Playground Mod 2.0: Rise of the Barbarians

[Dumanios]

S!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!


So this must be what death feels like....

And what if other S is in?

 

[Bluemofia]

And what if other S is in?

Oh noez! Zombie S!

 

[The Omega]

Oh noez! Zombie S!

Sean of the Dead?

 

[BuckyRea]

This is the weirdest story ever.

 

[Bluemofia]

This is the weirdest story ever.

It's staring small children in their imaginations. Of course it has to be weird!

 

[mythmonster2]

Just popping in. The Playground Mod is almost done? Like it has been for the past... uh... don't remember.

 

[Bluemofia]

Just popping in. The Playground Mod is almost done? Like it has been for the past... uh... don't remember.

We've got a deadline. Before Civ V comes out, within 54 days as of this post.

And we've actually got a list of what needs to be done prior to it, and it's quite short.
- Fix government resistance modifiers (just need to enter it into the .biq, already finished)
- Run a few dozen observation games (each takes like an hour, so it can be done in a week or so)
- Check unit balances (mostly done; just a few double checks left)
- Playtest as every civ at least once
- Final touching up of Civpedia

- Optional: cleaning up file structure, since most of the Playground Mod was started when neither of us knew what we were doing, so stuff is everywhere, and redundant files and whatnot litter the place.

 

[Bluemofia]

Ok! 50 days left until release of Civ V, and the deadline for 2.0 draws closer. Some things have already changed between this version and the final release version, but meh, not significantly for the Barbarians.



Chapter 10
The Chase

A few days later...

Soccer Player 1: "Aragh! Ambush! Small children skeletons! Swarming! Slashing with axes!" *dies*
Military Advisor: "Ok, I will report to Emperor Josh that you all have been killed by a Senso Skeleton Division." *teleport runs away*





Science Advisor: "Emperor Josh! We have learned the secrets of Barbarian Rule!"
Emperor Josh: "Wait, you're learning what we've been doing all along? What have I been paying you for!?!"
Science Advisor: "No, we learned how to rule better. Better is good.




Emperor Josh: "Wait... You mean to tell me we weren't in Anarchy this whole time?"
Domestic Advisor: "You can't be Emperor in Anarchy."
Emperor Josh: "But isn't it just a fancy title?"


And so things became even more chaotic than it used to be. This chaos continued for a few days, and a slightly less chaotic situation emerged with the establishment of a Barbarian War State, promising plunder and all round profit for every Barbarian in the Empire.







Soccer Player 1: “Hey look! A city! Let’s plunder it!”
Foreign Advisor: “Ok, you can do that, because you aren’t wearing Barbarian colors. Go ahead, I’ll look the other way.”
Soccer Player 2: “Chase defenders of Chase Outpost #2! Lower your shields and surrender your ships! I mean… City! In the name of the Barbarians!”
Chase Warrior 1: “Huh? What’s that?”
Foreign Advisor: “Nothing! Nothing at all!”
Soccer Player 2: “In the name of the Barbarians! The one true ruler of the Playground! Emperor Josh! Surrender yourselves!”
Foreign Advisor: “SHUT UP!”
Soccer Player 2: “But if we can get them to surrender because of our sheer awesome, we won’t need to fight.”
Chase Warrior 1: “Well, tell your Emperor, we are now at WAR! We will never surrender to filthy savages who sleep in tents!”
Soccer Player 1: “Hey! Who’re you calling a savage?! FIGHT!!11!one!!1one”


Hundreds of feet away…

Emperor Josh: “…”
Military Advisor: “… And then they conquered the city. With the help of Anthony though.”
Emperor Josh: “So we are now at war with the Chase because the Soccer Players can’t keep their mouths shut?”
Military Advisor: “Yes.”
Emperor Josh: “…”
Foreign Advisor: “You’re really mad, aren’t you?”
Emperor Josh: “STUPID #&$*(# SOCCER PLAYERS!!!”






Foreign Advisor: “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention…”




Emperor Josh: “Sweet. Though not sweet. It is I, Emperor Josh, is the only child allowed to be the master of the Hordes! No others shall have a horde rivaling mine! It is imperative that we must construct additional Hordes!”





Many days of horde construction later…

Emperor Josh: “Status update! I want everyone to tell me what we’ve done in the past few days.”
Domestic Advisor: “We have built many workers, and have taken many slaves from the other civilized nations. We need more workers to build more infrastructure such as roads. All roads lead to Barbarian City afterall.”
Trade Advisor: “I… Um… We have sugar!”
Military Advisor:



Emperor Josh: “Sweet. Build moar hordes!”

Foreign Advisor: “We are at war with the Chase, and the war is at a standstill quagmire situation. We cannot deploy soccer players to the front fast enough. Their warriors are too quick, and often retreat from us, only to return and counter-attack and slaughter us. We can only efficiently kill them when we outnumber them two to one, and soccer player teams are expensive. Soccer jerseys aren’t cheap. We are at peace with the other civilized people. War is inevitable though, as our soccer players and Barbarian Hordes are attacking them at every chance they get.”
Culture Advisor: “Build more culture! We have your palace, and that’s it!”
Science Advisor:



Emperor Josh: “… Is this true?”
Science Advisor: “Yes sir. Out of all of the world leaders, you are the only one who hasn’t graduated from 1st grade yet.”
Emperor Josh: “… I got held back?”
Science Advisor: “Yes, didn’t you notice? You were too busy shooting enemy kids and prisoners with your AK47 than attending classes.”
Emperor Josh: “… I… I’m going to sit down now. Military Advisor? Bring me a prisoner.”
Military Advisor: “Here you are. One Chase Prisoner, fresh from the front.”
Emperor Josh: *bangbangbangbang* “There we go. All better!”
Science Advisor: “…”
Culture Advisor: “… Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We built a city here. What shall we call it?”





Will the war with the Chase conclude successfully?
Will the title of Master of Hordes be bestowed upon Emperor Josh?
Will Emperor Josh ever graduate from 1st grade?

Spoiler :

No.

Stay Tuned.

 

[Omega124]

Interesting turn of events.

I see a giant light blue nation to the northwest. Burn them to the ground!

 

[Dumanios]

He's trying already.

 

[Bluemofia]

40 days left until release! Here's an update.


Chapter 11
End of an Age

A few weeks of stalemate on the front later, Josh and Chase (the leader of the nation of Chase) finally came to speaking terms for peace. In a flashy, but largely pointless movement of troops towards a Chase city, Emperor Josh managed to secure a hefty payment of gold (cool looking rocks) from Chase, ending the quagmire of Jungle Warfare fought with child soldiers.


Emperor Josh: "Right. Freaky stalky advisors, now that we are at peace, what should we do?"
Domestic Advisor: "Go home?"
Trade Advisor: "Secure more luxuries?"
Military Advisor: "Fight with our mighty armies? Declaring war of course, is optional."
Foreign Advisor: "Make more friends?"
Cultural Advisor: "Finish up those meeting places so we can have culture? And underground tunnels with our cities. Those too."
Science Advisor: "Attend class so you won't fail 1st grade again?"
Emperor Josh: "Hmm, Cultural advisor, you're onto something. I like those tunnel ideas." "But anyhow, most importantly, in times of peace, we must prepare for war."
Military Advisor: "Aww, but I want to fight now!" "... Fine, we only have 4 teams of soccer players left anyhow... Wait, make that 3. We just lost one from a Chase attack. The rest are in retreat back to our cities."




And so every city in the Barbarian Empire began to build meeting places, in order to better train and organize the Barbarian forces, as well as places for the Barbarian bards to gather. It was a peaceful life, except for the occasional soccer player team built and sent off to amass at Das Fence.

Until...



Survivors of the Little Kid attack on The Hill. OF DOOM! have been reported crying and babbling about smaller children swarming en mass into the city, and poking/stabbing the guards, or at least anyone who looked roughly humanoid in shape, for the whereabouts of their soccer ball. No one knew, so they stole all the gold in the treasury, and disappeared into thin air as quickly as they came.

Emperor Josh reportedly was laughing at the ironic turn of events that befell the Hill. OF DOOM!









Much time later, another barbarian army was assembled, a force with a singular goal in mind: The sacking of Chase Headquarters.

Raider 1: "Aww, why did we have to give up our soccer jerseys? Wai?"
Emperor Josh: "Cause you are part of the Barbarian Horde! You should wear the glorious colors of the Barbarian Empire!"
Raider 2: "Whab about those guys over there? They aren't wearing our colors."
Emperor Josh: "Well they're different. We still need some people who aren't wearing our colors to be able to pillage and plunder from others without declaring war. Didn't you see them stab those Boy Union people in the face over there? Duh."
Anthony: "Hey guys, what's up? I got this Giant Death Robot up and running now."
Military Advisor: "But your stats haven't changed at all..."
Anthony: "Oh shut up. This GDR makes me feel pretty."








A day later, the Foreign Advisor came staggering back, clutching a stab wound in his chest.

Foreign Advisor: "The Boy Union Foreign Advisor showed up. They were pissed off that you people condone random soccer player attacks, and demanded we pay reparations. I refused, and punched him in the face. Then he drew his pistol and started to shoot at me."
Emperor Josh: "Why didn't you warp-dodge it?"
Foreign Advisor: "I did... Then he started to warp-charge after me... And stabbed me. And now I'm here. Oh, they also declared war on us. That too."
Emperor Josh: "Well, that shouldn't matter much. They're all the way over *there*. We're all the way over *here*."











A week later...

Emperor Josh: "This has to be coincidence..."



Military Advisor: "Alright, all Barbarian forces, hold position near the black rocks! We'll let them come to us, instead of charging them blindly!"
Soccer Player 1: "But I like charging them blindly. I also like stopping and taking a nap immediately after I charge someone blindly."
Military Advisor: "That's how you get killed."















Waiting a few days for the Boy Union armies to march towards the Barbarian lines, the barbarians attacked. First the raiders advanced, successfully stabbing and killing a few divisions of Boy Union warriors, while suffering moderate losses, some shot by special agents as they advanced towards the Boy Union lines. Next Anthony attacked, charging towards the Boy Union lines, guns blazing.

Boy Union Warrior 1: "Giant Death Robot!"
Anthony: "Muhahah!"
Boy Union Warrior 2: "Quick! Activate the trap!"



Anthony realized too late, that he has advanced too far into the Boy Union lines. He is now literally surrounded on all sides by thousands of Boy Warriors, all rushing towards him, waving their clubs around and screaming.

Opening fire some more, and desperately trying to escape, Anthony proceeded to trample half a dozen more soldiers before his mech was disabled with a lucky swing of a club. It crumbled to the ground, and Anthony toppled out of his mech.

Anthony: "Ohcrapocrapocrapocrapocrap"

He opened fire with his laser rifle on the 3 Boy warriors charging him, downing them instantly. Dodging a swing from a fourth, he swung his laser rifle like a bat and flung him over the horizon, as he leaped on top of his downed mech to make a last stand amongst the sea of boy warriors. He has downed hundreds already at the swarming horde, but they just keep on advancing forwards like a tsunami...


















Military Advisor: "Emperor Josh, we do not have the numbers to successfully neutralize the Boy Union army. We must fight guerrilla warfare, utilizing our raiders heavily, hitting them, and retreating back to avoid a Boy counterattack."
Emperor Josh: "Understood. Everybody, retreat a few paces, let them come to us."


Will the Boy Army be halted before they reach the Gates of Das Fence?
Will the Chase Empire be torn asunder?
Will the Barbarians recruit another crazy leader, capable of slaughtering armies by himself?

Tune in next time.

 

[Omega124]

What are we, the Soviet Union? We charge blindly and raze, not do a game of "attrition". I swear, you barbs became wimps once you guys also decided to settle down and

 

[Bluemofia]

What are we, the Soviet Union? We charge blindly and raze, not do a game of "attrition". I swear, you barbs became wimps once you guys also decided to settle down and

Psh, That's my entire army. Destroying Chase is one thing, but that doesn't stop the Boy Union from killing me off.

(I spent around a dozen or so turns fighting them, but I completely annihilated their army, which is good.)

Going to make an update sometime. Right now I'm busy implementing some tech entries and deciding whether or not to replace/touch up some units.

 

[Bluemofia]

Someday I'm going to post a bit more often than once every week...

But at least it means the Playground Mod gets worked on, as opposed to story writing.

Right?

Chapter 12
Shock and Awe

After around a month and a half of continuous fighting along the swamps and marshes of the Playground, an opening in the Boy Union lines appeared. Immediately, the Raiders and Soccer Players poured through the gap, and marched forwards into Chase Territory, smashing through the chain link fence between two Chase Outposts. The Chase army was immediately mobilized in an attempt to repel the Barbarian invaders, but their numbers were too great.

The Barbarian army had the singular goal of thrusting forwards past the Chase defenses, and assassinating Chase (the leader) in GLORIOUS combat, and will not be detered with such silly concepts such as "capturing cities" and "holding ground" that most people are concerned with, and ignored all Chase troops along the way.

After swarming past the city guards, and bursting through the doors of the capital Fortress, the Barbarian forces came upon a strange sight.



Raider 1: "Umm, why is there a strange little doll sitting on the throne over there?"
Raider 2: "Hey! Why does that doll have an action figure of me? And why is he sti-" *falls over dead*
Raider 1: "What? Raider 2! He's dead! Charge! FOR GREAT GLORY!"

Battling past the Elite palace guards, the hordes of Raiders charged forwards, suffering extremely high casualties because of voodoo magics, before finally engaging Chase himself. With a high pitched cackle, Chase withdrew a three foot long pin sticking out of his back, and hurled it like a hypersonic javelin at the oncoming Barbarian forces, cutting their ranks in half. Drawing another pin, Chase proceeded to stab the nearest Raider in the face, and ran around arms flailing wildly and stabbing more Barbarians in the face as he runs around the palace in a blood-lust frenzy.

Chase: "Nya nya, you can't catch me, for I'm the Voodoo doll man!"

...

Several hours of throwing more and more Raiders into the palace, Chase (the leader) is finally running out of room to run. The palace was filled to the brim with dead bodies of Raiders, and there was only a narrow path of ground left for him to run amongst the horde of dead bodies. But still the Raiders continued to pour in, stabbing at the increasingly desperate Chase with their spears while shouting randomly.

As Chase whirled around after stabbing a Raider through the stomach to block a spear thrust from another Raider coming from behind, the dying Raider grabbed a hold of Chase's foot as he died, throwing Chase off balance.

Upon realizing this, Chase squealed in a high pitched voice, "Oh noes!"

As he struggles to free himself, Chase tripped, and impaled himself through the chest with one of his Voodoo pins (of doom), and fell backwards, forcing more pins out through his chest, and ending his life.








Barbarian Foreign Advisor: "So like, you've heard how awesome we are. Now we've destroyed most of your army and destroyed our primary enemy, you'd better give us some compensation, or we'll march over there and take what's ours!"
Boy Union Foreign Advisor: "... Fine. Here, take one of our silly outposts. We'll go off and settle Chase's lands."
Barbarian Foreign Advisor: "And all of your money. Cause we like money."
Boy Union Foreign Advisor: "Take it! Now get out of my sight."

And so the Barbarian Army fresh from obliterating the Chase from the face of the Playground marched north to the newly acquired Boy Union outpost. There they stayed, being chaotic, barbaric, and silly. Until they got tired of not plundering, and clamored for plunder.

Emperor Josh: "Foreign Advisor, make up some excuse and declare war on the Horse. I'm bored, and I want to kill Children!"
Foreign Advisor: "How about that they are building cities too close to us?"
Emperor Josh: "That outpost in a swamp?"
Foreign Advisor: "Yeah. What's with people building cities in swamps? They know that they tend to sink into the swamp."
Emperor Josh: "Well burn it down, make it fall over, and then sink it into the swamp!"


John of the Horse: "The business of Horse is business, Josh. Let's do business together and make everybody rich."
Foreign Advisor: "Psst. The Horse think we are ******ed."
Emperor Josh: "What. That's it! Prepare for WAR!"









And then there was much rejoicing, and the Barbarian Raiders then prepared to move out in force.




The fighting was fierce at Horse Fort #4. But the Hussar was slain, and the city plundered.





Emperor Josh:












Emperor Josh: "Oh? Had enough? We've only been at it for two weeks. And you have a very weird way of comparing things... That sounds almost like you're coming on to me or something. Tell you what, I'll give you peace for this deal."



And thus concluded the Barbarian war of Boredom, ushering in a new era of massive colonization and settling, because there exists land to grab.

Will the Barbarians live long, and prosper?
Will the Barbarians successfully defeat the growing threat to the east, the scary Death Strike?
Will the other leaders stand a chance against the Barbarian tide?

Tune in next time.

 

[Bluemofia]

With under 2 weeks until Civ V, and the release of 2.0, here's another update.

Chapter 13
Pax Barbaria

Random Barbarian 1: "Emperor Josh! Emperor Josh! Come quick!"
Emperor Josh: "What is this insolence? How dare you interrupt me while I am busy watching Pokemon? This better be good you knave!"
Random Barbarian 1: "Th-th-there's a skull over there. It has glowing eyes."
Emperor Josh:
Military Advisor: "Impossible! Dead bodies disappear after a few minutes. There can't be a skull laying around."
Random Barbarian 1: "It killed Random Barbarian 3 with laser eyes as he got close to it, then cried out that it will only speak to Emperor Josh."
Military Advisor: "Wat."
Emperor Josh: "Very well. I will go speak to it. Nothing a few rounds of my AK won't solve."

As Emperor Josh approached the skull, it transformed into an ivory throne of skulls. Sitting on top of it, was Tony, leader of Death Strike.



This, only evil. And more fire.





Tony: "Peace with Death Strike comes with a price, Josh. Will you pay?"
Emperor Josh:



Tony: "You have sealed your fate."

The throne of skulls collapsed into dust, which quickly blew past Josh, off in the direction of the Death Strike lands to the west.





Emperor Josh: "Oh ho ho... I like your style! I'll kill you last. But first, I'll teach you a lesson on respect!"

Military Advisor: "Are you going to personally lead the horde this time?"
Emperor Josh: "Nah. They're not worth my time."

And so, Emperor Josh commanded his best legions of Raiders to go and destroy a few Death Strike cities as punishment for their insolence.




Emperor Josh: "So... Anarchy?" O_o
Domestic Advisor: "Almost. But not quite. We'll have to go through Anarchy to get there though."
Emperor Josh: "Fair enough. Make it happen!"






At long last, the Raiders have reached the gates of Reich Fort. The Death Strike defenders fought valiantly, slaughtering hundreds of Barbarians as Emperor Josh's forces stormed the city, fighting block by block, forcing the Barbarians to pay a heavy price for every inch they advanced.

But like how no amount of resistance can stop the sun from rising, the Death Strike defenders could not stop the Barbarian forces from sweeping them away in a blinding flurry of spears and children.





Satisfied with a major Death Strike city razed to the ground, negotiations were opened up to Tony for peace.




Emperor Josh: "Good monkey. You ensured your survival for a little bit longer. Hmm... Foreign Advisor!"
Foreign Advisor: "Yes Leader-person."
Emperor Josh: "Who haven't we bullied in a long time?"
Foreign Advisor: "The Barbarian Separatists?"
Emperor Josh: "Mmm, tempting. What do they have that we can demand?"
Foreign Advisor: "Nothing, sadly."
Emperor Josh: "Curses! Is there no one who has anything valuable we can intimidate?"
Foreign Advisor: "... Well... There is the-"
Emperor Josh: "Make it done. Demand whatever they have, and declare war on them if they don't give it."
Foreign Advisor: "Even the Teachers?"
Emperor Josh: "Of course not the teachers ye fool."





Emperor Josh: "Hmm, Soda. Hey, isn't there a source of soda in that city, Boy Outpost #9?"
Trade Advisor: "OMG YES!"
Emperor Josh: "Well, let's take it from them then."





Many city burnings took place soon after that.


During an epic battle with Boy defenders at Boy Outpost #13, a weirdo random child appeared on the battlefield.

Random Child: "Hai gaiz! Is it too late for me to burn down Chase? I fixed up Anthony's Giant Death Robot."
Barbarian Raider 1: "Umm, they died off a year ago or so."
Random Child: "... Oh. By the way, I'm Bacon. I'm looking for people to join my horde!"
Barbarian Raider 2: "The Breakfast food? And we've got plenty of those already.
Bacon: "NO! We're an Elite Core! You suddenly go from 5 health to 12 health! And you can flatten whole empires in one blow!"
Barbarian Raider 3: "... Wat?"
Bacon: "I mean, you become more awesome. You level up."
Barbarian Raider 2: "I don't BELIEVE You! Go burn down that city and its 3 divisions of guards single handedly!"
Bacon: "Psh, and you call yourselves Elite* Barbarian Raiders."



Barbarian Raider 1:




A few days later...




Foreign Advisor: "Isn't that too humiliating of a peace settlement?"
Emperor Josh: "Well, they SHOULD have just given me the soda and be done with it! And it's humiliating enough being civilized. A little bit more humiliation won't hurt."

And there concludes two very profitable wars, which brought in a large influx of slaves and gold to the Barbarian Empire.

Will Bacon's horde be the horde to end all hordes?
Will Pax Barbaria last forever?
Will we finish this story before 2.0 is released?

Tune in next time.

 

[Arexander]

Great work laying waste of all those cities!

 

[CELTICEMPIRE]

great story, i like how horse has Bahrain's flag and death strike has the Albanian one

 

[Bluemofia]

Well, 2.0 is out, and I didn't manage to finish the story prior to then.

So you will definitively notice the difference between the two if you actually DLed the mod. (weaker barbarians being the primary difference. It was really annoying balancing them, because they have to hover on a knife edge of being too weak to do anything, yet not too strong that they sweep all away)

I'll be finishing up the story... Eventually. Classes picked up just as the mod was finished, but I can guarantee that I finish the story.

Next up, Pirates. They will invade the Playground bent on doing battle with Ninjas.