short prose piece

[Kyriakos]

I translated a very short prose piece i have written some time ago, and would be interested in reading how people find it

A pre-occupation

I am accostumed, ofcourse, to spend my time, at night, lieing on the carpet, supporting my head from the chin onto the cross-placed on the carpet elbows, and then look at my toys, one cyclops and one green dragon, the one turned towards the other. How i have only these two toys left i do not remember however, since i had more, but even the cyclops and the green dragon are parts of a larger game-set which also included human warriors, but they too are now lost. They wouldnt have been, naturally, able to secure victory on their own, since anything such would have meant the defeat of either the cyclops or the dragon, and this couldnt be managed autonomously by the warriors. They are, definately, savage warriors, vikings and huns, but savagery by itself will not guarantee them any essential power in the game, which is why i was sending them to far-away positions in the carpet, to marches on never-ending steppe, but also turned there so as to look at them since i was sadenned by the fact that even from that distance one of them might be looking up to the part of the carpet where the cyclops was at large, or the green dragon, and so wouldnt even now be able to be considered as trully safe in this world. For this reason every now and then i turned to the warriors so as to establish whether my still lieing down on the carpet body was blocking their view of the other two.

 

[Birdjaguar]

As a translation into English, it needs polishing for spelling, punctuation and grammar, but I'm not sure that is what you are asking for. If it is let me know. As a remembrance of things past, I like it a lot.

 

[jeriko one]

That`s great. I sometimes think about my childhood too. (As you may see in the childhood cartoons thread) Fortunately, I keep most of my toys.

BTW, I think you like long sentences. I like that.

 

[Rambuchan]

I agree with Birdjaguar that it needs some polishing up, but that's no big deal. I disagree with jeriko_one wrt to the long sentences. I think you break up and emphasis certain sections of your sentences very well, with commas, of course. But you take it a bit too far for my liking.

As for the content of the piece, well I like it and can certainly relate to it. It's always great to know that I wasn't the only crazy one with my own toys, if you see my meaning. However, it's a bit too short and doesn't go anywhere. I guess that's the OT posting format to blame (having to keep it brief). But as a sketch of a mood and mindset, it's spot on!

 

[Till]

I found the long sentences give the story a dreamy feeling, which suits the topic of childhood memories well, in my opinion. The preference on sentence lenght might be a cultural thing. I remember how i was told to use short sentences in my English class, and to use long ones in the German one.

 

[Kyriakos]

Ty for the comments
Yes, i like long sentences and try to create an encircling atmosphere with them, although i do not manage to do that as well as i would i like to always...
I had most of my toys taken away sadly This was part of why i was so much involved with computer games when i bought my first computer: computer games didnt take physical space and so couldnt be taken away either.