Classics from The Onion

[pboily]

North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles

BISMARCK, ND-The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles.

"Satellite photos confirm that the North Dakotans have been quietly harboring an extensive nuclear-weapons program," said Blix, presenting his findings in a speech to the U.N. Security Council. "Alarmingly, this barely developed hinterland possesses the world's most technologically advanced weapons of mass destruction, capable of reaching targets all over the world."

After initially offering no comment on the report, North Dakota officials admitted to having a stockpile of 1,710 warheads at two military sites and confirmed that the state has been home to an active nuclear-weapons-development program for decades.

Blix called the revelation a "terrifying prospect for the world at large."

Within hours of the announcement, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged North Dakota to abandon its program.

"This is clearly an excessive number of weapons for a place like North Dakota to possess," Annan said. "In this post-Cold War environment, we should be moving away from nuclear proliferation among developing states."

European leaders also spoke out in opposition to North Dakota's weapons program.

"North Dakota, still in its cultural infancy, cannot be trusted to responsibly handle weapons of mass destruction," French President Jacques Chirac said. "We are talking about a place that doesn't even have a Thai restaurant or movie theater that shows foreign films, but still they have the resources to build thousands of warheads. Do not believe their claims of being 'The Peace Garden State.'"

According to Chirac, North Dakota's development of nuclear arms "represents a grave threat to peaceful states the world over, none more so than its longtime neighbor and rival across the 45th Parallel, South Dakota."

"The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly, hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit."

After a joint meeting of the French and German cabinets, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said the two nations "agree that this situation must be rectified" and implored North Dakota to cease its uranium-enrichment program immediately.

"We have opened the door to talks," Schroeder said. "But, unfortunately, North Dakota seems unwilling to engage with the world community at this time."

According to Blix, North Dakota is home to 500 Minuteman III ICBMs and 50 Peacekeeper missiles, giving it one of the heaviest concentrations of the weapons on earth. The biggest discovery made by U.N. inspectors, Blix said, was a missile field at Minot Air Force Base, where they found an "almost unbelievable" stockpile of warheads.

The rogue state was also found to possess enormous stockpiles of fissile material.

"North Dakota could have as much as 75 metric tons of weapons-grade uranium and 8 metric tons of weapons-grade plutonium," Blix said. "Just 55 pounds of uranium are needed to construct a simple nuclear weapon. Do the math-the prospects are terrifying."

The man at the center of the controversy is North Dakota's leader, Gov. John Hoeven. Having risen to power in 2000 after amassing tremendous wealth in the private sector, Hoeven lives a life of comfort and excess inside the heavily patrolled North Dakota governor's mansion, a lavish dwelling paid for entirely by the state, while many of his people engage in subsistence farming.

Some suspect that Hoeven is using the nuclear program as a bargaining chip to gain badly needed economic benefits for his state. Hardly at the forefront of technology in other aspects, North Dakota has a largely rural population and a child-poverty rate of 14 percent-a fact critics have been quick to point out.

"North Dakotans live a horrible life of isolation and deprivation, struggling to grow crops in a hostile, sub-zero climate while their indifferent government routinely prioritizes bolstering the state's military might," BBC World correspondent Caroline Eagan said. "There are people starving there, and yet high-tech weapons laboratories and military bases abound. It's deplorable."

Added Eagan: "And, no big surprise, the U.S. played a major role in arming this place. I hear most of the missiles are American-made."

Many U.S. citizens have expressed fear, some realizing for the first time that North Dakota has thousands of weapons capable of reaching any major American city within minutes.

"It is absolutely frightening that there are all these weapons of mass destruction practically in my backyard," said Karen Stiles of Moorhead, MN. "Do we really know enough about these people who have their finger on the button that could kill millions?"

Added Stiles: "How did our elected officials let this happen?"

 

[pboily]

Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland in West Bank

 

[pboily]

Vowels to Bosnia

 

[The Person]

Vowels to Bosnia was not from the Onion, but it was the best. Just shows that Clinton was the coolest US president ever.

 

[pboily]

Vowels to Bosnia was not from the Onion, but it was the best. Just shows that Clinton was the coolest US president ever.

Do you mean it didn't appear there first? I have it as vol. 28, issue 16.

 

[pboily]

Death Star to Open Day Care Center

 

[The Person]

Do you mean it didn't appear there first? I have it as vol. 28, issue 16.

Oh. I don't read the Onion so I didn't know. But I'm seriously considering doing it, as they seem to not only cover the Earth, but also galaxies far, far away. Hopefully they're covering what's between as well.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

The vowels one was hilarious

 

[pboily]

I don't read the Onion so I didn't know. But I'm seriously considering doing it, as they seem to not only cover the Earth, but also galaxies far, far away. Hopefully they're covering what's between as well.

Please do. I feel I learn more from it and the Daily Show with John Stewart than from regular news sources.

 

[FriendlyFire]

"My God, I do not think we can last another day,

ROFLMAO

 

[MrRats]

Does anyone even live in North Dakota?

 

[nonconformist]

There was one of their fake past newspapers that they have dated just after the Kennedy assasination, with the headline as something like "CIA, KGB, Mafia, and Teamsters assasinate President"

 

[Serutan]

I really liked the "Congress Passes Americans with No Abilities Act".

 

[FriendlyFire]

I remember when a leading chinese paper pagerised a story from the onion.
And the editor kept defending the story as real. roflmao

 

[The Person]

They should make a story called The Person Stops Spamming.

 

[Quasar1011]

Vowels to Bosnia.

I once recieved a piece of junk mail. They spelled my name with absolutely no vowels. All this time I thought they were stupid; now I find out they think I was Bosnian.

Oops, I spelled received wrong. The spelling rule is: "I before E, except in Budweiser"...

 

[pboily]

I once recieved a piece of junk mail. They spelled my name with absolutely no vowels.

That is absurd, there are clearly one 'u', two 'a' and one '0' in your name.

Qsr111 is Bosnian enough... actually that sounds like a game I used to play.

 

[Own]

There was one making fun of the big deal about Janet Jackson. I need a password to get it, though.

 

[mentat_emre]

This is the greatest.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29976
AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of "skeleton people"—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.

Enlarge ImageArchaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

An archaeologist examines the intact remains of a spooky "skeleton person."

"This is an incredible find," said Dr. Christian Hutchins, Oxford University archaeologist and head of the dig team. "Imagine: At one time, this entire area was filled with spooky, bony, walking skeletons."

"The implications are staggering," Hutchins continued. "We now know that the skeletons we see in horror films and on Halloween are not mere products of the imagination, but actually lived on Earth."

Standing at the excavation site, a 20-by-20-foot square pit along the Nile River, Hutchins noted key elements of the find. "The skeletons lived in this mud-brick structure, which, based on what we know of these people, was probably haunted," he said. "Although we found crude cooking utensils in the area, as well as evidence of crafts like pottery and weaving, we are inclined to believe that the skeletons' chief activity was jumping out at nearby humans and scaring them. And though we know little of their language and means of communication, it is likely that they said 'boogedy-boogedy' a lot."

Approximately 200 yards west of the excavation site, the archaeologists also found evidence of farming.

"What's puzzling about this," Cambridge University archaeologist Sir Ian Edmund-White said, "is that skeletons would not benefit from harvested crops, as any food taken orally would immediately fall through the hole behind the jaw and down through the rib cage, eventually hitting the ground. Our best guess is that they scared away a group of human farmers, then remained behind to haunt the dwelling. Or perhaps they bartered goods in a nearby city to acquire skeleton accessories, such as chains, coffins and tattered, dirty clothing."

Enlarge ImageArchaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People jump

An artist's rendering of what a warrior-skeleton may have looked like.

Continued Edmund-White: "The hole in that theory, however, is that a 1997 excavation of this area which yielded extensive records of local clans and merchants made no mention of even one animated mass of bones coming to town for the purpose of trade. But we are taking great pains to recover as much of the site as possible, while also being extremely careful not to fall victim to some kind of spooky skeleton curse."

As for what led to the extinction of the skeletons, Edmund-White offered a theory.

"Perhaps an Egyptian priest or king broke the curse of the skeletons, either by defeating the head skeleton in combat or by discovering the magic words needed to send their spirits back to Hell," Edmund-White said. "In any case, there is strong evidence that the Power of Greyskull played a significant role in the defeat of the skeleton people."

According to Hutchins, the skeletons bear numerous similarities to humans, leading him to suspect that there may be an evolutionary link between the two species.

"Like humans, these creatures walked upright on two legs and possessed highly developed opposable thumbs," Edmund-White said. "These and many other similarities lend credence to the theory that hundreds of thousands of years ago, human development passed through a skeletal stage. These skeletons may, in fact, be ancestors of us all."

"Any of us could be part skeleton," he added.

Other experts disagreed.

"The evidence of an evolutionary link between humans and skeletons is sparse at best," said Dr. Terrance Schneider of the University of Chicago. "Furthermore, it is downright unscientific to theorize that skeleton life originated in Egypt merely because mummies, another species of monster, are indigenous to the area. Spooky creatures are found all over the world, from the vampires of Transylvania to the headless horsemen of Sleepy Hollow"

 

[JtheJackal]

Some of my favorites have been:
For World War 1:
"War Decalred by All, Austria Declares War on Serbia Declares War on Germany Decarles War on France Declares War on Turkey Declares War on Russia Declares War on Bulgaria Declares War on Britain"
"Ottoman Empire Almost Declares War on itself, Nations sturgle to remember allies."

My facorite one line blurb:
"Terrifying Sea Monster Turns Out To Be Even More Terrifying Amphibious Monster"

My favorite horoscope for my sign:
"Your life will be described as "Lord of the Flies for lonely people" by a person who obviously has never read The Yellow Wallpaper."