Red Skelton's Tips For A Happy Marriage

[WickedSmurf]

1) Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.

2) We also sleep in separate beds. Hers in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3) I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.

4) I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our aniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6) She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7) My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "in the lake".

8) She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9) She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10) Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her

13) The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV? I
said "Dust!"

 

[allhailIndia]

14) I gave put a ring around her finger, she put a chain around my neck. The ring wasmade of gold, the chain steel.

15.We are both great listeners, except when the other is talking.

16. We found the perfect way to juggle our schedules and stay out of problems. I work in the mornings, she does the night shift.

17.We don't have to worry about the kids, social welfare took them away years ago.

18.We go out to dinner and a movie very often. Anything to keep her away from the kitchen.

 

[superslug]

19. The key to a successful marriage is to remember that it's a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

 

[Achinz]

20. "The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."

 

[The Person]

These are good.
Did you notice that I put the smilies at the top of my post this time?

 

[allhailIndia]

21.We are both happily married...to our jobs of course.

22. Our fights never last long, the neighbours call the police long before either of us reaches for the shotgun.

23.We have a marriage that will never end in a divorce. Our prenup states that whoever leaves first, gets the other's mom.

24.We share a lot of common friends, mostly those who come to our swing parties

 

[Vinaes]

Did you notice that I put the smilies at the top of my post this time?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I did
;-)

 

[allhailIndia]

1.I have no problems with my mother in law..... when the cruel old b!tch is 6 feet under!

2.My wife's cooking is great! I have used it to keep the rat population in our house down very successfully.

 

[The Person]

Originally posted by The Person


These are good.
Did you notice that I put the smilies at the top of my post this time?

Wow, I can quote myself. And the listed smilies are still applicable, and they say more than words.At least someone notices. Thank you, Vinaes!

 

[Achinz]

25. "In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved".

26. "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished".

 

[Yaniv]

27: My wife is absoultely great. At least, thats what all the guys in the nieghborhood are saying.

 

[CIVPhilzilla]

double post my bad.

 

[CIVPhilzilla]

these are great.

 

[Achinz]

Another collection from various sources:

Marriage is

an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.

is not a word, but a sentence;

in Japanese is called "Judo" - the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear";

is much like a pair of shears, joined so that the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them;

an event which is called "tying the knot" - unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;

a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";

 

[The Outsider]

Here's one, "Marriage is a wonderful institution, that is if you don't mind being in an institution.