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Welcome to RandomLand!

Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by MaxWar, Nov 1, 2011.

  1. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    Hehehe, you guys will never guess what actually happened to Huunnnnnnssssss!

    edit: Btw thanks for the praise brandon.herren, glad you like it ;)
     
  2. Salts

    Salts Chieftain

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    Love this ! Great Story :)
     
  3. MoreEpicThanYou

    MoreEpicThanYou The most Epic.

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    Not Canada :P
    Welcome to the forums! :band: :band: :band: :band:

    We won't eat you, of course. :mischief:

    If anyone tells you that they are more epic than I am, they are LYING. Especially if the person's name is Tambien. :D
     
  4. Jwitti

    Jwitti Judas Maccabeus

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    WELCOME!!!
    I would have beat METY to it, but I missed that you were new... I don't look at the post count as often... Anyway,, welcome to CFC S&T, I suggest you upgrade to Infantry, Rifles, or Longbows :D :joke:
     
  5. Dumanios

    Dumanios MLG

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    The Huns ate Pancakes and Maple Syrup before riding DearDeers into the sunset?
     
  6. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    ROFL!! I wish the truth was as epic as this, yet there is some resemblance. Best of all, i was just playing Canada mod for the first time 5 mins ago and you come up with this, simply golden.
    :goodjob::trophy:

    You guys will discover what really happened in the next installment of Welcome to RandomLand! Possibly tomorrow.
     
  7. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    Episode 4: Attilla the puny.

    Wohoo!
    Hang on to your Horses! folks! We are going for another ride in the magical world of RandomLand!

    In this brand new episode, more silly talk of Cows! Horses! Helliphants! DearDeers! and yet once again NEW ANIMALS! ( we are going to run out of them sooner or later.) More importantly however we discover what happened to the scary horde of mean barbarians, also called Huunnnnnnssssss! Then of course we also have more looting, burning conquests and downright gratuitous Whipping!

    Heres what happpened:
    We concluded the last installment with our special troop "Goodbye China" team ready to wreak havoc once again on the pesky Mr.China man's territory. We also had this worrisome screeny where Attila the Huunnnnnn! and his mean barbarians was just about to cross our border and do unspeakable things to our defenseless people.

    Talking of unspeakable deeds; Asoka, faced with the lack of other solutions, was forced to sacrifice half of his own city's population in order to rush the training of some spearmen. Filled with worry Asoka closes his eyes and clicks "next turn" ...
    Spoiler :
    Asoka stares agape for a minute then goes: "WTF! They just left? where are they now?! Did i just kill half my population for naughts?? HorseMan! Did you see where they went?"
    HorseMan: "It seems they darted to the northwest right before disappearing in the fog of war."
    Asoka: "Quick! After them!"


    Oh here they are!


    And here!


    Seriously where the hell are they going?


    Oh here they are and looks like they are wounded!?


    Oh i see now, they suicided themselves on the walls of London. Ok guys, lets resume normal activity, nothing more to see here.

    And so Attila the puny went in the annals of history as the sorriest excuse of a barbarian warmonger ever. Speculative historians do not all agree on what might have motivated Attila to not attack India. Some points at the presence of spearmen, though most settle on Attila simply being a lackwit. However here, the Indian folklore of RandomLand prefer to believe that their Horses! simply refused to attack us because it is well known that we are the friends of all Horses! Hence they were forced to turn away And commit suicide...



    Anyway, in the meantime the "Goodbye China" team had received the order to proceed. The idiotic Qin Shi Huang was summoned once again and was given a wish-card containing deathtoll projection charts, for his archives. Just then we proceed to the casual looting and razing of the ******** city of Xian.
    Spoiler :



    This time we do not bother with burning the countryside as the capital of Beijing is poorly defended and we decide to add it to our growing collection of capital cities. Despite being terribly outnumbered, the defenders were strongly entrenched and the result was a long and bloody battle. However, in the fatefull year 345bc (aka turn 149) Beijing was captured... This event was followed by ten days of non stop looting and raping. Thankfully the death toll on our side was bearable but the troops were exhausted and a great many were wounded. We would have to recover here in the capital a little while before continuing the campaign.
    Spoiler :


    Soon after we receive the visit of the weirdly dressed Mansa. He is coming with an interesting offer about trading us the Secrets of Iron Working against a copy of our famous but hard to find "handbook of Horse!Riding technique". We realize this means he has beaten us on the Research of Alphabet so we haggle him into exchanging us the secrets of Alphabet instead. Realizing its only a question of time before we get it ourselves, he agrees. He has no idea how much we are pleased.
    Spoiler :



    Armed with our new and awesome Alphabetic wielding talking skill, we try to bully the secrets of IronWorking out of the China Man. He is very upset and refuses so we turn over to Gilgamesh and manage to obtain Polytheism from him.
    Spoiler :


    Then we received a publication from Thucydides about global wealth of nations. It is not so surprising we are not in the top spots as our money actually gets used. Unlike the other Morons up there who just pile it up, for exemple ... wait... Qin Shi Huang is in the top spot? That old bugger never bothered to tell us he was Stuffed to the brim! Following this news we switch our research direction to the development of Currency, in an effort to find a way to extort money from all those greedy neighbors.
    Spoiler :


    Here, soon after the borders of Istanbul had expended (a result of the glorious monument in honor of the big pretty Helliphants!) The Indian folk discover for the first time that things actually lived in the water. This discovery was celebrated by the Whipping to death of 200 000 Ottoman slaves and the rushing of our first library.
    Spoiler :
    However the Indian people quickly discover that the animals of the sea are not as cool as the animals of the land, such as Cows! ... First, you have the Clams! they are like a little ball of jelly living in a hollowed out rock ...
    Asoka's reaction upon being handled one of the Clams! for the first time is highly referenced in many of RandomLand's publications. It went like this: "WTF IS THAT THING?"
    Then you have the FishyFishies!, they are somewhat more cool the the Clams! as they have eyes and can move around but they are also pretty dumb. Furthermore, our folk quickly discovered they are not very cuddly as they tend to slip all over the place when you hold them. However, after a short while of :confused: our people soon discover that Clams! and FishyFishies! are pretty good to eat!


    Back on the Chinese front, our troop finally healed moves out of Beijing and put the city of Nanjing under siege. However our military advisers warn us that an attack of Nanjing would likely be very costly even if successful, as they have those spearmen that our Horses! really hate. We consider plan B and try to Extort some knowledge out of Qin Shi Huang. We try to get the knowledge of Mathematics but he resists and gives us his best "Evil face". We settle for Sailing and Masonry and let him live for another 10 turns.
    Spoiler :



    The pesky China man having been granted some more time, we tell our guys:"Sorry, you will still get to give it to him, but not today." Then we order them toward home where we have some problems with Ottoman cities popping up in places they should not.
    Spoiler :


    Then we made a survey about world military powers, it looks like Gilgamesh has been on the hire lately. Since our military, unlike the other top guys, is actually being used, we will have to double our efforts to stay in top spots.
    Spoiler :


    Talking about Gilgamesh, we receive some news from Victoria. Apparently she really hates the man and urges us to stop further trading with him.
    Spoiler :


    We immediately contact Gilgamesh and try to trade him our famous "Handbook of Horse!riding Technique" against the whole religious package deal. For some reason he does not take it very well. Taken aback by his ominous stare we quickly settle for a more humble trade against Monotheism and Priesthood, to which he agrees... fiew!
    Spoiler :



    With all this newly acquired religious package we finally convert to Buddhism and Asoka adopts a ruling method centered around organized religion, it would greatly enhances our ability to put up infrastructure. Thanks to Asoka's highly spiritual leadership, this transition does not disrupt the daily activities in any ways :)
    Spoiler :


    Right after this transition, a Highly pleased Isabella comes over to Asoka and uses her charms on him to try to get her own copy of our famed "Handbook of Horse!Riding Technique". At first Asoka is reticent, after all everybody else had to pay for it. But Isabella's smile just made all his resolve melt away and he agrees :love:
    Among the populace some whispers are starting to spread: that Asoka here has something going on about Isabella.
    Spoiler :


    At this point, Asoka's empire is still needing money and the coffers had run dry once again. Despite the local economy slowly starting to grow, we still need more gold if we want to keep afloat. Hence the next assault On Suleiman is about to begin. The Big hairy man is about to get a trimjob.
    Spoiler :


    Here we shall conclude with a screeny of the Indian empire as seen from above. It is very scattered and not yet very influential, but Asoka at this point is growing bolder and has BIG plans.
    Spoiler :



    To be continued...
     
  8. brandon.herren

    brandon.herren NorthKorea Waterbottles:)

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  9. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    Allright guys, i think we are going to have a RandomLand! update tonight!
     
  10. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    Sry could not update yesterday, internet was ill :yuck:
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    Episode 5: Suleiman and the Cow! of Death!

    Once again, Welcome to RandonLand!
    In this latest episode of the adventures of Asoka in the fabulous world of RandomLand; We keep up with our usual poetic exploration of the local fauna but more importantly: Cities get burned to the ground, populations are slaughtered, nations are destroyed and the crowning of the show; Some highly entertaining public executions!

    Here's what happened:
    In the last episode we concluded with our glorious hordes once again marching toward the domain of the wooly Suleiman. Considering his empire now consists of about 3 inhabitants living in the jungle, we do not expect much resistance.

    In our usual chivalric procedure we contact him first to announce him his imminent destruction:
    Spoiler :


    His two-cities empire will not last for long. Right after the declaration of war the first city is put to the torch.
    Spoiler :



    Because of his constant warring, some parts of the world were starting to consider Asoka as evil :devil:. Regarding the relation with other nations, Asoka was quoted saying: " If i have only one friend, let it be the strongest one!" An analysis revealed that Asoka was speaking the truth. Individuals such as Gilgamesh, Mansa and Victoria the cow! were known to have taken a bad opinion of the large amount of casualties Asoka inflicted on his neighbors. The zealous Isabella however highly approved of any harsh punishment inflicted on the unbelievers.
    Spoiler :


    We decide to assault the ottoman capital and reduce the number of defenders to a bare minimum.
    Spoiler :



    Then, feeling a bit of greed pity, Asoka contacts Suleiman and offers him one last chance to live in the form of a tribute gift to us. But he refuses and we are forced to capture his capital...
    This is the end of the Ottoman empire... All remaining population is assimilated to the Indian Culture and Suleiman is Captured.
    Spoiler :




    Frustrated from Suleiman's refusal to give up Iron Working, Asoka contacts good ol' grumpy Gilgamesh and manages to deal something.
    Spoiler :


    Following the post-conquest festivities, the populace started to ask for the death of Suleiman. Large crowds gathered near Asoka's palace and sang in favor of a public execution. Asoka would have to oblige, but the matter of the method used would first need to be addressed. Asoka consulted the cows! for inspiration and the method was finally decided.
    *To skip grisly depiction of execution, do not click spoiler*
    Spoiler :
    The method of the Brazen Cow! would be used, also called "Cow! of Death!" A large hollow Cow! made of bronze was built. It had a door on the side to allow the condemned to "enter". A fire would then be lit under the cow! and the person inside would roast to death! :mwaha:
    A system of tubes and horn was designed inside. It connected the hollow interior to the opened nostrils of the Cow!. It allowed the fumes to escape but the idea here is that the screams of the condemned would be distorted to sound like the bellowings of an infuriated animal :mwaha:


    One after one Suleiman's advisers and ministers were sent in the Cow! of death. The show lasted a whole day, to the mad drunken delight of the crowd. Then, after nightfall, Suleiman was escorted on the stage. Under the reddish glare of large bonfires, he was locked inside the Cow! of Death! He is said to have lasted by far the longest and his screams were the fiercest of all! The long ferocious wails tore the night in a fiery display of fire and death. It looked as though the very gorgons from hell walked the earth amidst a cloud of fire and smoke.


    In the end though everything went quiet and the fires were left to burn out by themselves. In the morning, the large quantity of charred bones was sold as trinkets and souvenirs to the tourists


    The ottoman empire now a thing of the past, we need to evaluate our next move. Following the acquisition of the Warlike science of ironworking, it was revealed that the only accessible source of iron was on the Pesky China Man's territory, near the city of Nanjing!
    Spoiler :


    The equation was very simple to Asoka: One source of iron = One owner of Iron. It could obviously not be left to the idiotic Qin Shi Huang... All available troops were immediately ordered toward Nanjing to ensure our Rightful possession of the Iron deposit.
    Spoiler :


    In the meantime, our enterprising fast workers had finally discovered a use for the pile of rock sitting just outside our glorious Capital of Dheli, they build a Quarry and decided they would use the rocks to build things! That is right folk, the Indian Civilization had been up for nearly 4000 years; it invented the working of metals, a complex method of writting, they worked delicate objects of gold, conquered many enemies and versed in the intricacies of international diplomacy but they were still, until now, totally clueless about what to do with that pile of rock...
    Spoiler :


    At this point our glorious horde was once again marching toward the enemy. Asoka ordered Fast workers to build roads through the northern jungles, in order to ensure quick transport of troops between China and the old kingdom of the Ottomans. In this time also began a period of expansion for the Indian Empire. Asoka felt that the time was ripe to order a massive colonization of the surrounding land, before the opportunity was stolen by some greedy neighbor. Moreover, he was filled with concerns about the lagging economy, so in order to acquire some badly needed technologies, he ordered the two most productive cities to concentrate all their output on research. Which meant the army could not supply soldiers as efficiently.

    How will this all turn out ?
    -The new assault on China...
    -The dangerous stretching of the Indian army.
    -The new research effort cutting a significant amount of army output.
    -The new expansion wave gobbling even more ressources...

    This was a lot to consider and all this needed doing. Asoka knew he was taking risks, but he also knew their was no gain without risks!

    To be continued.
    -------------------------------------------
    Reference:
    I must give credits to the ancient Greeks for the original design of the Brazen Bull ( aka cow! of death )
     
  11. strijder20

    strijder20 Wallowing in irony

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    I like Sully's facial expression on his first screenshot.
     
  12. Jwitti

    Jwitti Judas Maccabeus

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    You missed something.
     
  13. hoplitejoe

    hoplitejoe Top fun-poster

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    Y U NOT SETTLE THE FLOOD PLAIN?i
     
  14. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    I do make an effort to take good pictures :D

    *Facepalm* Thanks! Fixed!

    !! you are right, i need to settle that floodplain for $. Part of it is already settled with the DearDeer! city, but there is still more to this large floodplain, as long as i can grab it before Victoria.

    edit: btw maybe ill update once again tonight, i played quite a bit Thursday and im like two updates in advance, so now i need to write :p
     
  15. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    Now i am mightily pissed :mad:

    I was almost done writing my next epic update, one of the longest to boot, when stupid windoze BSOD on me!! Searched like mad in firefox cache to try and recover, no use!!!

    I have to start all over again! I shall remember to reboot in Linux next time i want to write an update AAARRRGGH :mad::mad::mad:

    Edit: Ok, i cooled off a little, accepted my loss, uncapped a cold one and had the good idea to: from now on regularly save your draft in html format " Duh! "
     
  16. brandon.herren

    brandon.herren NorthKorea Waterbottles:)

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    Awww.... Is it coming soon? :)
    Anyways, I always save mine on word out of fear of that happening... Blue screens are the worst...
     
  17. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    Episode 6: The vicious Victoria!

    Once again i have the pleasure to welcome you in the world of RandomLand!

    In this very special episode of the adventures of Asoka in the magical world of RandomLand ( so special i had to write it twice :mad:) : We discuss in a poetic way about the beautiful four-legged things nature has offered us but more importantly: Merciless warfare continues as towns are looted, populations are slaughtered and deadly combat grinds whole armies into wet bloody pulp!

    Here's what happpened:
    We concluded the previous episode with a screeny of our glorious forces marching toward the territories of the Pesky China Man. Soon they would once more wage total war on the unsuspecting Chinese peasants!

    In the fateful year of 35BC the northern jungle road is nearly completed and our troops are next to the border waiting for the imminent order to attack. Our main Horse!Rider van will move up from the south and a group of angry axemen at the northwest have the order to destroy the Chinese iron mines. This should prevent them from spawning more of their advanced units.
    Spoiler :



    And the mandatory declaration of war is issued... :c5angry:
    Spoiler :


    However in the meantime it was brought to our attention that the Cow! queen Victoria had just built a new settlement in the flood plains west of our capital. WAIT! ..... WHAT?... They just built a settlement... in OUR floodplain! *HopliteJoe looks toward MaxWar :hmm:*
    Well, yeah, Hmmmm. On a more positive perspective it also means she will build cottages there and make sure they are just ripe when we are ready to either loot or capture them :D
    Spoiler :


    With the floodplains just denied to us we instead settle the fertile lands of the old Ottoman Empire. This is the first move of a new expansion wave to counter the rapid growth of our neighbor. Soon Victoria will start popping cities all over the place, shamelessly robbing land rightfully belonging to us!
    Spoiler :


    To balance things out, the borders of the city near the DearDeer! had just expanded. It allowed the fast workers in the vicinity to build camps in order to observe and get closer to the Magnificent DearDeers! Asoka is highly pleased and announces a week long national holiday!
    Spoiler :


    However no holiday for our brave soldiers on the Chinese front! Right after the mandatory declaration, quick work was done of the Chinese iron mines. Following this event, ferocious combats ensue near Nanjing. The highly entrenched enemies + last minute recruitment on the Chinese camp resulted in a bloody battle. Despite casualties and a fair number of wounded in our rank, we manage to capture the City of Nanjing and lay claim the the resource of Iron!
    Spoiler :


    *At this point you will have to forgive the narrator for he got too immersed in the game and ferocious combats and forgot to take a couple of screenies... We will use words to make up for it.*

    Following the sacking of Nanjing, our forces were drunk with the glory of conquest. They decided to immediately push further toward the hearth of China. Not yet healed from the last battle they nonetheless made a brave sortie and headed directly toward the Chinese capital.
    However when crossing the woods southeast of Nanjing, they were ambushed by a furtive Chinese guerrilla! They were attacked by a never seen before engine of war. This thing, we later learned, was called a Catapult! It rained death on our advancing army and many of our softened troops were slaughtered by the cowardly Chinese swordsmen following in it's wake.
    Our shocked and bloodied army was forced on a strategic retreat toward the cities. Many nearby armed units were scrambled toward the front in an effort to prevent the incoming counter attack from taking back any of our cities. Chinese slaves were worked to death in tens of thousand to put up minute defenses. In the end, the Counter Attack was thwarted but it was a close call. This was a painful lesson for Asoka.

    Here is a screeny of the region right after these events took place. The surviving troops were allowed to heal in the cities while Asoka planned his revenge...
    Spoiler :


    It should also be noted on the previous picture that our coffers had been somewhat replenished and that for the first time in millenniums, the Indian scientific effort was running at 100%!

    This is in part due to the spoils of the conquest of Nanjing but more important is the fact that Indian scientists had finally managed to research the secrets of currency!
    This in itself helped our economy only a little, however it allowed Asoka to make a series of shrewd diplomatic transactions!
    Spoiler :



    This greatly worked to our advantage. Not only did we acquire several key technologies, but we also made money and this would allow us to quickly complete our research of Aesthetics, which is vital to our plans! None the least because since the very beginnings of time, the Indian empire has always been fascinated by beauty! Such as the beautiful Horses!, the big pretty Helliphants! and of course, the magnificiant DearDeers! :love:

    In this period, our neighbor Victoria was starting to really piss us off! Her cities were popping all over the place and we absolutely needed to concentrate our efforts on counter-settling and developing our infrastructure!

    Asoka realized that the war against China would need to be put at rest in order to execute these priorities. However Asoka decided to launch one last daring move :mischief:
    All available mounted forces were sent through the Chinese territory in a scattered formation and managed to destroy several improvements, such as their copper mines. Right after Asoka managed a lucrative peace with the idiotic China man :lol:
    Spoiler :



    In a response to Victoria's vicious colonization, we ourselves started popping more cities in the border regions in order to deny her as much land as possible.
    Spoiler :


    This was a race against time. ( or rather, against Victoria! )
    The immediate goal was to take up the space before she would!
    To conclude this episode we shall look at a screeny of the known world in this fateful turn #191!
    Spoiler :


    Now this is worrisome...
    -We have not yet managed to crush the Chinese menace
    -The vicious Victoria is stealing our land!
    -The Once conquering Indian army had been reduced to a mere stretched out defense force.

    While this looks a bit bleak, Asoka still has grand plans in mind!
    How will this all turn out?

    To be continued...
     
  18. hoplitejoe

    hoplitejoe Top fun-poster

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    It was worth writing twice :thumbsup:
     
  19. MaxWar

    MaxWar King

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    Thanks! :D

    Im just done playing the next turnset, things are getting pretty exciting really! I can't wait to write the next update, likely tommorow!
     
  20. Jwitti

    Jwitti Judas Maccabeus

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    Exclamation Mark!
     

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