Nation Jokes

[mazzz]

here are two french jokes...

Knock Kock.
Who's there?
I give up.

and....

What do you call it when half the pop. of France runs north and the other half runs south?

French Civil War.

 

[Iggy]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, 'The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.'
The Frenchman says, 'I take ze poison.' The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, 'Vive la France!' and drinks it down. The Englishman says, 'A pistol for me, please.' The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, 'God save the queen!' and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, 'Gimme a fork.' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams, 'What are you doing???'
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, 'Ha ha! So much for your canoe!'

 

[Achinz]

@Iggy

Here's another:

The Englishman, the Scotsman and the Australian were trying to get into the Sydney Olympics without paying. The Englishman got a long stick and sharpened the end to a point. He went to the gate and said, 'David Mitchell, England, javelin.' And was allowed to enter.

The Scot got a tennis ball, rubbed off the fluff and went to the gate. 'Sandy McGregor, Scotland,' he said, 'shot putt!' He too was allowed to enter.

The Australian found a scrap of barbwire left behind by the builders and said, 'Bluey Foster, Australia, fencing.'

 

[Pariah]

In Heaven:

the policemen are English
the cooks are French
the mechanics are German
the bankers are Swiss
the lovers are Italian.

In Hell:

the policemen are French
the cooks are German
the mechanics are Swiss
the bankers are Italian
the lovers are English.

 

[Achinz]

toh6wy has post the same above.

 

[allhailIndia]

Slightly diff, but here goes

Heaven

English house,
Japanese Car
German beer
Indian wife
American Gadgets

Hell:
American Beer
Indian Car
Japanese House
German Wife
English Gadgets

 

[Gladi]

Bright day
I am sorry for not telling any national joke, but what have last two posters aganist German food and women ? Both of which is quite good... (especially Bavarian)

 

[Nylan]

What do you call a bunch of white men running down a hill?

An avalanch

What do you call a bunch of black men running down a hill?

A mudslide

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?

A JAILBRAKE!

(no offense intended)

 

[DBear]

Early in the Gulf War, an Israeli, an American, and a Polack (insert any nation you wish to insult) were captured in Iraq and bought to Saddam for execution. He sentenced them to die by guillotine and the Israeli was selected first. The Israeli was asked if he had any last words and he replied, "Drop dead!" The blade comes down and stops two inches from cutting his head.

The clerics and officers look on, amazed. Finally Saddam says, "It is the will of Allah. Let him go free." So they freed the Israeli and chose the American next. When asked if he had any last words, the American replied "Go to hell!" This time the blade stops only half an inch from cutting his head. Again Saddam says "It is the will of Allah, let him go free."

Then the Polack was selected, and was asked if he had any last words. The Polack replied "If you put some oil in the grooves, the blade will come down much easier"

 

[ybbor]

a ____ [insert name of insulted national] was talking to an Israeli. it's no fair he said. you Jews have all your religous holidays, and national holidays and get off work/school, while in ___[insert name of insulted Nation] we have barely any holidays. it's discrimination, what do we get to celebrate?

the Israeli replied: you can celbrate april 1st

 

[Tweedledum]

What do you call an Irishman wearing a suit?

- The defendant.

 

[The Commander]

Originally posted by Rik Meleet
An American, an English and a Chinese sailor get shipwrecked and endup on a deserted island. The American takes command. He says: "I take care of the food, the Englishman goes out and collects firewood and the Chinese takes care of the supplies". They all agree and go out into the jungle.

After 2 hours the American is back at the camp and has some coconuts and berries. The Englishman dosen't come back a lot later, with a large stack of wood. They wait for the Chinese.
After an hour they get worried, but decide to keep waiting. Another hour passes and they are really worried, but still decide to wait. After 3 hours they decide to go search the Chinese. Together they walk through the jungle. Suddenly the Chinese jumps out of a tree in front of them and shouts:

"Supplise !!!"

Man, that one had me laughing so friggin' hard. I also heard that one Nylan but with a reverse in Blacks/Mexican. I guess in an area plagued with illegal immigration there's bound to be more resentment.

Ok, damn, just had one.... alright, so one guy asks his friend how is French lessons are going, and his buddy says they're doing ok. So the first guy asks for one of the most important phrases and his friend replies: Soo ren der.

That's not exactly how i heard it but that's the gist of it.

 

[Brainly]

Three men were on heaven's gates trying to get in. St Peter says: "It's pretty full in here, you better have good explanations why you died." Well, the first man started: "When I came home from work, I had a feeling my wife was cheating on me. I searched the whole house but didn't find anyone exept my wife. I went to the balcony to have a smoke, but there I saw a man hanging on his fingertips from the edge of the balcony. I stepped on his fingers and he fell down 10 floors. Somehow he survived, so I went to get the fridge and threw it on him. Suddenly I had a heart attack and died." St Peter said: "Okay, you had a bad day. You can go in." The second man started his story: "I was exercising on my balcony on the 11th floor when I slipped over the railing. Luckily I got a hold of the 10th floor balcony. Then this man came on to the balcony and dropped me! Somehow I survived the drop, but then I got hit by a dropping fridge." St Peter said: "Ouch, that must have hurt. You can enter." So, the third man started: "You won't believe this: I was in this fridge right..."

EDIT: hah, I was so tired I forgot it had to be a nation joke
please forgive me
I would have deleted it already when I notice the oopsie, but for some reason I can't.

 

[genghis_khev]

Originally posted by mazzz
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?


No one knows.... it has never been tried

I love this joke!!

Similar to:

Why are there trees down the Champs-Élysées?

'Cos the Germans like to march in the shade!

 

[NankingDan]

Go to nationallampoon.com and look up "foreigners around the world". Funny, offensive, silly stuff!

 

[NankingDan]

Extremely offensive joke I heard from a movie:
A Bosnian woman was walking down the street with a monkey sitting on her shoulder when a Serb stopped her and asked:
"Hey you, where did you get that monkey?"
The Albanian replied: "The UN gave it to me", to which the Serb
replied, "you should have had an abortion"

 

[Stefan Haertel]

The Albanian replied: "The UN gave it to me", to which the Serb
replied, "you should have had an abortion"

You mean the Bosnian, I hope (?).

 

[NankingDan]

Oops, got it mixed up. The Serbs...don't get along...with so many people...(sigh)

 

[the100thballoon]

Originally posted by Pariah
Theone about the packed lunches and suicides: I've heard it, involving and English, Scotsman & Irishman (the one who made his own packed luch).

A cruise ship sank near a deserted island, and 12 survivors managed to swim ashore: 2 Italian men with 1 woman, 2 Greek men with 1 woman, 2 German men with 1 woman, and 2 English men with 1 woman.

3 months later, another ship arrived to rescue them. Upon coming ashore, the sailors found that:

One of the Italian men had killed the other in a dual over the Italian woman;
the 2 Greek men were sleeping together, while the woman did all the cooking and cleaning;
the German woman had devised a methodical rota, to divide her attentions equally between the 2 German men;
but the 2 English men & 1 English woman hadn't even spoken since they arrived, because nobody had bothered to introduce them to each other.

hahaha hahaha

 

[the100thballoon]

Originally posted by SuperBeaverInc.
One day, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a beautiful young girl from Germany are sitting on a train in the middle of Europe. The train enters a dark tunnel, and nothing can be seen. Suddenly, there is a kissing sound, followed by a loud smack. As they exit the tunnel, the German girl thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, but kissed the Englishman instead and got smacked". The Frenchman thinks, "The Englishman must have tried to kiss the German girl, and she slapped me instead of him by mistake". The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait until we get to another tunnel so I can make kissing sounds and smack the Frenchman again".

hahaha hahaha

im gonna be collapsed and laughing for hours!!!!!!!!