Thorvald of Lym
A Little Sketchy
While this still clocks in under 20K characters by WordPad reckoning, I don't want to press my luck and the flight of the Falcon yields a good breaking point. I'll probably wrap this up in the next week or two; I've been waiting to do that scene almost since this whole project started. 
Almost there...
Back in the cell, Farnsworth had awoken and Arkady was trying to suit him up. It wasn't easy: the clothes had practically been pulled apart at the seams, and whatever struck the gentleman had paralyzed his limbs, meaning the werewolf pretty much had to dress him himself. "Oh yes," Farnsworth gushed as Arkady fixed the right sleeve, "That's very good! I like that!—Oh! Something's not right, because now I can't see!" Arkady rolled his eyes, jerking the jacket down past the gentleman's head. "Oh? Oh, oh that's much better!—Wait!" He looked down, "Wait! Ohh my! What have you done?! I'm... backwards!" Arkady broke down into childish giggles; poor Farnsworth had been dressed the wrong way 'round. "I can't face the old club like this! " the distraught peer cried, "If Montefiore saw me now I'd never hear the end of—" With a gentle pinch to his collar, the first mate knocked him out.
The cell door opened and two shock troopers entered, dumping Fegelein's limp body before storming out. Arkady lay Farnsworth down before dashing over to help him up. "And the bars don't even open for another hour," he cracked.
"I feel terrible," the officer stated matter-of-factly.
"You look it." Deploying a cell bed from the wall he gently helped Fegelein lie down. Seconds later the door opened again and Kaiser was thrown inside, stripped back down to her flight suit.
After finding her balance she knelt down at Fegelein's side, stroking his forehead consolingly. "Why are they doing this?" she sighed.
"Scheiße und kichern," he said simply. "Not like they asked any questions." Kaiser kissed his forehead before laying her own cheek against it.
The door opened again. "Heads up," muttered Arkady. Two of the blue-suited security staff entered, followed by hoplitejoe.
"HJ," Kaiser warned. She helped Fegelein sit up as the administrator strode into the middle of the room, guards taking post on either side. Arkady let loose an animalistic snarl that froze him in his tracks.
"How nice of you to drop in—" sneered the Obergruppenführer.
"Shut up and listen," HJ cut in. "Now, Lackarse agreed to turn Kaiser and Arkady over to me."
"Over to you?"
"They'll have to stay here, but at least they'll be safe."
"What about Fegelein?" she asked.
"Lackarse is giving him to the bounty hunter."
"Lackarse wants us all dead!" she huffed.
"He doesn't want you at all!" he snapped, "He's after somebody called, uh—Christos."
Fegelein straightened up. "Chris?"
"Lord Lackarse has set a trap for him!" he explained.
"And we're the bait!" Kaiser exclaimed.
"Yeah, well, he's on his way."
"Perfect," growled Fegelein, rising to his feet, "You fixed this all real good, didn't you?" HJ grumbled, rolling his head. "Mein Freund—!"
Fegelein swung a right hook into HJ's face, sending him stumbling backwards. Instantly one guard drew a baton and beat him to the ground. "Stop!" HJ barked. Kaiser rushed over to Fegelein's side while HJ replaced his cape.
The other guard kept his pistol trained on Arkady "Oh, sure, profile the non-human," he sang.
"I've done all I can," HJ sighed, "I'm sorry I couldn't do better, but I've got my own problems."
"Yeah," hissed the officer, "You're a real white knight." HJ glowered for a moment, then sped out of the cell, the guards quickly following.
Arkady rushed over to help his battered captain to his feet. "And people wonder why we hate Tumblr," he muttered.
Fegelein winced, too sore to move, and the first mate backed off. "You certainly have a way with people," Kaiser grinned ruefully. Getting to her feet she crossed to his other side and they tried hoisting him again.
In the station's lower levels, Lackarse inspected a large industrial contraption as shyguys shuttled back and forth, tinkering with its various controls and pipes. A circular walkway ringed a large hole whose floor, illuminated by long orange lights, was blanketed by a dull grey fog. "THIS FACILITY IS CRUDE, BUT IT SHOULD BE ADEQUATE TO FREEZE CHRISTOS FOR HIS JOURNEY TO THE EMPORER."
"Lord Lackarse!" called Tyo, hurrying over, "Ship approaching, X-wing class."
"GOOD. MONITOR CHRISTOS AND ALLOW HIM TO LAND."
"Lord Lackarse," HJ started as Tyo marched off, "We only use hiatuses for game threads. You put him in there, it might kill him."
"I DO NOT WANT THE EMPORER'S PRIZE DAMAGED," Lackarse concurred. "WE WILL TEST IT... ON GRUPPENFÜHRER FEGELEIN." HJ stopped dead in his tracks. A shock trooper elbowed past him, trailing the Dork Lord.
Oblivious to the impending peril, Chris sailed through the planet's upper atmosphere, cresting a cloud column and coming into site of the station.
Our Heroes were marched under armed guard up a gangplank toward the freezing chamber. Farnsworth had regained mobility in his arms but his legs were still numb, so he was strapped to Arkady's back; having been summoned before his tailoring was complete, he was also left, literally, half-dressed. "If only you'd repaired my trousers," he wailed, "I wouldn't be in this ridiculous position! ...Now remember, Arkady: you have a responsibility to me, so don't do anything foolish!"
As the prisoners were brought before the chamber, Lackarse descended from the opposite end. Fegelein leaned forward to where HJ was standing. "What's goin' on, Kamerad?"
"You're being put on hiatus," he muttered.
"What if he doesn't survive?" the merc asked Lackarse, "He's worth a lot to me."
"THE EMPIRE WILL COMPENSATE YOU IF HE DIES." Little did he know, the merc had a history of the Emporer refusing to honour his title deeds. Lackarse raised his arm. "PUT HIM IN."
"Over my dead body!" screamed Arkady. He began swinging wildly, knocking the nearby shock troopers off the platform and into I honestly have no clue what's below, but if it's anything like those arbitrary rail-less canyons in the Doom Sphere... "No!" wailed Farnsworth, "Nonono! Stop!" The merc shouldered his rifle but Lackarse pushed it down. "Arkady, stop!"
"Stop, Arkady!" Fegelein barked, "Stop!"
"—Yes, stop, Please! I'm not ready to die!"
"HEY! Hey! Listen to me!" Fegelein threw himself face to face with his lieutenant as the shock troopers bound his arms. "Arkady! Arkady, this won't help me! HEY! Save your strength. There'll be another time." Lackarse watched the scene with clear interest; noticing, Kaiser instinctively backed away. "The Princess! You have to take care of her!" The werewolf's jaw was trembling and he couldn't meet the man's gaze. Kaiser came up beside him, taking his paw in her hand. "You hear me? Huh?"
"...Aye-aye, sir," he mumbled.
Kaiser turned to Fegelein and they leaned in to a kiss, only for the guards to tear him away to a raised dias in the middle of the platform. Regardless of their private thoughts on the Emporer's anti-heterosexual stigma, there was protocol to uphold. "I love you," she called.
"I know," he grinned wanly.
Two shyguys made last-minute inspections of his bindings, uncuffing his hands, and the platform began to descend. HJ's eyes darted from Fegelein to the Princess; they held each other's gaze until, reaching the bottom, Lackarse nodded to a technician and Fegelein was enveloped in a cloud of smoke that billowed straight up and between the grilles of the floor. "What—what's going on?" asked Farnsworth, "Turn 'round! Arkady, I can't see!" A giant four-pronged claw descended from the ceiling and into the pit. There was a high-pitched whine and a sound like ice cracking; HJ watched nervously. The claw retracted, bearing a large dark-grey pillar not unlike the monoliths from 2001: A Space Odyssey, a set of computer controls embedded along its left side. Kaiser and Arkady instinctively clutched each other as they beheld its front face. Two shyguys shuffled up and pushed it over; it slammed to the ground with a metallic thud. Kaiser buried herself even deeper into Arkady's arm; rising out of the slab like a marble sculpture was Fegelein's profile. Even with the risk of imminent death his head and shoulders conveyed a defiant nonchalance. HJ looked from the block to Kaiser apprehensively; she was biting her lip and clearly trying not to break down into tears. He gingerly stepped over to the far side and knelt down to read the computer panel.
As Arkady turned to cradle the Princess, Farnsworth finally saw the scene. "Ohhh, they've put him on hiatus! He should be quite well-protected!" His face fell. "...If he survived the freezing process, that is..."
"WELL, HOPLITEJOE," called Lackarse, "DID HE SURVIVE?"
"Yes, he's alive..." he breathed, "And in perfect hibernation."
Lackarse turned to the freebooter. "HE'S ALL YOURS, BOUNTY HUNTER."
"Mercenary," he bowed, gritting his teeth.
"RESET THE CHAMBER FOR CHRISTOS."
An unnamed officer who we'll probably never see again strode in. "christos200 had just landed, milord."
"GOOD. SEE TO IT THAT HE FINDS HIS WAY IN HERE."
Straightening up, HJ crossed over to the trio; he tried to take Kaiser's arm but she, still not breaking her gaze, roughly shook him off, Arkady growling defensively. "HOPLITEJOE," called the Dork Lord, and he spun around, "TAKE THE PRINCESS AND THE WEREWOLF TO MY SHIP."
"You said they'd be left in this city under my supervision!"
"I AM ALTERING THE DEAL." With a sinister tone, he added: "PRAY I DON'T ALTER IT ANY FURTHER."
Lackarse marched off; HJ balled his hand into a fist before turning back to Kaiser, who still only looked upon the slab in mourning. He slowly turned his head to his aide, whose eyes locked on in an instant.
----------------
The halls were deserted and eerily quiet. Well—quiet as they could be with the constant background thump of techno muzak from the more assertive ads. Chris plodded along the corridors, handgun drawn, Jenkins sneaking along behind him. As the boy rounded a corner he nearly tripped over himself as he caught sight of the mercenary leading Fegel-on-Ice... which apparently could hover in mid-air. Huh. When the escorts were out of sight he sprinted after them, only to see them disappear around the bend. Jenkins strode up, whistling a flurry of notes, but Chris waved him off.
The boy peeked his head around the corner and nearly lost it as the merc opened fire, sending him reeling for cover. As the attacker withdrew, Jenkins urged Chris to seize the advantage, which he... didn't. Attracted by the noise, further down the hall Princess Kaiser glanced over her shoulder while hoplitejoe stealthily punched in a code on his wrist-computer. Somewhere else in the station, his cyborg minion awoke.
Finally working up the courage to save the day, Chris leaped from his corner and sprinted down the hall. Forgetting LCD screens were still susceptible to sunlight and could therefore register a shadow, as he rounded a bend an Imperial officer noticed and signalled to his squad. The shock troopers opened fire as the officer grabbed Kaiser as a human shield, scuttling across a small plaza as the boy struggled to retaliate.
"Fancy a Greek giving us a bailout!" called Arkady.
"Chris!" screamed Kaiser, "Chris, don't! It's a trap!" He poked his head around and nearly got it blown off. "It's a trap!" she repeated, before being dragged down another hall.
Firefight over, the boy skulked over to where the parade had exeunted. When no further shots followed he replaced his gun and slid into an unusually dark, ad-free corridor. Jenkins whistled after him, but before he could cross the threshold a door slid shut.
Meanwhile, a manhole opened and Chris was elevated into the hiatus chamber. He looked around warily, gun drawn, stepping forward. The moment his foot left the platform the port sealed shut behind him. He took a moment to ponder this might not have been the best-laid plan. Just as he lowered his firearm, overhead lights turned on and the walkway lit up and a respirator echoed through the facility. "THE FARCE IS WITH YOU, YOUNG CHRISTOS," boomed a voice; Chris spun around to behold the silhouette of Darth Lackarse behind him. "BUT YOU ARE NOT A CHEDDAI YET."
There was fear, yes, but also overwhelming pride. Almost instinctively, Chris ascended the stairs to where the Dork Lord stood waiting. Holstering his gun he took a moment to strike a nonchalant pose, then with rapid speed drew and ignited his plasma foil. Lackarse calmly activated his own blade, holding it forth.
A second passed.
Another.
Chris took a right swing, which Lackarse effortlessly parried. He swung straight down, two-handed, but Lackarse's blade caught the attack and pushed him back, sending the boy to the floor. The Dork Lord stood by as Chris struggled to his feet. He advanced; Lackarse retreated. He advanced again; Lackarse withdrew. With a scream Chris launched a triad of strikes, each intercepted, before Lackarse started striking himself, the boy only barely blocking in time. Chris ducked as Lackarse made a lateral swing, slicing through a nearby pillar.
Meanwhile, the royal escort proceeded down the hall. As it passed an intersection, the station security surrounded the troopers, guns drawn. Pulling the Imperial officer aside, hoplitejoe began collecting the shock troopers' blasters. "What a tweest!" Arkady remarked. Kaiser looked around in confusion.
"Well done." HJ handed the weapons to the cyborg. "Hold them in the Mandatory Fun Tower," he instructed, "And keep it quiet." As the detachment marched away, HJ handed two more guns to Kaiser before uncuffing the werewolf.
"What do you think you're doing?!" the Princess snapped.
"We're getting out of here."
"I knew all along," Farnsworth said matter-of-factly, "It had to be a mistake."
"You think that after what you did to Fegelein that we're gonna—"
"PSYCH!" exclaimed Arkady, grabbing HJ by the throat.
"I had no choice!" he wheezed.
"What are you doing?!" wailed the gentleman, "Trust him! Trust him!!"
"Oh!" Kaiser sneered, "So we understand, don't we, Arkady? He had no choice!"
"Just try'na help—!" he choked, falling to his knees.
"SJWs always think they are," Arkady scoffed.
"We don't need any of your 'help'."
"Fe—" HJ coughed, "E-e-e—!"
"You laughin' at me?" muttered the werewolf in his best Robert De Niro impression.
HJ struggled to clear his windpipe. "Fe—! E-e-e—!" he repeated.
"—I don't see anyone else here; you laughin' at me??"
"What?" asked Kaiser, leaning forward.
"Fe-e-eg!"
"It sounds like 'Feg'!" said Farnsworth.
"There's still a chance to save Fegelein!" he wheezed.
"Oh thank God," sighed Arkady, still not breaking his grip, "I thought he was calling me a—"
"—At the east—" he gasped desperately, "Platform!"
"Arkady," the Princess stated, nodding her head down the hall. The werewolf gave one last throttle before turning about and following. hoplitejoe heaved for breath as he struggled not to collapse.
"I'm terribly sorry about all this!" Farnsworth called after him, "Arkady's had some bad encounters with furries, you see..."
Meanwhile, in the setting sun on the East Platform, the merc feigned disinterest as the hired help prepared to load the Fegel-block into his car. "Put Gruppenführer Fegelein in the trunk," he instructed.
"Er," began one of the men, "Isn't that full of time-travel junk?"
"Then put him in the back seat!" he snapped.
"Isn't that also—"
"What the CHRIST?!" he shouted, "You're freaking movers, aren't you?!"
"Actually, sir, we—"
"—It's called keep wiggling until it fits! Bob Saget, this is why I hate Tani's NPCs!"
"Actually, sir, we work with—"
On an outside balcony, Jenkins strode into an alcove just as hoplitejoe and company jogged past, Arkady muttering about his evening constitutional. Jenkins spun around, chirping excitedly. "Jenkins!" cried Farnsworth, "Jenkins, where have you been?! —Wait! Turn 'round!" he huffed as Arkady spun about.
"Dobriy vyechyer!" he called.
Jenkins whistled as he ran to catch up. "Hurry!" his fellow gentleman ushered, "We're trying to save Fegelein from the bounty hunter!"
"MERCENARY!!" a voice echoed ahead.
Jenkins issued a flurry of notes, appraising his comrade of his adventures. "Well at least you're still fully-dressed! Look what happened to me!"
The bay door opened and the posse sprinted out, only to see the DeLorean lifting off. "Don't let it reach 88 MPH!" screamed Arkady. They opened fire on the retreating car, but within seconds it accelerated out of range. Kaiser watched it sail into the atmosphere, mortified.
"Oh no!" Farnsworth screamed, "Arkady, they're behind you!!" Our Heroes took cover as a squad of shock troopers opened fire from inside. Jenkins found himself stuck in the middle, improvising some ballroom dancing as he dodged the crossfire.
Deeper inside the station, Chris struggled to reorient himself after Lackarse's latest attack. "YOU HAVE LEARNED MUCH, YOUNG ONE," appraised the Dork Lord.
"You'll find i'm full of surprises!!!" he grinned mirthlessly, launching into a lightning strike. But Lackarse's lightning was greased, and with a circular motion he twisted Chris' blade out of his hand, sending it clattering to the floor behind. He swung down, and the boy tumbled down the stairs. Lackarse leaped at him and Chris only narrowly dodged his feet.
"YOUR DESTINY LIES WITH ME, CHRISTOS." The boy shakily picked himself up. "ALI-G KNEW THIS TO BE TRUE."
"No!!!!" he said calmly and with complete control.
There was a whine of machinery as the centre of the platform opened up. With a wave of his blade, Lackarse sent Chris tumbling into the hiatus chamber. "ALL TOO EASY." With a gesture, he telekinetically pulled the control lever and gas swirled around the boy. Chris leaped with all his might out of the hole and into the piping above. Oblivious, Lackarse looked at the cloud billowing from the chamber. "PERHAPS YOU ARE NOT AS STRONG AS THE EMPORER THOUGHT." His gaze turned skyward as a spanner dropped from the ceiling, finding Chris scurrying up a set of tubing. "IMPRESSIVE," conceded Lackarse, before taking a swing. "MOST IMPRESSIVE." Chris swung down and, before Lackarse could make a move, shoved the broken half of one of the tubes toward him, literally blowing smoke in his face. Using his Cheddai powers he summoned his plasma foil, igniting it in time to block Lackarse's attack. "ALI-G HAS TAUGHT YOU WELL. YOU HAVE CONTROLLED YOUR FEAR." Lackarse feigned left, then swung from the right, Chris barely blocking in time. "NOW... RELEASE YOUR ANGER. ONLY YOUR HATRED CAN DESTROY ME." He launched into a rapid series of swings and Chris struggled to keep up. The boy leaped, somersaulting over Lackarse and trying to catch him from behind. He slowly forced the Dork Lord backwards until Lackarse lost his footing, exclaiming in surprise as he tumbled from the platform.
Chris grinned smugly, deactivating his foil and leaping down after him. A metal grille opened to his side. Switching on the lights he found a round metal tunnel. He followed it to a deserted room with some sort of circular control station. As he stepped out, the tunnel sealed shut behind him. He stepped forward to a a large circular window that gazed out into an enormous cavern in the station's interior. Just as he was beginning to appreciate the view, the mechanical breathing picked up. Chris re-engaged his blade as Lackarse strode forward.
Chris readied for another duel, but Lackarse nodded behind him. A set of piping tore from the wall. The boy spun around, swinging uselessly as he barely dodged it. Lackarse used the distraction to attack, but Chris recovered in time and caught the blade. He launched into a retaliatory skirmish. Just as he fought Lackarse to a stalemate, he heard a digitized voice shouting "SPAAAAAACE!" seconds before the Space Core collided with his head. A chorus of laughter erupted all around him. Gripping the foil with both hands, Chris struggled to right himself. Lackarse nodded and a CRT television flew at the boy; his swing missed and it bounced off his shoulder, prompting more laughter from the audience. Lackarse angled his blade downward and a large metal column began rattling beside him. Peter Griffin's infuriating nasal laugh erupted as Mann Co. crates and Tiny Box Tim buffeted the boy. The column broke loose and smashed through the window. The room depressurized, commercial-brand junk food flying through the breach; Lackarse grabbed hold of a secure grip, but Chris, badly-beaten, lost his and was sucked outside as the laugh-track howled in delight. As the pressure normalized, Lackarse strode over to the window.
Chris's fingers coiled around the edge of a girder striding a seemingly bottomless pit. With all his might he heaved himself to safetwait wait WAIT what are you KIDDING me?! I watched—I WATCHED—his foil fly out of his hands when he sailed through the window, so how in the name of Deus ex Machina could he have caught it AND clipped it to his belt if BOTH HANDS were gripping the railing for LITERALLY DEAR LIFE?!
Screw it. Scene change!
Kaiser blasted a shock trooper before retreating to the elevator as more advanced. "Blue Team scores twenty points," called Arkady. Proceeding to the next level, they regrouped with hoplitejoe by a sealed door. "Aw, don't tell me we forgot to pick up the key..!"
"The security code has been changed!" he huffed.
"Jenkins!" called Farnsworth, "You can tell the computer to override the security system!" Whistling affirmative, the gentleman withdrew his USB cables. "Hurry!"
HJ crossed the floor over to a P.A. terminal and punched in his clearance. "Attention, this is hoplitejoe. Attention. The Empire's taken control of the city, I advise everyone to leave before more Imperial oppressors arrive."
The console began to spark and Jenkins whistled in alarm as his gadgets overloaded. Arkady yanked out the cables and pulled the man to safety. "Must've hit the non-binary gender porn by mistake," he muttered.
"This way," called HJ, dashing down the adjoining hall.
"Well don't blame me," Farnsworth told Jenkins defensively as the rest of the party made after him, "I've never even used Tumblr! I don't know what counts as a pronoun these days—!"
The posse wove its way through the torrent of evacuees, heading for the Raptor. Kaiser and Arkady provided covering fire as Jenkins tried again at another terminal. As he hacked into the network he whistled a flurry of notes. "Ack!" cried Farnsworth as a lazor shot past his ear, "We're not interested in the hyperdrive on the Centurion Raptor, it's fixed!" Jenkins issued another trill as Arkady continued exchanging shots. "One crisis at a time! Just open the door!!"
As the door began to rise a bittersweet melody broke through. "I never doubted you for a second!" As Our Heroes ran for the ship, Jenkins reached into his coat and lobbed smoke grenades ahead of him. Kaiser and HJ lay down covering fire as the short gentleman dashed for the ship. Arkady clambered aboard, quickly unstrapping Farnsworth and setting him down by the entryway.
"Kaiser!" cried HJ, "Go!" Ducking out from cover she raced up the gangplank, the erstwhile administrator quickly following. Onboard, Arkady took his seat in the cockpit while Jenkins dragged Farnsworth further inside.
"I thought MMMBop would be the end of me!" muttered the gentleman. Jenkins blew staccato notes. "Of course I've looked better!"
As the shock troopers finally filed out onto the landing pad, the Raptor lifted off.
Almost there...
Back in the cell, Farnsworth had awoken and Arkady was trying to suit him up. It wasn't easy: the clothes had practically been pulled apart at the seams, and whatever struck the gentleman had paralyzed his limbs, meaning the werewolf pretty much had to dress him himself. "Oh yes," Farnsworth gushed as Arkady fixed the right sleeve, "That's very good! I like that!—Oh! Something's not right, because now I can't see!" Arkady rolled his eyes, jerking the jacket down past the gentleman's head. "Oh? Oh, oh that's much better!—Wait!" He looked down, "Wait! Ohh my! What have you done?! I'm... backwards!" Arkady broke down into childish giggles; poor Farnsworth had been dressed the wrong way 'round. "I can't face the old club like this! " the distraught peer cried, "If Montefiore saw me now I'd never hear the end of—" With a gentle pinch to his collar, the first mate knocked him out.
The cell door opened and two shock troopers entered, dumping Fegelein's limp body before storming out. Arkady lay Farnsworth down before dashing over to help him up. "And the bars don't even open for another hour," he cracked.
"I feel terrible," the officer stated matter-of-factly.
"You look it." Deploying a cell bed from the wall he gently helped Fegelein lie down. Seconds later the door opened again and Kaiser was thrown inside, stripped back down to her flight suit.
After finding her balance she knelt down at Fegelein's side, stroking his forehead consolingly. "Why are they doing this?" she sighed.
"Scheiße und kichern," he said simply. "Not like they asked any questions." Kaiser kissed his forehead before laying her own cheek against it.
The door opened again. "Heads up," muttered Arkady. Two of the blue-suited security staff entered, followed by hoplitejoe.
"HJ," Kaiser warned. She helped Fegelein sit up as the administrator strode into the middle of the room, guards taking post on either side. Arkady let loose an animalistic snarl that froze him in his tracks.
"How nice of you to drop in—" sneered the Obergruppenführer.
"Shut up and listen," HJ cut in. "Now, Lackarse agreed to turn Kaiser and Arkady over to me."
"Over to you?"
"They'll have to stay here, but at least they'll be safe."
"What about Fegelein?" she asked.
"Lackarse is giving him to the bounty hunter."
"Lackarse wants us all dead!" she huffed.
"He doesn't want you at all!" he snapped, "He's after somebody called, uh—Christos."
Fegelein straightened up. "Chris?"
"Lord Lackarse has set a trap for him!" he explained.
"And we're the bait!" Kaiser exclaimed.
"Yeah, well, he's on his way."
"Perfect," growled Fegelein, rising to his feet, "You fixed this all real good, didn't you?" HJ grumbled, rolling his head. "Mein Freund—!"
Fegelein swung a right hook into HJ's face, sending him stumbling backwards. Instantly one guard drew a baton and beat him to the ground. "Stop!" HJ barked. Kaiser rushed over to Fegelein's side while HJ replaced his cape.
The other guard kept his pistol trained on Arkady "Oh, sure, profile the non-human," he sang.
"I've done all I can," HJ sighed, "I'm sorry I couldn't do better, but I've got my own problems."
"Yeah," hissed the officer, "You're a real white knight." HJ glowered for a moment, then sped out of the cell, the guards quickly following.
Arkady rushed over to help his battered captain to his feet. "And people wonder why we hate Tumblr," he muttered.
Fegelein winced, too sore to move, and the first mate backed off. "You certainly have a way with people," Kaiser grinned ruefully. Getting to her feet she crossed to his other side and they tried hoisting him again.
In the station's lower levels, Lackarse inspected a large industrial contraption as shyguys shuttled back and forth, tinkering with its various controls and pipes. A circular walkway ringed a large hole whose floor, illuminated by long orange lights, was blanketed by a dull grey fog. "THIS FACILITY IS CRUDE, BUT IT SHOULD BE ADEQUATE TO FREEZE CHRISTOS FOR HIS JOURNEY TO THE EMPORER."
"Lord Lackarse!" called Tyo, hurrying over, "Ship approaching, X-wing class."
"GOOD. MONITOR CHRISTOS AND ALLOW HIM TO LAND."
"Lord Lackarse," HJ started as Tyo marched off, "We only use hiatuses for game threads. You put him in there, it might kill him."
"I DO NOT WANT THE EMPORER'S PRIZE DAMAGED," Lackarse concurred. "WE WILL TEST IT... ON GRUPPENFÜHRER FEGELEIN." HJ stopped dead in his tracks. A shock trooper elbowed past him, trailing the Dork Lord.
Oblivious to the impending peril, Chris sailed through the planet's upper atmosphere, cresting a cloud column and coming into site of the station.
Our Heroes were marched under armed guard up a gangplank toward the freezing chamber. Farnsworth had regained mobility in his arms but his legs were still numb, so he was strapped to Arkady's back; having been summoned before his tailoring was complete, he was also left, literally, half-dressed. "If only you'd repaired my trousers," he wailed, "I wouldn't be in this ridiculous position! ...Now remember, Arkady: you have a responsibility to me, so don't do anything foolish!"
As the prisoners were brought before the chamber, Lackarse descended from the opposite end. Fegelein leaned forward to where HJ was standing. "What's goin' on, Kamerad?"
"You're being put on hiatus," he muttered.
"What if he doesn't survive?" the merc asked Lackarse, "He's worth a lot to me."
"THE EMPIRE WILL COMPENSATE YOU IF HE DIES." Little did he know, the merc had a history of the Emporer refusing to honour his title deeds. Lackarse raised his arm. "PUT HIM IN."
"Over my dead body!" screamed Arkady. He began swinging wildly, knocking the nearby shock troopers off the platform and into I honestly have no clue what's below, but if it's anything like those arbitrary rail-less canyons in the Doom Sphere... "No!" wailed Farnsworth, "Nonono! Stop!" The merc shouldered his rifle but Lackarse pushed it down. "Arkady, stop!"
"Stop, Arkady!" Fegelein barked, "Stop!"
"—Yes, stop, Please! I'm not ready to die!"
"HEY! Hey! Listen to me!" Fegelein threw himself face to face with his lieutenant as the shock troopers bound his arms. "Arkady! Arkady, this won't help me! HEY! Save your strength. There'll be another time." Lackarse watched the scene with clear interest; noticing, Kaiser instinctively backed away. "The Princess! You have to take care of her!" The werewolf's jaw was trembling and he couldn't meet the man's gaze. Kaiser came up beside him, taking his paw in her hand. "You hear me? Huh?"
"...Aye-aye, sir," he mumbled.
Kaiser turned to Fegelein and they leaned in to a kiss, only for the guards to tear him away to a raised dias in the middle of the platform. Regardless of their private thoughts on the Emporer's anti-heterosexual stigma, there was protocol to uphold. "I love you," she called.
"I know," he grinned wanly.
Two shyguys made last-minute inspections of his bindings, uncuffing his hands, and the platform began to descend. HJ's eyes darted from Fegelein to the Princess; they held each other's gaze until, reaching the bottom, Lackarse nodded to a technician and Fegelein was enveloped in a cloud of smoke that billowed straight up and between the grilles of the floor. "What—what's going on?" asked Farnsworth, "Turn 'round! Arkady, I can't see!" A giant four-pronged claw descended from the ceiling and into the pit. There was a high-pitched whine and a sound like ice cracking; HJ watched nervously. The claw retracted, bearing a large dark-grey pillar not unlike the monoliths from 2001: A Space Odyssey, a set of computer controls embedded along its left side. Kaiser and Arkady instinctively clutched each other as they beheld its front face. Two shyguys shuffled up and pushed it over; it slammed to the ground with a metallic thud. Kaiser buried herself even deeper into Arkady's arm; rising out of the slab like a marble sculpture was Fegelein's profile. Even with the risk of imminent death his head and shoulders conveyed a defiant nonchalance. HJ looked from the block to Kaiser apprehensively; she was biting her lip and clearly trying not to break down into tears. He gingerly stepped over to the far side and knelt down to read the computer panel.
As Arkady turned to cradle the Princess, Farnsworth finally saw the scene. "Ohhh, they've put him on hiatus! He should be quite well-protected!" His face fell. "...If he survived the freezing process, that is..."
"WELL, HOPLITEJOE," called Lackarse, "DID HE SURVIVE?"
"Yes, he's alive..." he breathed, "And in perfect hibernation."
Lackarse turned to the freebooter. "HE'S ALL YOURS, BOUNTY HUNTER."
"Mercenary," he bowed, gritting his teeth.
"RESET THE CHAMBER FOR CHRISTOS."
An unnamed officer who we'll probably never see again strode in. "christos200 had just landed, milord."
"GOOD. SEE TO IT THAT HE FINDS HIS WAY IN HERE."
Straightening up, HJ crossed over to the trio; he tried to take Kaiser's arm but she, still not breaking her gaze, roughly shook him off, Arkady growling defensively. "HOPLITEJOE," called the Dork Lord, and he spun around, "TAKE THE PRINCESS AND THE WEREWOLF TO MY SHIP."
"You said they'd be left in this city under my supervision!"
"I AM ALTERING THE DEAL." With a sinister tone, he added: "PRAY I DON'T ALTER IT ANY FURTHER."
Lackarse marched off; HJ balled his hand into a fist before turning back to Kaiser, who still only looked upon the slab in mourning. He slowly turned his head to his aide, whose eyes locked on in an instant.
----------------
The halls were deserted and eerily quiet. Well—quiet as they could be with the constant background thump of techno muzak from the more assertive ads. Chris plodded along the corridors, handgun drawn, Jenkins sneaking along behind him. As the boy rounded a corner he nearly tripped over himself as he caught sight of the mercenary leading Fegel-on-Ice... which apparently could hover in mid-air. Huh. When the escorts were out of sight he sprinted after them, only to see them disappear around the bend. Jenkins strode up, whistling a flurry of notes, but Chris waved him off.
The boy peeked his head around the corner and nearly lost it as the merc opened fire, sending him reeling for cover. As the attacker withdrew, Jenkins urged Chris to seize the advantage, which he... didn't. Attracted by the noise, further down the hall Princess Kaiser glanced over her shoulder while hoplitejoe stealthily punched in a code on his wrist-computer. Somewhere else in the station, his cyborg minion awoke.
Finally working up the courage to save the day, Chris leaped from his corner and sprinted down the hall. Forgetting LCD screens were still susceptible to sunlight and could therefore register a shadow, as he rounded a bend an Imperial officer noticed and signalled to his squad. The shock troopers opened fire as the officer grabbed Kaiser as a human shield, scuttling across a small plaza as the boy struggled to retaliate.
"Fancy a Greek giving us a bailout!" called Arkady.
"Chris!" screamed Kaiser, "Chris, don't! It's a trap!" He poked his head around and nearly got it blown off. "It's a trap!" she repeated, before being dragged down another hall.
Firefight over, the boy skulked over to where the parade had exeunted. When no further shots followed he replaced his gun and slid into an unusually dark, ad-free corridor. Jenkins whistled after him, but before he could cross the threshold a door slid shut.
Meanwhile, a manhole opened and Chris was elevated into the hiatus chamber. He looked around warily, gun drawn, stepping forward. The moment his foot left the platform the port sealed shut behind him. He took a moment to ponder this might not have been the best-laid plan. Just as he lowered his firearm, overhead lights turned on and the walkway lit up and a respirator echoed through the facility. "THE FARCE IS WITH YOU, YOUNG CHRISTOS," boomed a voice; Chris spun around to behold the silhouette of Darth Lackarse behind him. "BUT YOU ARE NOT A CHEDDAI YET."
There was fear, yes, but also overwhelming pride. Almost instinctively, Chris ascended the stairs to where the Dork Lord stood waiting. Holstering his gun he took a moment to strike a nonchalant pose, then with rapid speed drew and ignited his plasma foil. Lackarse calmly activated his own blade, holding it forth.
A second passed.
Another.
Chris took a right swing, which Lackarse effortlessly parried. He swung straight down, two-handed, but Lackarse's blade caught the attack and pushed him back, sending the boy to the floor. The Dork Lord stood by as Chris struggled to his feet. He advanced; Lackarse retreated. He advanced again; Lackarse withdrew. With a scream Chris launched a triad of strikes, each intercepted, before Lackarse started striking himself, the boy only barely blocking in time. Chris ducked as Lackarse made a lateral swing, slicing through a nearby pillar.
Meanwhile, the royal escort proceeded down the hall. As it passed an intersection, the station security surrounded the troopers, guns drawn. Pulling the Imperial officer aside, hoplitejoe began collecting the shock troopers' blasters. "What a tweest!" Arkady remarked. Kaiser looked around in confusion.
"Well done." HJ handed the weapons to the cyborg. "Hold them in the Mandatory Fun Tower," he instructed, "And keep it quiet." As the detachment marched away, HJ handed two more guns to Kaiser before uncuffing the werewolf.
"What do you think you're doing?!" the Princess snapped.
"We're getting out of here."
"I knew all along," Farnsworth said matter-of-factly, "It had to be a mistake."
"You think that after what you did to Fegelein that we're gonna—"
"PSYCH!" exclaimed Arkady, grabbing HJ by the throat.
"I had no choice!" he wheezed.
"What are you doing?!" wailed the gentleman, "Trust him! Trust him!!"
"Oh!" Kaiser sneered, "So we understand, don't we, Arkady? He had no choice!"
"Just try'na help—!" he choked, falling to his knees.
"SJWs always think they are," Arkady scoffed.
"We don't need any of your 'help'."
"Fe—" HJ coughed, "E-e-e—!"
"You laughin' at me?" muttered the werewolf in his best Robert De Niro impression.
HJ struggled to clear his windpipe. "Fe—! E-e-e—!" he repeated.
"—I don't see anyone else here; you laughin' at me??"
"What?" asked Kaiser, leaning forward.
"Fe-e-eg!"
"It sounds like 'Feg'!" said Farnsworth.
"There's still a chance to save Fegelein!" he wheezed.
"Oh thank God," sighed Arkady, still not breaking his grip, "I thought he was calling me a—"
"—At the east—" he gasped desperately, "Platform!"
"Arkady," the Princess stated, nodding her head down the hall. The werewolf gave one last throttle before turning about and following. hoplitejoe heaved for breath as he struggled not to collapse.
"I'm terribly sorry about all this!" Farnsworth called after him, "Arkady's had some bad encounters with furries, you see..."
Meanwhile, in the setting sun on the East Platform, the merc feigned disinterest as the hired help prepared to load the Fegel-block into his car. "Put Gruppenführer Fegelein in the trunk," he instructed.
"Er," began one of the men, "Isn't that full of time-travel junk?"
"Then put him in the back seat!" he snapped.
"Isn't that also—"
"What the CHRIST?!" he shouted, "You're freaking movers, aren't you?!"
"Actually, sir, we—"
"—It's called keep wiggling until it fits! Bob Saget, this is why I hate Tani's NPCs!"
"Actually, sir, we work with—"
On an outside balcony, Jenkins strode into an alcove just as hoplitejoe and company jogged past, Arkady muttering about his evening constitutional. Jenkins spun around, chirping excitedly. "Jenkins!" cried Farnsworth, "Jenkins, where have you been?! —Wait! Turn 'round!" he huffed as Arkady spun about.
"Dobriy vyechyer!" he called.
Jenkins whistled as he ran to catch up. "Hurry!" his fellow gentleman ushered, "We're trying to save Fegelein from the bounty hunter!"
"MERCENARY!!" a voice echoed ahead.
Jenkins issued a flurry of notes, appraising his comrade of his adventures. "Well at least you're still fully-dressed! Look what happened to me!"
The bay door opened and the posse sprinted out, only to see the DeLorean lifting off. "Don't let it reach 88 MPH!" screamed Arkady. They opened fire on the retreating car, but within seconds it accelerated out of range. Kaiser watched it sail into the atmosphere, mortified.
"Oh no!" Farnsworth screamed, "Arkady, they're behind you!!" Our Heroes took cover as a squad of shock troopers opened fire from inside. Jenkins found himself stuck in the middle, improvising some ballroom dancing as he dodged the crossfire.
Deeper inside the station, Chris struggled to reorient himself after Lackarse's latest attack. "YOU HAVE LEARNED MUCH, YOUNG ONE," appraised the Dork Lord.
"You'll find i'm full of surprises!!!" he grinned mirthlessly, launching into a lightning strike. But Lackarse's lightning was greased, and with a circular motion he twisted Chris' blade out of his hand, sending it clattering to the floor behind. He swung down, and the boy tumbled down the stairs. Lackarse leaped at him and Chris only narrowly dodged his feet.
"YOUR DESTINY LIES WITH ME, CHRISTOS." The boy shakily picked himself up. "ALI-G KNEW THIS TO BE TRUE."
"No!!!!" he said calmly and with complete control.
There was a whine of machinery as the centre of the platform opened up. With a wave of his blade, Lackarse sent Chris tumbling into the hiatus chamber. "ALL TOO EASY." With a gesture, he telekinetically pulled the control lever and gas swirled around the boy. Chris leaped with all his might out of the hole and into the piping above. Oblivious, Lackarse looked at the cloud billowing from the chamber. "PERHAPS YOU ARE NOT AS STRONG AS THE EMPORER THOUGHT." His gaze turned skyward as a spanner dropped from the ceiling, finding Chris scurrying up a set of tubing. "IMPRESSIVE," conceded Lackarse, before taking a swing. "MOST IMPRESSIVE." Chris swung down and, before Lackarse could make a move, shoved the broken half of one of the tubes toward him, literally blowing smoke in his face. Using his Cheddai powers he summoned his plasma foil, igniting it in time to block Lackarse's attack. "ALI-G HAS TAUGHT YOU WELL. YOU HAVE CONTROLLED YOUR FEAR." Lackarse feigned left, then swung from the right, Chris barely blocking in time. "NOW... RELEASE YOUR ANGER. ONLY YOUR HATRED CAN DESTROY ME." He launched into a rapid series of swings and Chris struggled to keep up. The boy leaped, somersaulting over Lackarse and trying to catch him from behind. He slowly forced the Dork Lord backwards until Lackarse lost his footing, exclaiming in surprise as he tumbled from the platform.
Chris grinned smugly, deactivating his foil and leaping down after him. A metal grille opened to his side. Switching on the lights he found a round metal tunnel. He followed it to a deserted room with some sort of circular control station. As he stepped out, the tunnel sealed shut behind him. He stepped forward to a a large circular window that gazed out into an enormous cavern in the station's interior. Just as he was beginning to appreciate the view, the mechanical breathing picked up. Chris re-engaged his blade as Lackarse strode forward.
Chris readied for another duel, but Lackarse nodded behind him. A set of piping tore from the wall. The boy spun around, swinging uselessly as he barely dodged it. Lackarse used the distraction to attack, but Chris recovered in time and caught the blade. He launched into a retaliatory skirmish. Just as he fought Lackarse to a stalemate, he heard a digitized voice shouting "SPAAAAAACE!" seconds before the Space Core collided with his head. A chorus of laughter erupted all around him. Gripping the foil with both hands, Chris struggled to right himself. Lackarse nodded and a CRT television flew at the boy; his swing missed and it bounced off his shoulder, prompting more laughter from the audience. Lackarse angled his blade downward and a large metal column began rattling beside him. Peter Griffin's infuriating nasal laugh erupted as Mann Co. crates and Tiny Box Tim buffeted the boy. The column broke loose and smashed through the window. The room depressurized, commercial-brand junk food flying through the breach; Lackarse grabbed hold of a secure grip, but Chris, badly-beaten, lost his and was sucked outside as the laugh-track howled in delight. As the pressure normalized, Lackarse strode over to the window.
Chris's fingers coiled around the edge of a girder striding a seemingly bottomless pit. With all his might he heaved himself to safetwait wait WAIT what are you KIDDING me?! I watched—I WATCHED—his foil fly out of his hands when he sailed through the window, so how in the name of Deus ex Machina could he have caught it AND clipped it to his belt if BOTH HANDS were gripping the railing for LITERALLY DEAR LIFE?!
Screw it. Scene change!
Kaiser blasted a shock trooper before retreating to the elevator as more advanced. "Blue Team scores twenty points," called Arkady. Proceeding to the next level, they regrouped with hoplitejoe by a sealed door. "Aw, don't tell me we forgot to pick up the key..!"
"The security code has been changed!" he huffed.
"Jenkins!" called Farnsworth, "You can tell the computer to override the security system!" Whistling affirmative, the gentleman withdrew his USB cables. "Hurry!"
HJ crossed the floor over to a P.A. terminal and punched in his clearance. "Attention, this is hoplitejoe. Attention. The Empire's taken control of the city, I advise everyone to leave before more Imperial oppressors arrive."
The console began to spark and Jenkins whistled in alarm as his gadgets overloaded. Arkady yanked out the cables and pulled the man to safety. "Must've hit the non-binary gender porn by mistake," he muttered.
"This way," called HJ, dashing down the adjoining hall.
"Well don't blame me," Farnsworth told Jenkins defensively as the rest of the party made after him, "I've never even used Tumblr! I don't know what counts as a pronoun these days—!"
The posse wove its way through the torrent of evacuees, heading for the Raptor. Kaiser and Arkady provided covering fire as Jenkins tried again at another terminal. As he hacked into the network he whistled a flurry of notes. "Ack!" cried Farnsworth as a lazor shot past his ear, "We're not interested in the hyperdrive on the Centurion Raptor, it's fixed!" Jenkins issued another trill as Arkady continued exchanging shots. "One crisis at a time! Just open the door!!"
As the door began to rise a bittersweet melody broke through. "I never doubted you for a second!" As Our Heroes ran for the ship, Jenkins reached into his coat and lobbed smoke grenades ahead of him. Kaiser and HJ lay down covering fire as the short gentleman dashed for the ship. Arkady clambered aboard, quickly unstrapping Farnsworth and setting him down by the entryway.
"Kaiser!" cried HJ, "Go!" Ducking out from cover she raced up the gangplank, the erstwhile administrator quickly following. Onboard, Arkady took his seat in the cockpit while Jenkins dragged Farnsworth further inside.
"I thought MMMBop would be the end of me!" muttered the gentleman. Jenkins blew staccato notes. "Of course I've looked better!"
As the shock troopers finally filed out onto the landing pad, the Raptor lifted off.
