“Philip Morris Really, Really Sucks,” Says Philip Morris
For years, one lawsuit after another have forced Altria Group, Inc., and its daughter company Philip Morris, one of the world’s largest tobacco corporations, to publically recognize the health dangers of smoking and to actively stamp out smoking from the lives of Americans through various campaigns and commercials.
This past Monday, the U.S. Department of Justice won yet another lawsuit against the corporation. According to the ruling, Philip Morris must now publically recognize the fact it “really, really sucks.” An employee, board member, or shareholder of the company will be fined $50,000 any time he/she says a sentence about the company that does not include recognition of how much it sucks.
Hours after the ruling, in yesterday’s press release, Philip Morris USA (the American chapter of the company) says, “Please do not buy any of our products. We urge you not to. We beg you not to. They will kill you. They suck. We suck. We really, really suck.”
In a new commercial, a woman is happily rock climbing as she takes a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. She begins to smoke one, then starts coughing. This distraction causes her to fall 1200 feet, her brains splattering when she lands, as the words flash across the screen:
Philip Morris. Boy, do we suck.
At a press conference in New York City, where the corporation is headquartered, Louis C. Camilleri, the CEO of Altria, admitted, “I am the most evil man alive.” Alberto Gonzales, the U.S. Attorney General, reportedly stared at him gruffly as he said this until Camilleri finally stammered, “Okay, fine, I am the most evil man in
history. I am worse than Hitler.” Everyone in the room not affiliated with Philip Morris roared in applause. The look on people’s faces, however, reportedly grew more confused when, after being asked if he would resign, Camilleri said, “Hell no.”
Some suspect the government’s actions against Philip Morris are being taken too far. After he heard the ruling, Harry Blett, an official of the U.S. Department of Commerce, said, “The tobacco industry is a large part of our economy, and legally forcing it to lampoon itself is not in anyone’s interest.”
“Bull crap,” says Julie Vesquez, a concerned mother of four. “My father died of lung cancer, and I’m not going to let it happen to my kids. It’s about time these damn tobacco companies admit the truth. Any time Philip Morris says they ‘really, really suck,’ I will simply cringe at the fact that there aren’t enough ‘really’s in there.”
However, some experts, such as Georgetown professor of law and economics Yester Thyme, are quick to point out the American government’s logical inconsistency in such rulings. “If tobacco is really so bad, why don’t we just make it illegal? Letting Philip Morris sell their product while forcing them to condemn the product and condemn themselves does not strike me as making sense. But, of course, the tobacco industry is too powerful, and the government makes too much money from tobacco taxes, for either of them to let tobacco become illegal. So we’re left with this middle-of-the road garbage. It’s despicable.”
“Nonsense,” says Victor Goldstein, vice president of Philip Morris USA. “The only thing that’s despicable is how much we suck.”
Nice willj.
