Nation Jokes

[Dann]

Hoo boy. You people are gonna rue the day you opened this can of worms....

Here's mine:

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese guy were lost in the desert.
They came across an ancient Arabian lamp, the genie kind.
They rub it, and out pops a genie: " Thank you for freeing me. I shall now grant you each 3 wishes!"

The American immediately shouts: "Me first! Me first! I want lots of money!"
Poof! Lots of money.
"2nd wish, more money!"
Poof! Even more money.
"3rd wish, send me home to New York!"
Poof! He disappears with his money.

The Frenchman goes next: "I want beautiful women!"
Poof! Lots of pretty girls.
"2nd wish, more beautiful women!"
Poof! Even more pretty girls.
"3rd wish, send me home to Paris!"
Poof! he disappears with all the girls.

Finally, the Chinese man says: "Give me a bottle of Wuliangye. (famous and very strong Chinese rice wine)"
Poof! 1 bottle of wine.
Glug...glug...glug..."2nd wish, another bottle of Wuliangye!"
Poof! Another bottle of the same stuff.
Glug...glug...glug..."3rd wish, it's quite lonely now without those other two guys, can you bring them back?"

 

[Dann]

So they're back where they started. Soon they find another lamp.
They rub it, and another genie comes out.
The genie says: "I'm not as powerful as my bro. I can only grant you each 1 wish."

The American and the Frenchman decide to let the Chinese guy go first this time, so as not to repeat the previous disaster.

The Chinese guy says: "I've already had enough wine. You can go away now."

 

[Dann]

And here's a military one:

A French, British, and American general were relaxing during a NATO exercise and bragging about the courage of the average infantryman of each nation.

To prove his point, the French general stopped a passing French private: "You! Climb to the top of that flagpole and jump!"

"Sir! Yes! Sir!" Poor guy climbs to the top, jumps, suffers broken bones.

Not to be outdone, the British general also stopped a passing British private: "You! Climb up that 6-storey building and jump from the window!"

"Sir! Yes! Sir!" Poor guy climbs, jumps, and is sent to the hospital with a 50-50 chance of survival.

Finally the American general stops a passing US Army private: 'You! Climb to the top of that water tower and jump!"

The private replied, while still standing at ramrod attention: "Hell no way Sir! You must be freaking out of your mind! Sir!"

The American general then says to his counterparts: "Now THAT's courage!"

 

[toh6wy]

I saw this on a t-shirt once...

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the lovers are French, the car mechanics are German and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the lovers are Swiss, the car mechanics are French and everything is organized by the Italians.

 

[Dann]

At a beauty contest, the finalists were asked the same question: "You were the only survivor in a shipwreck. You floated to this island that has no other inhabitants except a company of marines who were stranded there earlier. What would you do?'

Miss USA answered: "I'd hide!"

Miss UK: "I'd seek the protection of their commanding officer."

Miss Germany: "Nuffing. If zey'r marines, zey'd be out drilling der whole day, so dey'd be too tired at night to bother me."

Miss France: "I understand ze question. But wat seems to be ze problem?"

 

[The Person]

First some praise for the jokes to come before mine:



And now a joke:
A Norwegian, a Dane, and a Swede are going on a trip through the Sahara. The Norwegian takes food with him. The Dane takes water with him. And the Swede takes a car door, so he can open it when it gets too cold.

 

[The Person]

Fifty-one Norwegians and fifty Swedes have chartered a trip to Gran Canaria. Sadly, they didn't have enough money to charter a plane with a floor, so they all had to hang by their hands from hooks on the ceiling.
When they're over the Alps, the pilot says: "We've not enough fuel to make it to our destination. One of you will have to jump out."
When the Norwegians hear that, they decide that one of them will have to make the jump, since they're one more than the Swedes. When the Swedes hear that they all begin to clap their hands in joy...

 

[Paasky]

Originally posted by The Person
...... When the Norwegians hear that, they decide that one of them will have to make the jump, since they're one more than the Swedes. When the Swedes hear that they all begin to clap their hands in joy...[/size][/font]

We've got 1 thing in common, we both 'hate' the swedes

A Finn, Swede and Norweigan compete in who can be the longest in a skunks cave.

First goes the Norweigan. He comes running out after 10mins.
Next goes the Finn. He stays inside for 30mins before running out pucking.
Last goes the Swede. After a few minutes, the skunk comes running out, and he says: I can't stand that smell!

 

[Paasky]

A Finn and a Swede had a competition who could bear most pain.

First the Finn kicked the Swede into his genitals with all his might.
The Swede fell on the floor with his face green and started to... shout. After 10 minutes his voice had gone and he was wimpering. After another ten minutes, the Swede started to rise. When he had the risen, the Finn said: I give up, you win.

 

[sausnebb]

In memory of Christoffer Schau's great Dutch comedian:


He he ik zing eigenlijk het liefst in het Nederlands, weet U.
(Vel vel, jeg synger egentlig helst på nederlandsk, vet du.)

Kijk eens, tenslotte wonen we in Nederland.
(Se her, tross alt bor vi i Nederland.)

En waarom zou je de mensen dan Frans en Engels voorzetten, nietwaar?
(Og hvorfor skulle man da servere folk fransk eller engelsk, ikke sant?)

Kijk eens, in een restaurant vind ik dat wat anders.
(Vel, i en restaurant synes jeg det er noe annet.)

Een goed menu moet eigenlijk in het Frans zijn, want dan smaakt het ook lekkerder.
(En god meny må egentlig være på fransk, for da smaker det også mye bedre.)

Als je nou leest op een menu in het Hollands gewoon kalfsborst,
(Hvis du nå leser på en meny på vanlig hollandsk, kalvebryst,)

dan denk je bij jezelf, nou, kalfsborst, nietwaar
(da tenker du ved deg selv, vel, kalvebryst, ikke sant)

aar staat er nou "buste de veau"
(Men står det nå ”buste de veau”)

Tja, dan neem je het, hè.
(Tja, da tar du det, ikke sant.)

 

[nonconformist]

An englisman, a frenchman, a texan and a mexican are in an aircraft. The pilot says
-we do not have enough fukel. Three of you will have to jump out bravely.
The englishman strides up to the door, yells
-long live the queen!
and jumps.
The frenchman strides up to the door and yells
-vive la france!
and jumps.
The texan strides up to the door, yells
-remember the alamo
grabs the mexican, and hurls him through the door.

BTW" I'm half french, so don't take offence.

 

[Darth_Pugwash]

No offense meant.

Google - french military victories

 

[Plexus]

Ah, but now that site is outdated. Google has updated its interface.

 

[Gengis Khan]

A big burly Irishman was sitting in a bar drinking, when an extreamly feminine French midget slinks in & slides up next to the Irishman. "Hey" he wispers, "you want a blowjob?"

"WHA?!" The Irishman roars, jumping up grabbing the midget by the neck, carrying him to the door & throwing him out face first.

"So what'd he say to you, that pissed you off so much?" the bartender asks when he finally takes his seat again.

"Donno, something about a job."

 

[Achinz]

Two blokes are walking down a street in a Melbourne suburb famous for Italian cafes and restarants. One of them is notorious for his prejudice against Italians. Yet when he sees an Italian organ grinder with a monkey, he throws $5 into the monkey's hat. The friend is surprised.

'But people have been telling me for years how much you hated Italians and here you do that'.

To which the bloke replies, 'Well, they're cute when they're little'.

 

[mazzz]

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?


No one knows.... it has never been tried

 

[Achinz]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a German all knocked at the same time at the Heavenly Gates. Before admitting them, St Peter asked them to fill out an admission application.

The first question asked, `Have you been unfaithful?' The Frenchman had been unfaithful sixty times. St Peter had a hard look at him and said, `Well, I suppose we can let you in under these circumstances. But all you'll be able to drive is a battered Volkswagen.'

The Englishman had only cheated twenty times and was given a Peugeot, whilst the German, who had remained completely faithful to his wife, who had never harboured any lustful thoughts, was rewarded with a Rolls Royce.

A few weeks later the three happened to pull up at the same time at a celestial intersection. Both the Frenchman and the Englishman were as happy as larks, but the German had obviously been crying.

When they askd him what was wrong he replied, `Well, my wife passed me three days ago - and she was on roller skates.'

 

[Nylan]

How do you count the population of Mexico?

Throw a penny down the street.

Who is the richest person in Mexico?

Whoever gets the penny

 

[Nylan]

Originally posted by Darth_Pugwash
No offense meant.

Google - french military victories

Another Blacksheep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fellow lunatic

 

[alhimik]

1939.Poland is being attacked.
So they send word to Latvia:
"The Germans are attacking!Send tanks!"

a while later they get a reply from Latvia:
"So,should we send 1 tank or do you want both of them?"