18 Civs; the Aztec Version

[Pacifist46]

OK so I finally found time to post this story, what with going back to school and everything getting in the way. I am gonna be playing as teh Aztecs on the 18 Civs Earth map. Difficulty level is Noble (otherwise it wouldn't be that interesting)

The Story of 18 Civs; the Aztec Version
Played on Noble
4000BC​

Grand Emperor Montezuma’s council convenes for the first time
MONTEZUMA: Now, down to business, fools. The gods have chosen this auspicious day for the Aztecs to finally begin their meteoric rise to greatness. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha !
Popol Feracatl (Expansion, economic and exploration advisor): Erm, mwa-ha. I thought you said that the Aztecs were already great as possible, due to your unbelievable leadership?
MONTEZUMA: A-yeeeeeeeeees, but I LIED! Get over your lack of intelligence, fool.
Axa Yacatl(Cultural and Religious advisor): Yeah, our Emperor got over his years ago.
MONTEZUMA: AXAAAA! You are treading the thin path, my friend, the thin path.
Yuca Tan (Military Advisor): I take it game plan is war?
MONTEZUMA: I admit now, I haven’t planned much past that.
AXA: What about a religion?
MONTEZUMA: Of course we need RELIGION, you foooool. Otherwise the gods would rain down bloooooood upon us. So we’ll make a run at Hinduism, although some other idiot called Saladin may get there first. How little he knows.
POPOL: . . . far outstrips your intelligence.
MONTEZUMA: POPOL!
POPOL: Erm . . . you didn’t let me finish. I said, far outstrips your intelligence, Axa.
MONTEZUMA: Oh. I totally agree with you, Popol, you’re right.
AXA: Can we just get on with the starting position?
MONTEZUMA: That’s what I’ve been trying to doooooooo, but you keep INTERRUPTING!
POPOL: Okay, here’s the starting position:

 

[Pacifist46]

POPOL: I already moved our scouts 1 NW, so we need to make a decision now. I’m not sure, but I think 1NE looks best. It avoids mountains to the west and south, and settles on the sea, and we need a lot of ships this game.
MONTEZUMA: No WAAAAAAAAAY am I taking your ideas! I say, settle in place for the hell of it.
POPOL: But . . .
MONTEZUMA: Butt - out, you fool.
POPOL: Erm . . . , I’ve changed my mind, I think settle in place.
MONTEZUMA: WHAT? In that case, 1NE immediately!
POPOL: Good . . . I mean bad choice, my lord, but your orders cannot be ignored.
MONTEZUMA: Exaaaaaaactly! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

MONTEZUMA: AAAAAAAAAAH! You bastards! I miss out on stone and deer!
POPOL: Granted, but actually you gain spice, settle on the coast and get three less mountains. I think it was a good decision I, erm, you made.
MONTEZUMA: It was? Yes, yes of course it was, fool. Leave decisions to Monty, he KNOWS.
YUCA: Yuca not like Polytheism research. Yuca thinks Mining more important.
AXA: Yuca will have the whole game to wipe people out.
MONTEZUMA: ALRIGHT! Bugger off, and don’t forget to come back next time. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

3840BC​

Montezuma has visitors
STRANGER: Greetings! I am Roosevelt of the American Empire. I hope that our two great peoples can live together in peace.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah. Peace. Sure. Good luck with that.
ROOSEVELT: Thank you, uh, Mr Monnazuma sir, it’s, uh, mighty kind of you.
MONTEZUMA: I am a niiiiiiiiiiiiiice guy, Roosevelt. In fact, don’t bother building any troops, because you won’t need them against me, that’s for sure.
ROOSEVELT: Uh, I’ll take that into consideration Mr Monnazuma. Uh, goodbye! (Roosevelt exits)

MONTEZUMA: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Am I good or what?
AXA: What, and surely Roosevelt isn’t thick enough to fall for you.
MONTEZUMA: I think you’ll find, Axa, that you are misssstaken.
YUCA: Yuca likes plan. Yuca thinks lordship was clever.
POPOL: Yuca, go and play with your fellow Yucca plants.
YUCA: Yuca not know what you mean.
MONTEZUMA: At least Yuca knows what he’s talking about. Most people think he’s an idiot, but I have found he always agrees with me. Which makes him allllllllways right.
AXA: I wouldn’t say this empire was run by idiots . . .
MONTEZUMA: GOOD!
AXA: . . . because I just wouldn’t dare.

 

[Pacifist46]

3800BC​

The scouts encounter a village
POPOL: The goody hut gave us . . . a map! I love maps, don’t you sire?
MONTEZUMA: Not as much as I love KILLING people who make me WAIT! What did the map shoooooow?
POPOL: That there is a mountainous region to the north. That’s it!
MONTEZUMA: WOW, I’m soooooo glad I asked. Now go, and let me plot. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

3640 BC​

The first religion is founded
AXA: Buddhism now exists in a foreign land.
MONTEZUMA: Heathens! Bring them to our temples!
AXA: Erm . . . that might be difficult, because . . .
MONTEZUMA: I don’t care. Just do it, noooooooooow! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
AXA: Erm, fine, if you’re . . . erm, prepared to wait.
MONTEZUMA: I’ll wait. What am I waiting for? Hell, I’ve forgotten. Oh well.

 

[Pacifist46]

3520BC​

The Hindu quest succeeds.
MONTEZUMA: A- MWA-ha-ha-HA-HA! A-HA-HA-HA! We rule Hinduism! At last, it is mine! All mine! Except for convertees, of course.
AXA: And the great thing is, Spiritual gives us no Anarchy while converting.
POPOL: We started Agriculture, my lord.
MONTEZUMA: Hoooooold on. Agriculture?
POPOL: Erm . . . yeah, it’s, erm, a military tech. Aggro – Culture. Teaches aggression.
MONTEZUMA: They should just ask me. I’d tell them what I know.
AXA: And wouldn’t that take long?

 

[Pacifist46]

3240BC​

More events occur
POPOL: The hut gave us 97 gold, a reasonable amount.
MONTEZUMA: Ha! We Aztecs scorn cries of mercy. How glorious!
AXA: Wow, you took an undefended village.
MONTEZUMA: Impressive, yeeeeees. What next?
POPOL: We finished Agriculture, and need a new tech choice.
YUCA: Yuca says his turn choose.
AXA: Sorry, Yux mate, but turns are divided by ratio of brain power, making your turn . . . in 6000 years.
YUCA: Okay, as long as Yuca not short-changed.
MONTEZUMA: NO! It is his turn actually Axa, you had Polytheism and Popol got Aggro – Culture.
YUCA: Cool! Yuca choose Mining.
AXA: (groan) What about Meditation?
MONTEZUMA: NOOOOOOOOO! Yuca chose MINING! A-Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

2640BC​

America is discovered
POPOL: I don’t know what took Columbus so long, we’ve found them already.
MONTEZUMA: A-HA! Declare war!
YUCA: What?
MONTEZUMA: I said, declare war!
YUCA: No!
MONTEZUMA: Traitor! Axa, kill him. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
AXA: Sire, you . . .
MONTEZUMA: Shut UP, you festering carcass. Now kill him. Sacrifice him to the gods!
AXA: Just wait a minute, my lord, you’re . . .
MONTEZUMA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! I’m surrounded by traitors! Stay back, you two, I’m armed!
YUCA: OK, OK, we’ll declare war.
MONTEZUMA: What? Good. Finally!

(Montezuma exits)

POPOL: What?
YUCA: Not really. He’ll forget by tomorrow.

 

[Pacifist46]

2360BC​

The first settler is built
POPOL: We have a decision to make.
AXA: Oh, great. Here we go.
MONTEZUMA: I’ve beeeeeeeeen thinking, and the best place for this city is definitely on that mountain, 3NW of here.
POPOL: What? But you can’t . . .
MONTEZUMA: Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. I’m never wrong, so your logic is flawed.
POPOL: Guys! A little help here!
AXA: What he means, sire, is . . .
MONTEZUMA: I know he means well, Axa, you don’t have to tell me that. But he’s wrooooong! I’M settling on that mountain.
YUCA: Yuca like plan.
MONTEZUMA: See? Me and Yuca are the brains of this empire. I don’t know what would happen without us.
POPOL: Why did I have to be born here?
MONTEZUMA: Right, no further objections then. Send out the Settler, Popol.
POPOL: Me? Erm, . . . ok.

 

[Pacifist46]

2240BC​

The Wheel and Bronze Working have been completed
MONTEZUMA: And is there any bloooooooooody copper around? NO! It’s north of that gold.
AXA: At least that delays war.
MONTEZUMA: Ha! You think so?
AXA: Well . . . no, I suppose not.
MONTEZUMA: So shut upppppp! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: Teotihuacan has been founded . . . 4N and 1E of Tenochtitlan like you decided sire.
MONTEZUMA: Did I? Great decision! Proves that I’m the top guy.
YUCA: Wait . . .
MONTEZUMA: What?
YUCA: No, nothing actually. I just thought, new city . . . no, it’s where you said.
MONTEZUMA: Yuca, I think I’d know if the city was in the wrong place. I’m not completely and utterly moronic, you know. I’d be a total idiot not to notice.
AXA: Yes, I agree sire.
MONTEZUMA: Good. Now start AH! I could do with some chariots. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1640BC​

A brief meeting is held
POPOL: Our scout defeated a wolf.
MONTEZUMA: I should think so! Jeeeeeez, it would be a pretty lame scout if it couldn’t beat a wolf. What else?
POPOL: Erm . . . nothing.
MONTEZUMA: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! You called a meeting for that?
POPOL: Erm . . . yeah. I’m sorry.
MONTEZUMA: You ever experienced a sacrificial ritual, Popol? Because you’re about to get a very good idea of what it’s about. We’re going to sacrifice your brains and heart to the gods!
POPOL: Erm . . . but sire, I haven’t got any brains, so the gods might think you’re taking the mick. If you know what I mean.
MONTEZUMA: Fair point. You’re spared then, for now. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1440BC​

Wolves again feature in the agenda
POPOL: Guess what? Our scout defeated a wolf.
MONTEZUMA: You already told me, you malodorous rat.
POPOL: No, they repeated that feat here, and gained the Woodsman I Promotion!
MONTEZUMA: Remember what I said about time-wasting and brain surgery, Popol.
POPOL: Oh, yeah. Well, we’ve also researched AH and Fishing, and nearly have Iron Working.
MONTEZUMA: This feels like an anticlimax.
POPOL: Bear with me, we also have to decide where our next city goes.
MONTEZUMA: AHA! I’m good at this.
AXA: Sire, could we . . .
MONTEZUMA: Now, I know what you’re thinking, Axa. Settling on the coast tile 3E of Tenochtitlan is a bad idea.
AXA: Oh, you know, I mean, good decision sire.
MONTEZUMA: It’s obvious to me that 4E is the better spot.
POPOL: Oh, terrific idea. Let’s build a raft city, guys! Why didn’t I think of that?
MONTEZUMA: I know that as well. It’s because of your inferior intellect. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Montezuma exits)

POPOL: Right, I’m settling it 3E, 2S.
AXA: That’s more like it.

 

[Pacifist46]

1240BC​

Iron Working reveals – no iron
MONTEZUMA: No iron nearby? Bloody HELL! This absolutely sucks!
YUCA: Our jaguars need no iron.
MONTEZUMA: Oh – oh yeah, Oh YEAH! Jaguar rush America then.
POPOL: Are you sure . . . no, actually I’m keeping quiet.

 

[Pacifist46]

900BC​

The jaguars are spammed
MONTEZUMA: Right, we now have 8 Jags. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
YUCA: Yuca says, attack America now.

(Popol enters)

POPOL: Roosevelt only has two cities, Washington and New York.
MONTEZUMA: Baaah! Puny mortal doesn’t stand a chance.
AXA: Erm, yay, let’s go.

 

[Pacifist46]

775BC​

A declaration of war
ROOSEVELT: You called, uh, Mr Monnazuma sir?
MONTEZUMA: A-yeees, yes I did. I’m declaring war, stick that in your pipe and smoke it, cos we’re gonna smoke you!
ROOSEVELT: You bastard! Haven’t you got anything better to do?
MONTEZUMA: Hmm . . . I’ll check my calendar, but I can’t think of anything at the moment.
ROOSEVELT: Oh, ok in that case it’s war, I guess! Just one thing; do not misunderestimate the American Empire. Under any pomp or circumstance.
MONTEZUMA: Misunder . . . what? What are you on about? Just bugger off, I have better things to do than stand here talking to you.
ROOSEVELT: You’re contradictin’ yourself now. See ya’in hell!
(Roosevelt exits)
MONTEZUMA: What a fooooooool! Update me on techs, someone.
POPOL: Since Iron Working, we went on to Priesthood for cheap temples, then Writing. And we’re currently going for Mathematics.
MONTEZUMA: I knew it! This always happens when I leave you in charge, Axa!
AXA: Well, I thought it was about time the Empire got some proper ruling, so . . .
MONTEZUMA: So you want me back? Good. Admitting weakness is the first step to recovery.
AXA: What’s your weakness then, sire?
MONTEZUMA: Don’t be stuuuuuuuupid, Axa. I’m invincible! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

750BC​

The troops approach the American cities
YUCA: Reports say Roosevelt no archers, sire.
MONTEZUMA: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Yuca, that’s the first joke you’ve ever made!
YUCA: Yuca not joke.
MONTEZUMA: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
YUCA: Seriously. Roosevelt no archers, just warriors.
MONTEZUMA: Bugger me, you are being serious. This is going to be sooooooo easy!

 

[Pacifist46]

725BC​

Washington falls
YUCA: We capture Washington, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Good work, Yux.
POPOL: This is actually a great way of expanding.
MONTEZUMA: Uh, yeah Popol, I did plan this.
AXA: Hard to believe, I know.

 

[Pacifist46]

700BC​

America is wiped out
YUCA: New York now Aztec city, sire.
AXA: And the priests sacrificed Roosevelt to the gods.
MONTEZUMA: He didn’t deserve such an honourable death, but I’ll let you off, seeing as I’m delirious with joy. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
AXA: You’re delirious? I didn’t notice.
MONTEZUMA: Sarcasm will get you nowhere, Axa.
AXA: I wasn’t being sarcastic.
MONTEZUMA: WHY YOU LITTLE . . .
POPOL: OK, OK, I think we’ll end it here for now.
To be continued . . .

 

[Nerowannabe]

Cool good work.