Jokes......

Knight-Dragon

Knight-Dragon

Unhidden Dragon
Retired Moderator
Joined
Jun 25, 2001
Messages
19,961
Location
Singapore
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Back in the olden days, a man was travelling by foot through Switzerland. Nightfall was approaching, and the man had no where to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. So the man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter (you knew this was coming?) came downstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?

"That's some fellow just travelling through," said the farmer. "He
needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep
in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Um, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.
The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."
She went to the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. An hour later she returned. Her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband
why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the
farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our
daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him
to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then
went out to the barn. She didn't return for over an hour, and when she did, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm and walked toward the mountain. A while later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She went to her father and said "Where's the man from the barn?"


Father answered, "He left several minutes ago."
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good-bye? After all we
had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran into the yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter." The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,.......

ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO..
 
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the
occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".

"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.

"A double whisky and coke, *****, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!"
demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word.

"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".

"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.

"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, *****, I can't wait all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two
enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"
 
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
 
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various city councils and public housing authorities throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the works foreman down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
 
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
Originally posted by napoleon526
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Click to expand...
Sorry, but I kind of miss the point of the joke. :D Can explain? I think it's supposed to be funny about the 'pun in ten' part but I just don't get it. :crazyeye:
 
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in
Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker, then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
 
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.
”The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you
know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes,tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chickenwings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, *******?!!"
 
Originally posted by Knight-Dragon
Sorry, but I kind of miss the point of the joke. :D Can explain? I think it's supposed to be funny about the 'pun in ten' part but I just don't get it. :crazyeye:
Click to expand...

Whenever someone makes a pun they don't intend, they'll say "no pun intended", which sounds like "no pun in ten did" when spoken. :D


Sorry Napoleon, I don't mean to steal your thunder. :king:
 
Originally posted by duke o' york
And KD, you know a scary number of vomit-inducing pet names! What the hell does "loolie loolie" mean? :vomit:
Click to expand...
It was a couple of jokes dropped into my email. Thought it was quite funny and I'd share it with all you guys. :) Yeah, boring day at work.....

You didn't think I actually wrote all that now, did you? :p
 
At an International GArbage conference, the speaker is talking about the grave dangers of dumping garbage from the Developed countries into the developing countries. At the back, he sees the Chinese delegate laughing.

Later, he asks the delegate what China does with the garbage the US dumps into them.The Chinaman stifles a laugh and replies, "Where do you think your "cheap imports" come from?":lol:
 
"I went into a restaurant the other day. There was a sign on the
restroom door that said, 'Wet Floor'. So I did."
 
A fortyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
 
May be a bit offensive to some people....

Paddy and Paddy, two <insert nationality>, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when
Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. "

I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den
we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy
stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK
ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
 
A pigeon is shot dead at the German-Austrian border (or US-Canadian, or any border). It lands directly on the border line, its head on the German side, its behind on the Austrian. A German and an Austrian soldier run to it and quarrel whom this pigeon should belong to.

Finally, they settle down and talk to each other.
German Soldier: "How about this: Each one kicks into the other's soft parts (you know what...), and whoever manages to stand longer gets the pigeon.
Austrian Soldier: "OK, sounds fair to me."

They flip a coin to decide who starts. The German soldier wins, and he kicks so hard into the Austrian's balls that the Austrian bends down, vomits, gets bellyache, finally falls down, barely being able to move like a worm.
After five minutes, he manages to stand up.

Austrian Soldier: "OK, it's my turn now."
German Soldier: "You know what, I don't really want that pigeon."
 
Originally posted by Stefan Haertel
A pigeon is shot dead at the German-Austrian border (or US-Canadian, or any border). It lands directly on the border line, its head on the German side, its behind on the Austrian. A German and an Austrian soldier run to it and quarrel whom this pigeon should belong to.

Finally, they settle down and talk to each other.
German Soldier: "How about this: Each one kicks into the other's soft parts (you know what...), and whoever manages to stand longer gets the pigeon.
Austrian Soldier: "OK, sounds fair to me."

They flip a coin to decide who starts. The German soldier wins, and he kicks so hard into the Austrian's balls that the Austrian bends down, vomits, gets bellyache, finally falls down, barely being able to move like a worm.
After five minutes, he manages to stand up.

Austrian Soldier: "OK, it's my turn now."
German Soldier: "You know what, I don't really want that pigeon."
Click to expand...

THat's a slight variation on an Indian-Paki joke, but with similar results. No prizes for guessing who get the bird:lol::lol:
 
A German scientist, for whatever reason, has rented a camel and rides through the Nefu (Nefu=desert in Saudi Arabia, go watch Lawrence of Arabia!). After riding for weeks and weeks out alone, he finally sighs and thinks "Boy, I do need a woman!". Some nights pass and after he can't really satisfy himself anymore, he decides to try it with the camel. So, he gets behind the camel, but exactly the moment the game would begin, the camel runs away. He catches it after a while, and tries again, but the camel runs away again. Discouraged, he gives up after a great number of attempts, and rides on.
After a while, he meets a Bedouin caravan. The Bedouins have taken captive a young lady which unites all the beauty of the orient. The scientist, a man of honour, takes out his scimitar, fights and kills a number of Bedouins, the rest run away in terror, leaving the lady, whose clothes have ripped in the course of the fight, showing much sweet skin, with the man.
Full of joy, the lady now comes to our scientist, and says, "You have aquired my ever-lasting gratefulness, and to show it to you, I will grant you any wish, whichever it may be." Saying this, she already comes very close to the scientist.
The scientist replies, "Could you hold the camel for a while?"
 
A murderer dies. He comes to a wonderful beach with soft, light blue water, a blazing tropical sun, wonderful music, many beautiful (and willing!) girls, etc. etc.
He thinks to himself, "shouldn't I be in hell?"
Behind a bar, he sees the devil, goes to him and asks, "hey man, shouldn't I be in hell?"
Passing the murderer a sweet cocktail, the devil replies, "Why, you are!"
The murderer replies, "Well, what about eternal suffer and pain, flames, cooking and so on?"
The devil sighs, rolls his eyes, passes the murderer a telescope, and points to a cave far in the distance. The murderer looks at it, and sees a place where a number of damned people are screaming in a large pot with boiling water, while demons whip them all the time.
The murderer lowers the telescope, and turns to the devil. Pointing to the cave, he asks, "What's that?"
The devil replies, "those are the catholics, they wanted it that way!"
 
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice,
picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was
a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to
feed my alligators!"
 
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