(This will feature a large quantity of lolwut. Any stupid moves made I blame on the characters and the citizens.)
The nomads and hunter-gatherers huddled around the fire, which stained their faces and bodies with warmth and light. It was time to stop their incessant wanderings, said the chieftain, a crafty fellow by the name of Justinian I. The land was rich and untouched, and to settle down here was far more desirable than constant searching for grasslands for their cattle and game-filled forests for the hunters. Thus the Byzantine civilization came into being, poised to fly their standards over every inch of the earth.
And there was a snag in Justinian's grand plan of world domination.
The city site that he had chosen was not approved by the citizens of his empire. Surely they were just common peasants, but they were dangerous common peasants, and for whatever reason, they wanted to move to the east, where they could take "full advantage of the surrounding bay". Justinian desperately wanted to go tell them how they were a bunch of expletive-filled burritos, but on this occasion, he submitted to their clamors.
Thus the great city - or, small little village, if you want to be realistic - of Constantinople was founded. Justinian laughed and partied all day, retiring into his palace with a few hot chicks at dusk. There was sufficient cause for his jubilation: the lands surrounding the capital were uninhabited and his for the taking.
Now, Constantinople was the capital of Byzantium. In order to rule effectively, Justinian told the men and women that the old tribal confederation was to be abolished as soon as possible: that meant more or less that they would be his perpetual servants with the abolition of the tribal government. Thankfully for them, this plan was not yet carried out, and they would peacefully prosper for quite some time.
Time flew by, and to live out those long days the inhabitants of Constantinople chose to devote their time to the research of catching weird slimy things with hooks, known in their tongue as "fishing". Meanwhile, warriors were scouting out the lands to the west and southwest.
The warriors, gallant and relentless in their persuasion of the unknown, had stumbled across a tribal village! Needless to say, they extorted 76 gold from the place before murdering the native population and burning the village to the ground. Such charming fellows.
Developments at Constantinople led to the discovery of fishing, and the citizens turned their attention towards research on making little clay pots. The warriors in the south, on stumbling upon a thick jungle, decided they didn't have the testicular organs to go through the mosquito-filled hellhole, and they headed back north to the city for a warm welcome from the cheery citizens.
They arrived at Constantinople, receiving a hero's welcome. In 3550 BC, a hero's welcome consisted of a few well-mannered grunts, some old Bud Light left over from last night's frat party and a loaf of bread. This addition of a new factor of the population in the city made Justinian pause and reflect upon the lifestyle of the Byzantines. He made a thorough analysis of what he found:
The discovery of pottery led to creation of a vibrant ceramics scene in Constantinople. Alongside potters, bakers, workers, hunters and travelers began to congregate in the city. Byzantium was undergoing a renaissance of trade and culture - albeit a primitive one - as natives from the surrounding lands joined the populace of the city.
Next up on the empire's agenda was sailing. In combat, it served a purpose: the research of annoying little ocean-going vessels could help Byzantium combat other people with annoying little ocean-going vessels. Alongside the military purpose was the economical purpose; raw supplies, fine goods and copious amounts of workers and soldiers could be transported.
Justinian received news of the discovery of Buddhism, whatever the hell that was. Tantamount to this discovery was another discovery of some magic mushrooms that could supposedly heal wounds. After burning the unfortunate scientist at the stake, he assured the population that they were not going to be force-fed shrooms.
Sailing had been researched, but the citizens of Constantinople were far too busy to be making little boats. The need to expand and develop the empire's land was at the forefront. Thankfully, workers had gone out into the countryside to create farms, settle villages and create roads.
In 2725 BC, some dweeb by the name of Herodotus had gone around to all of the neighboring civilizations and made a little list about their technologies so he could feel relevant. Upon hearing the news that Byzantium was listed as pathetic, Justinian tracked Herodotus down and ripped out both of his eyes, ate part of his nose, cut off six of his fingers and threw him into a deep pit with a television that only played Nicholas Cage movies. Herodotus killed himself some time later.
Hunting, present as individual hunters peddled their wares to the city, was researched on a much-wider scale in Constantinople. Now entire herds of animals could be captured and maintained by the empire.
By this time Constantinople was little more than it was a thousand years ago, albeit with the addition of a few minor improvements. Thanks to the efforts of the robust workers, farms were springing up across the countryside.
Tune in next time to watch Nova Roma: A Tale of Byzantium!
Nova Roma: A Hellishly Terrible and Pathetically Sad Tale of Byzantium
The nomads and hunter-gatherers huddled around the fire, which stained their faces and bodies with warmth and light. It was time to stop their incessant wanderings, said the chieftain, a crafty fellow by the name of Justinian I. The land was rich and untouched, and to settle down here was far more desirable than constant searching for grasslands for their cattle and game-filled forests for the hunters. Thus the Byzantine civilization came into being, poised to fly their standards over every inch of the earth.
Spoiler :
And there was a snag in Justinian's grand plan of world domination.
The city site that he had chosen was not approved by the citizens of his empire. Surely they were just common peasants, but they were dangerous common peasants, and for whatever reason, they wanted to move to the east, where they could take "full advantage of the surrounding bay". Justinian desperately wanted to go tell them how they were a bunch of expletive-filled burritos, but on this occasion, he submitted to their clamors.
Spoiler :
Thus the great city - or, small little village, if you want to be realistic - of Constantinople was founded. Justinian laughed and partied all day, retiring into his palace with a few hot chicks at dusk. There was sufficient cause for his jubilation: the lands surrounding the capital were uninhabited and his for the taking.
Spoiler :
Now, Constantinople was the capital of Byzantium. In order to rule effectively, Justinian told the men and women that the old tribal confederation was to be abolished as soon as possible: that meant more or less that they would be his perpetual servants with the abolition of the tribal government. Thankfully for them, this plan was not yet carried out, and they would peacefully prosper for quite some time.
Time flew by, and to live out those long days the inhabitants of Constantinople chose to devote their time to the research of catching weird slimy things with hooks, known in their tongue as "fishing". Meanwhile, warriors were scouting out the lands to the west and southwest.
Spoiler :
The warriors, gallant and relentless in their persuasion of the unknown, had stumbled across a tribal village! Needless to say, they extorted 76 gold from the place before murdering the native population and burning the village to the ground. Such charming fellows.
Spoiler :
Developments at Constantinople led to the discovery of fishing, and the citizens turned their attention towards research on making little clay pots. The warriors in the south, on stumbling upon a thick jungle, decided they didn't have the testicular organs to go through the mosquito-filled hellhole, and they headed back north to the city for a warm welcome from the cheery citizens.
Spoiler :
They arrived at Constantinople, receiving a hero's welcome. In 3550 BC, a hero's welcome consisted of a few well-mannered grunts, some old Bud Light left over from last night's frat party and a loaf of bread. This addition of a new factor of the population in the city made Justinian pause and reflect upon the lifestyle of the Byzantines. He made a thorough analysis of what he found:
Spoiler :
The discovery of pottery led to creation of a vibrant ceramics scene in Constantinople. Alongside potters, bakers, workers, hunters and travelers began to congregate in the city. Byzantium was undergoing a renaissance of trade and culture - albeit a primitive one - as natives from the surrounding lands joined the populace of the city.
Next up on the empire's agenda was sailing. In combat, it served a purpose: the research of annoying little ocean-going vessels could help Byzantium combat other people with annoying little ocean-going vessels. Alongside the military purpose was the economical purpose; raw supplies, fine goods and copious amounts of workers and soldiers could be transported.
Spoiler :
Justinian received news of the discovery of Buddhism, whatever the hell that was. Tantamount to this discovery was another discovery of some magic mushrooms that could supposedly heal wounds. After burning the unfortunate scientist at the stake, he assured the population that they were not going to be force-fed shrooms.
Spoiler :
Sailing had been researched, but the citizens of Constantinople were far too busy to be making little boats. The need to expand and develop the empire's land was at the forefront. Thankfully, workers had gone out into the countryside to create farms, settle villages and create roads.
Spoiler :
In 2725 BC, some dweeb by the name of Herodotus had gone around to all of the neighboring civilizations and made a little list about their technologies so he could feel relevant. Upon hearing the news that Byzantium was listed as pathetic, Justinian tracked Herodotus down and ripped out both of his eyes, ate part of his nose, cut off six of his fingers and threw him into a deep pit with a television that only played Nicholas Cage movies. Herodotus killed himself some time later.
Hunting, present as individual hunters peddled their wares to the city, was researched on a much-wider scale in Constantinople. Now entire herds of animals could be captured and maintained by the empire.
By this time Constantinople was little more than it was a thousand years ago, albeit with the addition of a few minor improvements. Thanks to the efforts of the robust workers, farms were springing up across the countryside.
Spoiler :
Tune in next time to watch Nova Roma: A Tale of Byzantium!
A blood-covered fat man with a mug of beer. No objections. Fun story.
![[party]](/images/smilies/partytime.gif "Party [party]")
