echinococcus
Prince
What does a dutchman do after winning the European Soccer Championship?
Spoiler :
#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
- Start date
- Status
Hitti-Litti
Deity
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2006
- Messages
- 3,767
^
Cracked me up.
Cracked me up.
uat2d
ಠ_ಠ
Where can you see Benfica (a soccer team) winning the Championship ?
In the History Channel !
F.C.Porto however, is always winning...
In the History Channel !
F.C.Porto however, is always winning...
Deep Thought
S.A.G.A.P.O
Here is a "Dumb-Dumber-Neighbour"-joke.
Three [Insert the nationality your people is making fun of] were in a middle of a field. They notice a track. The first [Stupid national neighbour] said, "I think it's from a bunny". The second [Stupid national neighbour] said, "I think it's from a moose". The third [Stupid national neighbour] hadn't time to say anything, because they got overrun by a train.
Three [Insert the nationality your people is making fun of] were in a middle of a field. They notice a track. The first [Stupid national neighbour] said, "I think it's from a bunny". The second [Stupid national neighbour] said, "I think it's from a moose". The third [Stupid national neighbour] hadn't time to say anything, because they got overrun by a train.
thats awesome.. but put that as the english.... more fitting.
An American Decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would
start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you
could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same
golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked
a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could
talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would
start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you
could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same
golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked
a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could
talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
classical_hero
In whom I trust
Australia is heaven on Earth.
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men (Fall Catalogue)
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An . .. .. .. .. .. .. . When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102:
Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try.
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men (Fall Catalogue)
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An . .. .. .. .. .. .. . When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102:
Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try.
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
Someone just put that in the lame jokes thread 
One day, Jesus was walking through town when he noticed a commotion in the town square. He noticed that there was a woman in the center of the crowd. A man said to Jesus, "Lord, this woman was caught commiting adultery. She must be stoned!"
Jesus said, "Wait! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" The crowd went silent, then slowly dispersed until there was one middle-aged woman left. The woman picked up a large rock and threw it right at the cheating woman, killing her. Jesus turns to the woman and says, "Damn it, I'm trying to teach a lesson, Mom!"
One day, Jesus was walking through town when he noticed a commotion in the town square. He noticed that there was a woman in the center of the crowd. A man said to Jesus, "Lord, this woman was caught commiting adultery. She must be stoned!"
Jesus said, "Wait! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" The crowd went silent, then slowly dispersed until there was one middle-aged woman left. The woman picked up a large rock and threw it right at the cheating woman, killing her. Jesus turns to the woman and says, "Damn it, I'm trying to teach a lesson, Mom!"
CCRunner
Deity
- Joined
- May 13, 2008
- Messages
- 3,132
Someone just put that in the lame jokes thread
That was me too. Sorry.
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
Thorvald of Lym
A Little Sketchy
One evening, a C, an Eb, and a G go into a bar. Bartender says: "Sorry,
but we don't serve minors."
So E flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a
few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.
D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll
just be a second."
Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this
relative of C isn't a minor.
He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out,
you're the 7th minor I've found here tonight."
The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit
with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice
corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp
tonight, come on in. This could be a major development."
Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything
else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, & realizes in horror that he's under a
rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the
diminution of a minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda
at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's had only tenor so
patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become
alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
but we don't serve minors."
So E flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a
few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.
D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll
just be a second."
Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this
relative of C isn't a minor.
He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out,
you're the 7th minor I've found here tonight."
The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit
with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice
corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp
tonight, come on in. This could be a major development."
Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything
else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, & realizes in horror that he's under a
rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the
diminution of a minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda
at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's had only tenor so
patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become
alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
Ziggy Stardust
Absolutely Sane
Have you heard the one about the guy who goes into a bar. He sees a beautiful woman - a stunningly beautiful woman - and decides to approach her. Now, he’s nothing special to speak of: a little lumpy around the waist, a little scant on top. But he’s always had a way with the girls (who knows?) and decides to try his luck with this very sophisticated, fabulously turned out woman.
He chats her up for a while, buys her a drink. She’s alone and doesn’t seem to mind. Finally, he turns to her, looking deep into her eyes, and says, “Excuse me, I’m wondering, would you sleep with me for $1 million?”
She smiles - he’s joking, she thinks - and flutters her eyelashes. He reassures her that he’s very serious, pulls out his bank statement and shows her a very healthy balance. After several exchanges, she smiles and agrees.
He says, “You’re a beautiful woman. Very sexy. Very sophisticated. I’m wondering, would you sleep with me for $500.”
She’s insulted. “What kind of woman do you think I am?”
He smiles. “We’ve already established that,” he says, “now we’re just haggling over price.”
He chats her up for a while, buys her a drink. She’s alone and doesn’t seem to mind. Finally, he turns to her, looking deep into her eyes, and says, “Excuse me, I’m wondering, would you sleep with me for $1 million?”
She smiles - he’s joking, she thinks - and flutters her eyelashes. He reassures her that he’s very serious, pulls out his bank statement and shows her a very healthy balance. After several exchanges, she smiles and agrees.
He says, “You’re a beautiful woman. Very sexy. Very sophisticated. I’m wondering, would you sleep with me for $500.”
She’s insulted. “What kind of woman do you think I am?”
He smiles. “We’ve already established that,” he says, “now we’re just haggling over price.”
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
"Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But:
Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But:
Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Ziggy Stardust
Absolutely Sane
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an advert in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was queer and the other one a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the queer one, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house rather than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hour's every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said...
Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was queer and the other one a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the queer one, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house rather than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hour's every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said...
Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
sepamu92
Prince
That really surprised me!
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:
1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:
1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Thorvald of Lym
A Little Sketchy
- Status
