New Story!


Apr 1, 2012
Hello, I have started writing a story by myself and although i am not a great story writer, i am thinking what i have down so far is pretty good. I would like to post it on here for your guy's enjoyment and also to get some critic on how i can make it better. If you guys would like for me to do this comment and ill start Tomorrow. Thanks
Hello, I have started writing a story by myself and although i am not a great story writer, i am thinking what i have down so far is pretty good. I would like to post it on here for your guy's enjoyment and also to get some critic on how i can make it better. If you guys would like for me to do this comment and ill start Tomorrow. Thanks

Hi, welcome to the threads! We'd be glad to read and critique your story. I'd start with spelling and capitalizations...
it's along the same lines as the Rick Riordan books. It's about a group of kids who are demigods half god, half human; although they don't know it yet. It's action intense but with comedy and of course a little romance mixed in.
Also Please if your looking at this, Write yes or no to if you want me to post. I will post increments everyday if you would like
I'm interested in seeing this.
Would you mind if I proofread for you?

Sorry, I have been writing a lot lately, however I am not very good at writing intro's until i have written most of the story. That way i know how i want it to start and what i want the reader to know. So on and so forth. I can start out with some basic Background information with you all though. So here is some background leading into the book since i do not have an intro.

- 3 Narrators in the book
- 1 male, 2 female
- In The first chapters only 2 of the narrators are present
- First Day of the book takes place on October 22nd
- The first 2 narrators Hunter and Rachel
- They have been traveling for 8 days because monsters blew up half of their neighborhood
- On their journey a black Cadillac had stopped then dropped off Hunter's phone which he had thought he had lost in the rubble and sped off (His phone is a Pantech Matr
- Hunter had seen the lady in the Cadillac before her hair and eyes had given it off. However he could not remember where.
- On the second night of their journey Hydralisk had caught up to them and were chasing them. Hunter had an instinct to pull out his phone. He thought it was crazy but went with it. He slid it up it became a sword, side ways a shield. They could detach and reattach.
We're not asking for the whole damn book, or even part 1. A small writing sample would be nice though.
Some things are like Percy Jackson in the fact that they are demigods extra. I am trying to tie in my own story into his present time books however. Every idea that i have had so far is unique and my own. The plot line is different along with the weapons, ext. Im thinking about sending it in to Rick Riordan when it is finished.
Sorry, I have been writing a lot lately, however I am not very good at writing intro's until i have written most of the story.

It was a dark and moist morning. The air was filled with moisture and moistness. There was just moisture everywhere, for some reason. Hunter awoke and thus spoke: "Good morning Rachel. Did you sleep well?"

Rachel was already awake, preparing bacon. "Not really.. After what happened on September the 14th I haven't really been able to sleep".

Hunter too remembered what happened that fateful day. "Ah yes.. September 14th.. I remember it well", he said quietly. The words came out slowly.. "I lost half of my house.. and half of my dog".


"Half of it.. just gone. I KNOW.. It's tough to take.. but together we can get through this." He grabbed her hand as she wept.

The bacon spilled onto the floor.
And then hunter was bacon.
Hahaha. That might have just made my day. You are probably a way better writer than me. But through all of this I want to improve and so As i post increments you guys can critique. Tell me what i should change extra. I'll post the first increment at 7.
The past days his instincts had been really getting strong. He had been having this gut feeling telling him to go south. The night before he had another dream. This dream was one of the most vivid ones that he had had. This time it was of his cousin. She was running away from something, just like him and Rachel, but before he could tell what from there was a bright flash of light and lightning struck from the sky waking him up. Rachel seemed to be having strange dreams as well. Even she felt that something was telling her to move south. It was really strange being with her. He had never talked to her much before this trip. She was part of the "Popular" group at school and didn't have time for guys like him.
CRACK We both stopped what we were doing and looked to our right. There was a gigantic forest which we both swore we heard something coming from.
"This is the place right?" she said.
"I think" I whispered back, and shrunk back down to the floor. Another crack, This time I turned just in time to see a shadow burst out of the woods and hide between the corner of the fence and the shrubs surrounding the park.
"Get Down!" I whispered as i pulled my phone out of my pocket.footsteps Getting louder and louder, closer and closer. I saw the shadow on the move and right as i was about to slide my phone up; The shadow leaped at me grabbing my phone and sliding into the floor beside me. It was Ariel.
"What the?! What happened to you?" I said. But then I realized I had made a mistake because even in the darkness she gave me a glare which I thought she was staring right through my soul. She turned to Rachel.
"Hi, i'm Ariel" she said.
"Hey" Rachel responded "I'm Rach..."
"Rachel" Ariel interrupted. "Hunter talks about you all the time!" My face turned bright red and I became glad it was night so they couldn't see I was blushing. They both started giggling.
"Really?" Rachel asked. But before Ariel could respond, I butted in "Guys, we can do introductions later, right now we have three monsters chasing us, that's to say Ariel hasn't brought any friends." The giggling stopped.
"I think i killed them all yesterday" Ariel said.
"That would explain what I saw in my dream" I muttered.
"What?!?!" Ariel responded.
"Nothing, What was that flash of lighting..." but before I could finish what I was trying to say she reached into her bag and pulled out a sparkling brand new Rubix cube.
"Somebody in a black Cadillac drove by and gave it to me" She stated. She flipped the cube around in her hand and continued. "It works extremely fast and whatever side you solve last it allows you to push the middle cube in. Last night I solved yellow and lightning was at my command." She quickly changed the subject. " What did I see you carrying?" I stood up and stepped back. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and slid it up, the light illuminating the girls faces. A bronze sword with a blue handle appeared.
"Slide it to the left!" Rachel said. I did, the shield expanded from the remainder of the phone. I separated the sword and shield and held them up.
"What is that symbol on your sword and shield" Rachel asked. I looked at it and like she said there were faint characters written on both the sword and shield. Ποσειδών it read. I hadn't recognized it before, and to tell the truth I had no idea what it meant.
"It's a Greek symbol for something" Ariel stated "but I cannot remember what it is"
"That's a first" I said. Ariel hit me, but that was not what i was really worried about. A group of monsters was approaching from the field behind us. They lit random things on fire as the came near. I saw Ariel quickly scrambling to solve the Rubix cube. She had already solved yellow last but it wasn't working. She unsolved it and started again.
"I'll hold them off" I said. I ran down the steps off the platform, towards the monsters and into the darkness.

"I'll help him" Rachel said, as she quickly jogged behind. I turned around and looked over the balcony Hunter could not hold out forever. Rachel was more of a distraction to the monsters than actually helping our situation.
"Over here!" shed scream then she would wave arms to make sure they saw her. I had to give her credit, she had guts going out and fighting with no weapons. My fingers shook as i finished the Rubix cube and pressed down the green cube. I looked around for something to happen but couldn't see anything.
"Where are you Ariel?!?" Hunter screamed.
"I'm coming, It'll just be a sec" I yelled back. I threw the cube into the bag and started running down the stairs. That should have worked...maybe it is broken, she thought. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my knife. It had a silver handle with her name engraved on the side. I ran towards Rachel and threw the knife swirling through the air at the first thing I could see. The knife came in at a point nailing the serpent looking monster between the eyes. Letting out an ear popping squeal it vanished into dust. Rachel turned to look at me mouth opened.
"Where did you learn to fight like that?" she asked.
"My dad taught me a few tricks growing up" I responded
"Rachel watch Out!" Hunter yelled. Rachel ducked just in time for hunter to deflect the claws of the second serpent and send his blade into its rough skin. Immediately it disintegrated into dust as well. Hunter turned to face the other monsters approaching us from our flank. Before we knew it, we were surrounded. What seemed like almost 100 of the monster like creatures had found us. I closed my eyes, praying my mom was looking down on me. I Pulled out my knife, Hunter raised his sword and Rachel tried to hide between us.
"It was nice knowing you" Hunter said sarcastically. Closer and closer they came, so close now I could smell their rotten breath.
"What's that?" Rachel screamed. I turned my head towards the woods, coming from all directions were what looked like green glowing creatures illuminating the night. They had now caught the attention of the monsters who turned around and tried to run towards them. Multiple fell; They couldn't move, vines had spurred up from the ground slowly engulfing the monsters legs. Some serpents started to try to free themselves by slashing at the vines but it was too late. The green sprites has already gotten to them punching hitting and jumping all over the serpents. The vines continued to wrap around the serpents pulling them closer and closer to the ground. When the vines would get too tight the monster would burst into dust and disappear. And then their was silence, the glowing sprites faded off, the vines depressed back into the earth.
"So that's what that button does" I said. They both laughed, I could tell they were relived. "Come on" I told them "we need to keep moving."
"Where are we going?" Rachel asked
"I don't know, we just have to move south" I answered
"You had that feeling too?" Hunter replied
"Yes, I don't know what it is, but i feel that there is a safe haven for us" I said. We started back up and traveled for about an hour. Our trip was mainly quiet because we were all tired. People didn't seem to stare at us, I guessed that since we were now in a group people didn't think we were runaways and that we were going camping or something. And then we stopped.
"For now," Hunter said "We need to get rest." We settled into the woods right behind a Family Dollar. Hunter was the only one among us that had brought money so he decided to pick up the tab. He went into the store for what seemed like ages and came out with sleeping bags, pillows, backpacks for him and Rachel, snacks and of course lights so we could at least see a threat coming. We unrolled the sleeping bags. I told them I would take the first watch. Hunters weapons had turned back into phone form and Rachel had about passed out. Within minutes they were both out cold. I turned on all three lanterns and sat them up. I started to think about my friends, had they been worried about me? I wondered what their faces would like when they put out the fire and cleared the rubble and the found no bodies. My heart dropped, and then there was Brian, she had been making progress with him. At least she thought she had. But I couldn't think about that now. I had to think about the positives. I was here with Hunter, She was safe, well for at least tonight and Rachel seemed nice enough maybe they could be friends. She could tell that Rachel liked Hunter, but that was only because she was a girl. She put on a really good poker face for Hunter. On the other hand it was EXTREMELY obvious that Hunter liked Rachel, he would always go out of his way doing random things for her. Before I knew it, Rachel's arm on her phone had gone off and my shift was over. I went to my sleeping bag and crawled in. I closed my eyes and started to dream.

It was now 3:00 in the morning and She was extremely tired. At least she knew the next night she would get a full nights rest. Ariel had just gone to sleep and now it was quite. She listened to the crickets and tried to make sense of what had just happened. She had another dream again, this one more vivid than the last. It was of her mother, she was talking to her. Her mom had told her that she needed to travel east, that the location of this so called "safe zone" that Ariel had been talking about was on Long Island, New York. The image in her dream switched she was now walking around what looked like a camp; yes that's what it looked like. Many kids around her age, boys and girls alike were training and fighting and laughing. Many strange creatures were watching and joining in as well. She felt like she belonged here, but of course before she could see more or find out more her alarm had woken her up. She glanced down at her phone, 3:05 almost no time had passed. With a sigh she decided to get up and go explore. She did a lot of this at home in between fights with her dad and hanging out with her so called friends. She remembered how on one of her explorations she had found an underground tunnel that led from her house to Hunters. If you could scream loud enough, you could hear the person on the other side. Then she thought of her dad, maybe they could have worked things out. Sure they fought a lot over the little things (which wasn't helped because her dad was on business trips all the time), but maybe just maybe things could have changed. She almost cried at the thought of not having a second chance. She fought the urge and kept walking. She was now off the beaten path and through the woods, she had been walking for some time when something began to rattle in the shrubs. Her heart skipped a jump, she stopped, looked around adrenaline pumping and ready to run for her life. When just then a voice whispered into her brain. Wait my child. She didn't run, there was a calming aura that had filled the air. She closed her eyes and opened them to make sure that she wasn't dreaming. A large margin of the forest had been removed in a blink of an eye and in place of them was a pond with white swans swimming around and doves flying above. Two (of which had to be the most stupid doves ever) collided in mid air over the center of the fountain, and with a bright flash of light in place of them was a beautiful women with long dark brown hair and blue eyes.
"Am I dreaming?"
No my childshe responded.
"Who are you?"
The answers to your questions will come in due time. But for now, I have only been granted limited time to come here. You should not be worried my child, as Hera has a special place for you in her plan.
"Where am I supposed to go then?"
Do you forget so easily? You will go to a camp beyond the valley in Long Island, New York. There, you will be given your prophesy.
"A prophesy?"
Yes, but that is all I can tell you for now as you must fulfill your own destiny, and fight your own battles. You have my blessing child, however now I must go and you must too. Your friends are awaking.
"Wait! Wait! Can you please just tell me who you are?" But it was already to late, the women had disappeared and everything had changed back to it's original state. She could hear the faded screams of Ariel and Hunter looking for her.
"Rachel!!!" They screamed.
"I'm over here!" she shouted back. They both ran through the clearing in the woods.
"What the heck?" Hunter said as he wrapped his arms around her. As her heart skipped a beat and a sense of warmth went through her body, Hunter pulled away quickly.
"Sorry" he said.
"You worried us half to death! We thought you were gone!" Ariel chimed in.
"I was just exploring..." she responded. "I had another dream again, I was told we needed to go to Long Island, New York. I'll explain the rest later."
"Okay!" Ariel said. "Long Island, here we come!" Then she tossed her the last bookbag and continued. "And this time, let's stick together." Ariel smiled, patted her on the back and started walking. She then threw her bag over her shoulder and followed behind Ariel. Hunter kept his distance taking up the rear. She could tell that he was upset about something but decided to give him sometime to think. As they walked she explained everything that happened to Ariel. She told her about seeing her mom in her dream, and then how after wandering from their camp into the forest how it changed and a beautiful women appeared. She told her everything that the women had told her, then she waited for Ariel to burst out laughing, but she didn't. Ariel just looked at her and smiled.
"What is it?" she asked.
"That women you saw, judging by your description, that's Aphrodite. She is the Greek godess of beauty" Ariel said.
"But gods and godess are fake! We learned that in school!" She exclaimed. And then Hunter decided to join in.
"Well isn't there reason to believe that gods are real? If monsters are real and they're chasing us, there is no reason to think that the gods aren't"
"Exactly!" Ariel said. "But the real question is why she visited you." She could tell that Hunter wanted to say something but he bit his lip.
"I'm not sure" she responded
"You said something about a prophesy, and being part of Hera's plan right?" Ariel asked. Although she knew it would get them off topic she couldn't think of any better way to answer the question.
"Yeah, that's what she said" she responded. Hunter started laughing and they all joined in. It was one of the first times that she actually felt happy since they started their trip.
The first thing I noticed was that you change from 3rd to 1st person after the first paragraph. You refer to Hunter as "he" and then switch to Hunter as "I" or "we".

"threw my soul" should be "through my soul".

Capitalize "I" even if it doesn't start a sentence.

EDIT: And spoiler alert :p Google tells me the inscription says "Poseidon".
I'm Trying to work on that. It's hard because i feel that it certain spots different perspectives are needed. As for the rest of your suggestions thanks allot! I have already changed it! Thanks!
Top Bottom