INES III: Storm Tapestry
- Thread starter Imago
- Start date
Neverwonagame3
Self-Styled Intellectual
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OOC:
Question- why is Socrata white? Shouldn't somebody, probably Iran at this point, control it?
Question- why is Socrata white? Shouldn't somebody, probably Iran at this point, control it?
Shadowbound
Incorrugible
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2007
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- 4,079
It's Chinese!
Julius Gandi
The Foreign Disease
From Egypt
To: The Supreme Leader
As should all men of God this year. We were truly blessed in our victory, and having our most holy land back under the true nations of God is something to celebrate.
To: The Supreme Leader
As should all men of God this year. We were truly blessed in our victory, and having our most holy land back under the true nations of God is something to celebrate.
Neverwonagame3
Self-Styled Intellectual
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2006
- Messages
- 3,549
That gives me an idea for a later story plotline...
The Stage is Set
"What I have done, I have done for my country."- Conde
"Like most human beings, Conde was skilled at rationalising his self-serving actions as moral- perhaps only surpassed by 'Fillion's dog' Nathan."- Johnson, A History of the French Empire
By 8:00 a.m of January the 1st, 2054, both police and revolutionary forces were entrenched throughout the city. Le Pen claimed later that his decision to fortify police stations was an order 'from above' (i.e from Chevenment), but there is no documentary evidence to support this. Although the coup was intended to be an 'open secret' and was illegal, the planned starting date of 9:30 had been covered on national news. Rumors had also spread that Le Pen was intending to join the rebellion, much to his and Chevenment's dismay.
An extended battle between the Emperor's bodyguard and Revolutionary mercenaries had already begun near Versallies- the mercenaries, who had been told they would be paid only if the Emperor called for reinforcements, were using a series of ambushes and psycological tactics rather than finishing off what would normally be easy prey. Chevenment had refused to attend a Cabinet meeting at Versallies to answer for unilaterally evacuating the Emperor (he was formally condemned for it by Conde and Guesde), and was rushing to Paris to take direct command from Le Pen.
Between the three staging points, about 10,000 people had been rallied to support the Revolutionaries- some were there for idealistic reasons and thanks to Jacque's well-written rhethoric, but most had come believing that the clash for the streets would be an easy battle and that there was nothing to worry about. Well aware of the potential danger, Legarde had ordered his core revolutionaries to the front of each march. He had also attempted to issue as many of his 'rioters' as possible with firearms, but despite Conde's best efforts had only managed to arm two thirds- none the less, they were ordered to lend supporting fire to the front lines.
The formal battle begun soon after Le Pen got a threatening 'anonymous' text message. In response, he ordered detachments of police away from their fortifications to attack the front of the mobs head on (Incidentally, one of said detachments would pass a bar in which Napoleon IX was drinking heavily, having begun to realise the sheer extent to which his abdication was a mistake...). The battle had begun...
The Stage is Set
"What I have done, I have done for my country."- Conde
"Like most human beings, Conde was skilled at rationalising his self-serving actions as moral- perhaps only surpassed by 'Fillion's dog' Nathan."- Johnson, A History of the French Empire
By 8:00 a.m of January the 1st, 2054, both police and revolutionary forces were entrenched throughout the city. Le Pen claimed later that his decision to fortify police stations was an order 'from above' (i.e from Chevenment), but there is no documentary evidence to support this. Although the coup was intended to be an 'open secret' and was illegal, the planned starting date of 9:30 had been covered on national news. Rumors had also spread that Le Pen was intending to join the rebellion, much to his and Chevenment's dismay.
An extended battle between the Emperor's bodyguard and Revolutionary mercenaries had already begun near Versallies- the mercenaries, who had been told they would be paid only if the Emperor called for reinforcements, were using a series of ambushes and psycological tactics rather than finishing off what would normally be easy prey. Chevenment had refused to attend a Cabinet meeting at Versallies to answer for unilaterally evacuating the Emperor (he was formally condemned for it by Conde and Guesde), and was rushing to Paris to take direct command from Le Pen.
Between the three staging points, about 10,000 people had been rallied to support the Revolutionaries- some were there for idealistic reasons and thanks to Jacque's well-written rhethoric, but most had come believing that the clash for the streets would be an easy battle and that there was nothing to worry about. Well aware of the potential danger, Legarde had ordered his core revolutionaries to the front of each march. He had also attempted to issue as many of his 'rioters' as possible with firearms, but despite Conde's best efforts had only managed to arm two thirds- none the less, they were ordered to lend supporting fire to the front lines.
The formal battle begun soon after Le Pen got a threatening 'anonymous' text message. In response, he ordered detachments of police away from their fortifications to attack the front of the mobs head on (Incidentally, one of said detachments would pass a bar in which Napoleon IX was drinking heavily, having begun to realise the sheer extent to which his abdication was a mistake...). The battle had begun...
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
Election 2054 Update
Polls in Israel have closed, and Livni has secured the presidency with more than two thirds of the vote, losing only the states of Sinai and Haifa to the Muslim Minority party and Goldberg, respectively. The Knesset also shifted heavily to the Yisrael Beiteinu party, which now occupies 98 of the seats. In his acceptance speech, Livni promised Israel "security against those who oppose us" and promised "a new dawn for all Middle Eastern peoples". Goldberg later conceded victory to Livni, saying that "the people have chosen [Livni], and I applaud his victory with them.
Sharett, meanwhile, personally congratulated Livni for his victory that night. Declaring Livni to be "a new hope for Israel", he has offered to front some of Livni's policies to make the transfer into the new regime flow more smoothly. The first of Livni's propsed bills, an economic act introducing financial reforms and tax cuts, is currently passing through the Knesset.
The Lehi, meanwhile, responded to Livni's victory by attempting to bomb the rally where he accepted his victory. The bomber was quickly apprehended and arrested.
Polls in Israel have closed, and Livni has secured the presidency with more than two thirds of the vote, losing only the states of Sinai and Haifa to the Muslim Minority party and Goldberg, respectively. The Knesset also shifted heavily to the Yisrael Beiteinu party, which now occupies 98 of the seats. In his acceptance speech, Livni promised Israel "security against those who oppose us" and promised "a new dawn for all Middle Eastern peoples". Goldberg later conceded victory to Livni, saying that "the people have chosen [Livni], and I applaud his victory with them.
Sharett, meanwhile, personally congratulated Livni for his victory that night. Declaring Livni to be "a new hope for Israel", he has offered to front some of Livni's policies to make the transfer into the new regime flow more smoothly. The first of Livni's propsed bills, an economic act introducing financial reforms and tax cuts, is currently passing through the Knesset.
The Lehi, meanwhile, responded to Livni's victory by attempting to bomb the rally where he accepted his victory. The bomber was quickly apprehended and arrested.
NWAG, would you do a character list? It would be nice for me to have all your Frenchmen's names and descriptions in one place.
***
Anonymoose also wrote a story, and it was very good despite the fact (and because) it didn't focus on his leaders. And I think that completes the shoutout.
***
5/20 orders in. 13.5 hours until deadline.
***
Anonymoose also wrote a story, and it was very good despite the fact (and because) it didn't focus on his leaders. And I think that completes the shoutout.
***
5/20 orders in. 13.5 hours until deadline.
TheLizardKing
Let's talk Michelle.
It was almost the time dedicated to leaving Russia, the beautiful nation Dúuru Khalif came to love. He admired it's beauty all the while he flew in missions over it, to bomb the cities of the hated Chinander and Injun peoples that dare assault it. He looked over his plane one last time, knowing that it would be the last time he saw it, at least until he was safely at his next posting place. The notorious red stripe down it's side was faded from his constant flights. I better get one of the mechanics to check that out. He bent over, to rub the side of it one last time before he left, when he heard a voice behind him. It's shrillness immediatley gave him an idea as to who it was.
"KHALIF!" the woman screamed. Begone vile Kɔnɔntɔn He turned to face her. It was his Russian lover, Katja Perieckhailivala. How she disgusted him. Ever since he filled her loins with the revolution, by order of the Transforming Rushins into Obedient Liberated Life by the Introduction of New Genes Referendum, she had been a constant menace to him.
"Yes Kɔnɔntɔn Katja Perieckhailivala?" He muttered "What is it that you desire from me?"
"Khalif, I have news that you will consider good!" She exclaimed. He groaned. Her good news, is always his bad news. "Khalif-"
"That is not my primary designation. That is my secondary designation given to me by my first parents. My official designation is that of Dúuru. One I hold with distinction. Khalif represents a part of my life that is shadowy and worthless. Dúuru represents a part of me that has purpose."
"Oh! Okay, sweet Dúuru" She continued "I have managed to aquire a spot upon your transport ship, so we may marry and I may be with you while you're off liberating the world!"
No! "You disgusting whale of a woman. You make me sick. In the name of the Kelen, how did you manage this? Sorcery?"
"No, you are a part of the Infamous Bandits of the Color Red. You may have anything you desire-"
"And I desire for you to move your patheticness out of my way. I have no interest in you. You will only stand to distract me from my purpose."
"No, what you desire is a woman to stand by your side at all times. You cannot fool me into thinking you have a lack of feelings for me. It is widely known by all, that you, Dúuru do in fact, wish for me to be a part of your life until you die."
"You disgust-" he started, but the clank of the intercom was heard, and he immediatley snapped to attention. She giggled. I will handle this disgusting swine later.
This is the final call for the loading of soldiers into the transports designated to them. The Bandits of the Color Red are to board now. Those who board incorrectly are to see the corrections officer immediatley. That is all.
And before Dúuru Khalif could respond, he saw Kɔnɔntɔn Katja walking towards the transports, and his fellow Dúuru waving her in. Why do they find her appealing? She has body like gross old man. The things I'll do for duty. I have no time to argue with her. She will be taken care of later.
With that, he walked to the transport, baring on his shoulders a great sense of shame. She was absolutley disgusting, and her strange Russian habits and dress baffled him.
************************************************************************
The hum of the engine was oddly soothing to him. Until the turbulence and anti-aircraft fire began spraying him. For the glory of USACS, these Injuns are persistant. He tilted his plane, slightly enough for him to look down, and the vast desert of what was Pakistan. Below him, the Iranian army was charging deep into the Injun positions. Brave men, they are, for being Imperialist swine. I much prefer my view from up here.[/b] As if to put a period on his thought, he pressed the firing buttons under his center console, releasing two missiles that promtply shot into a particularly nasty looking Indian bunker. Still, however, more fire brushed his fighter. a large clunck, however, sent his engine sputtering, as his plane began to fall.
Sorry, I am really out of it today. Better story tomorrow. Orders soon.
"KHALIF!" the woman screamed. Begone vile Kɔnɔntɔn He turned to face her. It was his Russian lover, Katja Perieckhailivala. How she disgusted him. Ever since he filled her loins with the revolution, by order of the Transforming Rushins into Obedient Liberated Life by the Introduction of New Genes Referendum, she had been a constant menace to him.
"Yes Kɔnɔntɔn Katja Perieckhailivala?" He muttered "What is it that you desire from me?"
"Khalif, I have news that you will consider good!" She exclaimed. He groaned. Her good news, is always his bad news. "Khalif-"
"That is not my primary designation. That is my secondary designation given to me by my first parents. My official designation is that of Dúuru. One I hold with distinction. Khalif represents a part of my life that is shadowy and worthless. Dúuru represents a part of me that has purpose."
"Oh! Okay, sweet Dúuru" She continued "I have managed to aquire a spot upon your transport ship, so we may marry and I may be with you while you're off liberating the world!"
No! "You disgusting whale of a woman. You make me sick. In the name of the Kelen, how did you manage this? Sorcery?"
"No, you are a part of the Infamous Bandits of the Color Red. You may have anything you desire-"
"And I desire for you to move your patheticness out of my way. I have no interest in you. You will only stand to distract me from my purpose."
"No, what you desire is a woman to stand by your side at all times. You cannot fool me into thinking you have a lack of feelings for me. It is widely known by all, that you, Dúuru do in fact, wish for me to be a part of your life until you die."
"You disgust-" he started, but the clank of the intercom was heard, and he immediatley snapped to attention. She giggled. I will handle this disgusting swine later.
This is the final call for the loading of soldiers into the transports designated to them. The Bandits of the Color Red are to board now. Those who board incorrectly are to see the corrections officer immediatley. That is all.
And before Dúuru Khalif could respond, he saw Kɔnɔntɔn Katja walking towards the transports, and his fellow Dúuru waving her in. Why do they find her appealing? She has body like gross old man. The things I'll do for duty. I have no time to argue with her. She will be taken care of later.
With that, he walked to the transport, baring on his shoulders a great sense of shame. She was absolutley disgusting, and her strange Russian habits and dress baffled him.
Spoiler :
************************************************************************
The hum of the engine was oddly soothing to him. Until the turbulence and anti-aircraft fire began spraying him. For the glory of USACS, these Injuns are persistant. He tilted his plane, slightly enough for him to look down, and the vast desert of what was Pakistan. Below him, the Iranian army was charging deep into the Injun positions. Brave men, they are, for being Imperialist swine. I much prefer my view from up here.[/b] As if to put a period on his thought, he pressed the firing buttons under his center console, releasing two missiles that promtply shot into a particularly nasty looking Indian bunker. Still, however, more fire brushed his fighter. a large clunck, however, sent his engine sputtering, as his plane began to fall.
Sorry, I am really out of it today. Better story tomorrow. Orders soon.
Neverwonagame3
Self-Styled Intellectual
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2006
- Messages
- 3,549
Sorry about that- NES stories are merely amateur fiction, but I was aspiring to get as close to the novelist level as I could (technically I'd go for better if I could get it, but that's pie in the sky...).
EDIT: I was considering starting a B-story about a group of Lisbon-based amateurs who try to build a kingdom by conquering Socrata, an idea reinforced by the fact it isn't about leaders, but looking over my list I suspect Imago may have his hands full already...
EDIT TWO: Question for Imago (and those who want to respond to it)- which style would you prefer, the historical document style or the character-based? Also, what are my FLAWS? I want to know about them so I can correct them! I assume over-complexity is amongst them, but what else?
Dramatis Personae(so far):
(NOTE: Some of the characters are listed by first name, others by surname, some by other. Those listed by both names are given two, ones listed by first name are in italics)
SUMMARY OF DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
The battle for Paris is between the forces of the Republicans ('led' by Chirac, although he is one of four major individuals, and commanded by Legarde) and the Monarchists (led by Chevenment, who is rushing to Paris to take direct command from Le Pen. Le Pen, as Chief of Police, is trying to lose as he's been blackmailed through threats to his family).
1- Republicans:
Chirac- The closest thing to a leader of the Republican movement, although he doesn't always get his way. Has less endurance than the average person, takes a liking to children, and follows a military doctrine of always maximising the amount of intelligence avaliable before making a move. He has handed over command of the battle to Legarde.
Conde- The second most important single Republican, as well as one of the only three Cabinet Ministers with real government influence. Once Prime Minister of France and a moderate, he was sacked by Napoleon IX and gradually lost influence, making him a bitter and anti-monarchist man.
Being amongst other things Minister of War (now a unified department), he has ensured that the allegiances of almost every general to the Monarchist cause are murky at best. He has smuggled considerable supplies to the Republicans, and is manipulating Cabinet Minister Guesde and otherwise doing his best to prevent decsisive action.
Legarde- A long-loyal Republican, and the best strategist amongst the 'old guard' of the movement. He is a skilled Judo user and a harsh disciplinarian, to the point where he tried to secure equipment that would allow for realistic pain in battle simulations. He has ordered his six hundred 'core revolutionaries' to the front of the lines in the battle for Paris.
Jacques Briand- Amongst the top one percent of the world for endurance (both physical and mental), he is the top Republican rhethorician. Another of his extraordinary talents is that he can appear (except to those who know him well) to be perfectly well-rested with ease, no matter how tired he really is.
Nathan- Name unknown to most people, he is simply known as 'Fillion's dog' or worse. Used to be Fillion's anonymous top lieutenant until his fall from grace, but has now joined the Republicans and ascended to the leadership ranks through his effectiveness and supply of intel. Is a skilled bluffer, independent-minded, a master of the 'mysterious man' act if aware of it's limits, and a master of rationalising what 'needs' to be done.
Nikolas Guesde- The son of Guesde, a loyalist but manipulable Cabinet Minister, and a 14 year old boy. Because he hates Castoriadis for manipulating his father, he has given the Republicans as much useful information as he can to maxmise their chances of sucess. The Monarchists are unaware of this.
2- Monarchists:
Napoleon X- The 14 year old ruler of France. Guarded by the best Monarchist troops (under the command of Muller, Chevenment's secretary), he is fleeing Versallies at this time.
Chevenment- In practical terms, the leader of the Monarchist movement. An experienced Cabinet Minister and one of the trumviate holding real power, he is against the Emperors taking too much control of the State but is loyal to his Emperor over France. His enemies have identified this concern for the Emperor as a weakness and incorporated it into their strategy.
Guesde- Technically a Cabinet Minister and one of the three with real power (in a way), the metaphorical wool has been pulled over his eyes so greatly that he is still unaware that the Republicans are a serious threat. Conde and Chevenment compete to manipulate him into supporting their ideas- Conde attempting to undermine the government, Chevenment to preserve it.
Francis Le Pen- Chief of Police and technically a loyal monarchist, he is usually optimistic and good under pressure but is 'cracking' under the strain of what he sees as inevitable defeat. He is a natural at intutition (he was able to read Nathan's mood despite Nathan wearing a fencing mask), but Nathan was sucesfully able to blackmail him into using deliberately horrendous tactics by threatening to kill his family. Nathan knows he might get them out in time, but there is too much of a risk.
Despite this, Le Pen is attempting to compromise his tactics to attempt to have it both ways- to serve his country and be able to argue to the Republicans he kept his side of the deal. To this end, although he allowed police barracades to be sabotaged he erected fortifications to replace them. When Nathan sent him a threatening text message alluding to his earlier threat, he had his police units seperate, leave their fortifications and charge the rebels...
Muller- Chevenment's secretary, and a man who Chevenment has said he would trust with his life. Highly pessimistic about the battle, he is loyal to the end but believes defeat is inevitable.
3- Political Irrelevances:
Napoleon IX- Once ruler of France after the death of Napoleon VIII, he greatly centralised Imperial power by taking the Premiership for himself. Abdicated when his peace treaty with the Incas proved unpopular, but is now realising the implications of his actions and is (circa 8:00 a.m January 1 2054) drinking in a bar in Paris near the battle.
Fillion- Once Minister of War, he was associated with the defeat of Napoleon IX's government and fell from political influence. Whereabouts unknown.
Castoriadis- Once Secretary of the Department of Industry and metaphorical puller of Guesde's strings, was reassigned to the politically irrelevant posistion of Ambassador to the South American Nations. Is slightly relevant in that Nikolai Guesde wants him dead.
Diodore- Was once comissioned by Fillion for a 'special task' which was unspecified in the Incan War. Failed miserably, and is currently a monarchist spy reporting on Republican political rallies.
EDIT: I was considering starting a B-story about a group of Lisbon-based amateurs who try to build a kingdom by conquering Socrata, an idea reinforced by the fact it isn't about leaders, but looking over my list I suspect Imago may have his hands full already...
EDIT TWO: Question for Imago (and those who want to respond to it)- which style would you prefer, the historical document style or the character-based? Also, what are my FLAWS? I want to know about them so I can correct them! I assume over-complexity is amongst them, but what else?
Dramatis Personae(so far):
(NOTE: Some of the characters are listed by first name, others by surname, some by other. Those listed by both names are given two, ones listed by first name are in italics)
SUMMARY OF DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
The battle for Paris is between the forces of the Republicans ('led' by Chirac, although he is one of four major individuals, and commanded by Legarde) and the Monarchists (led by Chevenment, who is rushing to Paris to take direct command from Le Pen. Le Pen, as Chief of Police, is trying to lose as he's been blackmailed through threats to his family).
1- Republicans:
Chirac- The closest thing to a leader of the Republican movement, although he doesn't always get his way. Has less endurance than the average person, takes a liking to children, and follows a military doctrine of always maximising the amount of intelligence avaliable before making a move. He has handed over command of the battle to Legarde.
Conde- The second most important single Republican, as well as one of the only three Cabinet Ministers with real government influence. Once Prime Minister of France and a moderate, he was sacked by Napoleon IX and gradually lost influence, making him a bitter and anti-monarchist man.
Being amongst other things Minister of War (now a unified department), he has ensured that the allegiances of almost every general to the Monarchist cause are murky at best. He has smuggled considerable supplies to the Republicans, and is manipulating Cabinet Minister Guesde and otherwise doing his best to prevent decsisive action.
Legarde- A long-loyal Republican, and the best strategist amongst the 'old guard' of the movement. He is a skilled Judo user and a harsh disciplinarian, to the point where he tried to secure equipment that would allow for realistic pain in battle simulations. He has ordered his six hundred 'core revolutionaries' to the front of the lines in the battle for Paris.
Jacques Briand- Amongst the top one percent of the world for endurance (both physical and mental), he is the top Republican rhethorician. Another of his extraordinary talents is that he can appear (except to those who know him well) to be perfectly well-rested with ease, no matter how tired he really is.
Nathan- Name unknown to most people, he is simply known as 'Fillion's dog' or worse. Used to be Fillion's anonymous top lieutenant until his fall from grace, but has now joined the Republicans and ascended to the leadership ranks through his effectiveness and supply of intel. Is a skilled bluffer, independent-minded, a master of the 'mysterious man' act if aware of it's limits, and a master of rationalising what 'needs' to be done.
Nikolas Guesde- The son of Guesde, a loyalist but manipulable Cabinet Minister, and a 14 year old boy. Because he hates Castoriadis for manipulating his father, he has given the Republicans as much useful information as he can to maxmise their chances of sucess. The Monarchists are unaware of this.
2- Monarchists:
Napoleon X- The 14 year old ruler of France. Guarded by the best Monarchist troops (under the command of Muller, Chevenment's secretary), he is fleeing Versallies at this time.
Chevenment- In practical terms, the leader of the Monarchist movement. An experienced Cabinet Minister and one of the trumviate holding real power, he is against the Emperors taking too much control of the State but is loyal to his Emperor over France. His enemies have identified this concern for the Emperor as a weakness and incorporated it into their strategy.
Guesde- Technically a Cabinet Minister and one of the three with real power (in a way), the metaphorical wool has been pulled over his eyes so greatly that he is still unaware that the Republicans are a serious threat. Conde and Chevenment compete to manipulate him into supporting their ideas- Conde attempting to undermine the government, Chevenment to preserve it.
Francis Le Pen- Chief of Police and technically a loyal monarchist, he is usually optimistic and good under pressure but is 'cracking' under the strain of what he sees as inevitable defeat. He is a natural at intutition (he was able to read Nathan's mood despite Nathan wearing a fencing mask), but Nathan was sucesfully able to blackmail him into using deliberately horrendous tactics by threatening to kill his family. Nathan knows he might get them out in time, but there is too much of a risk.
Despite this, Le Pen is attempting to compromise his tactics to attempt to have it both ways- to serve his country and be able to argue to the Republicans he kept his side of the deal. To this end, although he allowed police barracades to be sabotaged he erected fortifications to replace them. When Nathan sent him a threatening text message alluding to his earlier threat, he had his police units seperate, leave their fortifications and charge the rebels...
Muller- Chevenment's secretary, and a man who Chevenment has said he would trust with his life. Highly pessimistic about the battle, he is loyal to the end but believes defeat is inevitable.
3- Political Irrelevances:
Napoleon IX- Once ruler of France after the death of Napoleon VIII, he greatly centralised Imperial power by taking the Premiership for himself. Abdicated when his peace treaty with the Incas proved unpopular, but is now realising the implications of his actions and is (circa 8:00 a.m January 1 2054) drinking in a bar in Paris near the battle.
Fillion- Once Minister of War, he was associated with the defeat of Napoleon IX's government and fell from political influence. Whereabouts unknown.
Castoriadis- Once Secretary of the Department of Industry and metaphorical puller of Guesde's strings, was reassigned to the politically irrelevant posistion of Ambassador to the South American Nations. Is slightly relevant in that Nikolai Guesde wants him dead.
Diodore- Was once comissioned by Fillion for a 'special task' which was unspecified in the Incan War. Failed miserably, and is currently a monarchist spy reporting on Republican political rallies.
Thanks for the bios, NWAG!
All other things being equal, I think I'm in favor of stories that are in between, where characters comment on important world events. But really, when it comes to writing, the most interesting ideas, whatever they might be, are usually the ones to go with.
Honestly, your stories are shaping up very well, so any advice I could give would probably serve to bring you more in line with my style than advance your own. But one of my favourite rules of writing is as follows-
Don’t be afraid of short paragraphs. Don’t be afraid of short sentences.
They add dramatic flair.
EDIT:
That was diplo.
All other things being equal, I think I'm in favor of stories that are in between, where characters comment on important world events. But really, when it comes to writing, the most interesting ideas, whatever they might be, are usually the ones to go with.
Honestly, your stories are shaping up very well, so any advice I could give would probably serve to bring you more in line with my style than advance your own. But one of my favourite rules of writing is as follows-
Don’t be afraid of short paragraphs. Don’t be afraid of short sentences.
They add dramatic flair.
EDIT:
That was diplo.
Raul nervously rasped on the large wooden door leading to El Jefe's office. The thin, mousy man waiting, fidgeting, for El Jefe to acknowledge his knock. After a few moments with no response he cautiously opened the door and gasped in semi-surprise as he walked in on El Jefe, yet again, having sex with another secretary. He quickly changed his gaze down to the floor in embarrassment as he cleared his throat, making himself known.
El Jefe, seated in his giant office chair, Cuban cigar clenched in his mouth, glanced around the attractive young woman in his lap and smiled big at his aid's beat red face. "Raul! Came to watch, eh?" He laughed as he pushed the woman aside, stood up, and buttoned up his pants. The woman, panting with a look of pleasure and embarrassment on her face quickly put her panties and skirt back on and slipped out of the room, closing the door on her way out, while shooting a quick smile back at the president.
"Erm, no, Mr. Presidente-" Raul started, but was soon cut off by El Jefe.
"Jefe." the president corrected as he finished buckling his belt.
"Uh, yes, sorry, sir. Anyways...Jefe...I come with some bad news. It seems the recent polls show your popularity at just around fifty percent, sir." Raul stammered, still keeping his gaze at the ground.
El Jefe stood up and walked to his window, overlooking Mexico City's Isabella Plaza. He stared out across the plaza, at the various people going about their daily lives. He slowly turned around, the same happy grin still spread across his face, the cigar still held tightly in the corner of his mouth. "Well, we must fix this, no?" he asked, matter-of-factly.
Now Raul finally looked up to face his president. He nodded quickly. "Si, Mr. Presi - Jefe," he corrected himself before El Jefe could, "but how, sir?" He asked, panicked.
El Jefe shrugged, as he walked back across the room to face his aid. "If the people cannot decide for themselves to support me, then I will just have to make them decide to." He kept that same, wide, almost manic smile. His eyes glinted mischievously. Then he waved his hand. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Raul. Now please, leave me in peace while I contemplate just what to do."
And with that, Raul scurried off away from his boss' office, deeply afraid.
El Jefe, seated in his giant office chair, Cuban cigar clenched in his mouth, glanced around the attractive young woman in his lap and smiled big at his aid's beat red face. "Raul! Came to watch, eh?" He laughed as he pushed the woman aside, stood up, and buttoned up his pants. The woman, panting with a look of pleasure and embarrassment on her face quickly put her panties and skirt back on and slipped out of the room, closing the door on her way out, while shooting a quick smile back at the president.
"Erm, no, Mr. Presidente-" Raul started, but was soon cut off by El Jefe.
"Jefe." the president corrected as he finished buckling his belt.
"Uh, yes, sorry, sir. Anyways...Jefe...I come with some bad news. It seems the recent polls show your popularity at just around fifty percent, sir." Raul stammered, still keeping his gaze at the ground.
El Jefe stood up and walked to his window, overlooking Mexico City's Isabella Plaza. He stared out across the plaza, at the various people going about their daily lives. He slowly turned around, the same happy grin still spread across his face, the cigar still held tightly in the corner of his mouth. "Well, we must fix this, no?" he asked, matter-of-factly.
Now Raul finally looked up to face his president. He nodded quickly. "Si, Mr. Presi - Jefe," he corrected himself before El Jefe could, "but how, sir?" He asked, panicked.
El Jefe shrugged, as he walked back across the room to face his aid. "If the people cannot decide for themselves to support me, then I will just have to make them decide to." He kept that same, wide, almost manic smile. His eyes glinted mischievously. Then he waved his hand. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Raul. Now please, leave me in peace while I contemplate just what to do."
And with that, Raul scurried off away from his boss' office, deeply afraid.
Lord of Elves
Suede-Denim Secret Police
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2009
- Messages
- 6,976
Second Japanese Empire's orders sent.
Neverwonagame3
Self-Styled Intellectual
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2006
- Messages
- 3,549
I was getting worried there- if I get too complex for you, Imago, feel free to say so. Until told otherwise, however, I'll keep going based on the advice given.
An Internet Debate
OOC: Setting up character's for my possible next idea, the Lisbon Expedition, plus commenting on world events.
(TotallyNotMuller has logged on)
(KamakazieRed has logged on)
KamakazieRed- Seen the news lately? It seems China's a dead duck.
TotallyNotMuller- u gt new autotyper? nfty.
KamakazieRed- Yes, I have got a new auto-typer. Do you mind typing in full sentences, please? I can wait.
TotallyNotMuller- This is slow and annoying.
KamakazieRed- Please?
TotallyNotMuller- O.K.
(IranDieDieDie has logged in)
Kamakazie Red- Fred, is that you?
IranDieDieDie- Yeah, I figured I needed a switch.
TotallyNotMuller- Stupid fast typing.
Kamakazie Red- I think I know what you want to talk about.
IranDieDieDie- Yeah, it's a damn outrage! Why are the Iranians allowed to just GET AWAY WITH THINGS LIKE THIS!
Kamakazie Red- Calm down, IranDieDieDie. The Order of Mecca were an occupying army.
TotallyNotMuller- No they weren't.
IranDieDieDie- They were not! They'd been there for hundreds of years! Iran's taken down one power, now it's after another! Soon they'll TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Kamakazie Red- They are in no posistion to become a world hegemon just yet. Only USAC's aid has gotten them this far, and even then India's trading blows with them.
IranDieDieDie- Yeah, but at this rate India's gonna LOSE. Then what- Israel? Egypt? Maybe Greece, which is WHERE I DAMN WELL LIVE!
TotallyNotMuller- Since six months ago.
Kamakazie Red- My point is that it's too early to come to conclusions. Iran and Egypt combined barely make up a single power block- then there's LIARS and the United Americas they have to deal with. LIARS outflanks Iran to the north and Egypt to the south and has naval supremacy- they can't beat them.
IranDieDieDie- And the NEU, I guess.
Kamakazie Red- No, they're just a joke.
TotallyNotMuller- Says the Frenchman.
Kamakazie Red- Well I'd know, wouldn't I.
An Internet Debate
OOC: Setting up character's for my possible next idea, the Lisbon Expedition, plus commenting on world events.
(TotallyNotMuller has logged on)
(KamakazieRed has logged on)
KamakazieRed- Seen the news lately? It seems China's a dead duck.
TotallyNotMuller- u gt new autotyper? nfty.
KamakazieRed- Yes, I have got a new auto-typer. Do you mind typing in full sentences, please? I can wait.
TotallyNotMuller- This is slow and annoying.
KamakazieRed- Please?
TotallyNotMuller- O.K.
(IranDieDieDie has logged in)
Kamakazie Red- Fred, is that you?
IranDieDieDie- Yeah, I figured I needed a switch.
TotallyNotMuller- Stupid fast typing.
Kamakazie Red- I think I know what you want to talk about.
IranDieDieDie- Yeah, it's a damn outrage! Why are the Iranians allowed to just GET AWAY WITH THINGS LIKE THIS!
Kamakazie Red- Calm down, IranDieDieDie. The Order of Mecca were an occupying army.
TotallyNotMuller- No they weren't.
IranDieDieDie- They were not! They'd been there for hundreds of years! Iran's taken down one power, now it's after another! Soon they'll TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Kamakazie Red- They are in no posistion to become a world hegemon just yet. Only USAC's aid has gotten them this far, and even then India's trading blows with them.
IranDieDieDie- Yeah, but at this rate India's gonna LOSE. Then what- Israel? Egypt? Maybe Greece, which is WHERE I DAMN WELL LIVE!
TotallyNotMuller- Since six months ago.
Kamakazie Red- My point is that it's too early to come to conclusions. Iran and Egypt combined barely make up a single power block- then there's LIARS and the United Americas they have to deal with. LIARS outflanks Iran to the north and Egypt to the south and has naval supremacy- they can't beat them.
IranDieDieDie- And the NEU, I guess.
Kamakazie Red- No, they're just a joke.
TotallyNotMuller- Says the Frenchman.
Kamakazie Red- Well I'd know, wouldn't I.
Eltain
Deity
Siamese orders sent.
Treaty of Richmond
-The Nation of Canada will cease to exist
-The territory of Canada will be divided as follows in the map
-The Atlantic Kingdom and the Commonwealth will allow Texas to annex some land for their service
-The CF will be provided 2 ASP for their service
-The soldiers of Canada will be allowed to return to their homes in the Atlantic Kingdom's new Canadian dominions, but before they will, they will be searched, and all fire arms, explosives, and other such items deemed treasonous or disruptive will be seized before they enter the Atlantic Kingdom's territory
Signed Queen Victoria I The Atlantic Kingdom
-The Nation of Canada will cease to exist
-The territory of Canada will be divided as follows in the map
-The Atlantic Kingdom and the Commonwealth will allow Texas to annex some land for their service
-The CF will be provided 2 ASP for their service
-The soldiers of Canada will be allowed to return to their homes in the Atlantic Kingdom's new Canadian dominions, but before they will, they will be searched, and all fire arms, explosives, and other such items deemed treasonous or disruptive will be seized before they enter the Atlantic Kingdom's territory
Signed Queen Victoria I The Atlantic Kingdom
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