His Finest Several Hundred Hours: A LoR story, starring Winston Churchill and his advisors

[6K Man]

(Winston Churchill wanders the corridors of Whitehall disconsolately. He kicks an imaginary Crab shell, and laments)

Churchill: These are dark days, with the French brazenly settling lands claimed for England, and the busty Carthagines having outpaced us in city growth. Someone told me this would be easy!

Lady Astor: It's always darkest before the dawn, Winston. And I have tremendous news, the Great Artist Jane Austen has published her opus!

Churchill: Postcards?

Lord Beaverbook: Yes, we haven't invented Paper or bookbinding yet.

Churchill: OK, so what?

Lady Astor: The publication has launched us into a Golden Age!



Churchill: Party!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be off celebrating!

(Churchill charges out of the room, waving a flag and shouting for a cigar)

Monty, Lord Beaverbook: Now what?

Lady Astor: Gentlemen, look to me.

Lady Astor: I report to the Cabinet that we have changed governments, to a Bureaucracy. No longer will Winston Churchill have final authority over matters of State!

And in fact, a learned historian has pronounced England to be the most cultured nation in the world!

Having learned Civil Service, we are now researching Construction. Carry on, Lord Beaverbook and General Montgomery.

(time passes. Churchill is spotted in a sailor suit in multiple locations)

Lady Astor: Lord Beaverbook, report, please.

Lord Beaverbook: We have built Forges in Warwick and Newcastle, and a Harbour in London. We have also learned Construction, and completed a plantation of Dye.

Lady Astor: Excellent. We shall research Machinery next, which will allow us to build Heavy Footmen and Crossbowmen to complement the Catapults from Construction. And the damned Catholi- err, French, shall interlope no more.

Monty: Now you're talking, Lady Astor!

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: If Winston were here, he'd point out that this trade screen shows us trading with Carthaginian cities we haven't found. Curious.

Lord Beaverbook: Lady Astor, I report that we have completed a Barracks in London, a Harbour in York, and two Settler parties have formed.

Lady Astor: We'll soon have new cities to block off the French. And in other news, the Pyramids have been built

(time passes. Churchill is not to be found in London)

Lady Astor: So nice and quiet here in London. Any news, General Montgomery?

Monty: Thapsus, a Carthaginian city, has been hit by a hurricane.

Lady Astor: At this latitude? That seems unlikely. I am happy to report that we have discovered Machinery, and are now researching Horseback Riding. And I have unilaterally decided to trade Polytheism to the Cath- French for 20 gold. Considering the state of modern Science, I see no reason to not trade away such ancient knowledge, even for that pittance.

Lord Beaverbook: I see you are no better than Sir Winston at taking screenshots, Lady Astor.

Lady Astor: Keep a civil tongue in your head, while I am top Bureacrat. We have now founded Dover.

And we have also discovered Horseback Riding, and are now learning to Engineer things.

(With a fanfare of trumpets that fades to the sound of a wet raspberry, the English Golden Age ends. Churchill's person is discovered, in a London club)

 

[6K Man]

Churchill: I'm back, and hereby name myself Chief Bureaucrat. Any objections? No, I'm not asking you, Lady Astor.

(Lady Astor's voice is drowned out by the enthusiastic cheers of Lord Beaverbook and Monty, who know the difference between frying pans and fires)

Churchill: That's settled, then. And it's a good thing I am back; none of you realized that we can now tame the Horses north of Coventry, thanks to cultural expansion.

Lady Astor: And how would you know that, drunkard?

Churchill: Ah, I was drunk for the last 10 turns, but now I am sober. And you, Lady Astor, are still ugly. And stupid. Besides, I have proof!

Lady Astor: <muttering indistinctly>

Churchill: To business! De Gaulle is offering us Monarchy and 70 gold for the knowledge of Metal Casting. I'm not sure why we'd need it, as we have plenty of happiness resources and no Wine.

Lady Astor: Much as I would enjoy a change of government, I agree. We have no need of Monarchy. But in other news, the Kashi Vishwanath has been built in a land far away. A powerful Hindu bloc, of which we know nothing, may be emerging.

Churchill: So what's the good news?

Lady Astor: Ernest Rutherford has been born. I suggest we settle him in London.

Churchill: Make it so!

Monty: I have the misfortune to report that the French have founded Rouen.

Churchill: On our land?

Monty: It doesn't appear so.

Churchill: Good. Otherwise that place would be "Rouens", not Rouen, amirite?

Monty: Good one, Sir Winston.

Churchill: I know, I'm fluent in French for some reason. But I grow weary of De Gaulle. Call up Dido of the Carthaginians!

<a ringing sound is heard>

Dido: Hi Winnie! So good of you to call on us! Are you impressed with the rapid expansion of Carthage? Our people are very fertile, you know.

Churchill: I didn't.

Dido: It's true. Our men are of robust, lusty warrior stock, and our women... well, look at me.

(Lord Beaverbook falls off his chair)

Churchill: Sooo... would you like to trade us some Wine for our Fish, and Lord Beaverbook will give you Crabs for 6 gold.

Dido: Done. Bye-bye, Winnie.

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: I'm impressed that you weren't swayed by her feminine charms, Winston.

Churchill: Not when I have Clemmie to come home to, Lady Astor.

Meanwhile, I think we should build Sistine Chapel in London.

Lady Astor: I'm guessing that's not for the fail gold.

Churchill: You're guessing right, Lady Astor.

Monty: Instead of building another wonder, could you continue the military buildup that Lady Astor began?

Churchill: Of course, Monty. Just not in London.

Lady Astor: Art imitates life, if this were only art. We have founded Brighton, Winston.

Churchill: A nice location, but I wonder when we will find a nice production location with food and hills? Speaking of which, what have you to report, Lord Beaverbook?

Lord Beaverbook: We have finished a Market in Nottingham and a Forge in Coventry.

Churchill: Marvelous! Build the Mausoleum of Mausallos in Coventry; our next celebration will be even longer than the last!

Lady Astor:

Monty:

Lord Beaverbook: Oooh, Dido.

Lady Astor: (sighing painfully) I report that Mani and Belisarius have been born in lands far, far away. And that we have founded Norwich.

Churchill: Take that, Dido!

Lady Astor: Also, the Temple of Solomon has been built in-

Churchill: A far away land?

Lady Astor: Yes, Winston. For reference, here is a display of the world's faith blocs

Dido is Confucian, but does not appear to have founded the Holy City for Confucianism. And we have no religions. Which is much better, I might add, than if we were Catholic or Jewi-

Churchill: (hastily) Yes, thank you, Lady Astor.

Lady Astor: There's more. We have learned Engineering, and I've decided to start research on Code of Laws, ignoring your input altogether. And the Sacred Band has been formed-

Churchill: Let me guess, in a far away land?

Lady Astor: No. In Carthage.

Churchill: Gadzooks, on our front doorstep! What does a Sacred Band do?

Monty:

Churchill: Oh.

Monty: The Sacred Band would counter any unit we have rather handily, but massed artillery would bring it low, I assure you, Sir Winston. Still, we should proceed with caution in the event of a war with Carthage.

Churchill: We have no warlike designs against Carthage and desire nothing but good relations with their glorious leader, Queen Dido.

Lord Beaverbook: (sniggers) Relations.

Lady Astor: (rolling her eyes) In other, non-juvenile news, we have completed the National Epic, which will multiply the number of exceptional persons born in York

And we have discovered a second source of Gems near Canterbury. Not only will this add to Canterbury's commerce, but it also gives us a surplus Gem resource to trade.

And James Clerk Maxwell has been born somewhere else.

Churchill: Thank you, Lady Astor. Is that all?

Lady Astor: Almost. We have learned Code of Laws. I recommend we research the knowledge of Compass, to aid in our explorations. It will also allow us to build Harbours, which would boost the effect of our Great Lighthouse.

Churchill: Sounds reasonable, sure.

<a ringing sound is heard. Churchill picks up the anachronistic phone>

Churchill: Hello?

De Gaulle: Bonjour, you English son of a wh*re!

Churchill: I thought England and France were pleased with each other? What else could that little green smiley face mean?

Lady Astor: (aside) Winston, as your foreign minister, I will handle this. (to De Gaulle) Monsieur De Gaulle, that comment is completely out of bounds. It's common knowledge that Winston's father was the wh*re, and you should have made that clear, instead of making a general reference to the morality of both his parents!

De Gaulle: Ah, it was meant as a compliment. But seriously, English dogs, I don't want your Crabs any more.

Churchill: How about Wheat for Deer, instead?

De Gaulle: Very well. Goodbye, English <dial tone>

 

[6K Man]

Churchill: As the millennium turns, this might be a good time to look at our overall empire.
The known world

Spoiler :

The heartland

Spoiler :

Major cities

Spoiler :

Demographics

Spoiler :

Technology and Resources

Spoiler :

Pretty good, I dare say... any comments?

Monty: The French still trespass on our lands that are ours by birthright, Sir Winston.

Lady Astor: We continue to squander our technological lead by building less-than-necessary Wonders, instead of troops or new cities.

Monty: Kassite and the lands around it are still in barbarian hands.

Lady Astor: Other nations have knowledge of technologies we know nothing of, like Meditation, Monarchy, and Philosophy.

Lord Beaverbook: What bra cup size do you think Dido is?

I'm thinking, at least an E.

 

[6K Man]

Churchill: Our next goal will be to eliminate Marseilles and Chartres, securing our island for ourselves and limiting the French to fight over the Tundra with whoever else is down there.

Monty: Our southern army nears Marseilles

We have Axe and Sword troops in Dover that could attack Chartres, but no Siege support for them.

Lady Astor: To have a 'next goal', shouldn't we have completed some initial goals?

Churchill: Oh, hush. Dido is much nicer to me than you are.

<ringing sound>

Dido: Hello?

Churchill: Hi, Di... it's me, Winston Churchill.

Dido: Who?

Churchill: Churchill... you like to call me Winnie... you don't remember?

Dido: Oh! Sorry Winnie. There's just so many other leaders I know that you haven't met, it's hard to keep track. Are they avoiding you or something?

Churchill: (harrumphs) Well, I have met De Gaulle, who shares your continent, and you haven't.

Dido: Why would I want to meet De Gaulle?

Churchill: (pauses, stumped) Err, how would you like to give us Monarchy and some money for Code of Laws?

Dido:

Churchill: Thanks, Dido!

<dial tone, then the phone rings again>

Churchill: Now, who can that be? Hello?

De Gaulle: Gimme Currency.

Churchill: Mmmmmmm... no.

De Gaulle: Why not?

Churchill: We have our reasons.

De Gaulle: That doesn't make any sense. There's no wonder associated with Currency. Goodbye, English! <dial tone>

Monty: Does this mean we're finally going to kill the French?

Churchill: Think a stack of 4 Catapults and one each of Heavy Footman/Crossbow/Swordsman/Axeman can take down 2 Archers?

Monty: It's a little light on the siege weapons, but I think I can make that work, Sir Winston.

Churchill: Make a call, Lady Astor.

<ringing sound>

De Gaulle: Allo?

(Churchill blows a trumpet into the mouthpiece)

Churchill: See you in hell, Charlie! <phone slams down>

<England declares war on France>

Lady Astor: I'm heartened by your newfound military fortitude, Winston, but look what happened to our trade routes.

Churchill: So we lost access to the Carthaginian markets through French waters. No matter; we will force a peace on the French shortly. General Montgomery, report!

Monty: Marseilles has fallen to our troops. We lost a single Catapult, but destroyed two French Archers and captured a Worker.

Churchill: Now capture Chartres.

Monty: Not without Siege wea-

Churchill: Attack now, Monty. No stalling, like you did at Alamein. The French are weak in Chartres; only an Archer and 20% Culture.

Monty: Very well...

Lady Astor: I recommend that we level Chartres, Winston. All it will do is encroach on Dover, and it has no food source.

Churchill: I agree. Burn it

<Chartres is razed>

Lady Astor: While we were warring, we discovered Compass and started research on Optics, and St John was born in a far away land.

Churchill: <rubbing fingertips together> Excellent. Get De Gaulle on the phone, please.

<ringing sound>

De Gaulle: What do you want, maudit English? Our forces are ready in Paris if you dare venture to the south.

Churchill: Yes, yes, I'm sure they are. But in case they aren't, will you give me Meditation, 40 gold, and 2 gold per turn for peace?

De Gaulle: That is all we have, but France shall rise again! Very well, peace it shall be... for now.

<dial tone>

<Churchill picks up the phone, and another ringing sound is heard>

Dido: Hello?

Churchill: Now that we can ship things through French waters again, would you like Crabs for 7 gold per turn?

Dido: I really enjoyed getting Crabs from the English, Winnie. Sure.

Churchill: Great! Thanks, Dido!

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: Our trade situation has dramatically improved, Winston

Churchill: That war wasn't so bad after all. What other news is there?

Lady Astor: William Morton and Francis Bacon have been born in distant lands. And we have discovered Optics.

Churchill: Bacon? I thought he was English?

Lady Astor: Not in this world, apparently. Shall we research Philosophy? Dido won't teach it to us, and we need it to get Liberalism.

Churchill: Makes sense.

 

[6K Man]

Churchill: What news, Lady Astor?

Lady Astor: De Gaulle has founded Grenoble, and the Statue of Zeus has been built in a land far away.

Churchill: Great! Or, actually, I don't care. How are our new lands acclimating to English rule?

Lady Astor: Not well:

Churchill: Not bloody likely! We just fought a war to take Marseilles from France; we're not about to give it back! What else is new?

Lady Astor: Isaac Newton was born in York, and Charles Darwin was born in a faraway land.

Churchill: Isn't that our second Isaac Newton?

Lady Astor: Yes, someone wasn't paying attention when he modified the Great Person names list. And Charles Darwin sounds suspiciously English, to have been born far away.

In other news, we built this waste of hammers

Churchill: Not at all, Lady Astor. The Sistine Chapel will facilitate faster border pops when we settle that great island to the north, and when we build in proximity to a hostile neighbour.

Lady Astor: Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

Churchill: (impatiently) Fine. Make yourself useful and call Dido for me

<ringing sound>

<ringing sound continues>

Lady Astor: You know, Flouzemaker did the video phone conceit better, and he did it first.

Churchill: My lawyers tell me that so long as we don't call it a video phone, we're good.

<more ringing>

Dido: Hi Winnie. What is it?

Churchill: How about some Wine in exchange for Fish?

Dido: Done. I'll ship you a nice Soave.

Churchill: Thanks Dido. You're such a great fri-<dial tone>

Lady Astor: Uh huh. Well, at least this will let London keep growing. Those non-river Cottages are only worth working due to Bureaucracy, though. Oh, look, more hammers wasted

That would have been better before Jane Austen wrote her postcards. Although it could still help, if we build the Taj Mahal.

Churchill: We will. This will be easy, remember?

Lady Astor: So you keep saying.

<a loud gong is heard>

<black and white graffiti begins appearing on English walls>

Lady Astor: I recommend that we avoid adopting Taoism, until we find someone else who follows that faith.

Churchill: I agree. No faith changes until the next Golden Age, anyway!

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: We have founded Leeds, and discovered Philosophy.

Churchill: I can excuse the lack of screen shots for new technologies, Lady Astor, but the lack of screen shots for new cities is simply unacceptable.

Lady Astor: <rolls eyes> Here's another screenshot, which I'm sure will be more to your liking

Churchill: Yeah? Yeah! Who's the most fecund race now, Dido? Huh? HUH?

Lady Astor: She can't hear you, and that word is icky.

Churchill: And you with 6 kids.

Lady Astor: 6 kids are easy to manage when you have servants, Winston. And incidentally, Dido has adopted Theocracy.

Monty: That's often a prelude to a military buildup, Sir Winston.

Lady Astor: Or she might just hate people of other faiths. Which is, by the way, perfectly natural and not at all racist.

(time passes)

Monty: Sir Winston, our scouting Caravel squadrons are complete. May I present their commander, Sir Francis Drake, to you? Sir Francis awaits your instructions.

Drake: (saluting) Good evening, Sir Winston.

Churchill: Good evening, Sir Francis. Now down to business. I wish your two squadrons to sail west and north-east, Sir Franci-

Drake: Is something wrong, Sir Winston?

Churchill: Nothing... well, actually, it seems awfully formal to call you Sir Francis, what with me being Dictator and you being just a Commodore...

Drake: (confused) I'm sorry, Sir Winston...

Churchill: Not your fault, of course.... but would you mind if I call you Francis?

Drake: No, not at all.

Churchill: Splendid. So much easier, and less formal.

Drake: Of course, sir. Francis, it is.

Churchill: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. Many of my advisors could learn from you. So, Frank, the northeast route... er- do you mind if I call you Frank, as opposed to Francis?

Drake: No, no, everyone calls me Frank.

Churchill: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.

Drake: Yes it is.

Churchill: And much less formal!

Drake: Yes, sir. Frank, Francis or anything!

Churchill: Thank you. Now where were we? Ah yes. Frankie Baby, when you set out to the northeast...

Drake: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called 'Frankie Baby'.

Churchill: What?

Drake: I don't like being called 'Frankie Baby'.

Churchill: (pause) Did I call you 'Frankie Baby'?

Drake: Yes, you did! Now if you could please give me my orders...

Churchill: I don't think I did call you 'Frankie Baby'.

Drake: You did!

Churchill: (to others) Did I call him 'Frankie Baby'?

Lady Astor: I think so, but I don't really listen to you, Winston.

Monty: Absolutely, Sir Winston. As is your prerogative, of course.

Churchill: (to Drake) I'm sorry for calling you 'Frankie Baby', Sweetie.

Drake: Don't call me 'Sweetie'!

Churchill: Can I call you 'Sugar plum'?

Drake: No!

Churchill: 'Pussycat'?

Drake: NO!

Churchill: 'Angel drawers'?

Drake: No you may not! Get on with it!

Churchill: Oh, dear. (pause) I'll call you Frank, then. Is that alright?

Drake: Of course!!

Churchill: Marvelous. Now, see here, Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...

(Drake storms out angrily)

Churchill: (calling after him) Come back... Angel Drawers!

Churchill: (to Lady Astor) I think that went well.

Lady Astor: Better than I expected it would. St Peter has been born in a distant land, by the way.

Churchill: Good for him. He must have been one sweet fetus to be beatified at birth.

Lady Astor: No doubt.

Churchill: Speaking of people who haven't accomplished anything, let's give De Gaulle a call.

<ringing sound>

De Gaulle: What do you want, English?

Churchill: We want to give you some Pigs in return for some money.

De Gaulle: Fine. Go away <dial tone>

Churchill: I can feel the French warming to us again, Lady Astor.

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: Winston, we have founded Christianity.

Churchill: Does that mean we were first to Theology?

Lady Astor: No. Dido beat us there. You selected Limited Religions, so no nation can found more than one religion. Those who beat us to Theology must already have founded religions.

Churchill: Oh, fine. Come to think of it, though, it would have been nice if St Peter had been born here, to allow us to build the Christian shrine.

Lady Astor: You're going to detour to Divine Right for the free Great Prophet, aren't you?

Churchill: (evasively) No... not necessarily.

(time passes)

Lady Astor: De Gaulle has founded Amiens, and converted to Christianity.

Churchill: Ha ha! Really? Oh, we have to build the shrine now, just so the French can tithe to us!

(more time passes)

Churchill: What was that 'ding' sound?

Lady Astor: We researched Paper.

Churchill: Great. Start on Divine Right.

Lady Astor: We already started researching Education.

Churchill: So? This isn't Civ 1, switch!

Lady Astor: The Carthagines are researching Education, and we don't want them to beat us to Liberalism, do we?

Churchill: (sulkily) No. Fine. Keep researching Education. But now that we know Paper-

Lord Beaverbook: We can FINALLY get my adult media business off the ground?

Churchill: (ignoring him) -we can trade maps. Get me the bodacious Dido on the phone!

<ringing sound>

Dido: Hi Winnie, what's shaking?

Lord Beaverbook: We might as you the same thing, Lady Dido.

Dido: (puzzled) But I don't have a double chin?

(an awkward silence ensues)

Churchill: So, can we offer you an ancient-era tech in exchange for your maps and all your money?

Dido: The oldest tech you have that I need is Metal Casting. I'd take that, in exchange for my maps and 90 gold.

Churchill: Fine. For a 1200 beaker tech, this had better be some map.

Oh.

<dial tone>

Monty: That's quite a map she has. I see the Irish, the Turks, and the Italians.

Lady Astor: Celtics, Ottomans, and Romans.

Churchill: Mussolini! My old foe.

Lady Astor: Winston, listen to me. This isn't the sa-<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello, Winston Churchill speaking.

Dido: Hi again, Winnie.

Churchill: Well, hello Dido. What can we do for you?

Dido: I can't afford to get Crabs from you anymore. So I'm canceling that deal.

<dial tone>

Churchill: I guess this is her way of recouping the 90 gold the Celts paid for Metal Casting. Lady Astor, were you saying something?

Lady Astor: Yes, but it will be ignored. Instead, I'll just report that Rosalind Franklin has been born.

Churchill: Great! Send her to London so she can hobnob with Isaac Newton 2.0.

Lady Astor: You'll have 3 Great People just sitting in London. Why not bulb something, or send a trade mission?

Churchill: Mnnmmmm... maybe later. General Montgomery, report!

Monty: Our English Expeditionary Force has bombarded Kassite!

Our Legio X unit has led the charge through Kassite's shattered defenses!

And I am pleased to report, Sir Winston, that the city of Kassite is now in our hands!

Churchill: Splendid! General Montgomery, I hereby promote you to Field Marshal!

Monty: I was already a Field Marshal. You've just been calling me a general for the last several turns.

Churchill: On second thought, while Kassite is on a promising location, it's just a size 1 city with no improvements. No promotions until a truly historic victory is secured!

Drake: (bursting in) I am pleased to report, Sir Winston, that the Golden Hind has made contact with lands to the west!

Churchill: Who are you, again?

(Silence. Drake has disappeared)

Churchill: Hmmm. Continue exploring. We'll call this land... Australia.

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: The rarest of random events just happened, Winston: A quest appeared that might be winnable AND worth winning.

Churchill: We'll easily build the 6 Caravels, but we might not need 11 Harbours. We'll see, I suppose. Did we just found Reading?

Lady Astor: Yes, we did. And Herodotus has deemed us the second most powerful nation in the world:

Churchill: Dido again? Who do these Carthagines think they are? And why doesn't Herodotus name these 'unknown civilizations'?

Lady Astor: It's a mystery, Wins-<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Boudica: Hello, English.

Lord Beaverbook: Why helllllooooo there....

Churchill: Hello Irish! Shouldn't you be on a tiny island to my left?

Boudica: We're not Irish, we're Celtic.

Churchill: Like these guys?

Boudica: No.

Churchill: Well, we have vassals turned off in this game, but we can treat you as a vassal easily enough.

Boudica: Mmmm... how about no. But you can give us Literature and we'll give you our Maps and 70 gold, instead?

Churchill: Marvelous idea, I've read Irish literature and you're much better off with the English stuff.

Boudica: (sighs impatiently) Is there anything else?

Churchill: Would you like Crabs, dear?

Boudica: What?

Churchill: Would you like Crabs from the English in exchange for Deer?

Boudica: Fine. Yes. Goodbye. <dial tone>

Churchill: Let's call up Dido-

Lord Beaverbook: For comparative purposes?

Churchill: To see if she'll give us her 11g cash flow for Crabs.

<ringing sound>

Churchill: Dido?

Dido: Winnie!

Churchill: Want to get Crabs from us again for 11g per turn?

Dido: Sure! I've been itching for some Crabs lately.

Dido: Bye, Winnie!
<dial tone>

Churchill: That went well. Now let's see if we can squeeze some more money out of the French.

<ringing sound>

De Gaulle: Allo?

Churchill: Charles, it's me, Winston Churchill.

De Gaulle: (spits, audibly)

Churchill: I know we've had our differences, but history tells us that despite warring in the past, England and France will ally and face a great enemy together.

De Gaulle: With ze French doing most of ze fighting, no doubt.

Churchill: Err... possibly?

De Gaulle: What do you want, English?

Churchill: Well, we'd like to renegotiate our Pigs deal, since you have some more cash on hand.

<Pigs for 2g/turn canceled>

De Gaulle: Not interested.

Churchill: What?

De Gaulle: We have no gold. As soon as you canceled the Pigs deal, we spent the gold from it and our other surplus gold on an annual Photobucket account. Goodbye, English! <dial tone>

Churchill: (perplexed) What just happened?

Lady Astor: It can pay off to regularly renegotiate resource trade deals when you see the other side has extra cash on hand, but sometimes, they will show zero cash after you cancel the initial trade. Possibly because they adjusted their research rate after the trade was canceled.

Churchill: Well, that sucks. Anything else happening?

Lady Astor: Mohammed Shah was born in a land far away...

Churchill: Damn! Another Great Prophet who should have been born here!

Lady Astor: And we have founded Birmingham

Churchill: The English nation will soon surpass all others in size!

Lady Astor: Not without a fight. Dido has founded Carmona and Boudica has founded Ratae. And we met someone else...

<phone rings>

Churchill: (face contorts in rage) Mussolini! My old foe!

Caesar: (puzzled) Well, if it isn't my former province, England! I'm Julius Caesar.

Churchill: Fascist scum! Begone!

Lady Astor: (interjecting) But before you go, sign Open Borders!

Caesar: Very well. <dial tone>

Churchill: What was THAT, Lady Astor? The Eyetalians are our sworn enemy!

Lady Astor: This isn't 1940, Winston, and so long as the Great Lighthouse is active, the more trades routes we have, the better!

Churchill: Infamous!

Lady Astor: Considering the great strides other nations are making, we would do well to maintain what advantages we have.

Churchill: What strides?

Lady Astor: Well, since this conversation started, the French have founded Cherbourg, and the Carthagines completed the Hagia Sophia. But in better news, we have founded Richmond

Monty: And Sir Francis Drake reports that we have circumnavigated the globe, Sir Winston.

Churchill: Drake? Francis Drake? Where do I know that name from? Good show, regardless.

 

[6K Man]

Monty: Our exploring Caravels have met the Turks, Sir Winston.

Lady Astor: Ottomans.

<phone rings>
Ataturk: Merhaba, English! Want to swap maps?

Churchill: What? Our maps are much better than yours, Atarurk. Get lost!
<slams down phone>

(Lady Astor nods, approvingly)

Churchill: What?

Lady Astor: Considering that the Romans, Celts and Carthagines all hate the Ottomans, you did well in refusing to trade with them.

Churchill: I don't know half the names you mentioned there, but... thanks?

<Churchill picks up the phone, and dials>

De Gaulle: What is it, English?

Churchill: Ah, De Gaulle. I see you suddenly have a cash flow of 4g. Care to swap that for Pigs?

De Gaulle: Much as I hate you and still refuse to Open Borders with England, I can't resist the lure of a good honey ham. Yes, fine, take all our free spending money, for Pigs!

Churchill: OK!

<dial tone>

<phone rings, again>

Tokugawa: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Shogun Tokugawa of the Japanese.

Churchill: So... Tojo. We meet at last.

Tokugawa: I'm not Tojo. But do you want to trade maps, Churchill?

Churchill: I'd like to buy your map for some backwards tech... er, I mean, yes, I would!

Tokugawa: Too bad!

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: Tokugawa is notorious for not trading maps, or opening borders, and for being a bit of a prig in general.

Churchill: He sounds a lot like Tojo. I think he is Tojo. Anyway, what else is going on?

Lady Astor: Other nations continue to expand rapidly. The Romans have founded Viroconium, for example.

Churchill: They may have Viroconium, but they shall not have Abyssinia!

Lady Astor: I don't know what you're talking about, Winston. But this seems like a good time to review our current trade data.

As you can see, opening borders with the Romans, Celts and Carthagines has boosted our commerce immensely. We are generating 164 commerce in foreign trade per turn, which is almost a third of our total commerce.

Churchill: What's that smoke I see down to the southeast?

Lady Astor: Oh, just a slave revolt in Newcastle. These things wouldn't happen if we were in a more modern civic, like Caste System.

Lord Beaverbook: Our nation is rich in food and poor in production, Sir Winston. I simply cannot work my economic miracles without, er, "human capital". Perhaps we could attempt to implement a Caste System after learning Guilds?

Churchill: We'll see.

Lady Astor: We have learned Education, Winston. Shall we begin researching Guilds?

Churchill: No. Research Divine Right. I know you see it as a needless diversion, but it will allow us to build the Hungarian Cannon and the Barbary Corsair, in addition to getting us a free Prophet.

Lady Astor: You're the boss. Still. In any event, we have completed Notre Dame in London.

Churchill: No snarky comment about wasting hammers?

Lady Astor: No. 2 in each city is nothing to sneeze at.

Churchill: Someone take a screenshot of this, please.

 

[6K Man]

Churchill: Lady Astor? Please report on the progress of our rivals.

Lady Astor: Tipu Sultan and St Augustine have been born in far away lands. And Dido has completed the Colossus.

Churchill: Ugh. Another Great Prophet born somewhere else. Why are our people deficient in Prophet-genes?

Lady Astor: We don't even understand Medicine, let alone Genetics. And Cecil Rhodes was born in London, incidentally.

Churchill: Is he a Prophet?

Lady Astor: (sighs heavily) No. A Merchant. Which, incidentally, would bring us more money via a trade mission than a Shrine would over 50 turns. And why aren't you upset about the Colossus? That would have been much more useful than the Sistine Chapel.

Churchill: Don't change the subject.

Monty: Sir Winston, we have met-<phone rings>

Mao: Greetings, imperialist dog.

Churchill: Mao? What have you done with my good friend, Chiang Kai-Shek?

Mao: Never heard of her. Or Qin Shi Huang, for that matter.

Churchill: OK, never mind then. Would you give us your maps and 10 gold for Music?

Mao: Sure.

Churchill: Well, thank you very much. And how about open borders?

Mao: Very well

Churchill: Good show. <hangs up>

Churchill: (to Lady Astor) Do we have an Opium supply we can trade to China?

Lady Astor: As they are godless communists, we should probably avoid trading with Mao and the Chinese.

Churchill: They don't even know Communism yet, much less have they adopted it. But I'll keep that in mind. That is a very nice map - I see the Americans, Indians, Japanese, and... the Germans!

Monty: (shouting, offscreen) Never fear, we'll shatter the Boche! Shatter the Boche!

Lady Astor: The Germans do not seem very threatening now, General, but thank you. (to Churchill) Winston, the French have founded Poitiers, and Euclid has been born in Carthage.

Churchill: Is Poitiers on our island? If not, I don't care. Just tell me the important things, Lady Astor.

Lady Astor: I'll let you decide if this call is important <phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Gustav: Hello, Angles!

Churchill: (suspiciously) Hello. Are you German? Gustav ... Adolf. Sounds German.

Gustav: No, no, no. We are not German, we are Viking!

Churchill: Oh, I see. Well, despite some unpleasantness in the historical distant past between our nations, we can be friends, Gustav. Shall we buy your maps? Let's see what techs you nee---ahhhh! Ah ha HA HA HA HA...!

Gustav: Pardon? We don't want to trade maps...

Churchill: (gasping, wiping tears from his eyes) You don't trade maps, that's not the issue! You don't know (choking back a guffaw) Pottery!

Gustav: (stiffly) No, we do not. We are a minor civ, just recently risen from barbarian status.

Churchill: Oh-oh-ho ho hee hee... Yes, I can see that. Here, have Pottery! And keep your maps, Gustav. Goodbye!
<dial tone>

Churchill: (to Lady Astor) That was unimportant, but seriously funny.

 

[6K Man]

Churchill: Oh dear. I won't forget that Pottery moment for a long time, Lady Astor.

Lady Astor: They are remarkably backward, but I'm afraid that your largesse with with the Vikings has led a parade of supplicants to our door.

<phone rings>
Churchill: Hello?

Mao: Hello English imperialists. It is I, Mao Tse-tung. Would you like to teach us Philosophy?

Churchill: No, we would not, Bolshevik heathens. <hangs up>

<the phone rings again>
Churchill: What now?

Gustav: O wise Angles, would you teach us the secret of Animal Husbandry?

Churchill: Are you putting me on? Pulling our collective leg?

Gustav: Pardon?

Churchill: (giggling) You seriously don't know Animal Husbandry, either?

Gustav: (gritting teeth) No. We. do. not.

Churchill: Here you go, then. Goodbye, Gustav.

<dial tone>

(Churchill and Lady Astor look at each other for a moment, and then burst out laughing)

Churchill: (still chortling, wiping a tear from his face) So what else is new, Lady Astor?

Lady Astor: We have founded Exeter

And somebody called Wang Kon has started a Golden Age.

Churchill: Wank on? One of your customers, Lord Beaverbook?

(time passes)

Lady Astor: The Carhaginians have founded Onube and Carthago Nova, Winston.

Churchill: We just can't shake them in city count, can we?

<a ringing sound is heard>

Churchill: Can we get unique ring tones for all the other leaders, so I can know which ones to answer?

Lady Astor: No.

<ringing continues>

Churchill: Fine. (picking up phone) Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Caesar: No. Do you have Civil Service for Rome?

Churchill: I don't think so, fascist scum.

Caesar: Sorry, I phrased that badly. I meant to say, do you have Civil Service for Rome, OR ELSE.

Churchill:

In other words, No means no, Mussolini!

Caesar: You'll regret this, if you ever realize who I really am. Goodbye!

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: This may mean war with Rome-

Churchill: Italy. And, bring it on.

Lady Astor: As I was saying, with Rome. But they may already have their hands full with the Ottomans. Who you've been deliberately snubbing.

Monty: Sir Winston, if the Italians dare attempt to invade, they will have to do so by sea, passing the Carthaginian coast where we have Triremes posted. We should spot any aggression by Mussolini well in advance.

Churchill: Jolly good!

Lady Astor: You two will be the death of me. I'm going to ignore your crackpot diplomacy and focus on facts. Winston, our neighbours continue to advance rapidly. Boudica and Ataturk have founded new cities, and Dido completed Chichen Itza. And someone named James Watt was born in a country called America.

Churchill: Where's that? I have a feeling that a special relationship might develop between us.

Lady Astor: America is on the map that Mao sold us, but we haven't met them yet.

Churchill: Well, I'm prepared to be as arbitrarily nice to them as I am arbitrarily mean to to Italy. Speaking of which, get Mussolini on the phone.

<ringing noise>
Caesar: What do you want, Churchill?

Churchill: Would you like Crabs in exchange for 8 gold per turn?

Caesar: Yes, we can do that.

Churchill: Excellent. Goodbye!

<hangs up>

Churchill: (to Lady Astor) That'll keep him confused.

Lady Astor: Until he declares war on us, anyway. Winston, this American nation we hear about has completed Shwedagon Paya. And we have learned Divine Right.

Churchill: Aha, finally! Shrine time! Wait... where's the Great Prophet?

Lady Astor: There is none.

Churchill: Wha....?

Lady Astor: Close your mouth, Winston. Someone evidently beat us to Divine Right. Maybe it was this one:

<phone rings>

Gandhi: Hello, England!

Churchill: Do you know Divine Right, Gandhi?

Gandhi: Not at all...

Churchill: In that case, yes, we will trade you Code of Laws for your maps and 80 gold.

Gandhi: Sounds great! Should we Open Borders, as well?

Churchill: Absolutely. Free trade with our vassal states is what made England great! Goodbye, Gandhi.

<hangs up>

Lady Astor: Gandhi just founded another city, Prayaja. And I see we are researching Feudalism... why?

Churchill: I don't care, and so we can get Guilds later. So we can finally get out of Slavery, remember?

Monty: I would have preferred Astronomy, which would allow us to conquer the barbarian city west of Carthage.

Lady Astor: And Astronomy would also facilitate trade across the oceans, and let us colonize far away lands.

Churchill: Mmhhhmmmm... I see. Maybe later.

<the phone rings>
Ataturk: Want to join me in a war against a country you're on good terms with, and oppose the dominant 3-power bloc on my continent?

Churchill: Well, when you put it that way... no.
<dial tone>

Churchill: Although if it was Mussolini you were warring with... maybe?

<the phone rings again>
Gandhi: Would you like to trade maps, Churchill?

Churchill: After I just bought your maps a turn ago? No thanks. <hangs up>

Churchill: What's with these people, anyway?

Lady Astor: Says the man who tries to renegotiate commodity deals the moment AI cash flow increases.

Churchill: That's... different. Say, what was that noise?

Lady Astor: Caesar has created the King's Yeomanry.

Churchill: Who?

Lady Astor: (rolls eyes) Mussolini.

Churchill: An English national unit! The audacity of that bald-headed, pudgy little...

Lady Astor: (smirking) Yes?

Churchill: Never mind. Is there any news?

Lady Astor: Ataturk and "Mussolini" founded cities this turn. And we have met the Vietnamese.

<phone rings>

Churchill: You get it, Lord Beaverbook. You're the local expert on Ho's.

Lord Beaverbook: Hullo... what are you wearing?

Ho: (looking down) A Nehru jacket and a goatee.

Lord Beaverbook: Sexxxxxxxxxxy.

Churchill: (in the background) Ask for his maps!

Lord Beaverbook: Say, baby, would you like me to spell out some letters out with m-

Churchill: (grabs the phone hastily) Hello! Would you give us your maps in exchange for the knowledge of Alphabet?

Ho: Sure, why not?

Churchill: Thanks, Ho. And my best wishes to all of French Indochina! <hangs up>

Churchill: (to Lord Beaverbook) You are not to answer the phone again.

<as if on cue, the phone rings again>

Churchill: What?

Ho: Give us Civil Service!

Churchill: I just gave you Alphabet for some maps of marginal utility. So, no.

Ho: Dumb move, Churchill.

Churchill: Says the guy who didn't know Alphabet in 640 AD.
<dial tone>

Churchill: Has anything important happened lately?

Lady Astor: We finished Feudalism, and per your instructions we are now researching Guilds, against everyone else's better judgment. And Caesar has declared war on Ataturk.

Churchill: Mussolini.

Lady Astor: Whatever.

Monty: Sir Winston, if you are considering a declaration of war on the Eyeties, bear in mind that we have no way of sending military units to them without making war on France, first. The Italians, on the other hand, can freely pass through French waters.

Churchill: Fine, we'll stay out of this one for now. I still can't believe France hasn't met Dido... they're literally ten tiles apart!

Lady Astor: It's a mystery, much like our position at the top of the scoreboard. Roger Bacon has been born, Winston. Should I send him to London to gather dust with the other Great People?

Churchill: Yes. Patience, Lady Astor. The Merchants will go on trade missions when we build more Caravels, and the Scientists will be part of a Golden Age soon. Probably.

<the phone rings>

Churchill: Good heavens, who can it be now?

Roosevelt: Greetings, Winston Churchill of England.

Churchill: Franklin Roosevelt! My dear, dear friend! So good to see you!

Roosevelt: Sure, I guess.

Churchill: Splendid! Now Franklin, would you consider trading us your maps and all your money in exchange for Code of Laws?

Roosevelt: Yes, we can do business on those terms. Agreed.

Churchill: I'm so glad to hear that, Franklin.... may I call you Frank?

Roosevelt: No.
<dial tone>

Lady Astor: It's a good thing you're Charismatic, although I don't understand how. We have founded Gloucester.

Churchill: Nice. Another city site taken away from the French!

Lady Astor: And our explorers have met someone else, apparently...

<phone rings>
Churchill: Who's there?

Hatty: Greetings. I am Hatshepshut of Egypt.

Churchill: Greetings, backward vassal type state of Egypt! Would you like an ancient technology we have practically forgotten about, in exchange for your maps?

Hatty: Oh, I suppose.

Churchill: Thanks. Goodbye! <dial tone>

Lady Astor: Winston, since you are in the mood to hand out obsolete technologies for less than market value, why haven't you traded Literature to the Ottomans and Japanese? You could get a few hundred gold that way.

Churchill: Trade with our ancient enemies, the Japanese? And with the foes of our leprechauny cousins, the Irish? Never!

Lady Astor: There's so many things wrong with that response.

Churchill: But now that you mention it, let's try to squeeze some more cash out of Dido.

<dialing>
Dido: Hi, Winnie!

Churchill: Hi, Di. Listen, I'm canceling our Crabs for 11g deal.

Dido: Why?

Churchill: Ah, no reason. But would you like to trade 14g for Cr--wha?

Dido: Oh, we don't want Crabs anymore.

Churchill: Nobody wants Crabs, but they're an unavoidable side effect of relations. Trade relations, that is.

Dido: Sorry.

Churchill: (sighs) Okay, would you like Gems for 14g?

Dido: Gems? Oh, yes Winnie! Does this mean-

Churchill: No.

<hangs up>

Lady Astor: So, for an extra 3g per turn, we're trading a resource to Dido that will let her cities grow even bigger.

Churchill: I know. Live by the trade exploit, die by the trade exploit. What news?

Lady Astor: Gustav has founded Birka.

Churchill: Don't care. Those guys still live on dirt floors.

Lady Astor: And Tokugawa has captured Philadelphia. A great general, Khalid al-Walid, has been born in Tokyo.

Churchill: The dastardly Tojo has sneak attacked my good friend Franklin! This date will live in infamy!

Lady Astor: Actually, the Japanese and Americans have been at war for some time. It's not going well for Roosevelt.

Monty: We could have sent help to America, if we had learned Astronomy.

Churchill: I guess the best we can do is give them some obsolete ships in return for some bases. Yes, that seems right.

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: Winston, we have founded Manchester.

Churchill: Jolly good.

<phone rings>

Roosevelt: Hello, Winston?

Churchill: Hello, Franklin! So good to hear from you! How are things?

Roosevelt: Not great, Im afraid. The war with Japan is not going well for us.

Churchill: Oh, that's a shame. I forsee that in future, we will stand shoulder to shoulder against the Japanese. But not now. Maybe we can help in another way?

Roosevelt: Well, since you can't send us any troops, how about teaching us Paper?

Churchill: Of course! And how about Open Borders?

Roosevelt: Sure. Not that it will help either of us much, at this point. And now I must go and make an inspirational speech. Talk with you later, Winston.

<dial tone>

Churchill: Poor chap.

Lady Astor: I'm not sure why you're committing to America, considering that they'll likely lose the war before they can be any help to us, or us to them.

Churchill: We. Have. A. Special. Relationship!

Lady Astor: (rolls eyes) Fine, have it your way, as always. Do you care about what's happening elsewhere in the world?

Churchill: No, but I'm sure you'll tell me, anyway.

Lady Astor: Gandhi, Dido, and Cae- er, Mussolini have founded new cities. And Gustav has converted to Christianity.

<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Ho: England should join us on our war of extermination against the Egyptians! What do you say?

<phone beeps>

Churchill: Hang on, Ho - I've got another call. Hello?

Hatty: Would you teach us Compass?

Churchill: Hold on, Hatty. No, Ho, we will not help you destroy Egypt.

Hello?

Hatty: It's still me.

Churchill: Oh. Well, this is awkward. Anyway, no, we won't be giving you Compass.

<Hatty hangs up>

Churchill: Ho, are you still there?

Ho: I'm here.

Churchill: The answer is no.

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: (approvingly) Very even-handed of you, Winston.

Churchill: Oh, it was nothing. Let's call Dido, she seems to have some extra money lying around.

<phone rings>

Dido: Hello?

Churchill: Hi Di, it's me, your friend Winston Churchill. Can you give us 220 gold?

Dido: Mmmm, no. I don't think so. Bye, Winnie!

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: She's getting wise to your methods, Winston. By the way, we have found the land of Mali.

Churchill: Can I talk to them?

Lady Astor: It doesn't seem like they are willing to converse with us. They're still just a proto-civilization, and can't enter into diplomatic relations yet.

Churchill: Oh.

Lady Astor: And Bristol was founded.

Churchill: Mmm.

Lady Astor: De Gaulle and Mao founded cities, too.

Churchill: Don't care, so long as they aren't on our island.

<the phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Boudica: Hi, Winston. Listen, this deal doesn't work for us anymore.

Churchill: Why not?

Boudica: We don't need to get Crabs from you. We have discovered our own infestation of Crabs.

Churchill: (sighs) So I suppose I need to send you Gems in order to keep getting Deer?

Boudica: That's right, and you've got a deal. Goodbye, Winston.

<hangs up>

Churchill: I don't like giving up a happiness resource that will let Boudi grow her cities, but we need Deer to keep our own cities healthy.

Lady Astor: So you say, but health is only an issue for a handful of our cities. And a little unhealth never hurt anyone.

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: We have discovered Guilds.

Churchill: Research Banking, so we can build our UB, the Stock Exchange!

Lord Beaverbook: Sir Winston, will we be revolting to Caste System in order to make our Workshops more productive?

Churchill: Not without a Golden Age, we won't.

Monty: Sir Winston, I recommend that we upgrade our Triremes to Galleasses.

Lord Beaverbook: "Asses." Heh.

Churchill: (ignoring Beaverbook) Yes, let's do that.

Lady Astor: It's my duty to inform you that some weird religion, Buddhism, has spread in our lands.

Churchill: And we won't be adopting it, since nobody except Boudica is an adherent. We haven't even adopted the religion we founded!

Lady Astor: Quite right, Winston. By the way, Roosevelt and Boudica each founded cities.

Churchill: Look, stop telling me about new foreign cities unless they're trespassing on our lands. Same with foreign great people.

Lady Astor: As you like, Winston. Are you going to do something about all our extra Crabs?

Churchill: Turpentine? (pauses) Let me make a call.

<phone rings>

Churchill: Boudica, Ataturk? Are you both there?

Boudica: You realize we hate each other, right? This had better be good.

Ataturk: Yes, what do you want, Churchill?

Churchill: I want to give you both Crabs! Sell them to you, anyway.

Boudica, Ataturk: (in unison) Done.

Churchill: Goodbye and good luck with your feud!

<hangs up>

Churchill: Now, to domestic issues. Lord Beaverbook?

Lord Beaverbook: Yes, Sir Winston?

Churchill: Settle Rosalind Franklin in London. She's been lazing about for too long, time to put her to work. We have some major builds coming for London.

Lady Astor: More wonders, I'm guessing.

Lord Beaverbook: It is done, Sir Winston.

Churchill: Excellent. <picks up phone and dials>

Gandhi: Do you come in peace, Churchill?

Churchill: For now, anyway. Say, do you want to give us 110g and your maps for Compass?

Gandhi: The future depends on what we do in the present.

Churchill: I'll take that as a yes. Goodbye, Gandhi. <hangs up>

<the phone rings again>

Churchill: Hello?

Ataturk: Can you give me Feudalism?

Churchill: No way, fez-head. You're way too unpopular to deal with.

Ataturk: Darn.

<dial tone>

<Phone rings, yet again>

Churchill: I'm still waiting for one of these calls to be someone selling me a long distance plan. Hello?

Boudica: All the cool civs are making war on the Ottomans, Winston. Will you join us?

Churchill: Since I can't reach them and they can't reach me, seems like a can't-lose proposition. Sure, Boudica!

Boudica: Thanks, Winston!

Lord Beaverbook: And thank you for heaving your chest theatrically, Boudica!

<Boudica hangs up>

<ENGLAND declares war on OTTOMANS>

Churchill: It's the least we could do, considering that the Irish are practically our vassal.

Lady Astor: It's a low-risk move, but it's not like the Celtics and Romans can't handle Ataturk. Roosevelt isn't nearly as capable, though; Washington has fallen to the Japanese. And a Great General has emerged to lead the Japanese armies.

Churchill: Tough break. They should never have seceded back in the 1700s.

<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Stalin: Greetings, decadent bourgeois English!

Churchill: Stalin! You know, I was hoping to find you. I think we'll be great friends.

Stalin: (snorts derisively)

<dial tone>

Churchill: What's with these people? De Gaulle's all testy, and now so is Stalin. We're supposed to be friends!

Lord Beaverbook: (sniggering) Testes.

Lady Astor: I don't think Stalin liked you all that much in the real world either, Winston. But in any case, we have bigger issues to deal with. Dido is now able to research Liberalism.

Churchill: How? She doesn't know Paper.

Lady Astor: Paper isn't a prerequisite to Liberalism in LoR, Winston.

Churchill: Oh. Well, switch from Printing Press to Liberalism. Can we finish it before Dido?

Lady Astor: Oh, definitely.

 

[6K Man]

<phone rings>

Churchill: I'll get it. Hello?

Bismarck: Guten tag, Englander.

Churchill: Fascist! It was fate that I would find you here. England will stand against you come what may, a bulkward against the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of your perverted science.

Lord Beaverbook: (perking up suddenly) Perverted?

Churchill: (running out of breath) We shall never surrender!

Bismarck: I haff no idea of vhat you are talking about, Englishman.

Churchill: You shall not have the Sudetenland! You shall not have Danzig!

Bismarck: (shaking head) Tschuss, English.

<Bismarck hangs up>

Churchill: It is as I feared, the great enemy of the free people, Hit-

Lady Astor: Shhh!

Churchill: What?

Lady Astor: We can't say that name.

Churchill: Fine. Call him Hess, or Germann Hoering.

Lord Beaverbook: Oh, I like that one.

Churchill: I repeat: We shall never surrender!

Lady Astor:

<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Bismarck: I forgot to ask: Can ve haff Compass?

Churchill: That's a big nein, Hoering! Now take your phony Marshal's baton and get out of here!

Bismarck: (shakes head) Verruckt Englander.

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: Winston, while you were ranting at Bismarck-

Churchill: Hoering!

Lady Astor: -we opened borders with Egypt, and declined to do the same with Vietnam, their enemy. We completed the Corsair, The Jolly Roger. And both Boudica and Mussolini have generated Great Generals; we can infer the war with the Ottomans is not going badly for them.

Churchill: If only we could participate. Are the French still unwilling to open borders?

Lady Astor: Yes. And, even more amazing, they still haven't met any other nations.

Churchill: Perhaps the Jolly Roger could winnow out some of their excess Triremes...

Monty: Good idea, Sir Winston. I'll have Admiral Drake embark on some privateering.

<phone rings>

Roosevelt: Winston, it's Franklin. We are in desperate straits against the Japanese. Will you join us in a war against them?

Churchill: Of course, Franklin! We're more than happy to lend our moral support to the American war effort.

Roosevelt: So, you still don't know Astronomy, in other words.

Churchill: Right.

Roosevelt: Well, send help as soon as you can. Goodbye, Winston.

<hangs up>

<ENGLAND declares war on JAPAN>

Lady Astor: Our explorers have met Korea. They might also be oppressed by Japan, Winston.

Churchill: Ah, so you're the Wang we've heard about. Greetings from England! Would you give us your maps in exchange for Aesthetics?

Wang Kon: Yes, of course. We'd even give you what meagre cash we have on hand.

Churchill: Very cordial of you. Goodbye!

<hangs up>

Churchill: Now, let's call Dido and see if we can renegotiate that Gems deal.

<Churchill pushes 33, Dido's speed-dial number>

Dido: Hi, Winnie!

Churchill: Hello again, Dido. Listen, it's time to renegotiate our Gems deal.

Dido: Gems? We don't need any Gems, Winnie. Is there something else you'd like to trade with us?

Churchill: What? You were paying us 11g per turn for Gems just now!

Dido: I know. But I have my own Gems now. Do you have anything else you want to trade?

Churchill: Uh... well, no.

Dido: OK then. Bye-bye, Winnie!

<Dido hangs up>

Churchill: Well, ****, she did it to me again.

Lady Astor: She played you like a rented violin, Winston. Why don't I handle the diplomacy for a while? You can be sure I wouldn't be fooled by her.

Churchill: Fine.

(time passes)

Lady Astor: Hatty and Boudica offered trades that were of no benefit to us, so I turned them down. More importantly, Ho has completed the Apostolic Palace, in Judaism.

Churchill: So? None of our cities are Jewish, so we don't run the risk of AP penalties.

Lady Astor: Well, aside from this confirming the existence of a worldwide Jewish consp-

Churchill: (interjecting quickly) Just... stop. Only the Vietnamese, Egyptians, and Russians have any adherents to that faith. And Egypt and Vietnam are at war.

Lady Astor: (taking a breath) Fine, nevermind. Don't say I didn't warn you when we have a Jewish crusade bearing down on us.

Churchill: I don't think you have to worry about me saying that.

Monty: If I may interrupt, Sir Winston, we have located Sumeria.

Churchill: If that's a Warrior walking around, I think we can safely ignore Sumeria.

<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Gandhi: Greetings, colonial oppressor.

Churchill: Gandhi! How's the jewel of England's imperial crown doing?

Gandhi: We're fine. But we'd be happier with Optics. Would you give us that for Drama and 100g?

Churchill: Sure, we've already circumnavigated the globe. You've got a deal, Kemosabe!

Gandhi: I'm not - oh, nevermind. Goodbye, Churchill.

<dial tone>

Churchill: I never thought I'd get Drama from Gandhi. I expected that from the female rulers!

Lady Astor: Pig. Speaking of Dido, though, the Carthagines have declared war on the Ottomans, too.

Churchill: Looks bad for Ataturk.

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: We have completed Liberalism!

Churchill: I knew we could! And our free tech will be Nationalism. Lord Beaverbook, start the Taj Mahal in Nottingham. We shall have your civic changes!

Lady Astor: Shall we research Astronomy?

Churchill: Finish Printing Press, then Astronomy.

Monty: Without Astronomy, we have no way to attack the Ottomans so long as the French won't open their borders. Or render any material assistance to the Americans.

Churchill: Oh, just leave that to me.

Monty: Best that you hurry, Sir Winston. Japan has captured Atlanta, and produced another Great General.

Churchill: Sherman? I kid, I kid. But we'd better get Franklin on the phone <dials>

Roosevelt: Hello? Hello? This connection isn't very good.

Churchill: Franklin, how are you?

Roosevelt: Not good, Winston. My government is presently on the run after the sack of Washington. I'm in the back of a wagon, now.

Churchill: Quite, quite. Would you like the knowledge of Guilds? You could build Knights with it.

Roosevelt: Absolutely! Here's 100 gold and the maps we already gave you, as a sign of our gratitude.

Churchill: May the god of your choice be with you, Franklin! Cheerio!

<hangs up>

Churchill: I wonder if the poor bugger will make it, Lady Astor.

Lady Astor: Well, for what it's worth, Japan and the USA just made peace.

Churchill: Huzzah! Let's give Mr Tojo a call. <dials>

Churchill: Huh. No answer. <hangs up>

Churchill: You know, Lady Astor, I'm not even mad about Roosevelt making peace with Japan 4 turns after dragging us into their war, and leaving us holding the bag.

Lady Astor: Japan can't really hurt us, what with not having Astronomy. Although the war weariness may add up eventually.

Churchill: With England to reckon with, Tojo may think twice about attacking our American friends again.

Lady Astor: We'll see.

<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello?

Stalin: We'd be better global citizens if you gave us Theology.

Churchill: Of course, Uncle Joe! Anything for our future allies against fascism, the Russians.

Stalin: Whatever works for you. Goodbye, bourgeois oppressor.

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: While you were talking with Stalin, Wang Kon asked to swap maps. Since his maps are useless, I said no.

Churchill: Good call.

Lady Astor: Our explorers found the Inca, and Stalin just converted to Judaism. Would you like any commentary on that?

Churchill: Definitely not. And now, I need to make a phone call.

<dialing>

De Gaulle: Allo?

Churchill: Charles? It's me, Winston Churchill. Charles, we need to talk.

De Gaulle: We need do no such thing, English!

Churchill: Here's how it is, Charles. I get that you're mad about the War To Preserve England's Island. But that was 850 years ago. You won't open borders, you won't trade with us, and you, among all other nations, have yet to even meet anyone else.

De Gaulle: (snorts) What are these 'other nations' you speak of? Mythologies!

Churchill: (sighs) I wish I didn't have to do this, Charles, but there's a war on, and you're in the way. You can probably see our invasion fleet now. This means war. Goodbye, Charles.

<hangs up>

<ENGLAND declares war on FRANCE>

Churchill: Monty, prepare landing forces for the beaches east and west of Paris, and advance on Toulouse. Under no circumstances can an enemy power - and that is what France is, unfortunately - be permitted to maintain a foothold on our continent.

Lady Astor: Shall we call this the Churchill Doctrine? I like it, but our global trade just plummeted. We really should have waited until Astronomy before making war on France.

Churchill: Fear not; once Paris, Orleans and Lyons fall, we will have an open path to Carthage and beyond, along the former French coasts. And the French also have ample Deer and Clams, which we can use to trade with other nations.

(a mighty force - well, 6 units - lands outside Paris)

Churchill: Report, General Montgomery!

Monty: A French Catapult attacked our invasion force. It caused a little collateral damage to one unit, but our Heavy Footmen defeated it while suffering no losses. And we have commenced bombardment of Paris.

<the phone rings>

Churchill: Could you get that, Lady Astor? I'm not taking any calls at the moment. Monty?

Monty: We have commenced our assault on Paris:

The dreaded amphibious horse troops!

and, victory!

Churchill: That last photo; ouch. What wonders does the fabled city of lights have to offer?

Monty: Not much, Sir Winston

Churchill: I wish I knew why they built an Academy there.

Lady Astor: While you were busy, I turned down map trades with Mao and Roosevelt and refused to give Guilds to Gandhi. We did agree to Open Borders with Stalin, since for some reason you want to be friends with that regicide. By the way, I figured out who he reminds you of:

Churchill: It's uncanny!

Lady Astor: Oh, and this happened:

Churchill: How do you get a dustbowl on a 1-tile ithsmus? Never mind, that's rhetorical.

 

[6K Man]

Monty: Sir Winston, we have located the Dutch City State, but they refuse all communications due to their still-barbaric leadership.

Churchill: Never mind that, how's the war going? The real one, with France, not the Japan or Turkish one.

Monty: The English Expeditionary Force is regrouping and re-equipping in Paris, while our Home forces are nearing Toulouse.

Churchill: Continue reinforcing the army in Paris. Lady Astor?

Lady Astor: Rutherford has been born in York. But our commerce output is still dismal without overseas trade, and we are hemorrhaging cash, Winston.

Churchill: Hmmm. Let me make a call.

<Dialing>

Dido: Hi Winnie! How's your war going with your imaginary friend, Charlie?

Churchill: Hi Dido. How did you know abo- oh, never mind. Would you like us to teach you Music for all your gold and your maps?

Dido: How about Music for 695g?

Winston: I'll take it.

Dido: Wonderful!

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: That botched screenshot is on you, this time.

<phone rings>

Churchill: Oh, hello Hyena. So you're the fellow living south of Mussolini; I figured that you would be Zara Yaqob!

Huayna Capac: I have no idea what you're talking about, but I do hate this Caesar fellow.

Churchill: Oh really? Would you like Alphabet? We have this thing where we give techs to backward, 1-city nations who hate our enemies.

Huayna Capac: We'll take it. Thanks.

<dial tone>

Churchill: So what else is happening?

Lady Astor: Stalin founded a city, and both Ho and Boudica developed Great People.

Monty: And I am gratified to report that our armies just razed Toulouse, Sir Winston.

Churchill: Screenshot, or it didn't happen. (Monty looks downcast) No promotion for you, General Montgomery!

<phone rings>

Caesar: Declare war on the nasty Incans!

Churchill: Shove off, pizza breath! <hangs up, then immediately dials again>

Huayna Capac: Hello?

Churchill: Hi, Hyena. This is Churchill. Listen, would you like Aesthetics?

Huayna Capac: Sure! See you later, pale tubby friend!

<dial tone>

Monty: Sir Winston, I am pleased to report that our Galleass, the Scourge, has defeated a French Trireme. The Great General, the Duke of Wellington, has been born.

Churchill: From a naval engagement? Very well, settle him in Warwick, to train the new recruits there.

Monty: Very good, Sir Winston. I should also add that we have located the Iroquois.

Churchill: Not chatty, are they? Well, they'll eventually be Canada, so keep an eye on them.

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: We have researched Gunpowder, Winston.

Churchill: Gunpowder? What happened to Printing Press?

Lady Astor: We researched Printing Press when you were celebrating the fall of Paris. General Montgomery insisted that it would be best to learn Gunpowder, to build Bombards. We are at war, after all, which trumps our need for Astronomy.

Churchill: And I am still Despot, after all. But, fine. Gunpowder is useful. Astronomy next, though.

Monty: And General Wellesley has founded a soldiering school in Warwick.

Churchill: Somewhere to put you out to pasture, eh, Monty?

<the phone rings>

Mansa Musa: Hello, Churchill.

Churchill: Hello, Mansa! Are you my burden?

Mansa Musa: Am I what now?

Churchill: Nothing, just something Rudyard Kipling mentioned. So, we have this routine where everytime we meet someone new, we give them a two-eras-old technology in exchange for their maps and money. Since you're the biggest tech whore in the game, would you like Alphabet? You can't trade techs without it.

Mansa Musa: (sighing) Sure. Take our maps and 50 gold. Goodbye, Churchill.

Churchill: It's been a pleasure exploiting you, colonial African!

<hangs up>

Churchill: So what's going on, Lady Astor?

Lady Astor: Dido founded two more cities during tea.

Churchill: Cripes, she's really ICSing this thing, isn't she?

Lady Astor: Whatever that means. Hatshepshut also asked us to make war on Vietnam; I told her to push off. And Mansa begged for Currency; I gave it to him. He's inconsequential.

Spoiler :

Boudica founded a city, too, and Gandhi just started a Golden Age.

Churchill: Speaking of the old fakir, how fares our trade expedition to India?

Lady Astor: It's about 50 years from making landfall in Bombay.

Churchill: I hope they weren't carrying perishables. Thank you, Lady Astor. General Montgomery, report!

Monty: Our privateering Admiral Drake and the Jolly Roger are wreaking havoc in Carthaginian waters, Sir Winston.

Spoiler :

Churchill: They'll never guess it was us, will they?

Monty: No, sir. And on the French front, our forces are nearing Orleans, and should be able to lay siege to the city next turn.

Churchill: Excellent. Keep me informed.

Lady Astor: Mansa Musa and "Mussolini" have both founded cities, Sir Winston. And Ho Chi Minh has asked us to make war on Egypt, much as Egypt asked us to make war on Ho just recently. I told him no.

Spoiler :

Churchill: Good call. He can always resort to using the 5 point palm exploding heart technique on Hatty, anyway.

Spoiler :

<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello, Minister of War Churchill speaking.

Huayna Capac: Will you make war on the Romans, Churchill?

Spoiler :

Churchill: You mean the Italians? I won't listen to you unless you call them the Italians, led by the toadlike fascist, Mussolini.

Huayna: Fine, anything! Will you please make war on the Italians?

Churchill: Sorry, too busy! But we'll be back to take care of Italy later. Good luck, Hyena!

<hangs up>

Monty: The battle of Orleans has begun, Sir Winston.

Spoiler :

Victory!

Inside Orleans

We lost a Swordsman in the battle, but defeated 2 Horsemen, 2 Catapults, 2 Archers, a Swordsman and a Spearman.

Churchill: Hurrah! Orleans has a little more infrastructure than Paris-

Lady Astor: But it's still a terrible city in a terrible location. Now we see why the French were so backwards, Winston.

Churchill: And so grumpy. Advance towards Lyons, General Montgomery!

Monty: After our troops rest and heal, Sir Winston. Incidentally, reports from the front indicate that a nation known as the "Dutch" have captured Avignon.

Churchill: The Dutch, eh? I like the sound of them. Opportunistic brutes.

(time passes)

Monty: A vanguard of troops is approaching Lyons, Sir Winston.

Spoiler :

Lady Astor: De Gaulle doesn't seem to to be going down without a fight, Winston. He just founded another city, Bayonne. And Gustav founded a city, too.

Churchill: Bayonne can hardly be more crappy than Orleans.

 

[6K Man]

Lady Astor: We have completed the Harbourmaster quest, Sir Winston!

Spoiler :

Churchill: You're kidding. I never finish these stupid quests. On maps this size, I usually need to do something stupid like build 37 Stables. Anyway. What do we win?

Lady Astor: Either extra speed or extra strength for all our ships, now and henceforth, or an extra 1 per Harbour.

Churchill: Well, that Harbour thing is right out. I may never build another one.

Monty: Sir Winston, the Combat promotion for ships is a bit of a dead end, since the Drill line is preferable to develop Gunnery Control, a staple promotion for warships. I recommend we build for speed; coupled with Drake's circumnavigation bonus, it will give the Royal Navy a huge advantage over rival navies.

Churchill: Huzzah! Let it be so.

Lord Beaverbook: And, even more exciting, Adam Smith has arrived in India to trade shiny beads with the locals!

Churchill: No screenshot?

Lord Beaverbook: (crestfallen) Smith's journey has returned a profit of 4300, Sir Winston.

Churchill: I bet that would have been a great screenshot. Do better, Lord Beaverbook. Lady Astor?

Lady Astor: Gandhi, Ho, and Bismarck-

Churchill: Hoering.

Lady Astor: -have all founded cities. And I traded Alphabet to Gustav for 60g, because it's 1000AD and who cares about Alphabet?

Spoiler :

Churchill: Poor fellow. He's certainly no Ragnar. Now that was a leader!

(time passes)

Lady Astor: Winston, we have discovered Astronomy.

Churchill: Excellent. Our trade routes should improve dramatically. And now I must make a conference call... <dials>

Spoiler :

<hangs up>

Lady Astor: That was quite a round of trading. And I see that you got over your reluctance to trade with "Mussolini", Winston.

Churchill: If he's willing to give me a luxury resource for a food resource, more fool him. Especially a luxury that's +2 with a Forge. With the 21 g we're getting from Dido for Fish that you forgot to get a screenshot for, our per-turn cashflow increases by 42g!

<phone rings>

Churchill: Hello? Is this thing still on?

Caesar: I was wondering, Churchill, if you'd give me Iron for Spices?

Churchill: Why would I do that, you sweaty fascist?

Caesar: You gave Roosevelt Iron for just 5 g/turn.

Churchill: Yes, but I like Roosevelt.

Spoiler :

<hangs up, dials again>

Gandhi: Hello?

Churchill: Hey, Mo. You look like you might already have them, but if not, would you like Crabs for 7 gold?

Spoiler :

Gandhi: You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

Churchill: (sighs heavily) Is that yes?

Gandhi: Yes.

Churchill: Great. Goodbye. <hangs up>

Churchill: Lady Astor? Before I forget, please call up Boudica, Dido and Gandhi and sell our maps for what we can get.

Lady Astor: It is done, Winston. We neetted 1010 gold. Mansa didn't have any money, but wanted to trade maps, instead. I thought you'd want me to tell him to bugger off.

Churchill: (approvingly) Good job.

 

[6K Man]

(time passes)

Lord Beaverbook: I published my first newspaper! Look at what's on Page 3!

Lady Astor: (acidly) The news?

Lord Beaverbook: The what?

Lady Astor: (sighs) Roosevelt has completed the University of Sankore, although god knows why he's building that with the hostile Chinese and Japanese on his doorstep. The Iroquois are in a Golden Age, which means they're finally capable of diplomatic relations. And Mansa asked us to trade maps, but he was cashless.

Churchill: Jolly good. General Montgomery?

Monty: We have commenced probing attacks at Lyons, Sir Winston.

Spoiler :

Lyons has fallen!

Spoiler :

Churchill: It would seem the French defenses are weakening.

Monty: Quite so, Sir Winston. Although we did lose a Knight at 98%. We should have brought more Siege. This is the result of mobile units swanning about and not attacking from a set plan, of course.

Churchill: (shaking his head) Same old Monty. Lady Astor?

Lady Astor: We received these two diplomatic queries in close succession, Winston:

Spoiler :

We declined to act on either request.

Churchill: Declined to help our dear friend Franklin?

Lady Astor: We have no easy way to lend any meaningful help to Roosevelt in his war with China.

Churchill: But that's the best kind of war to be in! Here, give me the phone. <dials>

Roosevelt: Hello, Winston?

Churchill: Yes, Franklin! How are you? Where are you living these days?

Roosevelt: Since the sack of Washington by the Japanese, I've had to relocate to Boston. And it's a ****hole.

Spoiler :

Churchill: Ah, quite, quite. Anyway, would you like to know Gunpowder? Give us whatever cash you have on hand, and it's yours.

Spoiler :

Roosevelt: Thanks, Winston. That's quite nice of you in lieu of actual help. Goodbye.

<dial tone>

Lady Astor: While you were talking with Roosevelt, Winston, I negotiated a deal with Mao.

Spoiler :

Churchill: Nicely done. No reason not to turn a profit off of Mao, it's not like he's Tojo or Mussolini. Speaking of...

<Churchill dials again>

Tokugawa: What do you want, Englishman?

Churchill: We'd do you the favour of making peace with you, Tojo, in exchange for a small tribute and a promise to leave dear Franklin alone.

Tokugawa: <sneers>

Spoiler :

Churchill: Us pay you for peace? Not so fast, Tojo!

Spoiler :

<hangs up>