baileybird
Chieftain
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2004
- Messages
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post your joke here ;)
- Thread starter baileybird
- Start date
Welcome to CFC. We have a Humor & Jokes subforum. Please post this kind of stuff there.
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Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
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steviejay
Now in Black and White!!
welcome to CFC!!
Sunday Scool Teacher: "John, please list the 10 Commandments in any order."
John: "OK. 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
Sunday Scool Teacher: "John, please list the 10 Commandments in any order."
John: "OK. 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
hello, though the amount of welcomes here it may as well be included in the joining leaving thread thing,
anyway.
A farmer is sat in his local getting drunk when the barmen wanders over,
"grateful as i am for the buissness, its a beautiful day, why arnt you outside enjoying it?"
the farmer shakes his head, "somethings you just cant explain.."
"want to talk about it?" asks the farmer sensing a problem.
"sure," replies the farmer"earlier i was sat milking my cow and just as i got the bucket full she lifted her leg over and kicked the whole lot over."
"thats not so bad" says the barman
"thats what i though" replies the farmer."after all some things you just cant explain"
"so what happened then?"
"well i took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer" but then just a few minutes later her right leg kickd the bucket over again!"
"some things you just cant explain" laughs the barman
"right" says the farmer " so i tied that leg to another post , started milking her and then her tail knocks the bucket over again"
" so what did you do?" asks the barman
" Well by this time id run out of rope" says the farmer " so i took of my belt and tied her tail to the rafter --- then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
and well some things you just cant explain."
exscuse the spelling mistakes, grammatical innacuricies and all that.
anyway.
A farmer is sat in his local getting drunk when the barmen wanders over,
"grateful as i am for the buissness, its a beautiful day, why arnt you outside enjoying it?"
the farmer shakes his head, "somethings you just cant explain.."
"want to talk about it?" asks the farmer sensing a problem.
"sure," replies the farmer"earlier i was sat milking my cow and just as i got the bucket full she lifted her leg over and kicked the whole lot over."
"thats not so bad" says the barman
"thats what i though" replies the farmer."after all some things you just cant explain"
"so what happened then?"
"well i took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer" but then just a few minutes later her right leg kickd the bucket over again!"
"some things you just cant explain" laughs the barman
"right" says the farmer " so i tied that leg to another post , started milking her and then her tail knocks the bucket over again"
" so what did you do?" asks the barman
" Well by this time id run out of rope" says the farmer " so i took of my belt and tied her tail to the rafter --- then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
and well some things you just cant explain."
exscuse the spelling mistakes, grammatical innacuricies and all that.
Quasar1011
King of Sylvania
At a ritzy hotel once, I had a nice romantic evening with my girlfriend. Anticipating room service, I asked her how she liked her eggs in the morning.
"Unfertilized!" she said.
"Unfertilized!" she said.
Funny, that's how I like my wife's, too.
/me looks at pic of five kids and pregnant wife....
/me looks at pic of five kids and pregnant wife....
Perfection
The Great Head.
Welcome baileybird, the joke I am about to tell you will be something you should remember during your stay at this forum.
What do you call a shattered mass of bones organs and blood?
Someone who displeased Perfection
What do you call a shattered mass of bones organs and blood?
Someone who displeased Perfection
Quasar1011
King of Sylvania
I hope Maria Sharapova doesn't think love is a bad thing! 
She's gotta be the most gorgeous grand slam winner since Gabriela Sabatini 
She's gotta be the most gorgeous grand slam winner since Gabriela Sabatini 
Lord_Sidious
No Fun At All
This is my joke:
In a cafeteria there were a Portuguese eating a bread and a Spanish eating a chewing gum. The Spanish asked to the Portuguese:
-You eat that whole bread?
-Yes-the portuguese answerd
-We no. In Spain we just eat the inside part of the inside, the other part we send it to a factory, tranform it to bread an export to Portugal.
-And what you do with the perservatives when you have sexual relations?
-We throw them away
-We no we send them to a factory, transform it to chewing gum and export it to Spain! 
In a cafeteria there were a Portuguese eating a bread and a Spanish eating a chewing gum. The Spanish asked to the Portuguese:
-You eat that whole bread?
-Yes-the portuguese answerd
-We no. In Spain we just eat the inside part of the inside, the other part we send it to a factory, tranform it to bread an export to Portugal.
-And what you do with the perservatives when you have sexual relations?
-We throw them away
-We no we send them to a factory, transform it to chewing gum and export it to Spain!
Lord_Sidious
No Fun At All
sorr y i'm still laugthingMAybe you have to be portuguese to find it hilarious, it did make my mouth twitch slightly however as well as me spitting my chewing gum out in fear that it was from portugal .
anyways
A bloke working in a brewery died one day after falling into a vat of beer, it was the managing directors job to inform the widow of what had occurred
"tell me" sobbed the widow"did he suffer much?"
"I dont think so"replied the boss"he managed to go to the toilet about three times."
another
a couple were driving through wales when they passed the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. they were having trouble pronouncing the word so they decided to stop for lunch in the town and maybe ask a local how to say it. as they sat down for there food, the husband leaned over to a tall young blonde girl sitting next to them.
"exscuse me"said the man"but we were wondering if you could tell us where we are. could you pronounce it really slowly for us? thanks"
he young blonde looked over at the man, happy that someone would need her help. she leans over towards him and says really slowly
"burrrrrrrrrr....gurrrrrrrr....kiiiiiiing"
Finally until i see some more
A man and woman are driving down a road when they are pulled over by a policeman. the man rolls down the window and asks if there has been a problem.
"have you been drinking, sir?" asks the policeman
"No, Why have i been driving badly officer?" asks the man
"No sir infact you've been driving quite superbly, it was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
.anyways
A bloke working in a brewery died one day after falling into a vat of beer, it was the managing directors job to inform the widow of what had occurred
"tell me" sobbed the widow"did he suffer much?"
"I dont think so"replied the boss"he managed to go to the toilet about three times."
another
a couple were driving through wales when they passed the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. they were having trouble pronouncing the word so they decided to stop for lunch in the town and maybe ask a local how to say it. as they sat down for there food, the husband leaned over to a tall young blonde girl sitting next to them.
"exscuse me"said the man"but we were wondering if you could tell us where we are. could you pronounce it really slowly for us? thanks"
he young blonde looked over at the man, happy that someone would need her help. she leans over towards him and says really slowly
"burrrrrrrrrr....gurrrrrrrr....kiiiiiiing"
Finally until i see some more
A man and woman are driving down a road when they are pulled over by a policeman. the man rolls down the window and asks if there has been a problem.
"have you been drinking, sir?" asks the policeman
"No, Why have i been driving badly officer?" asks the man
"No sir infact you've been driving quite superbly, it was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
In an Old Folks home one day, one of the elderly men approaches one of the old ladies.
'Guess how old I am.' he says
The old lady thrusts her hand down the front of his trousers and has a good grope.
'84' she replies.
'Amazing,' said the old man, 'how can you tell'
'You told me yesterday'
'Guess how old I am.' he says
The old lady thrusts her hand down the front of his trousers and has a good grope.
'84' she replies.
'Amazing,' said the old man, 'how can you tell'
'You told me yesterday'
Lord_Sidious
No Fun At All
Other joke:
A Spanish and a Cuban guy in a bar:
The cuban- You are catholic?
The Spanish- I belive but I don't practice.And you are communist?
The cuban- I practice, but I don't belive.
A Spanish and a Cuban guy in a bar:
The cuban- You are catholic?
The Spanish- I belive but I don't practice.And you are communist?
The cuban- I practice, but I don't belive.
Lord_Sidious
No Fun At All
Ah,ah...other:
In a cuban school- What is the country closest to the hell?
It's Cuba
No it's Haiti, Cuba is the hell already!
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah...!
In a cuban school- What is the country closest to the hell?
It's Cuba
No it's Haiti, Cuba is the hell already!
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah...!
Lord_Sidious
No Fun At All
ah ah ah ah!!!! and another....
Bush's car driver accidentally killed a pig. Bush told him to find the pig's owner and tell him. 2 hours later he came back with a bottle of beer in his hand smoking and cigarrette. Bush- What happened?
Car Driver-Well when I told them that the man gave me a beer, the wife a cigarette and theier daughter maked love with me.
Bush- But what did you said?
Car Driver- I said that I'm Bush's car driver and I killed the pig
and another....Bush's car driver accidentally killed a pig. Bush told him to find the pig's owner and tell him. 2 hours later he came back with a bottle of beer in his hand smoking and cigarrette. Bush- What happened?
Car Driver-Well when I told them that the man gave me a beer, the wife a cigarette and theier daughter maked love with me.
Bush- But what did you said?
Car Driver- I said that I'm Bush's car driver and I killed the pig
steviejay
Now in Black and White!!
I think nation bashing is frowned upon man, jokes and all.
Two guys are heading off to go ice fishing. Feeling an furious thirst they both head off to their favourite bar and drinks himself silly beforehand. Pulling themselves together, they head toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on their stools and cracking open some beer one of them started to cut a circular hole in the ice. All of a sudden from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, they both moved further down the ice, emptied their cans and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, they moved to the far end of the ice. Then, yet again started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' One of the drunks raises his head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
Two guys are heading off to go ice fishing. Feeling an furious thirst they both head off to their favourite bar and drinks himself silly beforehand. Pulling themselves together, they head toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on their stools and cracking open some beer one of them started to cut a circular hole in the ice. All of a sudden from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, they both moved further down the ice, emptied their cans and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, they moved to the far end of the ice. Then, yet again started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' One of the drunks raises his head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
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