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Roll to Dodge Spontaneous Edition

Action: I invest 10 million dollars in the Greek name generator business, seems like it's booming.

After closing the show I finally have some time to play ULTIMATE Roll to Dodge Elimination as well.

Takhisis - 70 (+1) Say hi to Aggeliki for me.
DoubleA - 98 (-2) You're just sitting at home anyway.

Gurra09 - 100
Edmund Ironside - 51
 
Since the Takh-cave is really just a cave that I found near a tourist hotspot where I could occasionally piggyback on their wi-fi, I just let my previous water affinities take over and follow the underground stream to her main river.
 
Action: I offer the ultimate assassin the use of my epi-pen in return for their undying loyalty.
 
Action: I invest 10 million dollars in the Greek name generator business, seems like it's booming.

After closing the show I finally have some time to play ULTIMATE Roll to Dodge Elimination as well.

Takhisis - 70 (+1) Say hi to Aggeliki for me.
DoubleA - 98 (-2) You're just sitting at home anyway.

Gurra09 - 100
Edmund Ironside - 51

1: You talk a big talk about your Greek name generator business. It is a terrible idea and you end up giving all $10,000,000 to a con artist who promptly flees to the Bahamas. The only thing you gain from this disaster is a permanent -2 penalty to resisting scams.

Since the Takh-cave is really just a cave that I found near a tourist hotspot where I could occasionally piggyback on their wi-fi, I just let my previous water affinities take over and follow the underground stream to her main river.

20: Boy howdy do you let your previous water affinities take over! Ryūjin (male Japanese water deity who is female now because Fate/Stay Night) teleports from the previous games and blesses you again. Your “Blessings of Aggeliki the Nymph” (+2 to fighting fires) is upgraded to “Blessings of Various Water Spirits” (+4 to water bending, Counts as a Divine Being). Also you can breathe underwater now.

You are taken to a large system of underwater rivers that can transport you to pretty much anywhere in Argentina.

Action: I offer the ultimate assassin the use of my epi-pen in return for their undying loyalty.

2: An out of context video of you standing over a guy dying of an epileptic fit and demanding his “undying loyalty” (whatever that means) is posted on TikTok. Its a bad look. You are Cancelled on TikTok! (-1 vs Zoomers).

After the Zoomers realise they will get an extremely cool prize if they kill you, they decide to organise a mob to tear you limb from limb. While Zoomers may be young, they are extremely young and extremely motivated to get you. Your Ninja Monkey training tells you you have two turns before the Zoomer advanced guard reaches CivFanatics HQ (which is located in New Jersey of all places, I am just going to say it is located in Newark, New Jersey). You probably want to get the heck out of dodge before then, once the advanced guard arrives there will be no stopping the unstoppable tide of Zoomers from crowding you…

The ULTIMATE Assassin desperately tries to stay alive.

13: The ULTIMATE Assassin convinces the guy who filmed the TikTok to drive him to Saint Michael's Medical Center where they give him the appropriate medical treatment to stay alive. He is going to need to spend 7 turns in recovery so Edmund will have a lot of time to recover from his shenanigans.
 
I need to find out who sent the ULTIMATE assassin and who put a bounty on my head. I feel the individual responsible might be some kind of bovine karate champion.
Action: Leave Newark, New Jersey (what a dump that place is anyway) before the Zoomers arrive and Seek the ULTIMATE boss.
 
(OOC: I should definitely get hold of Ciruelo and have him draw us the water dragon)


ACTION: I resume my journey towards the Oracle.
 
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The Bahamas sounds nice. Roll to Dodge: The Musical shall go on a Caribbean tour, starting in Nassau.

Takhisis - 71 (+1) I support your journey
DoubleA - 98
Gurra09 - 100
Edmund Ironside - 41 (-2) I don't want the zoomers to cancel me
 
OOC:
Ryūjin (male Japanese water deity who is female now because Fate/Stay Night) teleports from the previous games
Just for the record, here we are…
Sentiment: Ryūjin having helped me, I now join heroic Aleks-san in organising nuclear disarmament. It is what bushidō declares to be proper.

Action: submit petition to Nippon government to organise worldwide pacifist antinuclear movement. I know that the Dragon Goddess of the Sea will agree with this.
Ryūjin was already the Dragon Goddess of the Sea!
 
All you've done is remind me that I haven't played enough Fate/Stay Night.
 
I need to find out who sent the ULTIMATE assassin and who put a bounty on my head. I feel the individual responsible might be some kind of bovine karate champion.
Action: Leave Newark, New Jersey (what a dump that place is anyway) before the Zoomers arrive and Seek the ULTIMATE boss.

(20) 19: You have a flash of insight and realise to uncover the conspiracy lodged against you you must seek the Oracle. You immediately realise that the Oracle lives in Buenos Ares (it was obvious, you wonder why it took Takhisis so many turns to realise it) and you get over to JFK International Airport in record time. Due to a fortunate computer glitch, you are booked into First Class where you are given a complementary blood transfusion and first aid, removing the bleeding and the related roll penalty. The on-plane nurse advises you to seek medical attention to get back to full health however.

Its going to take a turn to get to Buenos Ares, giving you an opportunity to plan your next move or take full advantage of the first class amenities on the plane (+1 to taking advantage of first class amenities, 1 turn).

New Quest - Get to the Oracle of Buenos Ares!

(OOC: I should definitely get hold of Ciruelo and have him draw us the water dragon)


ACTION: I resume my journey towards the Oracle.

(19) 22: You navigate the underwater river network with ease, your water bending powers more than compensating for your sprained ankle. You leave the rivers, enter the Buenos Ares sewer system and emerge out of the Oracle’s toilet.

“Welcome Takhisis!” she says “I have been expecting you, I have laid out a towel for a shower and a clean set of clothes and I would recommend taking a shower.” After washing the sewage off of you and changing into the clean clothes (they fit perfectly and are exactly in your style), she invites you into her living room. She wears a cloak, obscuring her face and her walls are covered in anime femboys (this is Buenos Ares after all).

She explains to you that your ultimate enemy is Rupert Murdoch, his aim is to take control of all die rolls in Roll to Dodge making him akin to a God! Even worse he is a powerful stand user, between that and his ownership of NewsCorp makes him one of the most powerful beings on the planet. (Murdoch’s Stand 「ITS ALL PROPAGANDA」- allows him to bend reality as a free action by printing a headline in all his newspapers, tanks NewsCorp share price in proportion to the extent of the bend).

Luckily the Oracle has provided you with extremely overpowered items to aid in your quest. Firstly she uses a full restore spell to heal you to full health and removing your sprained ankle. She gives you a set of armour of Dō-maru blessed with anti-Murdoch magicks (+1 defence, +1 defence vs the Murdochs), removing your no armour penalty.

She brings your stand 「JAN HAMMER」 in from one of the earlier games (+1 to Stand Battles, +1 to summoning cats, All cats are friendly to you).

Finally she gives you a pair of goggles that gives you limited future sight (+1 to all actions).

“This might seem like a lot of overpowered stuff, but you rolled really well and Murdoch is very powerful! It is balanced.” the Oracle assures you.

The Oracle emphasises how important it is that you bring Edmund Ironside to her. She says that there is no future that she can foresee where you defeat Murdoch without Edmund by your side.

New Quest: Defeat Rupert Murdoch!
New Quest: Bring Edmund Ironside to the Oracle!

ENTER STAGE RIGHT RUPERT MURDOCH!!!

“Oracle, you have been a constant thorn in my side, but you shall not interfere with my plans any longer!” Rupert Murdoch says evilly while in his secret base.

Action: Rupert Murdoch directs his goons at NewsCorp to publish a biting expose on the connections between the Oracle, Takhisis and noted anti-Zoomer Edmund Ironside!

(18) 16: Unfortunately, there is no defence against the truth! Both the Oracle and Takhisis are quickly cancelled on TikTok (-1 vs Zoomers) and the Zoomer advanced scouts will arrive at the Oracle’s house in 10 turns. The Oracle really doesn’t want to be there when they get there.

BREAKING NEWS: THERE IS A ZOOMER IN THE ORACLE’S HOUSE ALREADY

(NewsCorp net worth -$10,000,000)

God damn that ability is going to be annoying! A enraged 20-year old femboy materialises in front of the Oracle (this is Buenos Ares after all). Luckily the rest of the Zoomer horde is still ten turns away, but this escalates the situation a lot. Takhisis, you’re going to have to protect her! ROLL TO BODYGUARD!!!

(19) 20: The Femboy is mesmerised by all the cool femboy art splattered across the wall and decides to admire the artwork instead of participating in the game any further.

The Bahamas sounds nice. Roll to Dodge: The Musical shall go on a Caribbean tour, starting in Nassau.

Takhisis - 71 (+1) I support your journey
DoubleA - 98
Gurra09 - 100
Edmund Ironside - 41 (-2) I don't want the zoomers to cancel me

(2) 3: You do a rip-roaring tour all across the Caribbean, allowing you to recoup your lost $10,000,000. But on the last leg of the tour your agent books you in the worst possible location - Cryptoland!!! Oh no!!!

Connie the Coin immediately tries to scam you! ROLL TO DODGE!!!

(12) 9: Connie the Coin manages to scam you out of $1,500,000 right away with a song and dance number about how seagull thinking that NFTs are a really great idea.
 
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I'm gonna read the WikiHow article "How to Avoid Scams (with Pictures)"

Edit: I almost forgot to play ULTIMATE Roll to Dodge Elimination.

Takhisis - 102
DoubleA - 99 (+1)
Gurra09 - 100
Edmund Ironside - 39 (-2)
 
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Action: While on the plane to Buenos Aires I book myself a stay at the monastery of the 'Order of Wen the Eternally Surprised' which is renowned for its knowledge of healing and ancient mysteries.
 
Action: I calmly explain to the currently mesmerised Zoomer how Murdoch would ban all femboys.
 
I'm gonna read the WikiHow article "How to Avoid Scams (with Pictures)"

Edit: I almost forgot to play ULTIMATE Roll to Dodge Elimination.

Takhisis - 102
DoubleA - 99 (+1)
Gurra09 - 100
Edmund Ironside - 39 (-2)

5: Crypto Island’s internet is redirected through Connie’s blockchain, it redirects you to a website that recommends you give all your money to Connie. (Penalty vs scams increased by 1).

Connie tries to scam you out of the rest of your money! ROLL TO DODGE!!!

(4) 0: Oh no! The web page was too convincing! You traded your entire fortune for an NFT invite to the Vladimir Club which was actually a really bad motel.

“Well that’s not too bad there’s no mechanical penalties to having no money” you think to yourself. Untrue! The reincarnation of Margret Thatcher is on the island and she hates poor people so much she has a +5 bonus to killing them. And she smells the poor on you! ROLL TO DODGE!!!

(19) 14: Your dancing training comes in handy as you pirouette out of the way of Thatcher’s devastating smash! You have unlocked defensive dancing! (Dancing bonuses now apply to dodge rolls).

Action: While on the plane to Buenos Aires I book myself a stay at the monastery of the 'Order of Wen the Eternally Surprised' which is renowned for its knowledge of healing and ancient mysteries.

(16) 17: You successfully book the deluxe package stay at the monastery using $15,000 of the money that Connie stole from Gurra (another fortunate computer glitch) for three turns. At their rate of 21 HP healing/turn you should be completely healed by the time you need to leave.

You meet a monk at the airport holding a whiteboard that says “EDMUND IRONSIDE” and he drives you to the monastery.

Action: I calmly explain to the currently mesmerised Zoomer how Murdoch would ban all femboys.

(19) 19: The Femboy is actually a Catboy and your stand (plus the fact that Murdoch sucks) makes it trivially easy to convince him to join your party!

The Oracle tries to predict what evil nonsense Murdoch will get up to this turn

(8) 9: She sees what is coming but there is absolutely nothing she can do to prevent it.

“I’ve got to prevent Edmund Ironside from meeting the Oracle” Rupert Murdoch says. He sells some NewsCorp stock to fund research that will eliminate the ULTIMATE Assassin’s banana allergy.

18: The mass stock sell tanks $10,000,000 worth of NewsCorp stock but it funds enough research to cure the ULTIMATE Assassin’s allergy! He still has a lengthy hospital stay to get through however.

BREAKING NEWS: VLADIMIR CLUB TELEPORTS ABOVE ORACLE’S HOUSE AND THEN FALLS TO THE GROUND BECAUSE GRAVITY!

NewsCorp’s net worth tumbles by $2,000,000,000 under the weight of this massive reality shift. Almost everyone, ROLL TO DODGE!!!

Takhisis: (15) 19: You avoid the collapsing architecture and help the Oracle and the Friendly Catboy avoid harm (+1 to their next dodge rolls).

Gurra09: (19) 20: Wow! Nice moves! Your Triple Threat bonus increases by +1 and Thatcher is so impressed she is going to take a -1 penalty to her next attack vs you!

Oracle: (11) 13: She foresaw Takhisis her tackling out of the way of a falling pillar, she’s fine.

Friendly Catboy: (7) 10: A small brick bonks him on the head for 10 HP damage!

Connie: (9) 10: lol same (-10 HP)

Tatcher: 10: lol same (-10 HP)

That wasn’t a lot of bang for Murdoch’s buck, but the utter chaos of Vladimir Club and all its members crashing into the Oracle’s house is going to make life hell for everyone in that area very soon.

The New York Zoomers mobilise in CivFanatic HQ and find nary a trace of Edmund. They attempt to track him down. ROLL TO DODGE BEING DOXXED!!!

(19) 19: Bad News: The Zoomers still want your blood and have mobilised a second Zoomer Brigade in Buenos Ares to hunt you down. Good News: The Zoomers have all distracted by some tedious drama in the true crime fandom, meaning that it will take a whopping 13 turns to mobilise at the Monastery and in addition the Zoomers targeting Takhisis have been delayed for an additional 5 turns. Hopefully by the time they get to the Monastery or the Oracle’s house both of you will be long gone. The Zoomer menace has been pacified, for now.
 
I will dance my way to the Falkland Islands so I can plant an Argentinian flag there just to spite Thatcher.
 
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I invoke the blessings of the Dragon Goddess of the Sea upon our friendly catboy! He shall spread the message of peace amid all communities.
I also decide to go see the Dragon Goddess of the Sea in person, to deliver unto her the Oracle for custody.

(OOC: is she the Oracle from the Matrix films?)
 
I go to the vast library at the monastery of the 'Order of Wen the Eternally Surprised.' Where they have books on vast range of subjects such as time travel, how to find oracles, the best tropical fruit for self defense, how to learn cattle kungfu, the art of impressing zoomers, and even a copy of The Man Who Owns the News: Inside the Secret World of Rupert Murdoch', They even have a copy of 'the art of the deal' which they use for swatting flys.
 
Apologies for the absence, I got really ill. That's also why I forgot to update the stats page. Feeling a little better.
I will dance my way to the Falkland Islands so I can plant an Argentinian flag there just to spite Thatcher.

(20) 23: You do that, which makes Margret Thatcher so angry that she spontaneously combusts and dies. Also the Islas Malvinas are now under Argentinian control because of your actions.

I invoke the blessings of the Dragon Goddess of the Sea upon our friendly catboy! He shall spread the message of peace amid all communities.
I also decide to go see the Dragon Goddess of the Sea in person, to deliver unto her the Oracle for custody.

(OOC: is she the Oracle from the Matrix films?)

1: Dr Hax is livid. Attempting to do two actions in a single turn and attempting to apply a completely irrelevant bonus to an action? You have allowed your eyes to grow arrogant and rude and for this Dr Hax manifests in this reality to take you on a trip to punish land. ROLL TO DODGE!!!

(1) 1: Dr Hax unleashes a bombardment of computers on you and your allies! (You: -18 HP, Oracle: -16 HP, Catboy: -15 HP).

The Oracle attempts to calm Dr Hax down:

(9) 10: No dice.

The Friendly Catboy attempts to douse his claws in hemlock as killing people with poision is objectively the most feminine way of killing people.

(14) 16: Poisoned claws equipped! They are quite potent (+2 combat, can apply femininity bonuses) but also they make him quite sick (-1 to physical actions).

Next turn he will attack Dr Hax!

OOC: She can be if you want her to be.

I go to the vast library at the monastery of the 'Order of Wen the Eternally Surprised.' Where they have books on vast range of subjects such as time travel, how to find oracles, the best tropical fruit for self defense, how to learn cattle kungfu, the art of impressing zoomers, and even a copy of The Man Who Owns the News: Inside the Secret World of Rupert Murdoch', They even have a copy of 'the art of the deal' which they use for swatting flys.

19: Rewards from your research inquiries:
  • NC is not doing time travel again unless you ask them really nicely.
  • You already know where the Oracle is, NC established this a few updates ago. You just have to go there!
  • You know cattle kungfu (+1 to unarmed combat)
  • You learn the best way to talk to Zoomers and you make an apology TikTok. Considering the Zoomers were mostly distracted by arguing about true crime and the moment had past already plus all that stuff about Murdoch and Thatcher (talk about "yikes") they readily accept it. The Zoomers forgive the R2R crew, everyone is uncancelled and the Zoomers (other than the friendly catboy) demobilise.
You get very sleepy before you manage to get to the Murdoch-related stuff. Aren't you meant to be resting and recovering anyway? Maybe you should have a nap (-1 to all rolls until you have a snooze).

Connie the Coin realises that Takhisis has a bunch of cool items. Its conning time! ROLL TO DODGE SCAMS!!!

(14) 14: Luckily Takhisis is too distracted by all the flying computers to pay attention to Connie's antics.

Rupert Murdoch attempts to speed up the ULTIMATE Assassin's healing process with money.

10: The Doctors tell him that there's no way to speed up the human healing process. Or is there...?

BREAKING NEWS: THE ULTIMATE ASSASSIN MAKES A MIRACULOUS RECOVERY!

NewsCorp's value tumbles by $600,000,000 but reality is reshaped and the ULTIMATE Assassin makes a full recovery and resumes his mission!

The ULTIMATE Assassin uses Murdoch's information network to determine where Edmund Ironside is. ROLL TO DODGE DOXXING!!!

(19) 20: Where you are is no public secret due to your TikTok, but all flights to Buenos Ares have been cancelled due to all the reality bending. He's going to have to catch the bus, which will take 20 turns! [insert sad trombone sound effect here]
 
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