Suleiman's Harem

[Dicorion]

Hello to the greatest story-teller ever! I love those comix pictures. Keep it comming, please.
It seems that the combination of AIs is really goint to fit well with your "pre-planned" storyline! This is a sign I tell you!

 

[MyOtherCar]

"Those tools really help a lot.
That, and the fact that French is my mother tongue.
Those really help a lot."

This is really the funniest story I've read here.

Btw: You are frenching with your mother's tongue? Then quit making fun of Hatty.

 

[Quildavyr]

The Story is great.And drawings are nice.It is perfect job.Well done

 

[Flouzemaker]

50 AD:

We've discovered Calendar. What shall we research next?

Let's go for Philosophy. A new religion is always good in my opinion. Isn't it? It is, right?

I suppose it can't hurt. Let's do that.


75 AD:

The VP rings...

Hello?

Suleiman, my possible friend. Have you noticed, like I did, that Korea is evil?

I sure did. That's pretty much stating the obvious right there, Chucky.

Good! So you'll stop trading with that swine, yes?

Um, no. If I closed borders with Wang Kon, I'd be boxing myself in. No can do, Chuck.

You're making a mistake, Suleiman. A serious mistake. Certainly, you'll live to regret this moment.

But as you clearly mentionned, I'll live. Farewell, Charles.



125 AD:

Woot!

This achievement pleases me, my dear Sultan!

Of course it does, Beste!

When we war against our protective enemy, we'll be protected as well.

That was the whole idea. That's exactly why we built Chichen Itza in Edirne!



150 AD:

The VP rings again

Give me Currency!

How about: no! What I can give is a hint on how you can obtain Currency with minimal effort. Here goes. Research Currency. It's completely fool-proof!

Obviously, Suleiman, in terms of diplomacy and foreign relations, you are completely clueless, and your pitiful Empire shall greatly suffer for it.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Farewell, Chuck!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Suly-honey, in 125 AD, we landed on that island you had your eye on, and now, I can confirm that the place makes for an appealing settlement. Three sugar plantations can be built there, and fish seem bountiful in the surrounding sea.

Excellent! Found Bursa, then!

225 AD:

The Visual Phone Rings

Who is it?

Suleiman!

My favorite booty queen!

Beg your pardon?

Beauty queen. I said beauty queen!

How about some neighborly love? Russia desperately requires Code of Laws, and who better than "the Legislator" to come to the rescue?

Oh, I'm flattered! But... I'm not sure it's such a good idea. Maybe...

Please?

OK! Sure!

NO! Don't press that button!

I...

Don't do it, you'll regret it, my love!

You don't want to leave your Cathy BEHIND, do you?

Here you go!

Thank you! I'll see you soon!

 

[Flouzemaker]

350 AD:

My husband, Nolan Buonarroti, the Great Spy, has been born in Edirne. What shall we have him do?

Build Scotland Yard in Istanbul. I think that should help us get a more complete Power Graph.

A wise choice, dear husband.



375 AD:

Yay! Taoism has been founded in Ankara!

Score!




420 AD:

The VP does it's thing.

Her most righteous majesty, Isabella, beloved of God and protector of the faith, does condescend to greet you, Suleiman. Do tell me: are you a righteous, jewish people, or are you fiendish heathens who need to be wiped off of the face of this fair land?

Well, I guess I'm a "friendly" heathen.

Friendly heathens don't exist.

Sure they do! Let's have peace, and I'll prove it.

I'll settle for peace, if only to prove that friendly heathens are a figment of your distorted imagination.

I can think of two little heathens I'd like to befriend!

Are you staring at my cleavage?

I'd like to thank an artist who likes to make good things even bigger... I mean better!

Stop staring at my pechos santos, you vile, disgusting fat man!

What?

You make me want to retch you profanely perverse pig!

What are you talking about? I'm über-hot! What's up with the holier-than-thou attitude, here, lady? I'm a turbo-stud! The girls love me!

Even the blind ones couldn't stand your insufferable personality. You're nothing more than a vile heretic! Now, get out of my beautiful, saintly face! And don't you EVER dare stare at my pechos santos EVER again! Farewell.

 

[Flouzemaker]

What the heck just happened here? Isabella hates me!

Well, you were so very tactful.

But all the wimmins be givin' me some love!

Not Hatshepsut.

She did at first. Her dubious choices in terms of religion and allies turned the table. But deep down, I know she wants a piece of my Ottoman meat!

Be that as it may, you weren't very smooth with Isabella.

Yes I was! Yet, she called my beautiful self "fat" and "disgusting!" Is she delusional? Blind?

Um...

Say... have mirrors been invented yet?

I'm not answering that.

Roxolana! Bring me a mirror!

Here you are, my beautiful love.

Ah! Wonderful. Let's see what I look... OMG! NOOOO!

You're very handsome.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

No woman in her right mind could refuse you, Manny-bunny!

I'm FAT! Get that thing away from me!

Right away, Suly-honey.

Well. This new piece of information changes my game-plan, somewhat, I guess...

 

[Flouzemaker]

520 AD:

We've discovered Theology, though only a pretty long time after Spain did.

May I suggest that we adopt Theocracy? After all, our troops will need some added strength if we are to invade Korea.

Yes, sounds good to me. We'll have to start building some troops, soon.

We don't have any truly impressive offensive units, dear Sultan, but we can start building the Catapults we'll need for an effective war.

I concur.

Meanwhile, we should try to research what we need to build some macemen.

It'll take a while, but I wholeheartedly agree. We can't get far without Wang Kon out of the way.

In any case, let the revolt begin!


600 AD:

The VP rings.

Hello?

Greetings, Suleiman! It seems Persia has stumbled upon a very grave problem.

Have you, now?

Quite. It appears that you have Calendar, and we don't.

Research it, then.

Or you could give it to me.

Or you could research it.

Or you could give it to me.

What will you give me for it?

My good faith?

Farewell, Cyrus.

 

[Flouzemaker]

620 AD:

Ring-a-ring!

'Sup?

I have a terrific trade proposal for you, Suleiman!

Would I get something in return?

Of course! You'd get spices!

Ah! Then we have something to talk about! No like what those other morons seem to propose!

You give me Iron, and I give you Spices! Awesome, right?

What?

Did I fart?

Farewell, Wang Kon.


640 AD:

You know what the VP does? I'm sure you do.

Suleiman! I've given it some thought, and I figure that giving you Aesthetics for Code of Laws would be a worthy trade. I'm sure you'll agree.

You can never be sure of anything, these days, Cyrus. Even of what you look like. You'll need to improve your offer somewhat.

Oh. Aesthetics and 25 gold, then?

~sigh~ Alright. Let's do it. I find trade-whoring more difficult in BTS, so I'll take what I can get.

Trade-whoring isn't difficult. It's a way of life! Thank you, Suleiman!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Speaking of trade-whoring, let's see what's available on the market... Ah!

Suleiman dials the phone

Yes?

Cathy! I'm so glad to speak to you!

As am I. I'm, like, busy with some important preparations, though. So we'll have to settle for a QUICKIE this time, my big bear!

OK. What if I gave you Philosophy and Metal Casting for your Feudalism, Horseback Riding and some 90 gold?

Hm. I don't need any of it, but I'll do it anyway. Especially since you don't even have any horses!

It's mostly the Longbowmen I want. The rest is to even things up.

Like,~sigh~, whatever. I really gotta run, big boy. See you around!



680 AD:

Manny-bunny, I have some very important news!

What?

First, Catherine declared war on Wang Kon.

Why, she stole my idea!

She did, and she captured Pyongyang as well.

Doh!

On the plus side, it's a great thing for Ankara's fat cross. We now have legitimate access to Ivory.

We could build War Elephants!

Are we ready to invade Korea earlier than we wanted?

Not unless you want to invade with a stack of catapults and a couple of axemen. We need offensive troops of some kind.

We'll get right on it, we'll get right on it. We need to get on the Downfall-of-Korea-Gravy-Train as fast as we possibly can!

 

[Flouzemaker]

700 AD:

Yay! The Great Engineer commonly known as Gugliemo Marconi has been born in Istanbul, Suly-honey!

Fantastic! Make the dude built the Great Library in Ankara!

Right away!

Score! Now, Ankara can jump in on the army making business!


780 AD:

Suleiman dials on the VP...

Hello?

My most beloved Celtic duo! Have I got a deal for you!

I'm listening.

You give me Spices, and I give you Silk.

I can agree to that! Are... are you staring, again?

I can't help myself.

Well, as you indulge yourself in your debasing perversions, always remember one thing.

I suppose I can do that...

If you think that's big, remember that my army is much, much bigger! Farewell, Suleiman!

 

[Flouzemaker]

840 AD:

Manny-bunny. I hear that France has declared war on Egypt!

Oh, how I love the smell of rivals killing each other off in the morning!


860 AD:

The Visual Phone rings...

Suleiman!

I'm all eyes. I means ears!

You like, me, don't you?

I... um... yes?

And you're the type of big boy that can watch my back, right?

Um, yeah... the back is what I look at, the back.

Then, like, why don't you help me destroy Wang Kon?

I was planning on doing just that, but I'm not quite ready yet. Close, but not yet.

Don't you want to have my back? Side with me!

Yes... I'll have your back side...

Excellent! I look forward to seeing your big and hard soldier in action!

THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE DECLARES WAR ON KOREA!

 

[Flouzemaker]

920 AD:

Catherine has subdued Seoul and annexed it to Russia.

Dang it! I wanted it! Does that mean I'll have to declare war on Cathy, in the end?

Hopefully, yes.

Not necessarily. Especially if we capture Pusan, we can overwhelm Seoul with Edirne and Ankara's culture and take the coveted city that way.

Interesting notion. But I'm not allowed to win culturally.

That is so, but all we need is strong culture - not Cultural-victory strength culture.

Good point. It allows me to not declare war on Cathy, yet I could still get what I want. What do I do with the stack we sent towards Seoul, though?

I suppose we can send it toward Pusan instead. It contains only one maceman, but enough Catapults to do damage while we await the arrival of more macemen and War Elephants.

Sold.


940 AD:

Stop trading with that heretic Russian tramp!

Have you noticed that Catherine and I are currently military allies, per chance?

What's your point?

Well...

I thought I warned you about your perverse habits.

What? I wasn't looking, I swear!

So you swear as well? Your blasphemy shall not be tolerated very long, Suleiman! Your refusal to abide by demands shall prove to be your downfall!

Be reasonable, now...

I hate you! Now go away!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1040 AD:

Our Stack of Catapults have reached Pusan, shall we bombard?

Absolutely!

1050 AD:

News from the front lines?

No. The Great Prophet Abu Bakr has been born in Edirne. What shall we have him do?

Err... Have him assist us in researching Divine Right. It'll help us achieve a technological lead of some kind.

Consider it done, Suly-honey!


1060 AD:

The Visual Phone rings

Heh! Heh! Giving up, Wang Kon?

What?

Oh, it's you.

I don't like you, and you don't like me. But I'd be ready to give you the sum of 15 gold for your knowledge of Feudalism to defend myself against the evil French.

And 15 gold is the best you can do?

It seems quite fair to me!

It would to someone whose parents were related to each other.

Fine. Don't help me!

Now that's a trade I like much better! I won't help you if you won't help me. Consider it done! Farewell!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1080 AD:

Pusan's defenses have been completely annihilated!

Great! Although...

Yes?

What if Cathy sneaks in and takes Pusan in our stead when we've done all the bombarding dirty work?

She doesn't look interested. We have a few more troops arriving soon, and we'll be able to liberate in only two or three turns.

I guess we'll have to be content with that... I... you know what? Out World Map is pretty lame. I want more info on Spain.

Suryavarman looks like he traveled a lot. We can ask him.

Suleiman dials

Hello?

So you sometimes wish the Visual Phone wasn't so visual?

And not see Boudica's assets?

Touché. Look, I'm in a desperate mood, so what if I gave you Literature for your World Map and 70 gold?

Done!

Farewell!


1090 AD:

Islam has been founded in Bursa! Yay!

Score! Where's the screen shot?

you accidentally overwrote it when saving the next screen-shot.

Oh.

And France has completed the "Classic Literature" Quest.

Dang it! *I* wanted that quest!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1100 AD:

Who's calling?

Wouldn't it be cool if you declared war on France?

No, it wouldn't. Warring against France is always loads of fun, but I'm busy destroying the Koreans here. Don't want too many things on my plate at once, see?

So you're yellow, is that it?

I'm green. You're yellow. Farewell!

Looks like the French captured Thebes, Manny.

No wonder Hatty was begging so vehemently!

Shall we take Pusan? I believe our troops are numerous enough.

By all means!

Score!



1120 AD:

I hear Cathy and Wang Kon have agreed to a Peace Treaty.

That means only WE will vie for Wonsan?

Affirmative.

Groovy, there's less stress without the competition!



1130 AD:

Yay! Antoine Laurent Lavoisier has been born in Ankara!

Have him build the Academy in Istanbul. Our Capital is producing [BLEEP]-loads of beakers, too!



1180 AD:

DISCLAIMER: Flouzemaker is a stoopid incompetent.
Looks like I overwrote another screenshot, and this one is important. Especially since it contained some photoshop editing!

 

[Flouzemaker]

GIL- Err.. SULEIMAN!!

GHAH!

I have a Quest for you to complete!

Really?

Yes! You must complete the "NATIONAL SPORTS LEAGUE" quest!

Um, OK. What do I need to do?

A screenshot would help me remember the fine details of it all...

Yeah... heh! heh! About that...

I see. Well, you need to build FIVE COLISEUMS! And you get a bonus if you control the Statue of Zeus!

Well, I don't. Cyrus does.

You'd get a pretty nifty bonus if you did.

Cyrus is way, WAY far. I'm not going all the way over there just to control the Statue of Zeus.

Anyhow, you have until sometime or another to complete this quest. The deadline might be Industrialism or some such thing, but I can't recall precisely. There's a thread that details all possible quests, you can look there for the info.

Again, it's far away, and I'm too fat and lazy to huff and puff my way there.

Whatever. Just complete the Quest.

Or what?

Well, um, you won't get a bonus.

Whatever. I'll complete it if I can, but if I don't... no big whoop.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1210 AD:

Ah! You evil screenshot! I both love you and despise you at the same time!

But it's the University of Sankore! In Istanbul!

Which explains why so few new units have been trained!

Your Sultan is a wonder-whore. Sue him.

In anycase, our troops have reached Wonsan and are besieging the new Korean Capital.

Bombard it's defenses to shreds! Or rubble, if you prefer.

France and Egypt have made peace. Hatsheptsut officially becomes Charles De Gaulle's vassal.

Whatever.

And our military achievements (killing off a pitiful Korean archer trying to do some pillaging) has inspired the birth of Gaius Marius in Istanbul.

Groovy! Make him become a trainer in Edirne - that's where we build 75% of our troops anyways!



1240 AD:

Wonsan has fallen and is now ours to control! Well... as soon as the revolts end, anyways!

Excellent! Lemme see!

Apparently, someone too stupid to save his screenshots properly can be blamed for the absent visual accessory.

Oh.

But picture your typical awkwardly placed AI City in your mind. Now, picture it as being recently conquered and in the process of futilely revolting.

Impressive. Well, I've gotten all I wanted. Might as well make peace with Wang Kon, seems like a fashionnable thing to do these days....

 

[Flouzemaker]

What is it, enemy?

Want peace?

YesYesYesYesYes!!

What'll you give me for peace?

Will 340 gold do?

It'll do quite nicely indeed! Consider myself pacified!

Excellent news!

Hey! That's funny, you're only cautious towards me.

Of course I'm cautious! We just came out of a war!

But, under these circumstances, peeps are usually furious, or at least annoyed!

I suppose I must admire a man of might.

Whatever. Farewell!


1260 AD:

Dear Sultan? A massive barbarian uprising is occuring near Wonsan. The Vandals strike out against Civilization, seeking claim to it's prizes with their swords.

What kind of crappy random event it that?

You're welcome.

Do we have a screenshot of THAT, at least?

Yes, we do:

They look pretty weak. For storytelling purposes, we can already assume they're all dead, for they can't even hope to pillage a little. Meanwhile, we'll have our caravel circumnavigate the world.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1300 AD:

Who is it?

It is I, Suleiman.

What's up?

I have a proposal.

How can I take a load off your back? I can clearly see two things I can help support...

If you give me philosophy and 240 gold, I can grant you knowledge of Engineering.

... right...

Is that a yes or a no?

Hm? It's a yes!

Excellent! Farewell!

And I'll miss both of you!

Bad news, Manny-bunny.

Uh-oh! Who's attacking?

No one, but Cyrus has proved the world round just a few turns before we would have.

Doh!


1350 AD:

YAY! We have discovered Liberalism first! We get a free tech!

Woot! Let's grab Astronomy. It's the most expensive tech we can get. Next, let's nab Drama while it takes just one turn to learn. And then... gunpowder, so we can finally get our Janissaries!

Thank you, dear Sultan!