Jon the Bastard
Warlord
WHAT HO! Greetings, sir or madam! About two years ago I did a Civ V leader personality write-up that proved to be rather popular here on the forums. I also did one for the DLC leaders shortly after they came out (although, I never did one for Harold Bluetooth of Denmark). You can find the original here and the DLC write-up here. Please keep in mind that these are based off of AI tendencies when playing.
I have been absent too long! And so, I make my return, my glorious resurgence
, with a similar write-up for the civilizations for Gods & Kings. I will do a similar one for Brave New World once I've spent enough time with the leaders. But, for now, let us begin... shenanigans abound.
Maria Theresa of Austria - Lover of Delectable Pastries - Maria Theresa is nothing short of a spoiled brat. She is perhaps the closest one can get to Angelica from Rug Rats without actually having Angelica from Rug Rats. I imagine her as a small, angry, incredulous little child... the kind of child you see screaming in the middle of the isle at a supermarket and immediately wish an entire shelf would fall on top of her, burying her inside a tomb of canned green beans. Her accent is very... well, Bavarian... but, there's something serpentine about the way she hisses out her requests. When she's not enjoying the latest tasty confections from her palace kitchen she's busy planning a strong economy and warring with her neighbors. As far as her actual success in my games... well, it's split pretty evenly and it seems to depend heavily on how much she has concentrated on maintaining and building up her military. Her expansionary tendencies coupled with her UA get her the attention of her neighbors, and more often than not she makes enemies out of them, if not the entire world. Faced by too many foes, a medium-sized Austrian military crumbles and spends the rest of the game with one or two cities. But, if Maria is able to outpace her enemies militarily, she's usually a force to be reckoned with.
Theodora of Byzantium - Grand Inquisitor of Byzantine - "Oh, why hello there Theodora. How are you?"
"Here, have some religion."
"No, no... thanks Theo, but I've already got one."
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do. See... here it is. It's Judaism."
"Oh... well. Here, have this one instead."
"No! I don't want that one!"
"Yes you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes. You. Do."
"Fiiiiiiiiinnnnneeeee. Jesus Christ."
"Yeah? What about him?"
Her religious zealotry knows no bounds. She makes Isabella of Spain look like a cafeteria Catholic. Theo doesn't care about anything. She doesn't care about you, she doesn't care about your problems, and she certainly doesn't give a merde about your religion. She will convert all of your cities while you, stricken by panic, scramble to purchase enough inquisitors to banish the blasphemous Byzantine priests from your cities. You'll never keep up, so don't even try. Theo's success in my game depends largely on her positioning relative to her neighbors and the availability of horses. If the right conditions are met, she's an early game powerhouse and you really can't forget about her until the end of the Renaissance era; and if you do, it will more than likely be at your own peril.
Dido of Carthage - Harbormaster - Certainly no Euron Greyjoy, Dido prays to no Drowned God (Song of Ice and Fire reference for the win!) and doesn't kowtow to anyone. I like Dido. I really do. She's usually always pleasant toward me. She has attitude, and it sometimes gets her into trouble. But, you can't say that she takes a bunch of crap from everyone. Yeah, her willingness to tell the likes of Bismarck and Alexander to bugger off often times leads to her demise or at least global humiliation, but still, she carries on defiantly. Honey Dido don't care! Honey Dido don't give a turd!
Boudicca of the Celts - The Supremely Pissed Off - Don't let her peaceful leader background music fool you. She hates you. Boudicca is not a nice person. If you ask me, she spends too much time with Catherine of Russia from Civ IV. Her leader screen will pop up and ask you for an extra resource you've got laying around. You will deny her request. The next turn she'll denounce you, and you will stare at the screen, bewildered... and as she swings her sword back behind her shoulder and then back across her chest, slamming it into a convenient nearby wagon, you will think to yourself, "Well... that escalated quickly." Boudicca will decry you as the worst person ever to walk the face of the Earth just for telling her no. Don't open borders with her per her request? You are obviously in league with the likes of Hitler and Pol Pot. There can be no worse person in the eyes of Boudicca other than one that denies her what is rightfully hers. Always a religious consideration, Boudicca manages to piss off everyone on the map. She herself is always angry, raging on and on about some perceived slight of one sort or another. She never really gets the chance to get past three or four cities in my games, mostly because she's been at war with too people too consistently to have done anything other than produce military units. The only thing you have to worry about with Boudicca is steering clear of her legendary attitude.
Haile Selassie - The Unassuming of Ethiopia - I don't have any witty, funny things to say about Mr. Selassie. I respect the guy. One of the worst things you could do in regard to Haile Selassie's Ethiopia is ignore it. He's always a consideration in my games no matter the size of his empire. I've seen him hold off huge, 18-city empires with nothing but 3 cities and a defensive military force. He's always a religious mover and shaker on the map as well. He knows who his enemies and friends are. If you're privileged enough to be asked to sign a friendship agreement with him, you'll never have to worry about him backstabbing you or exploiting your relationship for his personal gains. He always honors requests and is an extremely reliable AI ally. This guy is the real deal, but you'd never know it due to his extremely unassuming air (quite different from the real-world Haile Selassie, by the way).
Attila of the Huns - Keeper of Horse Feces - If Boudicca is always spitting in your face in a fit of rage, Attila is spitting in your face because he had one too many a drink down at the local tent-pub. There, into the wee hours of the morning, lamenting the copious amount of horse feces he has to clean up as a result of his over-reliance on Hun Horse Archers, he drinks... and drinks, and drinks. It would also explain his generally unpleasant, boisterous personality. His near-constant need to proclaim his superiority or greatness over everything, however, does leave one wondering what sorts of insecurities rack the tiny brain of our dearest, poor Attila. I've had Attila in a lot of my games and I can only remember once where he was a threat and force to be reckoned with, and that was because he was surrounded by a bunch of culturally or diplomatically oriented civilizations. Pick on the weak man, yeah... you're a real tough guy. Attila is usually gobbled up and left with one city, if not conquered entirely, in my games. He is simply too quick to anger and insult the civs on the map. He catches their ire and their arrows. I've always tended to look at him as the frat bro of Civilization V.
Sejong of Korea - THE Gangnam Style - Sejong simply must be an early time-traveling adopter of the Chinese Communist Party's Four Modernizations. The guy is good at everything. He always seems to run a strong economy in my games. He takes full advantage of his unique ability and out-techs most everyone on the map, meaning that his military is more technologically advanced. He can pretty much decide on a whim whether or not he wants to crush his neighbors. He, like Haile Selassie of Ethiopia, is another leader I don't have any funny or witty things to say about. He's always a consideration on any maps he's on and is likely to be a humbling foe or truly great ally. Try to befriend him early on, but be prepared to check his power later in the game. Sejong the Great of Korea.
Pacal of the Maya - Birther of Great People - Do not let his official title - Maker of Calendars - fool you! Pacal is not to be trifled with. This Mayan wunderkind is one of a couple of Civ V's masters of all things science and religion. Aside from a sun-blocking headdress, Pacal is an alright guy. In my games he's usually always a force to be reckoned with. If he starts next to a military-oriented civilization like Germany or Rome, he'll never be the threat he would be otherwise... he just can't compete militarily once he's out of the early Medieval era. If he's able to survive the early game he'll soon out-tech those around him, and a Mayan technology lead usually means a technologically superior Mayan military. The guy pops out Great People like they're going out of style. He has fathered many a Great Person, indeed.
William Orange - The Orangiest of The Netherlands - I would be lying to you if I told you that the first I notice any time William's leader screen pops up wasn't his perfectly sculpted calf muscles. Dem legs!
The dude obviously works out. Just sayin' 
! Body aesthetics aside, Mr. Orange has won many of his country's highest honors: The Netherlands Orangest Man of the Year winner 14 years running. Orange Tootsie Pop Eating Contest winner for five consecutive years. He also owns the entire world's stockpile of the Citrine and Imperial Topaz gems... of course, because they're orange. When he's not bathing in Sunkist or applying Orange Sherbet to his sunburn, he's quietly building a trade empire the likes of which the world has never seen. In my games, William is never really a threat... probably because the AI doesn't know how to spend massive amounts of accumulated wealth. But, he is always a solid civilization. He does well across the board. His culture, science, gold, and happiness yields are always respectable. Heck, sometimes he's even leading in several of those categories at once. But, one thing you can always count on him having is a lot of money.
Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden - Consumer of Happy Pills and Protector of City-States - I don't know what this guy is on, but I want some. He's always happy... always. His entire empire could be crumbling, his citizens being slaughtered in the street, and his treasury being plundered and he'd be all like, "Hey! Jon! My friend... I know you just did all this horrible stuff to my empire, but what do you say we bury the hatchet?! I'll give you every luxury and strategic resource I have, all of my gold per turn, my entire treasury and a couple cities. Sound good? Yeah?! Excellent! Oh, also, I'll send a diplomat over with papers for a formal declaration of friendship in a couple of turns. Do you want anything before you leave? A drink? A feast in honor of your victory? No? Okay. Well, here, at least let me get the door for you." Thank, thank you very much Gustavus. The guy is always so damn happy. What's his secret?! His generosity and pleasant demeanor do have boundaries, however. Cthulhu help you if you go after one of his City-State allies. Holy poop... the full might of the Swedish empire will be devoted to destroying every last bit of evidence that your empire ever existed. Seriously, the guy has some serious devotion to his CS allies. Put him and Alexander next to one another, and see what happens.
In my games, Gustavus is very much like William Orange in the sense that he runs a respectable empire. Not terrible at anything, but not particularly strong in any area either. I have played several games, however, where the beast has been unleashed upon the world. In those games, I've seen Sweden conquer the likes of a mighty and militarily strong Germany, I've seen him crush the Cossack armies of Russia and send Catherine packing back to Moscow. I've seen him take out three civilizations in one playthrough. In my games, he's either average across the board, or a global terror speaking an indecipherable language. Either way, I like the guy. He always manages to cheer me up.
Well, there it is! I hope everyone enjoyed reading this installment in what I guess has become a series of sorts. After spending some time with Brave New World, I'll be back with another one of these! Ciao!
I have been absent too long! And so, I make my return, my glorious resurgence
, with a similar write-up for the civilizations for Gods & Kings. I will do a similar one for Brave New World once I've spent enough time with the leaders. But, for now, let us begin... shenanigans abound. Maria Theresa of Austria - Lover of Delectable Pastries - Maria Theresa is nothing short of a spoiled brat. She is perhaps the closest one can get to Angelica from Rug Rats without actually having Angelica from Rug Rats. I imagine her as a small, angry, incredulous little child... the kind of child you see screaming in the middle of the isle at a supermarket and immediately wish an entire shelf would fall on top of her, burying her inside a tomb of canned green beans. Her accent is very... well, Bavarian... but, there's something serpentine about the way she hisses out her requests. When she's not enjoying the latest tasty confections from her palace kitchen she's busy planning a strong economy and warring with her neighbors. As far as her actual success in my games... well, it's split pretty evenly and it seems to depend heavily on how much she has concentrated on maintaining and building up her military. Her expansionary tendencies coupled with her UA get her the attention of her neighbors, and more often than not she makes enemies out of them, if not the entire world. Faced by too many foes, a medium-sized Austrian military crumbles and spends the rest of the game with one or two cities. But, if Maria is able to outpace her enemies militarily, she's usually a force to be reckoned with.
Theodora of Byzantium - Grand Inquisitor of Byzantine - "Oh, why hello there Theodora. How are you?"
"Here, have some religion."
"No, no... thanks Theo, but I've already got one."
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do. See... here it is. It's Judaism."
"Oh... well. Here, have this one instead."
"No! I don't want that one!"
"Yes you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes. You. Do."
"Fiiiiiiiiinnnnneeeee. Jesus Christ."
"Yeah? What about him?"
Her religious zealotry knows no bounds. She makes Isabella of Spain look like a cafeteria Catholic. Theo doesn't care about anything. She doesn't care about you, she doesn't care about your problems, and she certainly doesn't give a merde about your religion. She will convert all of your cities while you, stricken by panic, scramble to purchase enough inquisitors to banish the blasphemous Byzantine priests from your cities. You'll never keep up, so don't even try. Theo's success in my game depends largely on her positioning relative to her neighbors and the availability of horses. If the right conditions are met, she's an early game powerhouse and you really can't forget about her until the end of the Renaissance era; and if you do, it will more than likely be at your own peril.
Dido of Carthage - Harbormaster - Certainly no Euron Greyjoy, Dido prays to no Drowned God (Song of Ice and Fire reference for the win!) and doesn't kowtow to anyone. I like Dido. I really do. She's usually always pleasant toward me. She has attitude, and it sometimes gets her into trouble. But, you can't say that she takes a bunch of crap from everyone. Yeah, her willingness to tell the likes of Bismarck and Alexander to bugger off often times leads to her demise or at least global humiliation, but still, she carries on defiantly. Honey Dido don't care! Honey Dido don't give a turd!
Boudicca of the Celts - The Supremely Pissed Off - Don't let her peaceful leader background music fool you. She hates you. Boudicca is not a nice person. If you ask me, she spends too much time with Catherine of Russia from Civ IV. Her leader screen will pop up and ask you for an extra resource you've got laying around. You will deny her request. The next turn she'll denounce you, and you will stare at the screen, bewildered... and as she swings her sword back behind her shoulder and then back across her chest, slamming it into a convenient nearby wagon, you will think to yourself, "Well... that escalated quickly." Boudicca will decry you as the worst person ever to walk the face of the Earth just for telling her no. Don't open borders with her per her request? You are obviously in league with the likes of Hitler and Pol Pot. There can be no worse person in the eyes of Boudicca other than one that denies her what is rightfully hers. Always a religious consideration, Boudicca manages to piss off everyone on the map. She herself is always angry, raging on and on about some perceived slight of one sort or another. She never really gets the chance to get past three or four cities in my games, mostly because she's been at war with too people too consistently to have done anything other than produce military units. The only thing you have to worry about with Boudicca is steering clear of her legendary attitude.
Haile Selassie - The Unassuming of Ethiopia - I don't have any witty, funny things to say about Mr. Selassie. I respect the guy. One of the worst things you could do in regard to Haile Selassie's Ethiopia is ignore it. He's always a consideration in my games no matter the size of his empire. I've seen him hold off huge, 18-city empires with nothing but 3 cities and a defensive military force. He's always a religious mover and shaker on the map as well. He knows who his enemies and friends are. If you're privileged enough to be asked to sign a friendship agreement with him, you'll never have to worry about him backstabbing you or exploiting your relationship for his personal gains. He always honors requests and is an extremely reliable AI ally. This guy is the real deal, but you'd never know it due to his extremely unassuming air (quite different from the real-world Haile Selassie, by the way).
Attila of the Huns - Keeper of Horse Feces - If Boudicca is always spitting in your face in a fit of rage, Attila is spitting in your face because he had one too many a drink down at the local tent-pub. There, into the wee hours of the morning, lamenting the copious amount of horse feces he has to clean up as a result of his over-reliance on Hun Horse Archers, he drinks... and drinks, and drinks. It would also explain his generally unpleasant, boisterous personality. His near-constant need to proclaim his superiority or greatness over everything, however, does leave one wondering what sorts of insecurities rack the tiny brain of our dearest, poor Attila. I've had Attila in a lot of my games and I can only remember once where he was a threat and force to be reckoned with, and that was because he was surrounded by a bunch of culturally or diplomatically oriented civilizations. Pick on the weak man, yeah... you're a real tough guy. Attila is usually gobbled up and left with one city, if not conquered entirely, in my games. He is simply too quick to anger and insult the civs on the map. He catches their ire and their arrows. I've always tended to look at him as the frat bro of Civilization V.
Sejong of Korea - THE Gangnam Style - Sejong simply must be an early time-traveling adopter of the Chinese Communist Party's Four Modernizations. The guy is good at everything. He always seems to run a strong economy in my games. He takes full advantage of his unique ability and out-techs most everyone on the map, meaning that his military is more technologically advanced. He can pretty much decide on a whim whether or not he wants to crush his neighbors. He, like Haile Selassie of Ethiopia, is another leader I don't have any funny or witty things to say about. He's always a consideration on any maps he's on and is likely to be a humbling foe or truly great ally. Try to befriend him early on, but be prepared to check his power later in the game. Sejong the Great of Korea.
Pacal of the Maya - Birther of Great People - Do not let his official title - Maker of Calendars - fool you! Pacal is not to be trifled with. This Mayan wunderkind is one of a couple of Civ V's masters of all things science and religion. Aside from a sun-blocking headdress, Pacal is an alright guy. In my games he's usually always a force to be reckoned with. If he starts next to a military-oriented civilization like Germany or Rome, he'll never be the threat he would be otherwise... he just can't compete militarily once he's out of the early Medieval era. If he's able to survive the early game he'll soon out-tech those around him, and a Mayan technology lead usually means a technologically superior Mayan military. The guy pops out Great People like they're going out of style. He has fathered many a Great Person, indeed.
William Orange - The Orangiest of The Netherlands - I would be lying to you if I told you that the first I notice any time William's leader screen pops up wasn't his perfectly sculpted calf muscles. Dem legs!
The dude obviously works out. Just sayin' ! Body aesthetics aside, Mr. Orange has won many of his country's highest honors: The Netherlands Orangest Man of the Year winner 14 years running. Orange Tootsie Pop Eating Contest winner for five consecutive years. He also owns the entire world's stockpile of the Citrine and Imperial Topaz gems... of course, because they're orange. When he's not bathing in Sunkist or applying Orange Sherbet to his sunburn, he's quietly building a trade empire the likes of which the world has never seen. In my games, William is never really a threat... probably because the AI doesn't know how to spend massive amounts of accumulated wealth. But, he is always a solid civilization. He does well across the board. His culture, science, gold, and happiness yields are always respectable. Heck, sometimes he's even leading in several of those categories at once. But, one thing you can always count on him having is a lot of money. Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden - Consumer of Happy Pills and Protector of City-States - I don't know what this guy is on, but I want some. He's always happy... always. His entire empire could be crumbling, his citizens being slaughtered in the street, and his treasury being plundered and he'd be all like, "Hey! Jon! My friend... I know you just did all this horrible stuff to my empire, but what do you say we bury the hatchet?! I'll give you every luxury and strategic resource I have, all of my gold per turn, my entire treasury and a couple cities. Sound good? Yeah?! Excellent! Oh, also, I'll send a diplomat over with papers for a formal declaration of friendship in a couple of turns. Do you want anything before you leave? A drink? A feast in honor of your victory? No? Okay. Well, here, at least let me get the door for you." Thank, thank you very much Gustavus. The guy is always so damn happy. What's his secret?! His generosity and pleasant demeanor do have boundaries, however. Cthulhu help you if you go after one of his City-State allies. Holy poop... the full might of the Swedish empire will be devoted to destroying every last bit of evidence that your empire ever existed. Seriously, the guy has some serious devotion to his CS allies. Put him and Alexander next to one another, and see what happens.
In my games, Gustavus is very much like William Orange in the sense that he runs a respectable empire. Not terrible at anything, but not particularly strong in any area either. I have played several games, however, where the beast has been unleashed upon the world. In those games, I've seen Sweden conquer the likes of a mighty and militarily strong Germany, I've seen him crush the Cossack armies of Russia and send Catherine packing back to Moscow. I've seen him take out three civilizations in one playthrough. In my games, he's either average across the board, or a global terror speaking an indecipherable language. Either way, I like the guy. He always manages to cheer me up.Well, there it is! I hope everyone enjoyed reading this installment in what I guess has become a series of sorts. After spending some time with Brave New World, I'll be back with another one of these! Ciao!
This was hilarious. You basically hit the nail on the head with Austria, but in my games Attila has always been a suspiciously good friend to have.
