GenghisK
...
How has Captain Hook died? (No he wasn't killed by Peter Pan)
Scratching his bul***... Mmm sorry, not that clean...
Scratching his bul***... Mmm sorry, not that clean...
Jokes......
- Thread starter Knight-Dragon
- Start date
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history....
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history....
I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall, "Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."
And the stranger said, "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said, "Well, just like you I am driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."
And the stranger said, "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said, "Well, just like you I am driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"
Traffic in Chicago
Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."
He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M. Daley, what's the problem, what's holding everything up."
The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair and his illegitimate child, that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan Expressway and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity and doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment. The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the Reverend Jackson so far?"
"About 300 gallons," said the trooper, "but they are still siphoning"
Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."
He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M. Daley, what's the problem, what's holding everything up."
The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair and his illegitimate child, that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan Expressway and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity and doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment. The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the Reverend Jackson so far?"
"About 300 gallons," said the trooper, "but they are still siphoning"
Sodapop
Teh pop in teh can
I think I got that one like 10 times through e-mails... Seems like a regional stuff, or things only quebecers can do 
Sodapop
Teh pop in teh can
I think it didn't happen, or at least I hope so... The original in french is better though, but you can't have everything 
But I think it didn't happen... That person would have kept his mouth shut, or he must be really embarassed when he sees this...
But I think it didn't happen... That person would have kept his mouth shut, or he must be really embarassed when he sees this...
I just picked this up in my email; don't shoot the messenger. But considering the prevalence of handphones nowadays, I wouldn't be too surprised.Originally posted by PaleHorse76
edit: nevermind, I see the post above me now.I don't know how someone could have ade that up, it must have happened at one time.
The whackier thing are those hands-free sets. I've seen people walking around or standing (or whatever) talking into the air, to nobody. Thought they must be nuts until I see the wiring connected to some hidden handphone.
This, fr personal experience.
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in
the ladies room.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in
the ladies room.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked: "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother."
The boy asked: "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother."
Save the best for last. <shrugs>
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2001
- Messages
- 3,136
Jeez...... great jokes K-D. I liked the one about the bathroom the best as I've already heard the last two.
starlifter
Deity
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2001
- Messages
- 4,210
LOL, good jokes K-D... I think the elevator one was posted last year sometime, but still funny.
by Stephan H.:
by K-D:
If you ever visit Saudi Arabia, even the public malls in Dharan, Riyadh, etc. fir this description.... you squat over a hole in the floor, and a metal hose hangs down from an overhead water container that you are expected to use to rinse off your left hand. Never shake with your left hand. Now you know why it is so insulting to hack off the right hand of theives at the Friday Noon choppings in major cities. It leaves Arabs with only the "unclean" hand to do the dirty as well as eat their food. Sorry, but this is no joke. I won't even explain about Bedouin sanitary practices (when they are in the Desert, that is). Aarghhh!
So I guess one culture's joke is another culture's semi-religious duty .......
by Stephan H.:
A good one for my Catholic friends, hehe.
by K-D:
If you ever visit Saudi Arabia, even the public malls in Dharan, Riyadh, etc. fir this description.... you squat over a hole in the floor, and a metal hose hangs down from an overhead water container that you are expected to use to rinse off your left hand. Never shake with your left hand. Now you know why it is so insulting to hack off the right hand of theives at the Friday Noon choppings in major cities. It leaves Arabs with only the "unclean" hand to do the dirty as well as eat their food. Sorry, but this is no joke. I won't even explain about Bedouin sanitary practices (when they are in the Desert, that is). Aarghhh!
So I guess one culture's joke is another culture's semi-religious duty
.......
A bit old but still amusing......
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
It's World Cup season....
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old
soccer players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose but we act together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a ****-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb *******' is it?' Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old
soccer players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose but we act together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a ****-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb *******' is it?' Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
K-Man
Warlord
A trucker pulls into a truck stop for supper. He orders a burger, coffee, and a piece of pie for dessert. Moments after his food arrives, three bikers walk into the truck stop. One of them eats his burger, one of them gulps down his coffee, and the third guy gobbles down the pie.
The truck driver doesn't say anything. He waits until they are done, grabs his jacket, goes over and pays for his meal and leaves. After he is gone, the bikers start chuckling to themselves, and one of them says "Not much of a man, now is he!"
The waiter then said to them "He's not much of a driver either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!!!"
The truck driver doesn't say anything. He waits until they are done, grabs his jacket, goes over and pays for his meal and leaves. After he is gone, the bikers start chuckling to themselves, and one of them says "Not much of a man, now is he!"
The waiter then said to them "He's not much of a driver either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!!!"
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the
phone."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the
phone."
DINNER CONVERSATION
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: ****......
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: ****......
I don't understand this one......
What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
The bad marksman shoots but can't hit.
The owl...
What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
The bad marksman shoots but can't hit.
The owl...
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