Suleiman's Harem

[Flouzemaker]

1935 AD:

Yay! Our victories has inspired the birth of Francisco Pizzaro in Istanbul!

Make him an instructor in Edirne! I want that city to train mean, mean units! Ha! Ha!



1937 AD:

De Gaulle sends a Cavalry or two from time to time, and they're easily killed.

Is our stack of Russian conquerers on the move?

Yes, it is. We'll reach the next target soon.

Excellent!



1938 AD:

The Visual Phone rings...

Yeah?

Greeting, insufferable nincompoop with whom I'm allied against my will.

I love talking with you too, Isabella. What do you want?

How about open borders? That way, I can attack the French from your lands.

Right... Because I'm sure you're a very active participant in this War...

I could be, with open borders.

Fine, agreed. Let me get back to my troops before your pechos santos distract me too much. See ya later!


1940 AD:

Our troops have bombarded Moscow. Meanwhile, it seems De Gaulle has sent a small force to attack Wonsan.

Let's press return...

Later...

The French have lost a Cavalry and three Infantries.

Well done, Beste.

But Moscow has brought in reinforcements. It now defends with 3 SAM Infantries, 2 Cossacks, and 4 Riflemen. It'll be tougher than previous conquests, but with a little luck, I think we can take it.

We are luck incarnate, Beste! At least, we better be!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1941 AD:

Woot!

We've been a little too slow in conquering Moscow for optimal gains, but we do get a few good things from the City's liberation...

We do indeed! Most importantly, Moscow had a culture of 35,000 (approx). It's conquest really makes a difference for our Empire's borders!

There are also 3 Military Instructors in Moscow. When we add barracks, it'll produce good, strong units!

It could be quite some time before it's ready to do that, however. At least, it's good, tough units Catherine can't send against us! Meanwhile, I think we've humbled De Gaulle enough to concentrate on one single front...


Suleiman dials the phone...

Yes?

Heh! Heh! Heh!

Is that why you called?

One of the reasons. Though I enjoy seeing you fail time and time again!

In the end, France shall prevail!

But for now, how much are you going to give me for peace?

How about 70 gold?

Yeah. I guess that'll do. I can concentrate on destroying Cathy.

And I, on rebuilding my forces to finally be rid of you!

Tut! Tut! Tut! We said peace!

Oh, yeah, right.

Au revoir, [BLEEP]!



Is the warring done?
OF COURSE NOT!
But I don,t have the time to write all about it just now, so...

... to be continued, eventually!

 

[Scarredroman]

Now there's a turn up for the books, you betraying Catherine - and getting away with it. Russia delenda est. You should be in a position to launch a massive stack of your own at De Gaulle by the time the truce expires.

 

[TheLastOne36]

HAHAHA perfect read. I loved it. Hope to see what happens next!

Also out of curiosity, ounce you won or lose, which leader will use for the next story? BUT i realize it may be to early to think ahead at the moment.

 

[Ultimate_Waffle]

I think he should be Abe Lincoln for the next story

 

[dazman92]

I second the Abe vote.

 

[TheLastOne36]

I think he should be Abe Lincoln for the next story

Hah that sounds like a good idea, i agree.

 

[dazman92]

perhaps he should be stalin or mao.

so many communist jokes, so little time...

 

[Hackapell]

Wow! What a great story! Looking forward to more!
And yes, Play Abe Lincoln next time.

 

[Juvenal]

perhaps he should be stalin or mao.

so many communist jokes, so little time...

In Soviet Russia, advisors hump you!

 

[axident]

Well done, humans rule and AIs drool when it comes to using collateral damage and war in general. Can you vassalize Cathy before someone else does? Then pound on an appropriate target once your units have healed up and ex-Russian cities are out of revolt?

 

[Antilogic]

Not over yet! Keep it up, I'm cheering for an Ottoman turnaround-for-the-win!

 

[Peng Qi]

Yes, I think we need some Stalin next! You can make jokes about how they included Stalin but not Hitler, and Communist jokes, and mustache jokes!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Actually... I'm still leaning towards Pacal the Great. I'm a Maya fan, having visited some 30 Mayan ruins already... a Civilization that fascinates me, really. Except that if Pacal is the Leader, Lakam Ha (now known as Palenque) should be the capital, not the second city. It doesn't matter that Mutal (or Tikal) is a more impressive city. But... since I'm so fond of the Mayans, and since I'm very obsiously still on the Prince learning curve, I'm not sure I want to damage Pacal's good name. Or even make him look silly, lol. I might just keep him for my "non-published" games.

Because of this game, I'm also leaning towards Boudica, which could provide another learning experience for me. That, and a different perspective.

There is only one Civ I have never played as, and it's unlikely I ever do: the Americans. That makes Honest Abe a long shot indeed. Why I don't play as the Americans has nothing to do with modern politics and conflicts. Like Canada, Australia, Mexico, Brazil, etc... it's a colony, to me. Obviously, Civ colonies don't seem to fare as well as real historic colonies have... I doubt they'd be given huge, fertile land filled with important resources - but rather frigid crap like Churchill got.
It's a personal thing, and certainly not a point of view I try to force on people... it's just that... well, it feels too odd to me to start the Americans at 4000 BC. And yes, I know that most other civs started much later as well.
Long story short, I don't like playing the Americans.






Anyhow.

Where were we?

Oh, yes...


1943 AD:

Catherine has attacked P'yongyang!

WHAT?? I thought she'd try to reclaim Moscow or something! What gives? How badly did we lose?

Don't misunderstand me, dearest Sultan, it was truly, verily, an absolutely pathetic little skirmish. She lost an Artillery, a Cossack and a SAM Infantry in a truly hopeless effort.

Oh. Who cares, then.

Isabella did complete the Christo Redentor, though.

That's strange... how can she keep building wonders when the trade page says she's not more advanced than we are? Anyhow... we didn't have time to build the Redentor. We have troops to amass! What's our current plan?

Here:

Yes. Novgorod and St. Petersburg still generate uncomfortable amounts of Culture. Novgorod is especially key. They shall be mine. Oh, yes, they shall be mine!

Suleiman presses return, and Cathy loses an Artillery, trying to attack P'yongyang. I'd have Beste mention it, but really, why even bother?



1947 AD:

Dearest Sultan, we have a small stack leaving from Wonsan and heading to Novgorod, and another leaving from Moscow. Those combined forces should allow us to liberate Novgorod, as planned.

Excellent. Things are falling into place rather nicely, I should say!



1948 AD:

Whoops! In a desperate measure, the Russians have attacked one of our stacks.

Damage?

She lost a Cossack and an Infantry in a pretty futile cause. That shouldn't affect our plans at all.

Heh! Heh! Oops, the phone's ringing... hold on. Hello?

If your compassion is inversely proportionate to your looks, Suleiman, you shall give Spain knowledge of Corporation.

If I backstabbed my closest ally, what does that tell you about my compassion?

Um, that it's directly proportional to your nightmare inducing physique?

Quite so. Goodbye.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1949 AD:

We've attacked Novgorod and...

I'm the king of the Southern Hemisphere!! Woot!! We have Oil! Beautiful, black, Oil! And we have Coal! ... And Uranium! ... And even Horse that we no longer need! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm so awesome!

You are awesome, Suly-honey!



1950 AD:

Congratulations, you have made peace with Catherine!

WHAT? What the [BLEEP]?

You mean that wasn't part of your plan?

Of course it wasn't part of the plan! I want St. Petersburg!! And Rostov, too, because I can! What the hell is going on, here?

Oh... now that I look more closely, I see that Russia has become France's vassal state.

[BLEEP]!! Man, that [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP]s! [BLEEP]!

Well, it could be worse...

It could?

She could have become Suryavarman's Vassal.

True. We all know De Gaulle will eventually redeclare war, so... I'll have another shot at St. Petersburg. On the other hand, I'd need to betray the Khmer to accomplish the same thing, after which, they'd all be likely to dogpile me. Yeah. OK. It still sucks like [BLEEP]ing black hole, but it could be worse.



1952 AD:

Yay! The Great Engineer Bi Sheng has been born in Istanbul.

Make him sleep, he might be halfway useful later on. Still. What I'd give for a Great Artist or two at this point...

 

[Flouzemaker]

The Visual Phone Rings...

Hello?

Greetings.

I see you've removed the knife I planted there.

It wasn't comfortable.

Were you calling to say how sorry you are?

What? How DARE you?

Oh, come on. You know it. If you hadn't tried for a Cultural victory, we could have gotten along very nicely, and the French would be the crippled Empire, not Russia.

You have some gall!

Well, if you don't want to apologize for generating so much culture, what do you want?

Open Borders. I have some troops stuck in France that want to get home.

Uh-hun. And that benefits me how?

You can get troops in and out of Moscow ~shudders~ that you temporarily occupy.

Sold! Farewell!


1953 AD:

Suleiman!

What do you want now?

Stop trading with the Khmer!

No. Now go away!

 

[Flouzemaker]

The Visual Phone rings again...

Yeah?

Hey, buddy! Declare war on Hatshepsut for me.

And by that, you mean declare war on Egypt, France, and Russia.

No, just Egypt.

Right. Look, I'm still amassing extra forces, here. Call back in a few turns, when I'm ready.

No, it should be now.

Then it's a no, Suryavarman. Wonsan's defenses need to be rebuilt, since I used those guys to grab Novgorod. I can't declare war on France while so few troops are on the front lines! So, thanks but no thanks. Ciao!



1954 AD:

1956 AD:

Istanbul has created the Apollo Program!

Woot! Can I start building spaceship parts?

No. You don't have Satellites.

DOH!



1960 AD:

Cyrus has built the Three Gor-

Sarila, never EVER tell a wondermonger that another Civilization has erected a wonder that was rightfully his.

What should I tell him, then?

you don't tell him anything. Just pretend like that Wonder never even existed in the first place.

Then how do I know which ones are rightfully yours and which aren't?

Easy. They're ALL rightfully mine!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1962 AD:

The VP rings.

What?

I would like to propose a trade, Suleiman.

Really? Well cut my legs off and call me shorty! I can hardly believe it! What is it?

You give me Rocketry, and I give you 45 gold.

Hello?

No. Forget it, you hapless dip[BLEEP]!

I expected that. I did not overestimate your greed. How ever, I overestimated your cognitive capacities, as you were supposed to understand that I now have Artillery. Plenty of Artillery.

Bravo. I've had Artillery for ages. Goodbye!



1964 AD:

Despised Suleiman.

My inconsequential, and incestuous enemy. To what do I owe the obvious lack of pleasure?

Let's pave the way towards longer lasting peace with an Open Borders agreement.

Or let's not. Goodbye!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1966 AD:

WHAT?? Who's calling now?

It is I, my gallant ally!

What do you want?

Repeat after me...

Repeat after me...

I declare war on Russia...

I declare war on Russia...

Fantastic! I knew that would work!

What would work?

Hypnotizing you!

You didn't hypnotize me, I actually WANT to declare war on Russia! See you later, Boudica!


SULEIMAN DECLARES WAR ON RUSSIA, AGAIN, (and France & Egypt as well, evidently)



1967 AD:

While our offensive troops are on their way to St. Petersburg, dear Sultan, you should know that at least three French stacks are closing in on Wonsan.

A mild annoyance, I'm sure.

They'd be less annoying if we used a few of our extra Artillery to damage them, thus reducing their combat efficiency.

OK.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1969 AD:

More stacks have approached near Wonsan, dearest Sultan.

it was to be expected. It's usually a good idea to form multiple stacks when you have that many troops. Leaves you less vulnerable to a counter-stack of Artillery.

Usually, it is. Except that one of those stacks includes all of De Gaulle's Artillery, and barely anything else.

So what are you saying?

If we destroy only that stack, the French won't be able to bombard or cause collateral damage, dooming the other French stacks to failure.

Ooh! Devious! Kill the Artillery stack! Kill it all!

Later...

It has been done! And as we pressed "return," the French only dared sacrifice two Cavalries in a futile cause.

Woot!



1971 AD:

We have seized St. Petersburg!

Who da man? I be da man! I be pimpin', baby! Remember, I want Rostov, next!