Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by MaxWar, Nov 1, 2011.
Right! I think ill have to add this in my signature.
Nice! Update! Do! you! plan! to! attack! Victoria!?
You mean the great big talking Cow! Victoria?
I would approximate this to a 100% probable eventuality.
Episode 7: Asoka gets angry
It is once again my honor to welcome you in the enthralling world of RandomLand!
In this unique episode: The Indian Empire spreads its tentacles through the land. Vast cities are founded, marvelous monuments are erected, massive human sacrifices are ordered but more importantly...
We meet some new friends and hug them! Then Asoka gets Really pissed off!
Here's what happened:
We closed the last episode with a screeny of the known world depicting the new struggle for land to which Asoka and his empire are currently confronted.
There is still however in this land much beauty left to discover! And we are not talking here about warfare but something even MORE beautiful than that!
They were first sighted by our fast workers while scouting the jungles north of Edirne, following the expansion of the city. There was a clearing and they were just there, strolling around in the sparse vegetation, sunbathing in the nice weather and simply enjoying life ... PORKS!
Asoka was immediately dispatched on site. The friendly Porks! were just so happy and they all gathered around him. They were so cute with their little oink oink sounds, their pretty pink color and their funny nose. It was nearly too much for Asoka who fell on his knees and nearly cried. He then turned around facing his nearby War General and told him: "We should invent the leash and bring them into battle with us, it would totally fu*k our enemies up." Nodding, the general replied: "Yes, the Chinese may even mistake them for their leader Qin Shi huang and start bowing down instead of fighting."
To celebrate the discovery of the first Porks!, Asoka orders a mass sacrifice of Ottoman slaves and the building of a Temple in the city of Edirne.
In the meantime, Grand things were also happening in the capital Delhi! The very first Indian wonder was built! At first we wanted to make a huge statue of a Cow! but it was argued that this would not be intimidating enough so instead we made a statue of some dude called Zeus. Apparently this guy is extremely Badass so we think that having a huge statue of him will make all our enemies really hate to be at war with us. Because we have such a Badass statue!
Shortly after we are informed that a Barbarian force is approaching one of our city. Remembering the episode with Attila the Huuunnnnn!, we brace ourselves for something totally random.
Here they come!
And they cross our borders this time!!!! .... wait ... ?
since when does the AI attack with workers? This is RandomLand for you! And this is slaves for us!
Now was this a Construction pop-up we just saw there? Of course it was! This discovery is very relevant for us. The Indian folks have been living with the big pretty Helliphants! for a good long while now. They had quickly discovered that the Helliphants! were very good at trampling stuff and taking things down to the ground. The Indians had always loved this trait as it is something they like to do themselves. Now with this new technology we had the idea of building a small house on top of the big helliphants! and use it to ride the Helliphants! into battle, so they can trample the enemy and take their cities to the ground!
To celebrate, Asoka orders the mass sacrifice of thousands of Chinese slaves and the construction of a temple in the city of Nanjing!
In the meantime the Vicious Victoria is still building more cities on our land so we send one of our own settler in the northern region, to deny here the pile of Rocks that lay there.
We then receive a missive from Mansa who politely asks us for Open border. It is obviously a trick as we know he is locked in his own small tiny kingdom and probably wants to get out with settlers and rob our land too. DENIED!
We build some new cities in strategic locations: To celebrate we sacrifice 10 000 Ottoman slaves and build a granary somewhere...
Then the second Magnificent Wonder of the Indian empire is completed! Some people "wonder" (..hahaha) why Asoka built this thing but our wise seers predict it will prove to be full of win in the future!
It should be noted at this point that this game is being a b1tch to us. We mean by that: our religion (Buddhism) just does not spreads. Hinduism However is spreading all over the place and is in all our cities. Of course we do not want to switch to this Sinful Heathen doctrine! So we have to train missionaries, who just fail their missions half of the time...
Furthermore we are broke once again. The highly needed research of Feudalism is lagging. We decide to sell our knowledge of Aesthetics to everyone, they do not value it much, but since we have the Badass Statue of Zeus already, its no big deal. We do not sell it to Victoria however, because she's a just a big Vicious b!tch!
It then came to our attention that the Pesky China Man is once again starting to build cities in totaly ******** places... Seriously, his time is due. We send our very first Helliphant! Rider toward his border, to show off a little.
We keep up with our settling campaing!
If all this was not awesome enough, we are almost done building our Third marvelous wonder, The Temple of Artemis! L@@K! Only one turn left!
Asoka clicks next turn...
A foreman comes up to Asoka's office and knocks,
<Foreman> Uh... Sir, sorry to disturb you but i need to inform you that we ran into some kind of problem over at the Temple of Artemis building site.
<Asoka> What kind of problem, i though the temple was almost completed?
<Foreman> It was... we were just finishing the paint job when suddenly the whole building imploded, became an infinitely small point of light then with a loud bang it exploded into a mountain of gold.
<Asoka> WHAAAT!! WTF IS THIS CRAZY TALK?
*Asoka looks out the windows and sure the temple of Artemis is gone*
<Foreman> Sir, we just received news this morning that the Chinese had completed the Temple of Artemis in their own capital.
<Asoka> WHAAAAT!!!?! AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHGHHH !! NOT THEM AGAIN !!!
*Asoka throws chair on the stone wall and foreman flees for his life*
And so Asoka was so angry he spent the whole day screaming profanities and randomly breaking furniture in his own palace. Everyone fled before his wrath.
The very next day a grumpy Asoka summons his war generals to inform them of his plan. China needs to be dealt with once and for all. Massive sacrifices were perpetrated. Slaves and Indian citizens alike were killed at work to produce many Helliphants!Riders and Catapults in a Hurry. We could not play with them pesky Chinese anymore, this time it would be to the death! CHINA WAS A VERY INSULT TO THE CONCEPT OF EVERYTHING!
Then Asoka sent a missive to the evil Qin shi Huang to inform him India was coming...
To be continued...
Nice update. I think the AI are programmed to build wonders right before you do... It once happened 5 times to me in one game
dat barb worker
Nice stuff! How do you get those diplo screens to look that small?
Very, very, very, very large screen resolution?
One would know that Helliphaunts are very good at trampling stuff, and studies show that Chinese soldiers are considered 'stuff'. Therefore, Helliphaunts are good at trampling Chinese Soldiers.
1920x1200 resolution does it all by itself ( Yes Jwitti, i know, lowecase p, but i still prefer the tongue on the side )
It does make more sense...
Episode 8: Click the spoiler if you want to know!
Guess what folks? Its time for an update!
In this episode: Warfare continues its exciting course into a new
chapter of chaos and destruction! Carnage, looting, city torching, all
the good stuff you have come to expect but the most important of All:
Read the story and you will know.
Why do you keep clicking, i told you to read the story!
No new animal! in this one sorry
Ok if you really want to know, just keep clicking.
China gets totally pwned!!!
Here's what happened:
We concluded the last episode with a portrait of the Evil Qin Shi Huang (aka Mr.China Man) just as he was receiving yet another declaration of war. ( He must have quite a collection of them by now).
Of course this war was a bit rushed because it could not wait, so it was rushed... hmm yeah... As in all rushed things there were some side effects. We mean by that massive human sacrifices in the hundreds of thousands. Mostly Chinese folks of course! All of this so we could have a couple more catapults and a few more Helliphants! on the field.
Our glorious army is once again walking in Chinese territory. The first target will be those layabout good-for-nothing Spearmen. Then of course the town of Hangzhou will be assaulted.
Those spearmen were no big deal for our mean Axemen. After a brief siege, our army quickly takes care of that eyesore called Hangzhou. Of course it is razed since everybody agreed that it was polluting the scenery. Our glorious Helliphant!Riders proved very effective for the task!
After a very brief rest, reinforcements join our army and we march again to put the new Chinese capital under siege. The defenders, stunned by our catapults, are about to get literally crushed!
Their weakened position followed by our ferocious assault left them no chances. The city is captured and there was no significant casualties on our side, all the units are still standing.
One of our Helliphant!Rider showed exceptional skill and bravado during the taking of the capital. He is said to have single-handedly dispatched several dozens of the enemy defenders during the initial attack. He was first to break through the defenses and enter the city where he headed straight for the palace. He entered the building from a huge breach made by catapults and rode his Helliphant! right through the palace while setting it afire. When he finally emerged on the other side, his nacelle was filled to the brim with riches and gold and he had Qin Shi Huang's personal adviser impaled upon his Helliphant!'s tusks. Seeing their first imperial adviser skewered on the animal's defenses, all remaining Chinese forces surrendered.
The name of this soldier was soon known to all: Abdul the Helliphant!Rider. His skill, fearlessness and laughing attitude made him an instant National Hero. Here you can see Abdul as he was trampling the city's last line of defense.
After the combats, tales of Abdul the Helliphant!Rider quickly started to spread all over India. He was immediately summoned to Delhi where he was greeted by Asoka himself. Under the deafening cheers of the crowd he was escorted in Asoka's palace and was promoted Great General.
As it is now the site of an Historic battle, Asoka decides to himself visit the newly conquered Chinese Capital. Upon arrival, what does he find? Just there, waiting for him? The Temple of Artemis! " Ohh, Qin Shi... Really, you should not have!"
Talking of the evil Qin Shi... Like a coward he fled his burning capital and retreated to his very last city where he was stubbornly defended by the last bastion of the Chinese military. Our army keeps the momentum and follows him.
In the meanwhile our glorious empire finally managed to develop the knowledge of Feudalism. Following the announcement, Asoka was quoted saying: "China, we are about to go medieval on your rice bowl!" Nobody understood what he meant but Historians declared this officially marked the beginning of a new era.
Just as we are besieging the very last Chinese settlement, we were informed that the Vicious Victoria and her equally vicious Englishmen have been fomenting treason. They discussed the idea of actually sending China some resources in order to help their war against us! It is too bad that China is one turn away from extinction, otherwise it might almost have annoyed us. Now the only thing that will eventually come out of it are Legions of angry Helliphants! rampaging through Victoria's lands.
Yes, in case you haven't figured yet, she's next.
It should also be noted that for the first time in recorded history, the Indian empire is the first nation in the the score ranking!
Now, on to a very informative view from above:
While we are lagging behind in technology, it is becoming obvious that the strength of the Indian empire is sheer size. Our settling and conquest gave us the edge as we have the biggest empire and, despite the ludicrous amount of human sacrifice taking place on a regular basis, the largest population. Furthermore we still have more room to colonize while the other guys are locked in fixed borders, this should give us what we need for DOMINATION!
It should also be noted how badly our economy sucks though. With the research slider at 0% we are netting a spectacular +4 gold! Yeah that is right, a good thing we have other means of getting money. Code of law is our priority at this point, we need to put some order in this large empire. In this case, order means money. This also means more ornament for our big pretty war Helliphant!
Oh, and forgot to add, in the meantime we destroyed China.
With the last of their population being enslaved ( + 4 fast workers, new total = 12) and the Pesky China Man himself under custody, an important page of RandomLand's history was turned. Asoka, a bit emotional, made a little speech for the occasion. It went like this:
"On this fateful day, i welcome all surviving Chinese population as part of our glorious ever expending empire. You shall be put at work building roads immediately.
I also want to personally thank Qin Shi huang, for putting up with us all these years. He was always there when we needed him. Qin shi, we would never have gotten this far without you. You shall be remembered, always."
Qin Shi huang was then escorted on the stage and you probably guess what happens next:
With China no longer obstructing the view we can finally contemplate the borders with our new Neighbor Mansa! The idea of attacking him right then has been considered but since we Hate the Vicious Victoria so much more, it just would not be right...
Our army will now need to walk all the long way back to the other side of the gigantic Indian empire, it is expected to take about 100 years. We will take advantage of these years to strengthen our infrastructure and get ready for another millennium of mayhem! Which will be the subject of our next Episode!!
In the meantime, If you ever happen to walk by Qin Shi Huang's funeral urn, offer flowers, say a short prayer then slap it with a dead Fish!
To be continued...
Nice update! This was the best bit:
Hehe, thanks. Glad some people like those random pseudo-puns
Pretty good. Reminds me of METY and Olaf combined.
Thanks everyone for the positive comments
I really enjoy doing this. Also, i think this has to be my best Civ4 game so far, glad it turned out this way for my first story!
But is it me of Epic speed makes it somewhat easier? Or possibly its because all the other leaders are wimps, i feel like a wolf among sheep in this game.
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