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His Finest Several Hundred Hours: A LoR story, starring Winston Churchill and his advisors

Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by 6K Man, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    (Winston Churchill wanders the corridors of Whitehall disconsolately. He kicks an imaginary Crab shell, and laments)

    Churchill: These are dark days, with the French brazenly settling lands claimed for England, and the busty Carthagines having outpaced us in city growth. Someone told me this would be easy!

    Lady Astor: It's always darkest before the dawn, Winston. And I have tremendous news, the Great Artist Jane Austen has published her opus!

    Churchill: Postcards?

    Lord Beaverbook: Yes, we haven't invented Paper or bookbinding yet.

    Churchill: OK, so what?

    Lady Astor: The publication has launched us into a Golden Age!


    Churchill: Party!

    Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be off celebrating!

    (Churchill charges out of the room, waving a flag and shouting for a cigar)

    Monty, Lord Beaverbook: Now what?

    Lady Astor: Gentlemen, look to me.

    Lady Astor: I report to the Cabinet that we have changed governments, to a Bureaucracy. No longer will Winston Churchill have final authority over matters of State!

    And in fact, a learned historian has pronounced England to be the most cultured nation in the world!

    Having learned Civil Service, we are now researching Construction. Carry on, Lord Beaverbook and General Montgomery.

    (time passes. Churchill is spotted in a sailor suit in multiple locations)

    Lady Astor: Lord Beaverbook, report, please.

    Lord Beaverbook: We have built Forges in Warwick and Newcastle, and a Harbour in London. We have also learned Construction, and completed a plantation of Dye.

    Lady Astor: Excellent. We shall research Machinery next, which will allow us to build Heavy Footmen and Crossbowmen to complement the Catapults from Construction. And the damned Catholi- err, French, shall interlope no more.

    Monty: Now you're talking, Lady Astor!
  2. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Lady Astor: If Winston were here, he'd point out that this trade screen shows us trading with Carthaginian cities we haven't found. Curious.

    Lord Beaverbook: Lady Astor, I report that we have completed a Barracks in London, a Harbour in York, and two Settler parties have formed.

    Lady Astor: We'll soon have new cities to block off the French. And in other news, the Pyramids have been built

    (time passes. Churchill is not to be found in London)

    Lady Astor: So nice and quiet here in London. Any news, General Montgomery?

    Monty: Thapsus, a Carthaginian city, has been hit by a hurricane.

    Lady Astor: At this latitude? That seems unlikely. I am happy to report that we have discovered Machinery, and are now researching Horseback Riding. And I have unilaterally decided to trade Polytheism to the Cath- French for 20 gold. Considering the state of modern Science, I see no reason to not trade away such ancient knowledge, even for that pittance.

    Lord Beaverbook: I see you are no better than Sir Winston at taking screenshots, Lady Astor.

    Lady Astor: Keep a civil tongue in your head, while I am top Bureacrat. We have now founded Dover.

    And we have also discovered Horseback Riding, and are now learning to Engineer things.

    (With a fanfare of trumpets that fades to the sound of a wet raspberry, the English Golden Age ends. Churchill's person is discovered, in a London club)

  3. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: I'm back, and hereby name myself Chief Bureaucrat. Any objections? No, I'm not asking you, Lady Astor.

    (Lady Astor's voice is drowned out by the enthusiastic cheers of Lord Beaverbook and Monty, who know the difference between frying pans and fires)

    Churchill: That's settled, then. And it's a good thing I am back; none of you realized that we can now tame the Horses north of Coventry, thanks to cultural expansion.

    Lady Astor: And how would you know that, drunkard?

    Churchill: Ah, I was drunk for the last 10 turns, but now I am sober. And you, Lady Astor, are still ugly. And stupid. Besides, I have proof!

    Lady Astor: <muttering indistinctly>

    Churchill: To business! De Gaulle is offering us Monarchy and 70 gold for the knowledge of Metal Casting. I'm not sure why we'd need it, as we have plenty of happiness resources and no Wine.

    Lady Astor: Much as I would enjoy a change of government, I agree. We have no need of Monarchy. But in other news, the Kashi Vishwanath has been built in a land far away. A powerful Hindu bloc, of which we know nothing, may be emerging.

    Churchill: So what's the good news?

    Lady Astor: Ernest Rutherford has been born. I suggest we settle him in London.

    Churchill: Make it so!

    Monty: I have the misfortune to report that the French have founded Rouen.

    Churchill: On our land?

    Monty: It doesn't appear so.

    Churchill: Good. Otherwise that place would be "Rouens", not Rouen, amirite?

    Monty: Good one, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: I know, I'm fluent in French for some reason. But I grow weary of De Gaulle. Call up Dido of the Carthaginians!

    <a ringing sound is heard>

    Dido: Hi Winnie! So good of you to call on us! Are you impressed with the rapid expansion of Carthage? Our people are very fertile, you know.

    Churchill: I didn't.

    Dido: It's true. Our men are of robust, lusty warrior stock, and our women... well, look at me.

    (Lord Beaverbook falls off his chair)

    Churchill: Sooo... would you like to trade us some Wine for our Fish, and Lord Beaverbook will give you Crabs for 6 gold.

    Dido: Done. Bye-bye, Winnie.

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: I'm impressed that you weren't swayed by her feminine charms, Winston.

    Churchill: Not when I have Clemmie to come home to, Lady Astor.

    Meanwhile, I think we should build Sistine Chapel in London.

    Lady Astor: I'm guessing that's not for the fail gold.

    Churchill: You're guessing right, Lady Astor.

    Monty: Instead of building another wonder, could you continue the military buildup that Lady Astor began?

    Churchill: Of course, Monty. Just not in London.

    Lady Astor: Art imitates life, if this were only art. We have founded Brighton, Winston.

    Churchill: A nice location, but I wonder when we will find a nice production location with food and hills? Speaking of which, what have you to report, Lord Beaverbook?

    Lord Beaverbook: We have finished a Market in Nottingham and a Forge in Coventry.

    Churchill: Marvelous! Build the Mausoleum of Mausallos in Coventry; our next celebration will be even longer than the last!

    Lady Astor:


    Lord Beaverbook: Oooh, Dido.

    Lady Astor: (sighing painfully) I report that Mani and Belisarius have been born in lands far, far away. And that we have founded Norwich.

    Churchill: Take that, Dido!

    Lady Astor: Also, the Temple of Solomon has been built in-

    Churchill: A far away land?

    Lady Astor: Yes, Winston. For reference, here is a display of the world's faith blocs

    Dido is Confucian, but does not appear to have founded the Holy City for Confucianism. And we have no religions. Which is much better, I might add, than if we were Catholic or Jewi-

    Churchill: (hastily) Yes, thank you, Lady Astor.

    Lady Astor: There's more. We have learned Engineering, and I've decided to start research on Code of Laws, ignoring your input altogether. And the Sacred Band has been formed-

    Churchill: Let me guess, in a far away land?

    Lady Astor: No. In Carthage.

    Churchill: Gadzooks, on our front doorstep! What does a Sacred Band do?


    Churchill: Oh.

    Monty: The Sacred Band would counter any unit we have rather handily, but massed artillery would bring it low, I assure you, Sir Winston. Still, we should proceed with caution in the event of a war with Carthage.

    Churchill: We have no warlike designs against Carthage and desire nothing but good relations with their glorious leader, Queen Dido.

    Lord Beaverbook: (sniggers) Relations.

    Lady Astor: (rolling her eyes) In other, non-juvenile news, we have completed the National Epic, which will multiply the number of exceptional persons born in York

    And we have discovered a second source of Gems near Canterbury. Not only will this add to Canterbury's commerce, but it also gives us a surplus Gem resource to trade.

    And James Clerk Maxwell has been born somewhere else.

    Churchill: Thank you, Lady Astor. Is that all?

    Lady Astor: Almost. We have learned Code of Laws. I recommend we research the knowledge of Compass, to aid in our explorations. It will also allow us to build Harbours, which would boost the effect of our Great Lighthouse.

    Churchill: Sounds reasonable, sure.

    <a ringing sound is heard. Churchill picks up the anachronistic phone>

    Churchill: Hello?

    De Gaulle: Bonjour, you English son of a wh*re!

    Churchill: I thought England and France were pleased with each other? What else could that little green smiley face mean?

    Lady Astor: (aside) Winston, as your foreign minister, I will handle this. (to De Gaulle) Monsieur De Gaulle, that comment is completely out of bounds. It's common knowledge that Winston's father was the wh*re, and you should have made that clear, instead of making a general reference to the morality of both his parents!

    De Gaulle: Ah, it was meant as a compliment. But seriously, English dogs, I don't want your Crabs any more.

    Churchill: How about Wheat for Deer, instead?

    De Gaulle: Very well. Goodbye, English <dial tone>
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
  4. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: As the millennium turns, this might be a good time to look at our overall empire.
    The known world
    Spoiler :

    The heartland
    Spoiler :

    Major cities
    Spoiler :

    Spoiler :

    Technology and Resources
    Spoiler :

    Pretty good, I dare say... any comments?

    Monty: The French still trespass on our lands that are ours by birthright, Sir Winston.

    Lady Astor: We continue to squander our technological lead by building less-than-necessary Wonders, instead of troops or new cities.

    Monty: Kassite and the lands around it are still in barbarian hands.

    Lady Astor: Other nations have knowledge of technologies we know nothing of, like Meditation, Monarchy, and Philosophy.

    Lord Beaverbook: What bra cup size do you think Dido is?

    I'm thinking, at least an E.
  5. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: Our next goal will be to eliminate Marseilles and Chartres, securing our island for ourselves and limiting the French to fight over the Tundra with whoever else is down there.

    Monty: Our southern army nears Marseilles

    We have Axe and Sword troops in Dover that could attack Chartres, but no Siege support for them.

    Lady Astor: To have a 'next goal', shouldn't we have completed some initial goals?

    Churchill: Oh, hush. Dido is much nicer to me than you are.

    <ringing sound>

    Dido: Hello?

    Churchill: Hi, Di... it's me, Winston Churchill.

    Dido: Who?

    Churchill: Churchill... you like to call me Winnie... you don't remember?

    Dido: Oh! Sorry Winnie. There's just so many other leaders I know that you haven't met, it's hard to keep track. Are they avoiding you or something?

    Churchill: (harrumphs) Well, I have met De Gaulle, who shares your continent, and you haven't.

    Dido: Why would I want to meet De Gaulle?

    Churchill: (pauses, stumped) Err, how would you like to give us Monarchy and some money for Code of Laws?


    Churchill: Thanks, Dido!

    <dial tone, then the phone rings again>

    Churchill: Now, who can that be? Hello?

    De Gaulle: Gimme Currency.

    Churchill: Mmmmmmm... no.

    De Gaulle: Why not?

    Churchill: We have our reasons.

    De Gaulle: That doesn't make any sense. There's no wonder associated with Currency. Goodbye, English! <dial tone>

    Monty: Does this mean we're finally going to kill the French?

    Churchill: Think a stack of 4 Catapults and one each of Heavy Footman/Crossbow/Swordsman/Axeman can take down 2 Archers?

    Monty: It's a little light on the siege weapons, but I think I can make that work, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: Make a call, Lady Astor.

    <ringing sound>

    De Gaulle: Allo?

    (Churchill blows a trumpet into the mouthpiece)

    Churchill: See you in hell, Charlie! <phone slams down>

    <England declares war on France>

    Lady Astor: I'm heartened by your newfound military fortitude, Winston, but look what happened to our trade routes.

    Churchill: So we lost access to the Carthaginian markets through French waters. No matter; we will force a peace on the French shortly. General Montgomery, report!

    Monty: Marseilles has fallen to our troops. We lost a single Catapult, but destroyed two French Archers and captured a Worker.

    Churchill: Now capture Chartres.

    Monty: Not without Siege wea-

    Churchill: Attack now, Monty. No stalling, like you did at Alamein. The French are weak in Chartres; only an Archer and 20% Culture.

    Monty: Very well...

    Lady Astor: I recommend that we level Chartres, Winston. All it will do is encroach on Dover, and it has no food source.

    Churchill: I agree. Burn it :evil:

    <Chartres is razed>

    Lady Astor: While we were warring, we discovered Compass and started research on Optics, and St John was born in a far away land.

    Churchill: <rubbing fingertips together> Excellent. Get De Gaulle on the phone, please.

    <ringing sound>

    De Gaulle: What do you want, maudit English? Our forces are ready in Paris if you dare venture to the south.

    Churchill: Yes, yes, I'm sure they are. But in case they aren't, will you give me Meditation, 40 gold, and 2 gold per turn for peace?

    De Gaulle: That is all we have, but France shall rise again! Very well, peace it shall be... for now.

    <dial tone>

    <Churchill picks up the phone, and another ringing sound is heard>

    Dido: Hello?

    Churchill: Now that we can ship things through French waters again, would you like Crabs for 7 gold per turn?

    Dido: I really enjoyed getting Crabs from the English, Winnie. Sure.

    Churchill: Great! Thanks, Dido!

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: Our trade situation has dramatically improved, Winston

    Churchill: That war wasn't so bad after all. What other news is there?

    Lady Astor: William Morton and Francis Bacon have been born in distant lands. And we have discovered Optics.

    Churchill: Bacon? I thought he was English?

    Lady Astor: Not in this world, apparently. Shall we research Philosophy? Dido won't teach it to us, and we need it to get Liberalism.

    Churchill: Makes sense.
  6. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: What news, Lady Astor?

    Lady Astor: De Gaulle has founded Grenoble, and the Statue of Zeus has been built in a land far away.

    Churchill: Great! Or, actually, I don't care. How are our new lands acclimating to English rule?

    Lady Astor: Not well:

    Churchill: Not bloody likely! We just fought a war to take Marseilles from France; we're not about to give it back! What else is new?

    Lady Astor: Isaac Newton was born in York, and Charles Darwin was born in a faraway land.

    Churchill: Isn't that our second Isaac Newton?

    Lady Astor: Yes, someone wasn't paying attention when he modified the Great Person names list. And Charles Darwin sounds suspiciously English, to have been born far away.

    In other news, we built this waste of hammers

    Churchill: Not at all, Lady Astor. The Sistine Chapel will facilitate faster border pops when we settle that great island to the north, and when we build in proximity to a hostile neighbour.

    Lady Astor: Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

    Churchill: (impatiently) Fine. Make yourself useful and call Dido for me

    <ringing sound>

    <ringing sound continues>

    Lady Astor: You know, Flouzemaker did the video phone conceit better, and he did it first.

    Churchill: My lawyers tell me that so long as we don't call it a video phone, we're good.

    <more ringing>

    Dido: Hi Winnie. What is it?

    Churchill: How about some Wine in exchange for Fish?

    Dido: Done. I'll ship you a nice Soave.

    Churchill: Thanks Dido. You're such a great fri-<dial tone>

    Lady Astor: Uh huh. Well, at least this will let London keep growing. Those non-river Cottages are only worth working due to Bureaucracy, though. Oh, look, more hammers wasted

    That would have been better before Jane Austen wrote her postcards. Although it could still help, if we build the Taj Mahal.

    Churchill: We will. This will be easy, remember?

    Lady Astor: So you keep saying.

    <a loud gong is heard>

    <black and white graffiti begins appearing on English walls>

    Lady Astor: I recommend that we avoid adopting Taoism, until we find someone else who follows that faith.

    Churchill: I agree. No faith changes until the next Golden Age, anyway!
  7. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Lady Astor: We have founded Leeds, and discovered Philosophy.

    Churchill: I can excuse the lack of screen shots for new technologies, Lady Astor, but the lack of screen shots for new cities is simply unacceptable.

    Lady Astor: <rolls eyes> Here's another screenshot, which I'm sure will be more to your liking

    Churchill: Yeah? Yeah! Who's the most fecund race now, Dido? Huh? HUH?

    Lady Astor: She can't hear you, and that word is icky.

    Churchill: And you with 6 kids.

    Lady Astor: 6 kids are easy to manage when you have servants, Winston. And incidentally, Dido has adopted Theocracy.

    Monty: That's often a prelude to a military buildup, Sir Winston.

    Lady Astor: Or she might just hate people of other faiths. Which is, by the way, perfectly natural and not at all racist.

    (time passes)

    Monty: Sir Winston, our scouting Caravel squadrons are complete. May I present their commander, Sir Francis Drake, to you? Sir Francis awaits your instructions.

    Drake: (saluting) Good evening, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: Good evening, Sir Francis. Now down to business. I wish your two squadrons to sail west and north-east, Sir Franci-

    Drake: Is something wrong, Sir Winston?

    Churchill: Nothing... well, actually, it seems awfully formal to call you Sir Francis, what with me being Dictator and you being just a Commodore...

    Drake: (confused) I'm sorry, Sir Winston...

    Churchill: Not your fault, of course.... but would you mind if I call you Francis?

    Drake: No, not at all.

    Churchill: Splendid. So much easier, and less formal.

    Drake: Of course, sir. Francis, it is.

    Churchill: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. Many of my advisors could learn from you. So, Frank, the northeast route... er- do you mind if I call you Frank, as opposed to Francis?

    Drake: No, no, everyone calls me Frank.

    Churchill: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.

    Drake: Yes it is.

    Churchill: And much less formal!

    Drake: Yes, sir. Frank, Francis or anything!

    Churchill: Thank you. Now where were we? Ah yes. Frankie Baby, when you set out to the northeast...

    Drake: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called 'Frankie Baby'.

    Churchill: What?

    Drake: I don't like being called 'Frankie Baby'.

    Churchill: (pause) Did I call you 'Frankie Baby'?

    Drake: Yes, you did! Now if you could please give me my orders...

    Churchill: I don't think I did call you 'Frankie Baby'.

    Drake: You did!

    Churchill: (to others) Did I call him 'Frankie Baby'?

    Lady Astor: I think so, but I don't really listen to you, Winston.

    Monty: Absolutely, Sir Winston. As is your prerogative, of course.

    Churchill: (to Drake) I'm sorry for calling you 'Frankie Baby', Sweetie.

    Drake: Don't call me 'Sweetie'!

    Churchill: Can I call you 'Sugar plum'?

    Drake: No!

    Churchill: 'Pussycat'?

    Drake: NO!

    Churchill: 'Angel drawers'?

    Drake: No you may not! Get on with it!

    Churchill: Oh, dear. (pause) I'll call you Frank, then. Is that alright?

    Drake: Of course!!

    Churchill: Marvelous. Now, see here, Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...

    (Drake storms out angrily)

    Churchill: (calling after him) Come back... Angel Drawers!

    Churchill: (to Lady Astor) I think that went well.

    Lady Astor: Better than I expected it would. St Peter has been born in a distant land, by the way.

    Churchill: Good for him. He must have been one sweet fetus to be beatified at birth.

    Lady Astor: No doubt.

    Churchill: Speaking of people who haven't accomplished anything, let's give De Gaulle a call.

    <ringing sound>

    De Gaulle: What do you want, English?

    Churchill: We want to give you some Pigs in return for some money.

    De Gaulle: Fine. Go away <dial tone>

    Churchill: I can feel the French warming to us again, Lady Astor.
  8. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Lady Astor: Winston, we have founded Christianity.

    Churchill: Does that mean we were first to Theology?

    Lady Astor: No. Dido beat us there. You selected Limited Religions, so no nation can found more than one religion. Those who beat us to Theology must already have founded religions.

    Churchill: Oh, fine. Come to think of it, though, it would have been nice if St Peter had been born here, to allow us to build the Christian shrine.

    Lady Astor: You're going to detour to Divine Right for the free Great Prophet, aren't you?

    Churchill: (evasively) No... not necessarily.

    (time passes)

    Lady Astor: De Gaulle has founded Amiens, and converted to Christianity.

    Churchill: Ha ha! Really? Oh, we have to build the shrine now, just so the French can tithe to us!

    (more time passes)

    Churchill: What was that 'ding' sound?

    Lady Astor: We researched Paper.

    Churchill: Great. Start on Divine Right.

    Lady Astor: We already started researching Education.

    Churchill: So? This isn't Civ 1, switch!

    Lady Astor: The Carthagines are researching Education, and we don't want them to beat us to Liberalism, do we?

    Churchill: (sulkily) No. Fine. Keep researching Education. But now that we know Paper-

    Lord Beaverbook: We can FINALLY get my adult media business off the ground?

    Churchill: (ignoring him) -we can trade maps. Get me the bodacious Dido on the phone!

    <ringing sound>

    Dido: Hi Winnie, what's shaking?

    Lord Beaverbook: We might as you the same thing, Lady Dido.

    Dido: (puzzled) But I don't have a double chin?

    (an awkward silence ensues)

    Churchill: So, can we offer you an ancient-era tech in exchange for your maps and all your money?

    Dido: The oldest tech you have that I need is Metal Casting. I'd take that, in exchange for my maps and 90 gold.

    Churchill: Fine. For a 1200 beaker tech, this had better be some map.


    <dial tone>

    Monty: That's quite a map she has. I see the Irish, the Turks, and the Italians.

    Lady Astor: Celtics, Ottomans, and Romans.

    Churchill: Mussolini! My old foe.

    Lady Astor: Winston, listen to me. This isn't the sa-<phone rings>

    Churchill: Hello, Winston Churchill speaking.

    Dido: Hi again, Winnie.

    Churchill: Well, hello Dido. What can we do for you?

    Dido: I can't afford to get Crabs from you anymore. So I'm canceling that deal.

    <dial tone>

    Churchill: I guess this is her way of recouping the 90 gold the Celts paid for Metal Casting. Lady Astor, were you saying something?

    Lady Astor: Yes, but it will be ignored. Instead, I'll just report that Rosalind Franklin has been born.

    Churchill: Great! Send her to London so she can hobnob with Isaac Newton 2.0.

    Lady Astor: You'll have 3 Great People just sitting in London. Why not bulb something, or send a trade mission?

    Churchill: Mnnmmmm... maybe later. General Montgomery, report!

    Monty: Our English Expeditionary Force has bombarded Kassite!

    Our Legio X unit has led the charge through Kassite's shattered defenses!

    And I am pleased to report, Sir Winston, that the city of Kassite is now in our hands!

    Churchill: Splendid! General Montgomery, I hereby promote you to Field Marshal!

    Monty: I was already a Field Marshal. You've just been calling me a general for the last several turns.

    Churchill: On second thought, while Kassite is on a promising location, it's just a size 1 city with no improvements. No promotions until a truly historic victory is secured!

    Drake: (bursting in) I am pleased to report, Sir Winston, that the Golden Hind has made contact with lands to the west!

    Churchill: Who are you, again?

    (Silence. Drake has disappeared)

    Churchill: Hmmm. Continue exploring. We'll call this land... Australia.
  9. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Lady Astor: The rarest of random events just happened, Winston: A quest appeared that might be winnable AND worth winning.

    Churchill: We'll easily build the 6 Caravels, but we might not need 11 Harbours. We'll see, I suppose. Did we just found Reading?

    Lady Astor: Yes, we did. And Herodotus has deemed us the second most powerful nation in the world:

    Churchill: Dido again? Who do these Carthagines think they are? And why doesn't Herodotus name these 'unknown civilizations'?

    Lady Astor: It's a mystery, Wins-<phone rings>

    Churchill: Hello?

    Boudica: Hello, English.

    Lord Beaverbook: Why helllllooooo there....

    Churchill: Hello Irish! Shouldn't you be on a tiny island to my left?

    Boudica: We're not Irish, we're Celtic.

    Churchill: Like these guys?

    Boudica: No.

    Churchill: Well, we have vassals turned off in this game, but we can treat you as a vassal easily enough.

    Boudica: Mmmm... how about no. But you can give us Literature and we'll give you our Maps and 70 gold, instead?

    Churchill: Marvelous idea, I've read Irish literature and you're much better off with the English stuff.

    Boudica: (sighs impatiently) Is there anything else?

    Churchill: Would you like Crabs, dear?

    Boudica: What?

    Churchill: Would you like Crabs from the English in exchange for Deer?

    Boudica: Fine. Yes. Goodbye. <dial tone>

    Churchill: Let's call up Dido-

    Lord Beaverbook: For comparative purposes?

    Churchill: To see if she'll give us her 11g cash flow for Crabs.

    <ringing sound>

    Churchill: Dido?

    Dido: Winnie!

    Churchill: Want to get Crabs from us again for 11g per turn?

    Dido: Sure! I've been itching for some Crabs lately.

    Dido: Bye, Winnie!
    <dial tone>

    Churchill: That went well. Now let's see if we can squeeze some more money out of the French.

    <ringing sound>

    De Gaulle: Allo?

    Churchill: Charles, it's me, Winston Churchill.

    De Gaulle: (spits, audibly)

    Churchill: I know we've had our differences, but history tells us that despite warring in the past, England and France will ally and face a great enemy together.

    De Gaulle: With ze French doing most of ze fighting, no doubt.

    Churchill: Err... possibly?

    De Gaulle: What do you want, English?

    Churchill: Well, we'd like to renegotiate our Pigs deal, since you have some more cash on hand.

    <Pigs for 2g/turn canceled>

    De Gaulle: Not interested.

    Churchill: What?

    De Gaulle: We have no gold. As soon as you canceled the Pigs deal, we spent the gold from it and our other surplus gold on an annual Photobucket account. Goodbye, English! <dial tone>

    Churchill: (perplexed) What just happened?

    Lady Astor: It can pay off to regularly renegotiate resource trade deals when you see the other side has extra cash on hand, but sometimes, they will show zero cash after you cancel the initial trade. Possibly because they adjusted their research rate after the trade was canceled.

    Churchill: Well, that sucks. Anything else happening?

    Lady Astor: Mohammed Shah was born in a land far away...

    Churchill: Damn! Another Great Prophet who should have been born here!

    Lady Astor: And we have founded Birmingham

    Churchill: The English nation will soon surpass all others in size!

    Lady Astor: Not without a fight. Dido has founded Carmona and Boudica has founded Ratae. And we met someone else...

    <phone rings>

    Churchill: (face contorts in rage) Mussolini! My old foe!

    Caesar: (puzzled) Well, if it isn't my former province, England! I'm Julius Caesar.

    Churchill: Fascist scum! Begone!

    Lady Astor: (interjecting) But before you go, sign Open Borders!

    Caesar: Very well. <dial tone>

    Churchill: What was THAT, Lady Astor? The Eyetalians are our sworn enemy!

    Lady Astor: This isn't 1940, Winston, and so long as the Great Lighthouse is active, the more trades routes we have, the better!

    Churchill: Infamous!

    Lady Astor: Considering the great strides other nations are making, we would do well to maintain what advantages we have.

    Churchill: What strides?

    Lady Astor: Well, since this conversation started, the French have founded Cherbourg, and the Carthagines completed the Hagia Sophia. But in better news, we have founded Richmond

    Monty: And Sir Francis Drake reports that we have circumnavigated the globe, Sir Winston.

    Churchill: Drake? Francis Drake? Where do I know that name from? Good show, regardless.
  10. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Monty: Our exploring Caravels have met the Turks, Sir Winston.

    Lady Astor: Ottomans.

    <phone rings>
    Ataturk: Merhaba, English! Want to swap maps?

    Churchill: What? Our maps are much better than yours, Atarurk. Get lost!
    <slams down phone>

    (Lady Astor nods, approvingly)

    Churchill: What?

    Lady Astor: Considering that the Romans, Celts and Carthagines all hate the Ottomans, you did well in refusing to trade with them.

    Churchill: I don't know half the names you mentioned there, but... thanks?

    <Churchill picks up the phone, and dials>

    De Gaulle: What is it, English?

    Churchill: Ah, De Gaulle. I see you suddenly have a cash flow of 4g. Care to swap that for Pigs?

    De Gaulle: Much as I hate you and still refuse to Open Borders with England, I can't resist the lure of a good honey ham. Yes, fine, take all our free spending money, for Pigs!

    Churchill: OK!

    <dial tone>

    <phone rings, again>

    Tokugawa: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Shogun Tokugawa of the Japanese.

    Churchill: So... Tojo. We meet at last.

    Tokugawa: I'm not Tojo. But do you want to trade maps, Churchill?

    Churchill: I'd like to buy your map for some backwards tech... er, I mean, yes, I would!

    Tokugawa: Too bad!

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: Tokugawa is notorious for not trading maps, or opening borders, and for being a bit of a prig in general.

    Churchill: He sounds a lot like Tojo. I think he is Tojo. Anyway, what else is going on?

    Lady Astor: Other nations continue to expand rapidly. The Romans have founded Viroconium, for example.

    Churchill: They may have Viroconium, but they shall not have Abyssinia!

    Lady Astor: I don't know what you're talking about, Winston. But this seems like a good time to review our current trade data.

    As you can see, opening borders with the Romans, Celts and Carthagines has boosted our commerce immensely. We are generating 164 commerce in foreign trade per turn, which is almost a third of our total commerce.

    Churchill: What's that smoke I see down to the southeast?

    Lady Astor: Oh, just a slave revolt in Newcastle. These things wouldn't happen if we were in a more modern civic, like Caste System.

    Lord Beaverbook: Our nation is rich in food and poor in production, Sir Winston. I simply cannot work my economic miracles without, er, "human capital". Perhaps we could attempt to implement a Caste System after learning Guilds?

    Churchill: We'll see.

    Lady Astor: We have learned Education, Winston. Shall we begin researching Guilds?

    Churchill: No. Research Divine Right. I know you see it as a needless diversion, but it will allow us to build the Hungarian Cannon and the Barbary Corsair, in addition to getting us a free Prophet.

    Lady Astor: You're the boss. Still. In any event, we have completed Notre Dame in London.

    Churchill: No snarky comment about wasting hammers?

    Lady Astor: No. 2 :) in each city is nothing to sneeze at.

    Churchill: Someone take a screenshot of this, please.
  11. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: Lady Astor? Please report on the progress of our rivals.

    Lady Astor: Tipu Sultan and St Augustine have been born in far away lands. And Dido has completed the Colossus.

    Churchill: Ugh. Another Great Prophet born somewhere else. Why are our people deficient in Prophet-genes?

    Lady Astor: We don't even understand Medicine, let alone Genetics. And Cecil Rhodes was born in London, incidentally.

    Churchill: Is he a Prophet?

    Lady Astor: (sighs heavily) No. A Merchant. Which, incidentally, would bring us more money via a trade mission than a Shrine would over 50 turns. And why aren't you upset about the Colossus? That would have been much more useful than the Sistine Chapel.

    Churchill: Don't change the subject.

    Monty: Sir Winston, we have met-<phone rings>

    Mao: Greetings, imperialist dog.

    Churchill: Mao? What have you done with my good friend, Chiang Kai-Shek?

    Mao: Never heard of her. Or Qin Shi Huang, for that matter.

    Churchill: OK, never mind then. Would you give us your maps and 10 gold for Music?

    Mao: Sure.

    Churchill: Well, thank you very much. And how about open borders?

    Mao: Very well

    Churchill: Good show. <hangs up>

    Churchill: (to Lady Astor) Do we have an Opium supply we can trade to China?

    Lady Astor: As they are godless communists, we should probably avoid trading with Mao and the Chinese.

    Churchill: They don't even know Communism yet, much less have they adopted it. But I'll keep that in mind. That is a very nice map - I see the Americans, Indians, Japanese, and... the Germans!

    Monty: (shouting, offscreen) Never fear, we'll shatter the Boche! Shatter the Boche!

    Lady Astor: The Germans do not seem very threatening now, General, but thank you. (to Churchill) Winston, the French have founded Poitiers, and Euclid has been born in Carthage.

    Churchill: Is Poitiers on our island? If not, I don't care. Just tell me the important things, Lady Astor.

    Lady Astor: I'll let you decide if this call is important <phone rings>

    Churchill: Hello?

    Gustav: Hello, Angles!

    Churchill: (suspiciously) Hello. Are you German? Gustav ... Adolf. Sounds German.

    Gustav: No, no, no. We are not German, we are Viking!

    Churchill: Oh, I see. Well, despite some unpleasantness in the historical distant past between our nations, we can be friends, Gustav. Shall we buy your maps? Let's see what techs you nee---ahhhh! Ah ha HA HA HA HA...!

    Gustav: Pardon? We don't want to trade maps...

    Churchill: (gasping, wiping tears from his eyes) You don't trade maps, that's not the issue! You don't know (choking back a guffaw) Pottery!

    Gustav: (stiffly) No, we do not. We are a minor civ, just recently risen from barbarian status.

    Churchill: Oh-oh-ho ho hee hee... Yes, I can see that. Here, have Pottery! And keep your maps, Gustav. Goodbye!
    <dial tone>

    Churchill: (to Lady Astor) That was unimportant, but seriously funny.
  12. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Churchill: Oh dear. I won't forget that Pottery moment for a long time, Lady Astor.

    Lady Astor: They are remarkably backward, but I'm afraid that your largesse with with the Vikings has led a parade of supplicants to our door.

    <phone rings>
    Churchill: Hello?

    Mao: Hello English imperialists. It is I, Mao Tse-tung. Would you like to teach us Philosophy?

    Churchill: No, we would not, Bolshevik heathens. <hangs up>

    <the phone rings again>

    Churchill: What now?

    Gustav: O wise Angles, would you teach us the secret of Animal Husbandry?

    Churchill: Are you putting me on? Pulling our collective leg?

    Gustav: Pardon?

    Churchill: (giggling) You seriously don't know Animal Husbandry, either?

    Gustav: (gritting teeth) No. We. do. not.

    Churchill: Here you go, then. Goodbye, Gustav.

    <dial tone>

    (Churchill and Lady Astor look at each other for a moment, and then burst out laughing)

    Churchill: (still chortling, wiping a tear from his face) So what else is new, Lady Astor?

    Lady Astor: We have founded Exeter

    And somebody called Wang Kon has started a Golden Age.

    Churchill: Wank on? One of your customers, Lord Beaverbook?

    (time passes)

    Lady Astor: The Carhaginians have founded Onube and Carthago Nova, Winston.

    Churchill: We just can't shake them in city count, can we?

    <a ringing sound is heard>

    Churchill: Can we get unique ring tones for all the other leaders, so I can know which ones to answer?

    Lady Astor: No.

    <ringing continues>

    Churchill: Fine. (picking up phone) Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

    Caesar: No. Do you have Civil Service for Rome?

    Churchill: I don't think so, fascist scum.

    Caesar: Sorry, I phrased that badly. I meant to say, do you have Civil Service for Rome, OR ELSE.


    In other words, No means no, Mussolini!

    Caesar: You'll regret this, if you ever realize who I really am. Goodbye!

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: This may mean war with Rome-

    Churchill: Italy. And, bring it on.

    Lady Astor: As I was saying, with Rome. But they may already have their hands full with the Ottomans. Who you've been deliberately snubbing.

    Monty: Sir Winston, if the Italians dare attempt to invade, they will have to do so by sea, passing the Carthaginian coast where we have Triremes posted. We should spot any aggression by Mussolini well in advance.

    Churchill: Jolly good!

    Lady Astor: You two will be the death of me. I'm going to ignore your crackpot diplomacy and focus on facts. Winston, our neighbours continue to advance rapidly. Boudica and Ataturk have founded new cities, and Dido completed Chichen Itza. And someone named James Watt was born in a country called America.

    Churchill: Where's that? I have a feeling that a special relationship might develop between us.

    Lady Astor: America is on the map that Mao sold us, but we haven't met them yet.

    Churchill: Well, I'm prepared to be as arbitrarily nice to them as I am arbitrarily mean to to Italy. Speaking of which, get Mussolini on the phone.

    <ringing noise>
    Caesar: What do you want, Churchill?

    Churchill: Would you like Crabs in exchange for 8 gold per turn?

    Caesar: Yes, we can do that.

    Churchill: Excellent. Goodbye!

    <hangs up>

    Churchill: (to Lady Astor) That'll keep him confused.

    Lady Astor: Until he declares war on us, anyway. Winston, this American nation we hear about has completed Shwedagon Paya. And we have learned Divine Right.

    Churchill: Aha, finally! Shrine time! Wait... where's the Great Prophet?

    Lady Astor: There is none.

    Churchill: Wha....?

    Lady Astor: Close your mouth, Winston. Someone evidently beat us to Divine Right. Maybe it was this one:

    <phone rings>

    Gandhi: Hello, England!

    Churchill: Do you know Divine Right, Gandhi?

    Gandhi: Not at all...

    Churchill: In that case, yes, we will trade you Code of Laws for your maps and 80 gold.

    Gandhi: Sounds great! Should we Open Borders, as well?

    Churchill: Absolutely. Free trade with our vassal states is what made England great! Goodbye, Gandhi.

    <hangs up>

    Lady Astor: Gandhi just founded another city, Prayaja. And I see we are researching Feudalism... why?

    Churchill: I don't care, and so we can get Guilds later. So we can finally get out of Slavery, remember?

    Monty: I would have preferred Astronomy, which would allow us to conquer the barbarian city west of Carthage.

    Lady Astor: And Astronomy would also facilitate trade across the oceans, and let us colonize far away lands.

    Churchill: Mmhhhmmmm... I see. Maybe later.

    <the phone rings>
    Ataturk: Want to join me in a war against a country you're on good terms with, and oppose the dominant 3-power bloc on my continent?

    Churchill: Well, when you put it that way... no.
    <dial tone>

    Churchill: Although if it was Mussolini you were warring with... maybe?

    <the phone rings again>
    Gandhi: Would you like to trade maps, Churchill?

    Churchill: After I just bought your maps a turn ago? No thanks. <hangs up>

    Churchill: What's with these people, anyway?

    Lady Astor: Says the man who tries to renegotiate commodity deals the moment AI cash flow increases.

    Churchill: That's... different. Say, what was that noise?

    Lady Astor: Caesar has created the King's Yeomanry.

    Churchill: Who?

    Lady Astor: (rolls eyes) Mussolini.

    Churchill: An English national unit! The audacity of that bald-headed, pudgy little...

    Lady Astor: (smirking) Yes?

    Churchill: Never mind. Is there any news?

    Lady Astor: Ataturk and "Mussolini" founded cities this turn. And we have met the Vietnamese.

    <phone rings>

    Churchill: You get it, Lord Beaverbook. You're the local expert on Ho's.

    Lord Beaverbook: Hullo... what are you wearing?

    Ho: (looking down) A Nehru jacket and a goatee.

    Lord Beaverbook: Sexxxxxxxxxxy.

    Churchill: (in the background) Ask for his maps!

    Lord Beaverbook: Say, baby, would you like me to spell out some letters out with m-

    Churchill: (grabs the phone hastily) Hello! Would you give us your maps in exchange for the knowledge of Alphabet?

    Ho: Sure, why not?

    Churchill: Thanks, Ho. And my best wishes to all of French Indochina! <hangs up>

    Churchill: (to Lord Beaverbook) You are not to answer the phone again.

    <as if on cue, the phone rings again>

    Churchill: What?

    Ho: Give us Civil Service!

    Churchill: I just gave you Alphabet for some maps of marginal utility. So, no.

    Ho: Dumb move, Churchill.

    Churchill: Says the guy who didn't know Alphabet in 640 AD.
    <dial tone>

    Churchill: Has anything important happened lately?

    Lady Astor: We finished Feudalism, and per your instructions we are now researching Guilds, against everyone else's better judgment. And Caesar has declared war on Ataturk.

    Churchill: Mussolini.

    Lady Astor: Whatever.

    Monty: Sir Winston, if you are considering a declaration of war on the Eyeties, bear in mind that we have no way of sending military units to them without making war on France, first. The Italians, on the other hand, can freely pass through French waters.

    Churchill: Fine, we'll stay out of this one for now. I still can't believe France hasn't met Dido... they're literally ten tiles apart!

    Lady Astor: It's a mystery, much like our position at the top of the scoreboard. Roger Bacon has been born, Winston. Should I send him to London to gather dust with the other Great People?

    Churchill: Yes. Patience, Lady Astor. The Merchants will go on trade missions when we build more Caravels, and the Scientists will be part of a Golden Age soon. Probably.

    <the phone rings>

    Churchill: Good heavens, who can it be now?

    Roosevelt: Greetings, Winston Churchill of England.

    Churchill: Franklin Roosevelt! My dear, dear friend! So good to see you!

    Roosevelt: Sure, I guess.

    Churchill: Splendid! Now Franklin, would you consider trading us your maps and all your money in exchange for Code of Laws?

    Roosevelt: Yes, we can do business on those terms. Agreed.

    Churchill: I'm so glad to hear that, Franklin.... may I call you Frank?

    Roosevelt: No.
    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: It's a good thing you're Charismatic, although I don't understand how. We have founded Gloucester.

    Churchill: Nice. Another city site taken away from the French!

    Lady Astor: And our explorers have met someone else, apparently...

    <phone rings>
    Churchill: Who's there?

    Hatty: Greetings. I am Hatshepshut of Egypt.

    Churchill: Greetings, backward vassal type state of Egypt! Would you like an ancient technology we have practically forgotten about, in exchange for your maps?

    Hatty: Oh, I suppose.

    Churchill: Thanks. Goodbye! <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: Winston, since you are in the mood to hand out obsolete technologies for less than market value, why haven't you traded Literature to the Ottomans and Japanese? You could get a few hundred gold that way.

    Churchill: Trade with our ancient enemies, the Japanese? And with the foes of our leprechauny cousins, the Irish? Never!

    Lady Astor: There's so many things wrong with that response.

    Churchill: But now that you mention it, let's try to squeeze some more cash out of Dido.

    Dido: Hi, Winnie!

    Churchill: Hi, Di. Listen, I'm canceling our Crabs for 11g deal.

    Dido: Why?

    Churchill: Ah, no reason. But would you like to trade 14g for Cr--wha?

    Dido: Oh, we don't want Crabs anymore.

    Churchill: Nobody wants Crabs, but they're an unavoidable side effect of relations. Trade relations, that is.

    Dido: Sorry.

    Churchill: (sighs) Okay, would you like Gems for 14g?

    Dido: Gems? Oh, yes Winnie! Does this mean-

    Churchill: No.

    <hangs up>

    Lady Astor: So, for an extra 3g per turn, we're trading a resource to Dido that will let her cities grow even bigger.

    Churchill: I know. Live by the trade exploit, die by the trade exploit. What news?

    Lady Astor: Gustav has founded Birka.

    Churchill: Don't care. Those guys still live on dirt floors.

    Lady Astor: And Tokugawa has captured Philadelphia. A great general, Khalid al-Walid, has been born in Tokyo.

    Churchill: The dastardly Tojo has sneak attacked my good friend Franklin! This date will live in infamy!

    Lady Astor: Actually, the Japanese and Americans have been at war for some time. It's not going well for Roosevelt.

    Monty: We could have sent help to America, if we had learned Astronomy.

    Churchill: I guess the best we can do is give them some obsolete ships in return for some bases. Yes, that seems right.
  13. 6K Man

    6K Man Bureaucrat

    Jul 17, 2007
    in a Gadda Da Vida
    Lady Astor: Winston, we have founded Manchester.

    Churchill: Jolly good.

    <phone rings>

    Roosevelt: Hello, Winston?

    Churchill: Hello, Franklin! So good to hear from you! How are things?

    Roosevelt: Not great, Im afraid. The war with Japan is not going well for us.

    Churchill: Oh, that's a shame. I forsee that in future, we will stand shoulder to shoulder against the Japanese. But not now. Maybe we can help in another way?

    Roosevelt: Well, since you can't send us any troops, how about teaching us Paper?

    Churchill: Of course! And how about Open Borders?

    Roosevelt: Sure. Not that it will help either of us much, at this point. And now I must go and make an inspirational speech. Talk with you later, Winston.

    <dial tone>

    Churchill: Poor chap.

    Lady Astor: I'm not sure why you're committing to America, considering that they'll likely lose the war before they can be any help to us, or us to them.

    Churchill: We. Have. A. Special. Relationship!

    Lady Astor: (rolls eyes) Fine, have it your way, as always. Do you care about what's happening elsewhere in the world?

    Churchill: No, but I'm sure you'll tell me, anyway.

    Lady Astor: Gandhi, Dido, and Cae- er, Mussolini have founded new cities. And Gustav has converted to Christianity.

    <phone rings>

    Churchill: Hello?

    Ho: England should join us on our war of extermination against the Egyptians! What do you say?

    <phone beeps>

    Churchill: Hang on, Ho - I've got another call. Hello?

    Hatty: Would you teach us Compass?

    Churchill: Hold on, Hatty. No, Ho, we will not help you destroy Egypt.


    Hatty: It's still me.

    Churchill: Oh. Well, this is awkward. Anyway, no, we won't be giving you Compass.

    <Hatty hangs up>

    Churchill: Ho, are you still there?

    Ho: I'm here.

    Churchill: The answer is no.

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: (approvingly) Very even-handed of you, Winston.

    Churchill: Oh, it was nothing. Let's call Dido, she seems to have some extra money lying around.

    <phone rings>

    Dido: Hello?

    Churchill: Hi Di, it's me, your friend Winston Churchill. Can you give us 220 gold?

    Dido: Mmmm, no. I don't think so. Bye, Winnie!

    <dial tone>

    Lady Astor: She's getting wise to your methods, Winston. By the way, we have found the land of Mali.

    Churchill: Can I talk to them?

    Lady Astor: It doesn't seem like they are willing to converse with us. They're still just a proto-civilization, and can't enter into diplomatic relations yet.

    Churchill: Oh.

    Lady Astor: And Bristol was founded.

    Churchill: Mmm.

    Lady Astor: De Gaulle and Mao founded cities, too.

    Churchill: Don't care, so long as they aren't on our island.

    <the phone rings>

    Churchill: Hello?

    Boudica: Hi, Winston. Listen, this deal doesn't work for us anymore.

    Churchill: Why not?

    Boudica: We don't need to get Crabs from you. We have discovered our own infestation of Crabs.

    Churchill: (sighs) So I suppose I need to send you Gems in order to keep getting Deer?

    Boudica: That's right, and you've got a deal. Goodbye, Winston.

    <hangs up>

    Churchill: I don't like giving up a happiness resource that will let Boudi grow her cities, but we need Deer to keep our own cities healthy.

    Lady Astor: So you say, but health is only an issue for a handful of our cities. And a little unhealth never hurt anyone.

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