Taurus April 20 - May 20 With stars in your eyes (and guiding your future) you'll walk into a lamppost. Which will hurt, though not in any sort of permanently crippling manner.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 You will feel an indescribable urge to do something, which we'd elaborate more upon, if it was describable, which it isn't, so we won't.
Cancer June 21 - July 22 You should take the utmost care in picking your lottery numbers this week, as if, perchance, you choose a certain combination it'll spell out the secret name of God the cabalists (not the ones mentioned below, different group) have been trying to come up with and the world will end. And you'll still not have won the lottery, so you'll end up being not rich, unpopular for having ended the world, and possibly feeling guilty about that.
Leo July 23 - August 22 An emu has been tagging along with you for the better part of the week, however, and you feel you might be able to be friends, if only you could break down the deeply ingrained anti-emu-friend lessons you'd learned as a youth.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 The phrase "puppies from heaven" never came into popular usage, despite your intense lobbying for it to become a pop culture 'hip phrase', as they're known, following your faux pas at a party. You'd know the reason why your lobbying was fruitless if you knew of the cabal working to keep such a phrase out of the common domain and the horrible secret behind its usage.
Libra September 23 - October 22 Your favorite food this week is chicken wings. This isn't up for debate, and if you're vegetarian just pretend chickens aren't all that bright, anyway, and probably deserve to be turned into little sticky delicacies.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21 You have a big fat nothing for a horoscope. Coincidentally, a big fat nothing will feed a family of four comfortably for a week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Remember Weebles? Remember how cute and wobbly and plastic they were? Your week is going to remarkably similar.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19 You are the bee's knees this week. Which is better than next week, when you're the antelope's rump.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Neglecting the voices in your head (the bulk of which are saying "Don't be cruel to animals or people with large, pointy teeth," though there are a few reciting "Paradise Lost" in German, which you didn't realise the voices knew, and one rather annoying one that's singing Barry Manilow tunes. Badly. Yeah, I know. You see why it's annoying, then.) may result in you becoming a vampire
Pisces February 19 - March 20 People are trying to smear you with bananas this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your week will involve thirteen chickens, a bucket of soap, seven candles, and a soap tray. What you do with them will be a sign of your ingenuity and a harbinger of things to come and probably prosperity and some other sort of thing. A word of warning: If you are in New Orleans or Haiti you will be accused of practising voodoo.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 You will feel an indescribable urge to do something, which we'd elaborate more upon, if it was describable, which it isn't, so we won't.
Cancer June 21 - July 22 You should take the utmost care in picking your lottery numbers this week, as if, perchance, you choose a certain combination it'll spell out the secret name of God the cabalists (not the ones mentioned below, different group) have been trying to come up with and the world will end. And you'll still not have won the lottery, so you'll end up being not rich, unpopular for having ended the world, and possibly feeling guilty about that.
Leo July 23 - August 22 An emu has been tagging along with you for the better part of the week, however, and you feel you might be able to be friends, if only you could break down the deeply ingrained anti-emu-friend lessons you'd learned as a youth.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 The phrase "puppies from heaven" never came into popular usage, despite your intense lobbying for it to become a pop culture 'hip phrase', as they're known, following your faux pas at a party. You'd know the reason why your lobbying was fruitless if you knew of the cabal working to keep such a phrase out of the common domain and the horrible secret behind its usage.
Libra September 23 - October 22 Your favorite food this week is chicken wings. This isn't up for debate, and if you're vegetarian just pretend chickens aren't all that bright, anyway, and probably deserve to be turned into little sticky delicacies.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21 You have a big fat nothing for a horoscope. Coincidentally, a big fat nothing will feed a family of four comfortably for a week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Remember Weebles? Remember how cute and wobbly and plastic they were? Your week is going to remarkably similar.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19 You are the bee's knees this week. Which is better than next week, when you're the antelope's rump.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Neglecting the voices in your head (the bulk of which are saying "Don't be cruel to animals or people with large, pointy teeth," though there are a few reciting "Paradise Lost" in German, which you didn't realise the voices knew, and one rather annoying one that's singing Barry Manilow tunes. Badly. Yeah, I know. You see why it's annoying, then.) may result in you becoming a vampire
Pisces February 19 - March 20 People are trying to smear you with bananas this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your week will involve thirteen chickens, a bucket of soap, seven candles, and a soap tray. What you do with them will be a sign of your ingenuity and a harbinger of things to come and probably prosperity and some other sort of thing. A word of warning: If you are in New Orleans or Haiti you will be accused of practising voodoo.
Im a leo!
