Favourite Comic Sketch?

MrPresident

Anglo-Saxon Liberal
Joined
Nov 8, 2001
Messages
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Location
The Prosperous Part of the EU
Here is mine. It is from a small group called Monty Python. It is entitled 'The Four Yorkshiremen'. Enjoy.

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay Gessiah?

Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah.

Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?

MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

GC: A cup ' COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TG: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."

EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!

MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpaulin, but it was a house to US.

GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake!

TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.

MP: Cardboard box?

TG: Aye.

MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!



GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."

MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope..
 
Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager
gave me a job as coach for as long as your on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if your the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've net the guys. So you'll have to tell me
their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give
these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe'
Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first,
What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and coll-
ects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?
CoI wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how
does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
Abbott: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.tello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: Alright.

PAUSE

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing
third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on base?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third.
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the
guy's name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!!! I want to know
what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitch-
ing on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter
bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher,
I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and
throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it.
Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don't you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: Your not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is
drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball
and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know
throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and
hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third
and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

THE END
 
Here's one from a bit of Fry and Laurie.

Stephen Fry (S): Did you actually know Richard Burton?
Hugh Laurie (H): Oh yes, yes. I knew him, yes. Well, in as much as anyone really KNEW Burton. Aah, yes. I was very fond of 'the Burt'. He was an amazing character, amazing character.
S: Mmmm, now Elizabeth Taylor, of course...
H: Well now, Liz you see, was a joy... a dream... a treasure... marvelous. If you could have seen them together... wuh huh!
S: Did you ever...
H: Oh good lord yes, yes. As a matter of fact I was, uh, I was, uh, best man at their wedding.
S: Really?
H: Hmmm.
S: Which one?
H: All of them.
S: Now Geilguld and Richardson were...
H: Yes. They never married, of course.
S: No.
H: No.
S: Did you know them?
H: Oh good lord yes, yes I knew. Yes, yes. Amazing characters, yes. "The Geil" and "the Rich" used to ask me for advice. They used to call me their "guru". Huh huh huh huh.
S: Now, around this time you must have met...
H: Well, just about everyone, really.
S: Really?
H: Yes. I knew everyone, and everyone knew me.
S: You knew everyone?
H: I knew absolutely everyone, yes.
S: And everyone knew you.
H: And absolutely EVERYONE knew me. Yes, yes.
S: Right. What did you think of Simon Condywust?
H: Simon...?
S: Condywust. Didn't you know him?
H: Oh yes, yes, I knew him. Oh yes, yes. Well, everyone knew "the Condy". Yes, he was an amazing character, amazing.
S: Mmm hmmm. What about Maureen Limpwippypippydodo?
H: Oh well now, yes. She was a fascinating woman. Fascinating. I was fascinated by Maureen for, oh, many years.
S: Mmm hmmm. Was she an amazing character?
H: Well no. She was a woman. The men were amazing characters, the women were fascinating. Yes.
S: Colin FenchmosleythinkIhave?
H: Oh, oh lord, yes. What a charac... yes. What, "the Fench"? Yes, yes, knew him terribly well, terribly well. Yeah.
S: What did you think of Fenella HaHaHaHaHaHaHa-spuit?
H: Fascinating woman, fascinating... yeah, yeah.
S: And what about Peter Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
H: Well yes. Well, you see... ha ha ha ha. They broke the mold when they made Peter. Ha ha.
S: And Evelyn Brokethemoldwhentheymadepeter?
H: Delightful... woman?
S: Anthony Delightfulwoman?
H: Oh, splendid chap.
S: Dick van Dyke?
H: You just made that up!
 
In my university play we made a parody of the for Yorkshiremen with dictators who were cruel to their citizens.

An excerpt:
A: I don't understand where my political opponents are, they just disappear...
B: I have just got political perisoners.
C: What? Are your prisoners allowed to do politics? In my country they may only make license plates for cars.
A: Ha! My prisoners make license plates for harvesters - six days a week!
B: Mine work seven days a week!
C: We have abolished the days. My prisoners work ten night shifts a week!
A: Shifts! Imperialist pig!
C: Thanks!

And so on...
 
Renaissance Choir: [Gregorian Chant]
Servant [Graham Chaplin]: A Michelangelo to see you, your Holiness.
Pope [John Cleese]: Who?
Servant: Michelangelo, the famous renaissance artist whose best known works include
the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and
the celebrated statue of David.
Pope: Ah. Very well...
Servant: In 1514 he returned to Florence and de...
Pope: All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now!
Servant: Oh.
Michelangelo [Eric Idle]: Good evening, your Holiness.
Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to have a word with you about this painting of
yours, "The Last Supper."
Michelangelo: Oh, yeah?
Pope: I'm not happy about it.
Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.
Pope: Not happy at all.
Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like?
Pope: No.
Michelangelo: Ah, no, I know, they do have a bit of colour, don't they? Oh, I know,
you don't like the kangaroo?
Pope: What kangaroo?
Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out.
Pope: I never saw a kangaroo!
Michelangelo: Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make
him into a disciple.
Pope: Aah.
Michelangelo: All right?
Pope: That's the problem.
Michelangelo: What is?
Pope: The disciples.
Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.
Pope: No, it's just that there are twenty-eight of them.
Michelangelo: Oh, well, another one will never matter, I'll make the kangaroo into
another one.
Pope: No, that's not the point.
Michelangelo: All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo. Be honest, I wasn't
perfectly happy with it.
Pope: That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples!
Michelangelo: Too many?
Pope: Well, of course it's too many!
Michelangelo: Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last
supper. You know, not just any old last
supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. But you know, I wanted to give the
impression of a real mother of a blow-out,
you know?
Pope: There were only twelve disciples at the last supper.
Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of the others came along afterw...
Pope: There were only twelve altogether.
Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of their friends came by, you know?
Pope: Look! There were just twelve disciples and our Lord at the last supper. The
Bible clearly says so.
Michelangelo: No friends?
Pope: No friends.
Michelangelo: Waiters?
Pope: No.
Michelangelo: Cabaret?
Pope: No!
Michelangelo: You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the scene, I could lose
a few, you know I could...
Pope: Look! There were only twelve disciples at...
Michelangelo: I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it "The Last But One Supper"!
Pope: What?
Michelangelo: Well there must have been one, if there was a last supper there must
have been a one before that, so this, is the
"Penultimate Supper"! The Bible doesn't say how many people were there, does it?
Pope: No, but...
Michelangelo: Well there you are, then!
Pope: Look! The last supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord, the
penultimate supper was not! Even if they had a
conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a
last supper I want! With twelve disciples
and one Christ!
Michelangelo: One?!
Pope: Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to
paint this with three Christs in it?
Michelangelo: It works, mate!
Pope: Works?
Michelangelo: Yeah! It looks great! The fat one balances the two skinny ones.
Pope: There was only one Redeemer!
Michelangelo: Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic
license?
Pope: A one Messiah is what I want!
Michelangelo: I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want a bloody photographer!
That's you want. Not a bloody creative
artist to crease you up...
Pope: I'll tell you what I want! I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve
disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by
Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!
Michelangelo: Bloody fascist!
Pope: Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am! May not know much about art, but I know what
I like!
 
Secretary [Carol Cleveland]: Ooh! Good afternoon, sir. May I help you?
Customer [Michael Palin]: Yes, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Secretary: Certainly, sir. Uhm, have you been here before?
Customer: Ah, no, this is my first time.
Secretary: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument or were you thinking
of taking a course?
Customer: Well, uh, what is the cost?
Secretary: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds
for a course of ten.
Customer: Well, I think I'll just try the one and see how it goes from there.
Secretary: Fine. Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, Room 12.
Customer: Thank you very much.
Mr. Barnard [Graham Chaplin]: What do you want?
Customer: Well, I just was...
Mr. Barnard: Don't give me that, you snorty-faced pair of parrot droppings! Shut
your festering gob, you tit! Your type
make me puke, you vacuous ---- stuffing old malodrious pervert!
Customer: Listen, I came here for an argument!
Mr. Barnard: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse!
Customer: Oh, oh, I see!
Mr. Barnard: Hahaha!
Customer: Terribly sorry.
Mr. Barnard: No, you want Room 12A, next door.
Customer: Oh, I see. Thank you very much.
Mr. Barnard: Not at all.
Customer: Uhuh!
Mr. Barnard: Stupid git...
Customer: Uh, is this the right room for an argument?
Argumentator [John Cleese]: I told you once.
Customer: Uh, no, you haven't.
Argumentator: Yes, I have.
Customer: When?
Argumentator: Just now.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: You didn't!
Argumentator: I did.
Customer: No, you didn't!
Argumentator: I'm telling you I did!
Customer: You most certainly did not!
Argumentator: Ah, wait a moment, is this the five-minute argument or the full half
hour?
Customer: Oh, oh, I see. Just the five-minute.
Argumentator: Just the five minutes... Right, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Customer: Oh, no, you didn't.
Argumentator: Now let's get one thing absolutely clear. I most definitely told you.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: No, you didn't.
Argumentator: Yes, I did.
Customer: Oh, look, this isn't an argument!
Argumentator: Yes, it is!
Customer: No, it isn't! It's just contradiction!
Argumentator: No, it isn't!
Customer: It is!
Argumentator: It is not!
Customer: It is! You just contradicted me!
Argumentator: I did not!
Customer: You did!
Argumentator: No, no, no!
Customer: You did just that!
Argumentator: Nonsense!
Customer: Oh, this is futile!
Argumentator: No, it isn't.
Customer: Yes, it is. I came here for a good argument.
Argumentator: No, you didn't. You came here for an argument.
Customer: Yes, but an argument isn't just contradiction!
Argumentator: Well, can be.
Customer: No, an argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish
a proposition.
Argumentator: No, it isn't!
Customer: Yes, it is! It isn't just contradiction!
Argumentator: Look, if I argue with you, I must take a contrary position.
Customer: Yes, but that isn't just saying "No, it isn't!"
Argumentator: Yes, it is!
Customer: No, it isn't!
Argumentator: Yes, it is!
Customer: No, it isn't!
Argumentator: Yes, it is!
Customer: No, it isn't!
Argumentator: Yes, it is!
Customer: No, it isn't!
Argumentator: Yes, it is!
Customer: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just a automatic
gain-say of anything the other person says!
Argumentator: It is not!
Customer: It is!
Argumentator: Not at all!
Customer: Now look...
Bell: [Pling]
Argumentator: Thank you! Good morning!
Customer: What?
Argumentator: That's it! Good morning!
Customer: I was just getting interested!
Argumentator: Uh, I'm sorry, the five minutes is up!
Customer: That was never five minutes, just now!
Argumentator: I'm afraid it was.
Customer: Oh, no, it wasn't.
Argumentator: I'm sorry, I'm...I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Customer: What?
Argumentator: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five
minute.
Customer: But that was never five minutes, just now!
Argumentator: [Whistle]
Customer: Oh, come on! Oh, this is ridiculous!
Argumentator: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five
minutes!
Customer: Oh, all right. Here you are.
Argumentator: Thank you.
Customer: Well?
Argumentator: Well what?
Customer: That was never five minutes, just now!
Argumentator: I told you, if you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for
another five minutes.
Customer: Yes, yes, well, I've just paid!
Argumentator: No, you didn't!
Customer: I did!
Argumentator: You did not!
Customer: I did!
Argumentator: You never...
Customer: I did!
Argumentator: You never...
Customer: I did!
Argumentator: You never...
Customer: I did!
Argumentator: You never...
Customer: I did!
Argumentator: You never...
Customer: Oh, what are we even arguing about!
Argumentator: Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay!
Customer: Aha! But if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Ahaaa! Got you!
Argumentator: No, you haven't.
Customer: Yes, I have. If, you're arguing, I must have paid.
Argumentator: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Customer: Oh, I've had enough of this!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
Customer: Yes, I have!
Argumentator: No, you haven't!
 
Argument clinic is my fave scetch of all time.
 
History Today part 1
baddiel2.gif

Welcome to History Today. With me in the chair today is Professor F J Lewis, overites professor at All Souls' College, Oxford, and we will be talking about British History between 1931 and 37 - The Austerity Years, and principally the effect that rationing had on changes in government at that time. Professor Lewis, I wonder what you feel the nexus of cause and effect to be here?

baddiel.gif

See that Eddie The Eagle Edwards?

Yes?

That's you, that is. That's your mum. See that Peter Beardsley?

I am aware of him

That's your girlfriend that is. Oh, a ha ha ha ha ha. You see that old lady over there?

Yes?

You love her

I don't

Psst, oy scuse me. He fancies you - You see Thora Hird?

I am aware of her work

You fancy her - Oh. You are her

I'm not. I'm bloody not

Ah well

How could you say that?

You are her. Everyone thinks you are. She's like your best friend

Well thankyou Professor Lewis...

You're gay you are

Just as a postscript to what we've been saying, Professor Lewis, I'd like to say... I saw your mum, coming out of the VD clinic. I'd like to say that anyone with aids, that's you that is. That's your girlfriend, and your mum, and your dad. You know like a pair of pants with some cack in it. That's you that is

Well I haven't come on this programme to be insulted. Good night!
 
A thread about comedy sketches would not be complete without the famous Monty Python "Dead Parrot" sketch.

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer [John Cleese]: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner [Michael Palin]: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about
this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's
wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead,
that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and
I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird,
the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle
fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the
counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to
the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough
of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I
purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its
total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged
out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?,
look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im
home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable
bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I
got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had
been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had
been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that
bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em
apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four
million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more!
He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop,
and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll
replace the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a
false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswich.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant [Terry Jones]: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I
like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to
200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found
myself deposited here in Ipswich.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same
backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be
"Notlob"!! It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as
I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major [Graham Chapman]: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too
silly...
 
Can anyone be bothered to type out the "Peter and John the businessmen" sketches from Fry and Laurie? They're very funny :)
 
Can anyone be bothered to type out the "Peter and John the businessmen" sketches from Fry and Laurie? They're very funny
DAMN!!! I can't be bothered to produce the sketches but I do remember a particularly funny piece of dialogue between the two.

John (Stephen Fry): I believe you have a daughter.
Peter (Hugh Laurie): Henrietta.
John: Did he? I'm sorry. That must have been painful.
 
:lol: all these are great.
 
"DAMN!!! I can't be bothered to produce the sketches but I do remember a particularly funny piece of dialogue between the two"

From the same sketch -

Peter (in reflective mood, looking out of window) - "there are 2 million people out there...."

John - "Oh really? What do they want?"


AND

Peter - "love? Dammit Jaahn, I never though I'd here an old war horse like you talk about love"

John - "you dont need a Harvard MBA to know that the bedroom and the boardroom are just two sides of the same agenda"

:lol: :lol:
 
History Today part 2
Good evening. Once again I am joined by Professor F J Lewis, overitus professor of history at All Souls' College,Oxford. I understand that some viewers felt that last week we rather skated over the topic of Great Britain 1931 -38, The Austerity years. I can only offer my apologies and pledge that Professor Lewis and myself shall make every endevour to fully explore tonight's topic of discussion, the 1905 Sebastopol Uprising. Professor Lewis, do you feel as many do, that Sebastopol was indeed the birthplace of the Russian Revolution?

See people who talk like this? [imitates mentally ******** person] That's you that is. That's you talking your best.

I see.

You see girls running like this? That's you that is. That's how you run. See your bike? It's a girl's bike

I do not own a bicycle

You do, and it's a girl's one

Well I'd just like to ...

It's for girls. You see those workmans' tents in the road?

I have observed them

That's your house. That's where you go on holiday. See this? This is my drink. You can't have none. mmm, yum yum, tasty

Oh I've just remembered...

Sorry, I'm busy drinking my drink

Your dad phoned me up the other day

My father? What did he say?

[imitates mentally ******** person]

La la, can't hear you, speak louder, la la, louder....

Professor Lewis, if we may return to the subject in hand, I have here a copy of your book, origins of the Crimean War. Poo, ugh, poo, it smells of poo

That's because it's been inside your mum's bra

Well it would appear...

That's why it's so very smelly

It would appear that the Sebastopol question is one that will continue heated debate between historians. Professor Lewis, thankyou very much

Thankyou
 
"Biggus Dickus" from The Life Of Brian

Pilate (Michael Palin): What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Centurion (John Cleese): Well, it's a joke name, sir.
P: I have a very gweat fwend in Wome named Biggus Dickus!
1st Soldier: (snickers)
P: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy qwickwy with rotten behavior like that!
C: Can I go now sir? (smacks Brian)
P: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
1st Soldier: (laughs)
P: Right, take him away!
C: Oh sir, he-
P: No, no, I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week!
C: Yes sir! C'mon you. (takes 1st soldier away)
P: I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiery!
(He walks up to 2nd and 3rd soldiers)
P: Anybody else feel like a little...giggle? When I mention my friend: Biggus...DICKUS!?!
4th soldier: (giggles)
P: (walks up to 4th soldier) And what about you, hm? Do you find it wittable? When I say the name...Biggus...DICKUS?
(2nd and 3rd soldiers giggle)
P: He has a wife, you know. Know what she's called?
(Soldiers shake their heads)
P: She's called...Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!
(All three soldiers explode with laughter)
 
My favorites are "crunchy frog" and "self defence against fresh fruits", both by monty python.
 
(Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)

Voice Over : This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.

(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)

Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...

(Ernest's mother (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices thepiece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)

Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

(About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)

Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)

Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke washurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)

(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)

Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.)

Generals: Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

Colonel: All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital· But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes· Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)

Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...

Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.

Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)

Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider just couldn't match.

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.

SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'
Voice Over: In action it was deadly.

(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)

Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)

Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.)

Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.

(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.)

Nazi: Vott is the big joke?

Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?

Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.

Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?

Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effct) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)

Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

(They stop tickling him)

Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.

(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)

Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)

Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!

(Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.)

Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.)

Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)

German Joker: Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

Otto: We let you know.

(He shoots him.
Film of German sdentists.)

Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.

(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)

Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

(Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)

Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)
 
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