Status Report: 1000 A.D.
Germans: 24 cities, 24 gold pieces, 2 settlers, researching Invention
Foreign Advisor: Our Power is Supreme and our Reputation is Spotless; Good Relations with the Babylonians and the Americans; at War with the English and the Spanish; Cease Fire with the Romans
Rome: 6 Cities, 440 Gold, Researching Pottery; at War with England
Babylon: 8 Cities, 292 Gold, Researching Medicine; no contact w/ others
Spain: 6 Cities, 746 Gold, Researching Map Making; no contact w/ others
U.S.: 7 Cities, 180 Gold, Researching Philosophy; no contact w/ others
English: 8 Cities, 547 Gold, Researching Invention; at War with Rome
Indian: 9 Cities, 665 Gold, Researching Literacy; no contact w/ others
The Reign of Frederick Braubarossa
1000 apb.Frederick Braubarossa awoke one morning to find himself Consul of the German Republic. After his morning swim in a giant vat of Lienenkugel Red -- from whence his nickname -- he summons his advisors, who report:
Military Advisor: Build City Walls!
Science Advisor: We're #1
Trade Advisor: Build Market Places
Foreign Advisor: We're doing remarkable well in foreign affairs
Attitude Advisor: No complaints
Frederick, annoyed with the outrageous comments of his military advisor, has him drowned in barrel of overwarm Pinkus Pils. "We can always defend our cities with pyramids of beer kegs." More annoying is the state of the treasury: 24 pieces of gold! "No wonder the Chug-Meister's liver finally exploded. He was probably skimming the treasury for beer money!"
He replaces his Military Advisor with the renowned crusader Hermann von Soussa, Grand Master of the Knights of the Brewery of St. Pauli Girl of the Teutons of Jesusalem (the Teutonic Knights for short -- but also known as the Crusaders of St. Pauli Girl). Together, Frederick and Hermann sit down over a keg of Kloster Schwarz-Bier and begin to develop a strategy. They conclude that defeating the Romans remain our top priority, a regular "Drunk nach Nordwesten." We shall build up Cumae as a strategic base from which to launch an invasion that will result in the Fall of Rome. We shall let the Romans complete Magellen's Expedition; then we shall take it from them and build a mighty fleet with which to invade the pesky English. While it seems unlikely that this will happen in his reign, Frederick decides that this invasion must be called "Operation SeeLowenbrau."
But how are to build these mighty forces so that we may hold many victory feasts where we can drink ourselves senseless? Our lands are woefully underdeveloped, our economy a shambles. We need money. We need roads and harbors to boost our trade. We need irrigation so that we may grow more wheat and hops to feed our people and make more beer! We need settlers working those fields to make us strong, strong, strong! Well then, let's let the English research Invention; then we can take it from them and build Leonardo's Workshop in Munchen. And meanwhile, we can make lot's of money if we reset our income tax rate to 60% -- say 60 gold pieces per turn.
Frederick receives an emissary from Americans, demanding that we give them Philosophy. "They seem like to like us, so let us amuse them," Frederick replies. "Summon the court jester and we shall teach these backwards Americans what we Germans think of Philosophy!" And so jester sang to the American emissary:
Immanual Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was an itinerant begger
who could drink you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who just as shloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach you
about the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was pleasantly pissed.
John Stuart Mill of his own free will
on half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato, they say, could stick it away:
half a crate whiskey every day.
Aristitle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed.
A little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.
So impressed are the Americans by this casual display of mental prowess of the Germans that they agree to a permanent alliance. Frederick hopes that many Americans will come to Germany every year to celebrate Oktoberfest; he also hopes that the Americans will decide to not act like the barbarous Englishman and attack the noble Germans, but will instead explore westwards and discover that the Babylonians are not nice people. "We can only hope." Having establish these relations and sealing it with a drunken binge with the American emissary, Frederick decides to divert the Dortmund Drunk-Delivery and its settler to Driemond where the citizens are complaining of a inability to grow hops to make their beer.
Barbarossa, annoyed by the presence of Roman catapults and horseman at the gates of Cumae, sends an emisarry to the Imperator Caeser of the Romans, hoping he might convince the Romans to withdraw their forces. The imperious Caeser demands that we give them Pottery. "What do you want Pottery for? To make more of those silly Amphorae with which you store wine? The answer is No! No! No! You should be drinking beer!" This tirade results in the Romans declaring war on the noble Germans. A German drunklomat slips out Cumae and contacts potential allies in Antium; regretably, they inform us that they will incite a revolt against the local Roman governor for 1260 gold. The Romans promptly attack Cumae, where the local Phalanx defeats them. Hermann von Soussa arrives at Cumae to organize the defenses.
Another drunklomat stumbles upon a minor tribe and extorts 50 pieces of much needed gold out of them in exchange for a case of Bitburger Pils.
1010 apb.A contingent of English archers appear in the hills at Hartmann -- exceedingly strange. Are they drunk and wandering aimlessly about? Or have the English established a foothold in our noble land?
At Cumae, the Phalanx garrison manages to survive an attack by Roman catapults -- but just barely! Back in Berlin, Frederick reads the report of the battle and says: "We should get us some of those catapults. Then we can bombard our enemies with empty beer kegs filled wort." Fortunately, Frederick's fiscal reform allows the rush building of city walls.
In accordance to wishes of the previous Consul Kev the Chug-Meister, the city of Marienburg is founded to the east of the curiously named city of Turin. The Teutonic Knights establish their headquarters there and dream of the days in which they might launch an Eastward crusade against the infidel Indians, a sort of "Drunk nach Osten." They also contemplate changing the name of Turin to Teutenbrauereiburg.
An English emissary is received at the court of Frederick, demanding 100 in gold. Frederick has him buried alive; seven years later, the plants that grow from his grave are culled, brewed, and appropriately called John Barleycorn Ale.
The Foreign Minister reports that the Babylonians, having discovered Medicine, have undertaken a great project in the city of Ur: Shakespeare's Theatre.
A Caravan from Stuttgart, and purportedly carrying Wine, arrives at New York, yielding 110 in gold. The Americans are at first surprised that the caravan is not Wine but rather Furstenberg Pilsener; fortunately, they find the bear has quite a full body, a sustained lasting bead, and a nicely hoppy taste to its dry finish. They are pleased are begin placing annual orders for this fine beer from the Stuttgart region.
1020 apb.The Phalanx garrison of Hartmann successfully defeat attacking English archers; but the English catapults land in force at Hannover, further proof that the English deserve to be put to the sword.
Meanwhile, Roman Chariot and Horsemen are defeated at Cumae when the Phalanx garrison empty vats of boiling wort on the attackers from the newly constructed city walls. But the losses are heavy; at least a two year's supply of beer are lost in the defense of the city. Von Soussa decides that a more active defense is needed at Cumae.
Barbarian Narcs land in force at Leipzig -- a dangerously underdefended city! The residents of Leipzig riot, and Frederick decides that they need more beer. "At least this way, even if they slain in battle, they will be adequately libated."
1030 apb.Warriors at Hannover successfully attack and defeat English catapult at Hannover. Elephants at Cumae trample a Roman diplomat to death outside Cumae; apparently the stench of Roman wine caused the Elephants to stampede out of control. Narc Legions destroy the feeble Warrior garrison at Leipzig and capture that city.
1040-1060 apb.The Crusaders of St. Pauli Girl, led by the redoubtable Hermann von Soussa, sally out of Cumae to defeat advancing Roman Chariots. The Berlin Beer-o-Rama sinks English Trireme north of Hannover; the English city of Newcastle is discovered between Hannover and Salzburg. German drunklomat armed with Frederick's private reserve of Berliner Kindle Weisse incite a revolt at Leipzig. While Leipzig is liberated from the Narcs, the beer, valued at 130 in gold, is a terrible loss to the King.
1070 apb.Salzburg builds Michaelangelo's Chapel. Frederick invites a number of Trappist Monks from Brabant to construct a brewery inside the Chapel, and they begin brewing loverly little beer called Schaapskooi. Visiting the Chapel, Frederick drinks a toast to his predecessor for making possible this Wonder of the World. He also takes exception with the artist over one of his paintings; noting that the panel entitled "The Drunkenness of Noah" is inappropriate, he takes his mace and does some redecorating. Having finally seen the light, Germans everywhere hold a yearlong beerfest. Thus fortified, Germans begin working harder than ever, and for the first time in ages, the German peoples attain full employment in productive tasks.
In another sortie from Cumae, von Soussa's Crusaders of St. Pauli Girl destroy advancing Roman Catapults. Narcs land at Heidelburg, again weakly defended!
1080 apb.Perhaps as a consequence of the year-long beerfest, it is reported that the population of the German civilization has reached 3,000,000. Narcs destroy Phalanx garrison at Heidelburg.
1090 apb.In another sortie from Cumae, von Soussa's Crusaders of St. Pauli Girl destroy Roman Chariots. Narcs destroy remaining Warrior garrison at Heidelburg.
1100 apb.In another sortie from Cumae, von Soussa's Crusaders of St. Pauli Girl destroy Roman Archers. German Legion from Leipzig arrives at Heidelburg just in time to destroy remaining Narc Legion poised to take that city. English Chariots land at Hannover, destroying the Warrior garrison there. Narcs land in force near New Amsterdam. An exasperated Frederick screams, "What the hell do these guys want? Prohibition???"
1110 apb.German drunklomat bribes English Chariot, who thereupon rush to the defense of Hannover and destroy invading Chariots; another English invasion turned back. Narc Legion destroys Pikemen garrison of New Amsterdam.
1120 apb.Crusaders rushed from Pompeii reach New Amsterdam to destroy Narc Legion poised to take that city; meanwhile, Crusaders from Brandenburg defeat another Narc Legion advancing on that city. The double defeat of the Narcs leads to widespread keggers throughout the Republic.
1130 apb.The Berlin Beer-o-Rama sinks another English Trireme north of Hannover. Until these English quit drinking tea and start drinking beer, they will never learn that sailors will only fight well we beer and grog are available.
1140 apb.Rome completes Magellan's Expedition. In another sortie from Cumae, von Soussa's Crusaders of St. Pauli Girl destroy another advancing Roman Catapult; regretably, in this attack, von Soussa is slain in combat.
1150 apb.Taking a cue from his predecessor, Frederick celebrates the 150th year his reign with a bash; consequently, nothing of interest was accomplished. Regretably, at the end of this year, Frederick drowned during his morning swim; the giant vat was subsequently closed, refermented, and specially preserved. The resulting Braubarossa Kulminator Dopplebock is very heady brew, fit only for the leaders of the German nation. For this reason it is said that Braubarossa is the immortal leader of the German people.
[This message has been edited by Andu Indorin (edited May 10, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by Andu Indorin (edited May 10, 2001).]
