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His Finest Several Hundred Hours: A LoR story, starring Winston Churchill and his advisors

Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by 6K Man, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    Monty: Sir Winston, our forces report that Rheims, the new French capital, is well defended. Our forces are facing catapult attacks.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: I suppose this means another of your famous setpiece battles, Monty. Just remember that we continue to be at war with Japan, and at some point, we will need to assemble a force to bail out the Americans.

    Lady Astor: Winston, Herodotus has named us the most cultured nation in the world
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: So? We're never going to play for a cultural victory.

    Lady Astor: No, but don't forget to check culture on the victory screen. More importantly, you can see that Japan, Carthage, and Rome-

    Churchill: Italy.

    Lady Astor: -all have more powerful armies than England does. And you seem to be picking fights with at least 2 of them, and the other one is right next door.

    Monty: All true, Sir Winston. The French are notably backward, and outside of the forces we have in France, we don't have any significant concentration of forces.

    Churchill: Ah, but we have a significant technological advantage on our rivals! Note how the Jolly Roger is annihilating Dido's ships, right under her nose. Carthage has nothing to counter our Corsair technology.

    Lady Astor: Let's hope so. In world news, Gandhi's Golden Age has ended, and Roosevelt has founded a new city for China to capture.

    Churchill: Poor Franklin.

    Lady Astor: And I made the following deals with Boudica and Mansa Musa
    Spoiler :





    Churchill: After all the Crab trade puns, tell me you made a joke about offering your Clam to Boudica.

    <the phone rings, mercifully interrupting CHURCHILL and LADY ASTOR's banter>

    Willem: Hallo Engels! I am Willem van Oranje of the Netherlands.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Hello Dutch! Fear not, we'll liberate you from the German tyranny after a few years have passed.

    Willem: (confused) Wat?

    Churchill: Would you like Open Borders and Code of Laws in exchange for your maps?
    Spoiler :




    Willem: Of course! You won't be sorry, Dutch maps are the best! Goodbye!
    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: The Dutch maps didn't reveal anything we didn't already know.

    Churchill: Damn it!

    Lady Astor: We did just research Constitution, though. Shall we revolt to a Representational government?

    Churchill: I don't think any of us are ready for that. Perhaps in our next celebratory period. Now research Economics, for Free Market and yet another free person!
     
  2. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    <the phone rings, just as CHURCHILL and his entourage are sitting down to dinner>

    Churchill: Hello?

    Ho: Stop dealing with that tramp Hatshepshut!

    Churchill: No, Ho, No!

    Lord Beaverbook: (singing) And a bottle of rum!

    <CHURCHILL hangs up, and the phone rings again immediately>

    Huayna: Would you like to convert to Confucianism?

    Churchill: Not really. But would you like to have Open Borders, Hyena?

    Huayna: Oh, okay. Anything to distract me from our disastrous war with the Italians. Goodbye, Winston.

    Churchill: Au revoir, Hyena!

    Huayna: Not really.

    <hangs up>


    Churchill: I foresee great things for this Hyena fellow. He has lovely taste in frocks.

    <A loud GONG interrupts the discussion>

    Lady Astor: Winston, we have completed the Taj Mahal!
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: What does that do?

    Lady Astor: It starts a Golden Age.

    Churchill: You mean... :dance:
    Spoiler :







    (A bottle of of brandy having somehow appeared in his hand, CHURCHILL charges out of the room, brandishing both the brandy and a cigar)

    Lady Astor: (sighing) I make my report to the Cabinet: The Egyptians have converted to Hinduism. Dido, Ho, and Julius Caesar have founded cities. And Huayna Capac has been killed in the sack of Cuzco. In other words, opening borders with Huayna did nothing except make Caesar unhappy.

    Monty: We have commenced our assault on the city of Rheims
    Spoiler :







    Monty: And Rheims has fallen!
    Spoiler :





    Lady Astor: Well done, General Montgomery. So strange that the French put an Academy in a city with just 2 Cottages and only a Clam for food. They make Winston's land use decisions look good! And now, we must affect real change, with Winston off on another bender. We are officially changing government types to REPRESENTATION, CASTE SYSTEM, and FREE RELIGION.

    <phone rings>

    Lady Astor: Hello, Nancy the Viscountess Astor speaking.

    Willem: Hallo. Can we have Compass from England?
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Of course... England is ever a friend to little, backward nations we can exploit. Goodbye, Willem.
    <hangs up>

    Lady Astor: As it appears I am my own domestic advisor, I report that Dido has founded yet another city, and we have rejected a map swap with the impecunious Vietnamese. More importantly, we have just learned Economics!

    Lord Beaverbook: I recommend that we research-

    Lady Astor: We're researching Replaceable Parts.

    Lord Beaverbook: (grumbles) Fine. Henry Hudson has been born in London, following our Economic breakthrough.
    Spoiler :




    Monty: And one of our Knights has captured a French pawn - er, Worker.
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: It's unlike you to be so aggressive with your mounted troops, General. Why the change in approach?

    Monty: The French are very weak, Lady Astor; they hardly pose a challenge at this point.

    Lady Astor: Well, mop them up - and then we will set our sights on Japan.
     
  3. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    Lady Astor: Gentlemen, Edmond Halley has been born. With a healthy technology lead and Representation scientists at work, I see no reason not to have him found an Academy in York.
    Spoiler :





    Monty: Lady Astor, I report that the HMS Scourge has destroyed a French Trireme, and a great General has been born. And in addition, our expeditionary force approaches Tours
    Spoiler :





    Lady Astor: Well done, General Montgomery. We shall settle General O'Connor in Warwick, far away from the front line, where you won't suffer in comparison with him.

    Monty: I prefer generals who don't get captured, Lady Astor. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_O'Connor#Reversal_and_capture

    Lady Astor: (smirks) Very well. Can you report on the Battle of Tours?

    Monty: I can, Lady Astor. English arms have again won the day.
    Spoiler :








    Lady Astor: Huzzah! Well done, General. I should note that we have completed Leonardo's Workshop, so we should begin deploying upgraded weaponry at reduced costs. The veterans of the French campaign will be the core of the new English army.
    Spoiler :




    Speaking of which, I should make a call... <dials>

    Gandhi: Hate the sin, love the sinner. Greetings, Winston Churchill.

    Lady Astor: Winston's on the sauce, skinny. This is the Viscountess Astor, head of Parliament, and I come with a request to renegotiate the terms of Anglo-Indian trade. How about 15 gold for Crab?

    Gandhi: It is health that is real wealth, and not pieces of gold and silver.

    Lady Astor: Soo... does that mean you'll trade us some GOLD for a HEALTH resource?

    Gandhi: Why, yes.

    Lady Astor: Very good. Goodbye and get a bath.

    <hangs up>

    Lady Astor: I see why Winston finds this tedious.

    Lord Beaverbook: Boudica has founded a city. More importantly, we have learned the secret of Replaceable Parts, which will add to the production of our Windmills and Watermills.

    Monty: I propose we research Muskets next. That will allow for Redcoats, a Musket unit with a free Pinch promotion.

    Lady Astor: Seconded. And since there are only three of us, Muskets it shall be. And in other news, we have founded cities, Carlisle and Ipswitch:

    Spoiler :





    Ipswitch in particular should have been settled a long time ago - blame Winston for that.

    Monty: We should begin upgrading our units, now that we have the great Workshop of Leonardo, and cash to spare. Our designer Mathew Baker has developed the V-class of Galleon; I propose we upgrade our transport Cogs and Galleys accordingly. Brittania shall rule the waves!

    Lady Astor: I agree, althought that should be Englandia. And speaking of cash, I should make a call.

    <dials>
    Boudica: Hello?

    Lady Astor: Top of the 'morning, Boudica.

    Boudica: Nobody says that here.

    Lady Astor: Oh. Well in any case, now that Winston is indisposed, can we have a woman-to-woman chat?

    Boudica: Of course! Anything for the sisterhood of female leaders!

    Lady Astor: Oh, well how about giving us a gift of 300 gold to celebrate my accession to power in England?

    Spoiler :



    Boudica: Anything but that.

    <dial tone>

    Lord Beaverbook: Not as easy as it looks, is it, Lady Astor?

    Lady Astor: I don't understand; we are on good terms with the Irish-

    (Lord Beaverbook stifles a guffaw)


    -and never asked for anything before. Well, never mind. We shall secure additional cash by revolting to Free Market!

    (England revolts to FREE MARKET)
     
  4. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    <the English phone rings incessantly>

    Mansa Musa: Would you like Open Borders, England?

    Lady Astor: No!

    Willem: Would you like to trade maps, England?

    Lady Astor: No! More specifically, No! Your maps are useless.

    <Lady Astor slams the phone down>

    Lady Astor: (exasperated) Can you give me some good news, General Montgomery?

    Monty: I can, Lady Astor. We have destroyed the horribly placed city of Cherbourg, capturing 2 workers. We'll use them to build roads leading to the southern French territories.
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Splendid idea!

    Monty: Also, that barbarian city north of Bayonne that neither we nor Dido could bother capturing, has now organized itself into the Zulu Nation.
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Organize a force to subdue the Zulus before the Carthagines do, and load it on our new Galleons, General.

    Monty: As you say. Lastly, Roosevelt has founded a new city for the Chinese or Japanese to capture.

    Lady Astor: Poor Eleanor.

    <the phone rings>

    Lady Astor: England here.

    Gustav: Could we pretty please have Compass?

    Lady Astor: Of course, Gustav. Here, take the knowledge to build Caravels when everyone else is building Galleons. (laughs uproariously)
    Spoiler :




    <Gustav hangs up>

    Monty: I have good news and bad news.

    Lady Astor: The good first, please.

    Monty: We have founded Portsmouth, and General O'Connor has settled in Warwick, to assist in training troops to a higher standard there.
    Spoiler :





    Lady Astor: O'Connor looks like Scotty just beamed him into Warwick, but never mind that. What's the bad news?

    Monty: The Dutch have captured Dijon from under our very noses!
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Those scoundrels! Their occupying forces look weak, though - could we simply expel them? Nobody else besides France has met the Dutch; it would be like they never... even existed (smiles thinly).

    Monty: Remember when you gave Willem the knowledge of Compass in 1090? That created a peace treaty between us, which doesn't expire for a few more years. So, no, we can't expel them. Yet.

    Lady Astor: (sighs) Very well. I can't even blame Winston for this one, sadly. Let's exploit someone else, then. <dials>

    Ho: Hello?

    Lady Astor: Hello, colonial type person. Would you like to give us 12g per turn for these shiny, pretty beads?

    Ho: No thanks.

    Lady Astor: Well, how about we cancel our Deer trade and renegotiate it for 12g per turn?

    Ho: I suppose that's okay. Even though I don't even like venison and we have no health issues, I can't resist getting a superfluous resource for all my cash flow!
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Marvelous. Ta-ta!

    <hangs up>
     
  5. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    <the phone rings>

    Lady Astor: What now, Mao?

    Mao: Stop dealing with Roosevelt immediately!
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: You mean stop dealing with our treasured American friends with whom we share a special relationship?

    Mao: I don't care what perverted games you play with America; I insist you stop dealing with them!

    Lady Astor: I'm afraid not. Goodbye, Mao.

    <hangs up>

    Monty: Why are we tying our fate to the Americans, who everyone hates?

    Lady Astor: Good question. Anyway, we have learned Muskets. Does that make you happy, General Montgomery?

    Monty: Very much so!

    Lady Astor: And we are learning Chemistry, which will allow for Grenadiers and Ships of the Line, eventually.

    Monty: Even better! Our pre-Gunpowder armies are running roughshod over the French; we have destroyed Bayonne, and our Trireme in the area smashed a Zulu Galley.
    Spoiler :




    However, Dijon is now well defended by the Dutch. The opportunity for an easy conquest of the Low Countries seems gone.
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Low Countries?

    Monty: They're at the bottom of the map.

    Lady Astor:
    Spoiler :




    Lord Beaverbook: We have accomplished much on the home front as well. The Moai Statues were completed in Richmond, greatly increasing the production of the local lake.
    Spoiler :




    And we have founded the city of Berwick:
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Looks very dusty there. Let me make a call.

    <dials>

    Julius Caesar: (suspiciously) Hello?

    Lady Astor: Hello, Julius! It's me, the Viscountess Astor, of England.

    Caesar: (acidly) Shouldn't you be calling me Musselssomething, or something?

    Lady Astor: Oh, no, that's Winston's thing. I'm just here to offer you my, er, our Clams for Spices
    Spoiler :




    Caesar: Sounds like a great deal. Done.

    <hangs up>

    Monty: Treating with the enemy, Lady Astor?

    Lady Astor: If I can trade a health resource and get a happiness resource back, I consider that exploiting, and not treating, General. The Italians are still the enemy.

    Monty: As you say.

    (time passes)

    <the phone rings, shattering the silence>

    Ho: Can we have Open Borders?

    ALL: NO!

    <line goes dead>

    Monty: We have captured Amiens, and completed the Heroic Epic in Warwick.
    Spoiler :





    Our concentrated invasion force now threatens all of Grenoble, Rouen, and Poitiers.
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Poor bloody French, I almost feel badly for them. It's a pity that none of those cities are worth keeping, although we might resettle Grenoble 1SE. Oh, I should also mention that we squeezed 2g per turn out of Mansa Musa, in exchange for Cows.

    Lord Beaverbook: And our colonizing ships have set sail. We will found cities on the former Viking continent, and perhaps near Russia as well.
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: The sun never sets, eh, gentlemen?
     
  6. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    Lord Beaverbook: It falls to me to report that Mussolini, Dido and Roosevelt have each founded cities. Also, has anyone else seen that animation where Dido leans forward? She-

    Lady Astor: (Cutting him off) Good heavens, Lord Beaverbook, why would anyone want to live in a place called "Cleveland"?

    Monty: Perhaps the name is a ploy to make the Chinese armies want to avoid the place?

    Lady Astor: No doubt. Well, on the domestic front, we have learned Chemistry, and I propose that we now research Military Science.

    Monty: I concur, Lady Astor. The Commando promotion will make our mounted troops even more formidable.

    Lord Beaverbook: Sure, why not. Nobody listens to me, anyway. Incidentally, we have completed a Stock Exchange in London, which adds 77g/turn to our cash flow. London is indeed the centre of global commerce.

    Lady Astor: Thank you for a non-perverted report, Lord Beaverbook. In world news, Islam has been founded, which, given that no nation can found more than one religion, tells us very little.

    Monty: I can report that the Dutch will likely take Grenoble next turn.
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: Can we attack them yet?

    Monty: Why yes... we can, Lady Astor.

    Lady Astor: Good to know. I should make a call.

    <dials>

    Boudica: Hello?

    Lady Astor: Would you like to give England all your money in exchange for our maps?

    Boudica: No, but would you like an insultingly small amount of money for your maps?
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: When you put it that way... no.

    <hangs up>

    Lord Beaverbook: She's wise to your tricks. Or has seasoned explorers, herself.

    <phone rings>

    Lady Astor: Hello?

    Mao: Can we have Astronomy?

    Lady Astor: No.

    Ho: (faintly in the background of Mao's call) Ask her if she'll give me Guilds!

    Lady Astor: (loudly) NO!

    <hangs up>

    <phone rings again>

    Lady Astor: What now? I'm busy fighting a war!

    Gandhi: I regard myself as a soldier, Lady Astor, though a soldier of peace. Greetings.

    Lady Astor: (sighs) What do you want, Baldy?

    Gandhi: I want for nothing, Lady Astor. I only wanted to say that India has completed the Spiral Minaret. Nyah-nyah-nyah. Peace is the way.

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: We need to start screening these calls.

    Monty: And burn down the Spiral Minaret in due course, what? Speaking of which, our forces have razed Rouen.
    Spoiler :




    Lord Beaverbook: So the city now lies in-

    Lady Astor: Don't say it.

    Lord Beaverbook: (gleefully) ROUENS!

    Lady Astor: (sighs)

    <with a fanfare of trumpets that fades to a wet raspberry, and a cloud of cigar smoke, Winston Churchill reappears in the throne room>


    Churchill: England, I have returned to lead you in our darkest hour! What news from the Western front?
    Spoiler :




    Lady Astor: (sourly) You're back. While you were away, we learned Economics, Replaceable Parts, Muskets and Chemistry, and just finished Military Science.

    Churchill: Splendid. And how goes the war? Have the French been driven off of English shores?

    Monty: Far better than that, Sir Winston. England's army, with some minor intervention, has reduced France to a rump state of two cities
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: (slowly) You. were. supposed. to. eject. France. from. our. shores. Not eradicate them entirely! The French are destined to be our great ally against the German horde! My poor, poor friend Charles...

    Lady Astor: (acidly) Winston, De Gaulle hates England, and you especially. He was difficult to deal with, long before we ever had any territorial conflicts with France.

    Churchill: Well, yes. He was always prickly, but it seemed predestined that England and France would together liberate Paris from the German yoke...

    Lady Astor: (shouting) You were the one who conquered Paris!

    Churchill: (sighs) Very well. We can hardly liberate the cities we have taken back to De Gaulle with the Dutch around, and having shed so much of England's lifeblood to acquire them. You may conquer Poitiers and integrate the French nation into the English empire, General.

    Monty: As you command, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: And kill the Dutch after that. France shall be avenged!

    Lady Astor:
    Spoiler :


     
  7. 6K Man

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    Monty: Sir Winston, I recommend that we learn Steel next. This will allow us to upgrade our Bombards to Cannon, and more importantly, to build Drydocks for better warships.

    Churchill: Make it so! And now, I'd like to check on my dear friend, Franklin <dials>

    Roosevelt: Hello?

    Churchill: How are you, Mr P.?

    Roosevelt: Pardon?

    Churchill: Mr. P? Don't you remember the supersecret BFF nicknames I made for us?

    Roosevelt: Oh. No.

    Churchill: (brightly) Well, that's... okay. I'm sure you have a lot on your plate. Speaking of which, would you like to learn Muskets? We'd teach you for 100g.
    Spoiler :




    Roosevelt: (perking up) Thank you, England!

    Churchill: Oh, think nothing of it, Franklin. By the way, though, I just noticed that we're shipping you Iron for 5g. How about we renegotiate that for 7g?
    Spoiler :




    Roosevelt: (less perked) Fine. Now you'll have to excuse me, I'm afraid Houston has a problem.
    Spoiler :





    <dial tone>

    Churchill: Poor Franklin. He hasn't been the same since the White House burned.

    Lady Astor: Poor Franklin nothing! Take another look at that map - he's got Wine and won't send us any!
    Spoiler :




    Lord Beaverbook: (pounding his fist) The bounder!

    Churchill: Calm down; we won't need Wine until the next Golden Age. Lady Astor, is there any foreign news?

    Lady Astor: Gustav Adolf has founded a city, but I don't think it will interfere with our colony sites. And the Dutch have finally captured Grenoble.

    <phone rings>

    Churchill: Hello?

    Roosevelt: Hello, Winston. Would you care to teach us Astronomy?
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Didn't I give you the knowledge of Muskets just 1 turn ago??

    Roosevelt: But America desperately needs Astronomy to fortify our defenses. Please, Admiral Q?

    Churchill: You... remembered! Of course, you may have Astronomy, Mr P!

    Roosevelt: Thank you, Admiral Q. Goodbye for now.

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: (makes gagging sound)

    Churchill: Hush. General Montgomery, report!

    Monty: Our forces draw near to Poitiers, Sir Winston. Our Knights fought a skirmish with barbarian Archers in the forests outside the city. We should capture Poitiers within a season or two.
    Spoiler :




    In addition, our forces launched a final assault on Ulundi, capturing the city. The Zulu nation is no more; Shaka is missing and has been reported dead.
    Spoiler :



    The city of Ulundi would make a fine anchorage for English ships, and allows us to control the approaches to the southern ocean between our lands and Carthage.

    Churchill: Well done, General. I see that we have captured some forced labourers from the Zulu... it's a good thing Lincoln isn't in this game!

    Lady Astor: You're as sensitive about these cultural issues as ever, Winston. In any event, I have news as well: We have founded new colonies, The Mumbles and Bath.
    Spoiler :





    Churchill: The Mumbles? Seriously?

    Lady Astor: I don't pick the names. But what should we call these two colonies? The Mumbles is south of Russia and China; Bath is north of the Viking lands.

    Churchill: Hong Kong and The Falklands. Done and done.
     
  8. 6K Man

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    <the phone rings>

    Churchill: Ahh, Hatty! How's my boyish little Egyptian princess doing?

    Hatty: Ewww. Would you make war on our great enemy, the Vietnamese?

    Churchill: Sorry, we're already at war with too many people as it is. But would you like the Music tech in exchange for 40g and the formality of handing over a map we already have?

    Hatty: (sighs) Sure, I guess. Thanks. <dial tone>

    Churchill: I like her better without screenshots, Lady Astor.

    Lady Astor: Quite. Our Falklands colony has expanded with the founding of Southampton.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Huzzah! What was in the hut?

    Lady Astor: Nothing worth noting.

    <time passes>

    Churchill: Any news?

    Lady Astor: Roosevelt continues to found cities as fast as he loses them. Houston has now fallen.

    Churchill: Well, we saw that coming.

    Monty: Sir Winston, don't you think we should send some aid to America? We have a fleet of galleons and a number of troops massing on our east coast. Why not mobilize an expeditionary force?

    Churchill: A capital idea!

    <phone rings, again>


    Churchill: Hello?

    Boudica: Sorry, Winston, but I don't need your Crabs anymore.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Don't do anything rash, Boudi.

    (In the background, Lord Beaverbook can be heard sniggering)

    Boudica: I'm not. Celtia has discovered its own-

    Churchill: Infestation?

    Boudica: No, cast, silly.

    <hangs up>

    Lady Astor: (sighs) General Montgomery, anything to report?

    Monty: We have commenced our assault on the final French redoubt, Poitiers
    Spoiler :






    And Poitiers has fallen. Sir Winston, France is now a province of the English Empire!

    Churchill: I take no joy in this, you know.

    Lady Astor: You're on your own there. By the way, Gustav Adolf founded another city. He's up to 7 now.

    Churchill: He's taking all the good sites south of Bath and Southampton. Something will have to be done about him... sooner or later. Is there any other war news?

    Monty: Ataturk has lost two more cities, one to Carthage and another to Italy. He's down to four cities and likely finished as an independent state.

    Churchill: Good. I never liked the Turks.

    Monty: Also, the Galleon Velocity has destroyed an unaligned warship
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: So? It was an easy victory for the gallant Royal Navy.

    Lady Astor: What the General is doing, Winston, is reminding you that our Galleons should be ferrying troops to our American ally, instead of sinking inconsequential pirate Triremes.

    Churchill: It's coming, it's coming!

    Lady Astor: Beyond that, we have founded two more colonies, Sheffield and Salisbury
    Spoiler :





    Sheffield is sited on the ruins of the former French city Bayonne, while Salisbury is northeast of the Hong Kong territory.

    Churchill: Looks like a great future naval base and bulkward against China and Japan. Let's call it Singapore; I'm sure there's nothing foreboding about that!
     
  9. 6K Man

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    <a knock is heard at the door>

    Churchill: Who's there?

    Roosevelt: FDR.

    Churchill: FDR who?

    Roosevelt: For the love of Pete, I sailed all the way over here in a leaky Caravel to ask for England's aid! Will you declare war on China, Winston?
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: <humming>
    Spoiler :




    Roosevelt: Ummm... war with China? Please?

    Churchill: But they're our dear friends, and allies against Japan!

    Roosevelt: But they're also kicking the *bleep* out of us!

    Churchill: Let me take a moment. <aside, to Lady Astor> Do we have any deals with China that we would miss?

    Lady Astor: <sotto voce> We're giving them Crabs for 7g per turn.

    Churchill: Get your trumpet, Lord Beaverbook.

    <ENGLAND declares war on CHINA>

    Roosevelt: Thanks. So I'll be going now...

    Churchill: Ahem.
    Spoiler :




    Roosevelt: Fine, of course. Here's 80g.

    <Roosevelt closes the door as he leaves, a little too loudly>

    Monty: So, we're at war with China.

    Churchill: Yes, but our expeditionary forces are ready. In fact, the vanguard has reached the Hong Kong territory, which will be a springboard for offensive operations into China.
    Spoiler :




    Monty: (doubtfully) Three units won't do much to turn the tide away from the Americans.

    Churchill: More are on the way. They should arrive in, oh.... *cough*11 turns*cough*

    Roosevelt: (muffled, from outside) What???!

    Lady Astor: (drawing curtains furtively) At least we now know Steel, which will allow for Cannons and better ships. Eventually. I suggest we now research Military Tradition, which will allow for Cavalry later.

    Monty: Seconded.

    Churchill: (distracted) K. Say, what's happening with the Ottomans? Are they dead yet?

    Lady Astor: They're on their last legs.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Can we extort some money from Ataturk before he rots in an Italian prison, or a the least, sell them something they won't benefit from?

    Lady Astor: Sadly, they're broke.

    Churchill. Carry on, then.

    (time passes)


    Monty: Sir Winston, our forces in Hong Kong are threatened by the Khmer:
    Spoiler :




    The Khmer are underequipped, but The Mumbles and Salisbury are defended by just a single Redcoat.

    Churchill: Good Lord, you're right! Divert the vanguard of the Expeditionary Force to support the Hong Kong colony. If the Khmer presume to threaten us, we shall take ... whatever their city is called.

    Roosevelt: (faint shrieking in the distance)

    Lady Astor: I didn't hear anything. But I have word that Liverpool is infested with rats.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Ha ha, I'm distracted! Rename the city Hamelin, Lady Astor.

    Monty: Our forces are now massed on the Dutch border, Sir Winston.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Thank you, General Montgomery.

    <Churchill dials>

    Willem: Hallo?

    Churchill: Hi, Wills. You still haven't met anyone or made any allies, have you?

    Willem: No, why?

    Churchill: Oh, just curious.
    Spoiler :



    <hangs up>

    <ENGLAND declares war on the NETHERLANDS>
     
  10. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    Monty: Our cannon will make short work of Dijon and its defenders
    Spoiler :





    Dijon has fallen, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: No point crying over spilt mustard.

    Lady Astor: I recommend we raze the city, Winston. Dijon has no resources, is one tile off the coast, and most of its population has already fled.

    Churchill: They probably fled the Dutch, back when Dijon was a French city.

    Lady Astor: (rolls eyes) Sure.

    <Dijon is razed>

    Monty: Our scouts report the Amsterdam, the Dutch capital, is weakly defended. But Holland has a stack of outdated units somewhere, Sir Winston. I recommend we proceed with caution.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Good old Monty. Never change!

    Monty: (stiffly) The Golden Hind has sunk a Dutch Trireme
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: I wonder whose Privateer that was? Anyway, I thought the Dutch were supposed to be a naval rival of ours?

    Monty: And with that unofficial victory, a Great General was bo- great. Now you're just trolling me, Sir Winston.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Who, me? <dials>

    Ho: Hello?

    Churchill: Hey, Ho.
    Spoiler :




    Ho: (deep breath) What do you want, England?

    Churchill: I'd like to cancel our perfectly good Deer for cash deal and replace it with another deal more favourable to England.
    Spoiler :




    Ho: (sighs, again) Very well. <hangs up>

    Churchill: These diplomatic exchanges are so tedious. But I suppose we could extort some money from Japan for peace. <picks up the phone and dials again>

    Tokugawa: Come to beg for peace, you doughy English Tommy?
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Ah, ah, AHAHAHAHAHA! Hardly. Brittania rules the seas, Tojo! You'll pay us for peace, not the reverse!

    <hangs up>

    Lady Astor: (sarcastically) Well handled as usual, Winston. You do know that Tojo has been at peace with Roosevelt for some time, don't you?

    Monty: And Japan's military nearly equals ours in size, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: Paugh! Japan doesn't have the ships to bring an army to us. We sit in splendid isolation for as long as the Royal Navy enforces Pax Brittania! And speaking of our global trade empire, it's time to make some deals:

    Spoiler :





    Churchill: Exploitative trade practices: It's what the Empire was built on!

    Lord Beaverbook: (suddenly interested) What's Boudica holding in that picture?

    <phone rings, incessantly>

    Wang: Can we have Open Borders?

    Churchill: No.

    Hatshepshut: Can we have Paper?

    Churchill: No!

    Ho: Will you declare war on Egypt for us?
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: NO!

    Hatty: Hey!! I'm standing right here!

    <Churchill hangs up in disgust>

    Lady Astor: We have met Justinian of the Byzantines.

    Churchill: Thank you for keeping him away from me. Did anything important happen?

    Lady Astor: We discovered Military Tradition.

    Churchill: Marvelous! Now Steam Power, for better ships and Levees.

    Lord Beaverbook: I agree, Sir Winston.

    Monty: As do I.

    Churchill: It's settled, then. What is the war news, General?

    Monty: HMS Vengeance has sunk another Dutch Trireme.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Jolly good.

    Monty: And Avignon has fallen, too. Dutch arms are no match for England's forces.
    Spoiler :


     
  11. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    Churchill: Are there any developments in the foreign wars, Lady Astor? Has Roosevelt turned the tide against China?

    Lady Astor: No, but Ataturk continues to lose cities. The latest one fell to Carthage. And Mansa Musa founded another city.

    Churchill: Dido keeps expanding, almost as fast as we do.

    <phone rings>

    Bismarck: Guten tag. May we have Nationalism?
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: (seething) As I recall, German Nationalism isn't a good thing for anyone. Now begone, Nazi scum!

    <slams down phone>

    Churchill: I have a bad feeling about that guy.

    Lady Astor: (dryly) I can't imagine why. In any event, Winston, our intelligence reports tell us that Gandhi is now researching Scientific Method.

    Churchill: In that case, we should change from Steam Power to Scientific Method. We don't want to fall behind on the race to Physics and all those free Great People!

    Lady Astor: Very good.

    Monty: I report that our Privateer, the Jolly Arthur, has sunk a Trireme off the Norwegian coast.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Brittania rules the w- wait, what's THAT?
    Spoiler :




    General Montgomery, report! How did the Japanese evade our naval patrols?

    Monty: This is impossible! The Japanese only just learned Astronomy; they could not possibly have that many Galleons!

    Churchill: Look again:
    Spoiler :




    Monty: Cogs?? This is an intelligence failure of the highest order!

    Lady Astor: The failure lies with your navy, General Montgomery!

    Churchill: Can somebody tell me what defenses we have in place in the northeastern colonies?

    Monty: Er, yes, Sir Winston. Leicester has a troop of Spearmen, Berwick is currently hosting the famed Explorer David Livingstone, and Bristol is garrisoned by Redcoats...

    Churchill: Spearmen?? In 1295AD? What about Carlisle?

    Monty: (abashed) Carlisle is undefended, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: We will need reforms in interservice coordination, but that must come later.

    <phone rings>

    Churchill: What is it?

    Tokugawa: Ha ha ha HA HAAAA! Foolish English, now your far-flung possessions shall be mine, while you remain bogged down in France and Holland!

    Churchill: (suspiciously) How do you know about France and Holland, Tojo?

    Tokugawa: Never mind that, now you will pay!

    Churchill: Pay, did you say? Hold on a minute. <cups hand over phone> Lady Astor, why doesn't Tojo simply take Leicester and the towns north of there, instead of calling to taunt us? There's nothing to stop him until he reaches Bristol.

    Lady Astor: (shrugs) He's an AI. He's stupid.

    Churchill: Lucky for us. <uncups phone> Hello, Tojo?

    Tokugawa: I'm waiting, colonialist swine.

    Churchill: Ahem, well... perhaps we were too hasty earlier. Would you consent to leave our citizens at peace if we gave you 165 gold?
    Spoiler :




    Tokugawa: We can do business on these terms.

    <dial tone>

    <ENGLAND and JAPAN sign peace treaty>
     
  12. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    Lord Beaverbook: The House of Lords demands an explanation for the lack of defenses in the northern colonies, in wartime.

    Lady Astor: The mayors of Leicester and Berwick are contemplating an application for independence.

    Churchill: (anxiously) That's just narrative cover, right? We have colonies turned off?

    Lady Astor: (sighs) Yes, but they're still unhappy!

    Churchill: General Montgomery, why are the warships Agamemmnon, Voulge, Velocity and Vandal positioned south of the colonies, and away from Japan? There was nothing to prevent a sneak attack-

    Lady Astor: (interjects) We had been at war for dozens of turns, Winston.

    Churchill: -a SURPRISE attack from the northeast! And a humiliating peace treaty! There will be consequences, General Montgomery.
    Spoiler :




    Monty: (stiffly) The so-called senior service is at fault, Sir Winston. At any rate, the EEF has advanced on Amsterdam. Here is where the Dutch resistance shall be broken.
    Spoiler :




    A Redcoat unit was destroyed, but much progress was made.

    Alfred, Lord Tennyson: (intoning) Into the Forest of Spears, rode the 6 (hundred).

    Monty: ?????
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: General Montgomery?

    Monty: The Dutch counterattacked our Knights as they moved through the forests between Avignon and Amsterdam. Losses were heavy.

    Churchill: That does it – clearly, you are overextended in your duties, General. I am recalling an Admiral to command our naval defenses, to better allow you to focus on commanding our armies in the field.

    Monty: (stiffly) As you say, Sir Winston. We've continued to press the attack:
    Spoiler :





    Amsterdam should fall in the next turn.

    Lady Astor: Let me do you a favour, General, by providing a distraction. Winston, it's 1300 AD. Now would be a good time to take stock of the English Empire. First, our major cities
    Spoiler :







    London and Warwick are fine Commerce cities, but Warwick has too little food to support the miners employed there, and York could be employing two more specialists.

    Churchill: Fine, fine. There were no decent locations for a production city on this island, anyway.

    Lady Astor: Next, foreign relations
    Spoiler :




    And finally, Demographics
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: See? I told you this would be easy!
     
  13. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

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    Lady Astor: Fleet Admiral Nelson has arrived, Winston.

    Churchill: Show him in.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Um. Frederick?

    Nelson: (bowing) No, I am Admiral Horatio Nelson, the 1st Viscount Nelson. The greatest Admiral England will ever know!

    Churchill: Did you hear that, General Montgomery?

    <MONTY seethes, off-camera>

    <phone rings>

    Churchill: Ah, finally! It's been one whole post since we did the telephone gimmick. Hello?

    Boudica: Could you possibly give us Printing Press, England?
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: No way, Molly Bloom.

    Boudica: Who?

    Churchill: Exactly my point: If you never learn Printing Press, we'll never know who Molly Bloom is.

    <hangs up>

    Churchill: Monty?

    Monty: The final battle for Amsterdam has begun, Sir Winston.
    Spoiler :





    The Dutch capital has fallen to our troops.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Hmm, that's not terrible. 4 citizens, an Academy and a military leader. Let's keep it.

    Monty: Very good, Sir Winston. In addition, our troops have routed the Spears that ambushed us last turn. Four Dutch Spearmen were defeated.
    Spoiler :





    Churchill: Very nice, but you're not back in my good graces yet, General.

    Lady Astor: Boudica just founded another city.

    Churchill: Jonathan Swift was right about the fecund Irish.

    Lady Astor: (ignoring him) And we have researched Scientific Method, ahead of India.

    Churchill: Research Physics next, to attract a Scientist. And get closer to being able to build a motorized military.

    Nelson: Prime Minister, the HMS Scourge has bombarded the defenses of Grenoble to nothing.
    Spoiler :




    Monty: (scoffing) The defenses were under 5%, anyway!

    Churchill: Unworthy of a team player, General.

    Lady Astor: And our diplomats report that the Ottoman empire has fallen to the combined assaults of Celtia, Rome, and Carthage.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: We can only aspire to dispatch a foe as worthy as the Turk.

    Monty: <seething> The assault on Grenoble has begun
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Let me know when you conquer that last, weak city, General. Admiral Nelson?

    Nelson: Our privateers continue to prey on Carthaginian shipping, and now the Jolly George runs amok among the Irish merchant marine
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: Bravo, Admiral! And now, I must make some calls. <dialing>

    Gustav: Allo?

    Churchill: Would you like Cows for 3g, Hagar?
    Spoiler :




    Gustav: Hagar?

    Churchill: The Horrible.

    Gustav: I... I'll take the Cows.

    Churchill: Great! <hangs up, dials again>

    Stalin: What is it? When will you be sending us free stuff?

    Churchill: Lend-Lease will - er, might - start when you fight the Germans and Japanese for us. In the meantime, would you like to know Banking in exchange for all your money?
    Spoiler :




    Stalin: That paradox seems like an indictment of the bourgeois banking system. But yes, we will take the knowledge of Banking, and later sell you the rope!

    Churchill: I don't know what that means, but thanks!
    <hangs up>

    Churchill: Lady Astor?

    Lady Astor: Apparently Mao has founded another city.

    Churchill: They're founding cities as fast as we can capture them! General Montgomery, report!

    Monty: Grenoble is now defended by a Dutch Longbow unit. We will not assault until the defenders can be softened up with Cannon.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: <shakes head> Same old Monty. Admiral Nelson?

    Nelson: Prime Minister, I report that we have started a building program of Drydocks in Nottingham, Hastings, Bristol, Oxford, Leeds and Richmond. Soon we will boast a fleet greater than the combined strength of any two other powers. In the meantime, I am concentrating our northern forces, so we will not be caught off guard again, should the Chinese or any other nation dare to invade.

    Churchill: (starry eyed) Wonderful. Lady Astor?

    Lady Astor: We have founded Liverpool.
    Spoiler :





    A garrison will arrive overland, but in the meantime, we have destroyed a lurking barbarian ship.

    And apparently, we like tea.
    Spoiler :




    Churchill: That picture doesn't do you justice, Lady Astor.
     

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