[C3C] Celts - Emperor - Random Tech

we wave Bon Voyage to Exploration Adviser, onboard the Pirate Cum Galley (named in honor of @tjs282).
Not sure what I did to deserve that accolade, but... Thanks... I guess...?
 
310 BC
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The road from Ratae Coritanorum (which means Rat Cafeteria in Celtic) to the ford at the Chicken Pig river has been completed. Workers building a road to Mommy Book Pig notice Spanish troops by the border, but they seem to be merely guarding their own laborers on a sugar plantation.

290 BC
Buy a worker from the Vikings for 94 gold and 2 GPT. Assign him to marsh reclamation duty.
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270 BC

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General: Sire, our war preparations are complete, and we now only await the arrival of the troops to the marshalling zone.

Me: Are you certain? We have ten catapults?

General: Eleven!

Me: Excellent. And ten companies of Gallic Swordsmen?

General: Yes. Well, two are technically Gallic Horsemen, your majesty.

250 BC

Smoke Jaguar: Give me 22 gold or I might declare war on you.

Me: I'm giving you like 15 gold a turn already.

Smoke Jaguar: I want more.

Me: You realize that if you declare war on us, you'll forfeit more than 200 gold that I'd otherwise have to repay you to keep my reputation?

Smoke Jaguar: I do not care.

Me: And you realize that the last time you did this, you embarassed yourself by sending one lousy stone age warrior thousands of miles across the map, only to have to pay us reparations, and then march him back home?

Smoke Jaguar: Give me 22 gold.

Me: No.

Foreign Advisor: The Mayans have declared war on us!!!

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230 BC

Smoke Jaguar: That fool Brennus has made a critical miscalculation...

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Smoke Jaguar: ... I never marched that warrior home!

210 BC

The entire continent holds its breath as the Mayan warrior trundles across the border to shake down the inhabitants of Mommy Book Pig.
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Unbeknownst to the weary wanderer, I've been mustering the largest standing army in the world, only a Gallic sprint down the road.

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The result?

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Zoomed in:

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GGGGoooooolden AGE!

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210 BC

Me: Should we consider postponing the Spanish invasion until we're sure we can defend against the Mayan incursion?

My generals look around nervously until they realize I'm just kidding, and we all have a good laugh at the hapless Smoke Jaguar's expense.

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Me: No, no it's a serious matter. In four hundred years, your descendants will need to remember to post sentries at the border.

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Hilarity ensues.

Me: Thank you, thank you, I write all my own jests.

Everyone is in good humor now that our troops have proved themselves, even against such lowly opposition. It looks like this will be a Golden Age of Kingly Comedy judging by the reception my jokes are getting, but there's grave diplomatic matters to attend to.

I contact Queen Isabella and discover her wearing new luxurious and frighteningly modern garments.
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This is an alarming development, as Spanish Pikesmen or worse, Pikeswomen, would be a terrible sight to suddenly behold:

A Spanish Woman Holding a Pike


"You have my attention, Brennus. I am listening," Isabella says Politely.

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I take one last longing look at her lovely visage, before sheepishly mumbling, "That's it, prepare for war."

My Military Advisor tugs at my cloak.

"Let us destroy them, sir!"
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"You're right!" I resolve, but I incur Isabella's wrath nevertheless, even though I adamantly refuse to call her or her people "scum".

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7000 Gallic Swordmen, 2000 Horsemen, and 2000 Archers ford the Chicken Pig River and lay siege to the almost-city of Valencia.

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The Great Library will be built in four turns.

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190 BC

Isabella is furious at my somewhat ham-handed attempt to resolve the border dispute she didn't know existed.

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She orders Valencia to hold out to the last, and many lightly-trained Spaniards are pressed into service as Spearmen...
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... or Spearwomen.
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Makeshift catapults harass our troops, though the bombardment has no noticeable effect.
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At nightfall our own siege engines begin pounding the city incessantly - and much more effectively - wounding every defender.
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At daybreak, my troops begin their assault. Two companies of Gallic Swordsmen must withdraw from combat, but we suffer no losses. Eventually the main gate is battered down, and my men surge into the city.
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My Gallic Swordsmen hunt down and massacre the weary Spanish spearmen in the city streets.
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Valencia and its wheat mines are ours!
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In a display of mercy, I refuse to let my soldiers raze the city. Instead I issue a well-meaning edict that all Spanish citizens are to be retrained as Tax Collectors...
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... or Scientists, though some still choose to resist my benevolent rule:
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(Meta-note: Admittedly playing with cultural conversions off makes the game easier, so I adhere to the following three constraints:
  1. All captured cities (I plan to capture most) will be starved down until they have only one remaining foreign citizen.
  2. Captured cities must be garrisoned until the resistance ends
  3. If there's not imminent combat requiring Barracks or Walls to be rushed, then the first city improvement will be a Temple
These rules have served me well when conversions are on, such as COTM games, so I usually don't have many flips anyhow. Just don't like how standing your troops next to the city after one turn is a better strategic move than keeping them inside, and don't get me started on the magical appearance of defenders. Oh, I'm sorry, your opponents had too many cathedrals, so your army disappeared /rant)
 
170 BC

Upon the approach of the Mayan extortionists, the Spanish sugar miners hastily finished their work and retreated.
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After our Gallic Swordsmen slew him, they could march no further, but discovered they were in sight of a new Spanish city, Zaragoza.
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After war was declared, a gaggle of Spanish Warriors goggled at their mighty but stranded foes, hooting and gibbering in gleeful anticipation of taking their chances at a unit worth 4 times as many shields as them.
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However, a thousand Celtic Spearmen and a thousand Horsemen rushed to protect their comrades, and the Warriors slunk behind the safety of the city walls. But they would not be safe for long. Celtic workers joined the troops, constructing a roadway that would allow us to attack their city. Pamplona was to be my next target, but in order to bring my siege engines to bear, a mountain pass would need to be constructed beside Valencia. This engineering feat would be a lengthy process, so while my troops healed, our catapults were dragged northwards, including the two we had captured from the Spanish.

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160 BC
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Smoke Jaguar: The aggression of the Celts must not go unpunished!

Advisor: ... but Grand Puma, we declared war on them.

Smoke Jaguar: Silence! We need to bring in an ally to backstab Brennus in his soft underbelly.

Advisor: Either the Scandinavians or the Chinese could be brought in to open a second front that could prove quite troublesome.

Smoke Jaguar: NO! I want an ally that's even further away than us. A backwards people, with a fool for a leader...
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150 BC
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5000 Celtic troops arrive at Zaragoza.
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They find the town is defended by novice spearmen...
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...and spearwomen.
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A company of eager, bloodthirsty Gallic Swordsmen attacks but are forced to retreat. I order the rest of the troops to besiege the city and wait for artillery support to arrive.
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140 BC

We complete the Great Library, and alchemists, prophets, dignitaries, and scientists from every known nation are invited to the grand opening.
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As King, I make a brief speech
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"We Celts are well known as a peace-loving, Agricultural, Religious people..."

There's a brief pause as I wait for a man having a coughing fit to be taken outside and given a glass of water i.e. flogged by my goons.

"...however, our latest breakthrough is Scientific. No more will there be disputes between nations about, for example, whether Spanish Feudalism is better or worse than Chinese Feudalism. Henceforth, whenever two nations discover a new Technology, the information will be stored here in Entremont, where our scholars can copy, ahem, compare and analyze it, for the benefit of all!"

Afterwards, there's a reception for the scholars, which is a bit awkward for some, as we're at war with three of the five other countries we've met.

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To flex on Smoke Jaguar, I make his witch doctors sit by themselves in the basement and pretend it's an oversight
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The Japanese, however, seem unaware of the hostilities and are mostly interested in the free food.
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Of our friendly neighbors, some conduct themselves admirably in the Library...
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... while others do not...
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... although these are quickly reprimanded by Library staff.
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130 BC

My troops are in position outside Zaragosa:

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1,000 Archers
120 Catapults
8,000 Gallic Swordsmen
3,000 Horsemen
1,000 Spearmen

(Edit/meta: From now on, a unit will be x1000, at least until tanks, and arty will be x10. Armies will be 10,000 and after the Pentagon, 15,000. I did like the idea another player had that a wounded unit loses a percentage of its men, so we'll do that too)

Afraid that we will discover Feudalism at any minute, I frantically set to work constructing and upgrading Gallic Swordsmen, although we are already paying almost 50 GPT (edit: I said 80, but that was actually the number of units) in military support costs.

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120 BC

We learn Currency.

"Ka-ching!" I exclaim, after I get done chewing out the Science Advisor for calling me Lord and not King, and claiming that the "Prophets" had anything to do with it.

My men give me puzzled looks.

"It's a triumphant, onomatopoeic rendition of the sound a cash register makes when ringing up a sale," I explain.

They marvel at my erudition. I've been spending a lot of time at The Great Library, though partly because it's a classier place to entertain women than my cave.

Their confusion about "Ka-ching" is understandable, as prior to coins being discovered, all Celtic transactions were made with lumps of gold which make more of a "Ker-thud" sound when tossed onto a shop counter, sacks of raw horse meat ("Ker-plop"), or Silk, which doesn't really make any noise at all besides a slight rustling.

"You'll understand when we build Marketplaces - which we won't be doing any time soon, since we have only one Luxury and one city."


A weary band of Scandanavian Settlers descend the Viking mountains north of Mommy Book Pig to find 2000 Gallic Swordsmen and 1000 Celtic Spearmen blocking their way.
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Settler: Wha-what are you doing here?

Celtic Commander: I just felt like having my men stand at double arm interval in the desert.

Settler: Can you move?

Commander: No, but you can try to move us. I give my word we won't kill you - just cut you in two and send your top half to clear marshes and the bottom half to road the Spanish mountains.

Settler (glancing at his feeble escort of Spearmen): Erm, that's all right.

Commander: This desert wouldn't be a good place to settle. For you, anyway, since you're not Agricultural. Why don't you go back the way you came and plunk down that heavy pack somewhere in those mountains. Oh wait, you can't... hahaha.



On our southern border, we've filled the land up to the Chinese mountains. Spanish settlers build the town of Jane, misspelling its name in their foolish haste.

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110 BC

The Battle of Zaragosa is a brief, brutal, and one-sided affair. Our catapults "Ka-ching," "Ker-thud," and "Ker-plop" the defenders to death's door. Our troops are unanimously victorious against 2,000 Spearmen and 1,000 Archers. I judge the final defenders, the cowardly sugar mine garrison of Warriors unworthy of Gallic steel, and send in unruly Horsemen to take the city.

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The inhabitants are set to work at a pyramid scheme of Tax Collecting from one another with the bottom of the pyramid starving each turn.
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Additionally, the sugar miners are enslaved, and escorted back under guard to Valencia where they will be set to work constructing a pass for our catapults to attack Pamplona.
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The Chinese are willing to ally with us for Currency and the Vikings for Silk, but instead I sell the Silk to Ragnar for 10 gold, 10 GPT, and pictures of Scandinavian women wearing our fabrics.

Isabella is suddenly willing to speak to me again, but won't teach me Feudalism.

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It's fine, we'll learn it from the Library, and she doesn't have any Iron. She doesn't have any gold either, and the only city she's willing to give up is Jane... which actually I kind of want. But not as bad as I want Pamplona, so the war will continue. I'll teach her to jut into our lands by jutting into her... 5,000 Archers, Spearmen, and Warriors that are menacing Valencia!
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I like that you know Jaén. I should edit that if I haven't done that already, thank you!
 
100 BC

Always pleased to see Scandinavian citizens made Happy from Celtic Silks!
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90 BC

Leave five thousand troops in Zaragoza with orders to repress the populace while they convalesce.
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The rest head back to Valencia with 3000 slave workers in tow.

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The garrison there ignores the pitiful excuse of a Spanish army lurking in the mountains. They're too cowardly to attack the city, and as their countrymen were an idle lot, there's no improvements for them to pillage.
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In contrast to Isabella's ragtag marauders, in the south, I establish an Alpine Interdiction Team. Consisting of vagrants from Lindum, wayward youths from Buttsville, and troglodytes displaced by the marsh clearings near Nemausus, these brave Warriors are instructed to taunt incoming Spaniards and Mayans, and bully Chinese settlers. I promise that any unit with the Gall to survive an attack and become veterans will have their upgrades and training paid for from the Royal Treasury. Seems like just a few turns ago that we had eight companies of Gallic Swordsmen on the payroll; I'm a bit surprised to find we now have 26!!

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Don't want to get my hopes up, but one of our Galleys has sighted the safe coastal waters of the other continent and a tantalizing muddy blue border!

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Busy with the Golden Age, and my wars, I realize I haven't looked in a mirror in forty years or so, but I like what I see!
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More importantly, I like that spike (or more accurately, bump) in our Power graph. Still in last place scorewise, but only one point behind Japan!

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80 BC

Science Advisor comes into my cave in the middle of the night to inform me we've learned The Republic. I tell him to get lost, but tbh I couldn't sleep anyway because I was too worried about our galley.

70 BC

The crew reaches land and discovers the Hittites!
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The inhabitants of Karhuyuk are quite welcoming, and inform us that the name of their town means "Spitting Noisily" in Hittish.
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I have my Foreign Advisor bring his magical scrying device and contact their leader, Mursilis.
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They lack Literature and Republic, but only have 7 gold.
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I take an immediate liking to the chap, but he becomes Annoyed with me after I make one too many 3-man Chariot jokes.
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His attitude improves to Cautious after I spend money on an embassy, and manage to keep my mouth shut about his pathetic, buildingless, jungle capital, whose name means "Sneezing Noisily". In fact, all their towns seem to be named after bodily functions.
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Back home, on the Valencian front, the number of Spanish soldiers reaches 11 thousand, then falls to 10 thousand after some spearmen make the mistake of coming down from the mountains. The rest of them apparently decide to head for Zaragoza. Unlike our military, which is competently managed - some would say micromanaged - Isabella seems to exert lax discipline on her commanders, and it shows by the way they mill about aimlessly, each seeking the softest target and consequent individual glory in the hopes of winning her favor.

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Three thousand Mayans also make an appearance in a somewhat timely (for them) fashion, possibly because Isabella let them walk on her roads.
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In retaliation, I punish the Valencians by making them construct Walls around their ruined city instead of building the Temple to me that I'd promised them.
 
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50 BC
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Our sailors reluctantly say goodbye to Karhuyuk and hello to Karatepe.
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We are allowed 40 units but we have 90, costing me 50 GPT a turn (I erred in a previous post, but edited): 2 Settlers, 23 Workers, 13 Warriors, 3 Archers, 8 Spearmen, 3 Horsemen, 10 Catapults, 1 Galley, and 27 Gallic Swordsmen. We are average to the Mayans and strong to the Spanish.
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We kill another 3000 Spanish and 1000 Mayan troops with no losses outside Zaragoza and Valencia. Below are some photos from the war zone:

My troops arrayed for battle:
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Wounded Mayan Warriors surrendering:
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Fallen Spanish soldiers:
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Vanquished Mayan Warriors:
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30 BC

Suspicious of the failure of Captain Barfind's previous eight voyages, I had all alcohol removed from the galley before it set out. Further, should he make landfall, I expressly instructed him to stay out of bars while onshore, lest he cause a diplomatic incident. However, he ignored my orders - although he claims the establishment he visited in the Hittite resort town of Karpepe was "technically not a bar"...
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While he did cause a "diplomatic incident" it was a fortunate one - as he ran into none other than Gilgamesh.

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While being discovered by the self-styled "Grand Admiral" Barfind in such tawdry circumstances was no doubt unpleasant for the Sumerian king, nevertheless he is Polite with me, perhaps out of embarassment.
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Me: I would suggest learning Currency. Those Hittite girls probably wouldn't have gotten upset if you'd been throwing paper money at them.



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Meanwhile, outside Valencia, 3,000 workers begin construction of a mountain pass, with 5,000 more to arrive next turn. North, by Zaragosa, deserting Spanish spearmen attempt to sell my swordsmen their catapults. My men dutifully report this up the chain of command, but I nobly refuse the offer and order the treacherous Spaniards slain for Isabella's sake.
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We will still take the catapults though.
 
10 BC

The first mate of the "Barfinder IX", while studying maps made from previous voyages, notices a blue border to the north of their current location.
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"I can't tell whether it's the Sumerians or the Hittites, but maybe we should head south instead, since we're supposed to meet new countries," he reported.

"And waste three turns backtracking? Nonsense! We'll just sail around the top of the continent and go back down the other side," replied the Grand Admiral, who secretly had a motive to prolong the journey through Sumerian waters.
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Two of them, in fact.
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In Valencia, the remaining citizens are outnumbered by the thousands of troops garrisoned there, and begin construction of a Barracks to better house them. The catapult sale turned out to be a ruse, and in the ensuing ambush, a company of Gallic swordsmen took heavy casualties but was able to retreat to the hills.
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The Spanish nobles behind the plot seethe at this near miss and bemoan their failure to wipe out even a single Celtic unit over the course of the now 200 year-old conflict.
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4000 Celtic laborers and 5000 Spanish slaves begin construction of a road through the mountains.

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They are protected by 2,000 Spearmen and 3,000 Gallic Swordsmen, although hopefully these guards will also motivate the notoriously indolent Spaniards.
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While the Celtic navy is busy gloriously discovering new continents, a Viking vessel enroaches on the fishing grounds offshore of Verugeranium. I watch it closely but allow Ragnar to trespass unchallenged. Perhaps he has his eye on our nearby source of Horse?
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10 AD

The Greatest of All Great Wonders occurs near a city controlled by the Romans, but unfortunately, neither the Romans nor the Wonder exist in this world, so it will continue to be a godless hellscape ruled by tyrants and madmen.
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We do, however, adjust our calendars accordingly.
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Sumerian settlers dash along the coastline, rushing to establish trading posts and other establishments to separate my sailors from their paychecks.
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The Mayans are finally able to muster units other than Warriors to the Valencian battlefield. Smoke Jaguar offers peace and 40 gold. Wait, no, he wants 40 gold. I make some undiplomatic and anatomically improbable remarks about what he should do with a Javelin.
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On the mountains south of Lindum, our Alpine Interdiction Team braves an assault by Spanish archers, running the Celtic combat record to 17-0. True to my word, I order the unit back to the nearest Barracks town for a well-deserved upgrade, and christen them the Alpine Survival Specialists - Elite Squad, and wait to see if anyone appreciates my juvenile sense of humor.
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Hittite Harlot: So where are you from?

Gilgamesh: Ur
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HH: Don't be shy, honey, I won't tell anyone!

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20 AD

The ingenuity of Celtic engineers is unsurpassed, but hampered by a mostly Spanish workforce that seems to labor at half speed, the construction of the mountain pass has taken fifty years to complete.
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30 AD


A company of Japanese spearman accompanied by catapults are sighted on the hills north of Mommy Book Pig. However, rather than attack, they beg for food. I contact Torugama to complain and discover that he has no stomach for warfare: he pays me his entire treasury of 20 gold in exchange for peace - and oddly, a large chocolate cake, which I later learn he plans to wear as a hat.



The Spanish populace is largely unaffected by the war. Two hundred years have passed since its beginning and the fall of Valencia, while Zaragoza was taken over a century ago.

To every Spanish citizen still living, these cities, whose names were rallying cries for their forefathers, have always been Celtic, the bloody battles and the atrocities allegedly committed wherewithin now nothing more than historical footnotes.

"Technically, we're still at war with the Celts, since we never signed an official peace treaty," pedantic Spanish school children and trivia buffs will point out to much eye rolling.
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Hostilities continue, but in Celtic territory or on neutral ground, so are largely overlooked. The fighting is now conducted in large part by Mayan mercenaries and adventurous second sons of Spanish noblemen, who see the conflict as a useful outlet for avoiding succession disputes.
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A Spanish history professor theorizes that the mountains are the natural boundary between our two nations, and that Celtic assaults on the Spanish settlements on "my" side, those which I crudely referred to as "jutting," were merely a response to Isabella's "imperial overreach". He is seen as an "appeaser", and removed from his university position, but his ideas take hold among liberal elements.
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The Queen's more tactically-grounded military advisors state that, whatever my declared or actual intentions, it's simply impossible for my Catapults to cross the mountain range, and the menfolk of Pamplona take hold of this idea and reassure their wives that they've nothing to fear.
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Early war propaganda depicting me as a murderous, cave-dwelling troll and my men as barbarous brutes is now seen as quaint and vaguely offensive.
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My name devolves into a bogey to scare Spanish children: "Eat your vegetables or Brennus will turn you into a tax collector!" "Go to bed before the Celts get you!"
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And then suddenly, on March 8, 31 AD, the floodgates open. Bagpipes blaring, black shamrock banners flapping in the wind, a mighty Celtic host, their fearsome siege engines in tow, crosses the Spanish mountains and pours onto the Pamplonan grasslands, massacring the surprised Mayan Javelin Throwers before them.
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50 AD

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Found the city of Courvoisier, nestled in the Scandinavian mountains. (Edited previous post: the Japaneses were a spearman and a catapult and rather than attack them on the hills, I just took their money, and sent them home). No Spaniards in sight besides two archers lurking on a mountain by Iron, so this frees up a number of Gallic Swordsmen to Participate on Pamplona.

Rather than rush Pamplona, since we're in neutral territory, my army advances methodically. We, bring the workers along, bombard the Mayan pesters, the Gallics kill them and rush back to safety, and then the workers construct roads to let the trailing catapults and Gallic reinforcements catch up.
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This butchery and the Japanese betrayal are the last straws, and The Mayan Council of Elders, tiring of President Jaguar's ill-conceived war, clamor for peace. I demand all of their gold, and am shocked to discover they will throw in Tulum, one of their first-ring cities! Upon closer inspection, I discover why. Oh my.
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I summon one of my commanders to my tent (Yes, I went along on this campaign, any excuse to get out of that cave) and appoint him governor of the city.

Ronan: Thank you, sire, I'm honored!

Me: I heard of your comments in the mess tent advocating a Republic. Now you'll be able to live in one, or, at any rate surrounded on all sides by one.

Ronan: It seems rather close to Chichen Itza.

Me: Think of it as an intelligence-gathering opportunity. I'm sure Smoke Jaguar will honor his 20 turn commitment to peace, and if not, the surrounding mountains will keep you safe.

Ronan: Will I be accompanied by any troops?

Me: I'm afraid I only have 38,000 Gallic Swordsmen, so I can't spare any. I suggest training some of the local inhabitants to serve as your garrison. Don't overlook the women, as they've a reputation for, uh, hardiness.
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