Funny Journal Entries

[Diamondeye]

From the Diary of General Thompson, American Army, 1936 AD:

April the 24th:
"Today we lost two large tank divisions attacking the Sumerians. Our tanks are some of the best in the world and the crew was trained to fight Infantry, but the Sumer where stationed on a hill and had been there for 10 years. What could we do?"

June the 2nd:
"In our latest push against the city of Munich, owned now by the Sumer (who had captured it from the empire of Germany long ago), we sent alot of infantry and two artillery divisions. Unfortunately, they decided to use four years to bomb the ancient castle and walls around the city. Meanwhile, the Sumer Drafted and Reinforced the city, so we will have to wait some 12-14 years before we can get enough troops to attack."

From the diary of Bill Fletcher, Longbowman, 1323 AD, The siege of Hastings:
"Our city is under siege by the romans, and they have brought a new invention with them - a trebuchet, a large device to throw stones at city walls, effectively destroying defenses and anyone stupid enough to get in the way. In the city we have my longbow division, aswell as two archer divisions and an axeman regiment. Today, when the assault was emminent, my division were ordered to the wall. >But, general, they are going to break the walls with that machine! Why would you let your best troops weaken by sending them to be shot at by that monstrous siege weapon?< His answer, that still confuses me a bit, was that the rest of the troops wouldn't take that much damage from the rocks. I mean, a two tonne-rock isn't going to hurt me less because I am equipped with a tin helm and a flagpole shaped as a bow, not? What really surprises me was that my best friend, William Shoemaker, destroyed the siegeweapon with one arrow before it could do any harm. I think we will hold the city."

 

[adyvanbasten]

) This is incredible!!!!

 

[Ur_Vile_Wedge]

Diary of a Great General.

1st year of invasion.

Have entered our enemies lands with little resistance, due to our ultimate army led by me, the great tactician. In another year we shall be outside of their cities walls and can begin bombardment.

2nd year.

Curses and drat! They have assembled a force, not so mighty as ours, upon the plains before their city. I shall smash it in the morrow..... Or next year.


3rd year. Their leader is a man of great skill! Despite my well known tactical genius, every time I ready an assault with a unit, one of theirs that is expressely designed to defeat mine will rotate to the fore. I try to order an assault with all hands, but my subordinates insist that such a thing is impossible. Bloody idiots.


3rd year, second entry. A liuetenant general has insisted to me that our catapults, despite firing small rocks twice an hour, will have a crippling effect upon the entire enemy army if they are the first to lead the charge. I am dubious about the theory of this attack, but the Oddscounter seems to agree that it is my best chance. Forward the charge!

 

[Breunor]

Leader Breunor, we want to go to war.

Breunor - Where are we going?

We have to invade the island dominated by the Egyptians. Are we going to have permission from you?

Breunor -- I don't think its possible. You want many years of our GNP. It will all be lost.

Why?

Breunor -- Well, it takes our Galleons 30 years to get there. By then, our troops will be dead, the equipment will be useless because of lack of ports or areas for maintenance, there is no resupply available. This army and navy can never be supported, they will die of starvation. If by some miracle they didn't, and their equipment got them there, they would all be in their 50's and 60's when our troops got there.

These aren't problems. Our spy we placed there 30 years ago communicates with us instantaneously, and tells us their problems are even greater.

(Breunor interrupts) -- Uh, how does he do that?

Telepathy. Anyway, the reason that we are attacking is that the Egyptians are employing troops that are technologically behind. Most of their soldiers are actually several hundred years old. So we think our newer guys in their 50 and 60's will be much more fit along with having more modern technology.

Breunor -- But what about the logistics?

No problem. Our ships are maintained automatically by paying some money.

(Breunor interrupts) -- The money isn't the issue, there is no way to get maintenance parts or people to where it is needed.

No, leader Breunor, you don't understand. It happens automatically.

Breunor -- Uh, how?

(Exasperated sigh) Don't you know anything? You spend the money, the maintenance occurs.

Breunor -- How about the food? The weapons?

Same thing, pay the money, the food and weapons are automatically supplied.

Breunor -- Uh, while we are automatically supplying with replacement weapons, why can't we upgrade our older weapons to the best we can?

No! That isn't how it works! You pay the money, you get the exact same weapons. Anyway, the troops with the older weapons are old, very old, some over a few thousand years old.

Breunor -- Well, if they are over a few thousand years old, shouldn't they stop wearing bronze armor and the like and get those weapons?

NO! NO! The only way to do this is through an expensive upgrade. Anyway, they are too old to learn how to use complex weapons like guns and pistols. They are still drilling on how to charge in formation with swords and spears.

Breunor -- When we get there, can we still spy?

Yes, we have been spending 'spy points'. Along with our spy, he can help, and will also be able to use telepathy to contact the army.

Breunor -- What about the civilian authority? Won't the population be upset with such a large expenditure going out for so long?

The population really won't react until after the 30 years, when we start to fight. But by then, we have the ultimate solution.

Breunor -- What is that?

We are building a sculpture of past presidents in a mountain.

Breunor -- And why does that work?

It does, you should read up on your 'Civilopedia' to understand these things.

Breunor -- While the troops are gone, who is going to maintain order in the cities?

No problem. Order is being maintained by our oldest troops. In two cities, we have some guys who are over 4000 years old, armed with clubs.

Breunor -- Uh, can they really maintain order? Some of the criminal element have guns, don't they?

It works anyway. Actually, that is protecting you now, the capital city of over 2 million people are being protected by those 4000 year old clubmen. There are probably a few hundred of them.

Breunor -- Will we be able to maintain the war as long as the Egyptians?

Yes, if you capture Cairo, they lose the Pyramids, so they can't use a representative government any more.

(Breunor interrupting) Uh, why not?

The Pyramids allow the representative government and other governments. Once we capture it, we will start implementing a representative government.

Breunor --So why aren't we using it now?

Because we don't have the Pyramids.

Breunor -- Uh, anything else?

Yes, even more important than that, remember we built that gold statue to Zeus years ago?

Breunor -- Uh, yes.

Well, that stature drives them crazy if they are at war with us!

Breunor -- Uh, are you sure? I don't think an Egyptian has ever seen that statue or even knows that we have it here!

It works automatically, like the sculpture of the past presidents.


Breunor -- Ok, you convinced me! Let's get that army moving!


Best wishes,

Breunor

 

[rabidveggie]

Log from a Bomber Pilot

Three days of heavy bombing had reduced the enemy divisions to half their strength. Upon landing I immediately asked for my plane to be refueled so that I could finish the job. My request was denied by fighter command, which said that it would be pointless since you can't reduce the enemies numbers below half. I find it hard to believe considering 4 or 5 wooden catapults have the capability to reduce an enemy force to the point of death.

Diary of Queen Elizabeth

I'm so confused. Recently my army went to war with the Holy Roman Empire. As the war progressed my peoples anger grew exponentially despite us having taken almost no casualties. When I asked my advisors what was causing this they said that it was the result of golden Statue of Zeus which caused my peoples anger to increase by 50%. What I don't understand is the fact that the Holy Roman Empire, which is primarily Christian would build a statue of another deity, and gain benefits from doing so.

 

[Terrance888]

Sir!

Yes?

After a build up of 3000 years our force of 5 quechas are finally ready to kill to 2 archers in Assville (actual misspelled comp name.)

And why are you useing quechas instead of swords men?

Well quechas seems to get a big bonuses from carving asses on their poles.

And how far away are they?

1000 years of march.

and did they win?

Yup

How?

I mean how do you know?

The stupid aztecs attacked with their archers on our quechas peacefully camping out near a river on a nice wooded Hill...

 

[Way_Traveler]

Breunor wins the thread.

 

[Breunor]

Breunor wins the thread.

Thanks, glad you liked it!

Best wishes,

Breunor

 

[Wolfprint]

Pierre's Diary, 1300BC

"Dear Diary,

Today I was just hanging around the Palace when I saw my ruler run out shouting "Zat's zit! Zat's zit!" I asked him what was wrong, and he told me to call him King, and taught us to make wine. Suddenly the grape juice in my cup tasted very good. My new king also said we were now going to be a Hereditary Rulership, and everyone smashed everything raround in a state of revolt."

------------
Pierre's Diary, 2AD

"Dear Diary,

I love my new uniform! I am now a Musketeer in the service of my king, Louis XIV, and- Ooh! Look at this pretty blue dress. And this cute hat! I am also happy that as a Musketeer, I can walk faster than all other fellow musketmen from other nations. This makes running away much easier!

In other news, my King said we were now a Theocracy. Everyone went around smashing everything in a state of revolt. Again."

------------
Pierre's Diary, 1789AD

"Dear Diary,

Everyone keeps smashing stuff whenever the King- no wait, he's the Prime Minister now- announces that we're going to adopt a new mode of government. Why must we always have a violent revolution every single time?

Gerard and Claude even went to the Bastille and freed the prisoners and took guns. Those clowns.

Why can't we be like the neighbouring Indians? They never revolt whenever they change modes of government. My penpal, Gopal, says it's because they are spiritual people. So they are more understanding of change. He also told me that he was now Christian, since they had now a system of free religion in India.

Hmm, I'm not sure how that works. I will have to ask Gopal in my next letter."

 

[daniel smith]

Log from New Yorks major:

Our beloved city was hit by a powerfull tornado, we lost tens of thousands of citizens. We are all devastated by this insident, things couldn't be worse with people refusing to work.

On a side note: After losing some of our population, citizens of NY have become happy again .

 

[Diamondeye]

Breunor wins the thread.

Definately agree.

 

[mmm11105]

The Memoirs of a Great Prophet

Today I commited a great service or my country by instantly discovering theology and founding christianity. Wait... Why is the millitary here... Why do I have to die... Because I founded a religion... Helped our country... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

 

[Eclipse-X010]

-A letter from a citizen of Rome to his cousin-
Dear Fred,
I'm so confused, today my scientists discovered something they call Theology. Immediately all the buildings turned to stone and the roofs changed to wood and tile and suddenly everything looked pretty gray. Augustus Caesar said in his speech to the people that we had entered something called the medieval age, whatever that is.

-From the diary of a Galley captain:
Today we spotted a hostile caravel on the horizon. I told the crew to prepare for battle but when I tried to sail out to the enemy ship a strange invisible barrier stopped our ship. We returned to our wise leader and asked why this happened and h said we were only a galley an couldn't sail on ocean tiles. Our crew was faced with this problem for several thousand years until one day our leader said he had paid money for us to be "upgraded" Instantly our ship got bigger and stronger and strange devices called "cannons" appeared.


-From the diary of a Dutch citizen
Today was a bit of an adrenaline rush, Ghandi's army of Modern Armors was closing in on our capital city when suddenly everything froze and our leader came out and said that some spaceship we launched years ago had reached some far off planet and that we had won the game. I was about to ask "What game" when suddenly a giant screen appeared showing the history of our civilization. Then a strange voice filled the air and told our great Prime Minister William van Orange that he had achieved the leader ranking of Dan Quayle. Know one else in the city knew what that meant but suddenly our great prime minister started cursing and shouting: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN DAN QUAYLE" "I (bleep) know how to spell potato (bleep). I was curious why strange (bleep) sounds seemed to be taking the place of William van Orange's words.


From the diary of a citizen of Persia:
A few hundred years ago the great king of Persia sent us out to build a city. We found the perfect place for a city aside from the fact that it was near a Spanish city but we were told not to worry as the city would one day culture -flip to us (whatever that meant) anyway we were about to found a city when a strange man that called himself "computer" said we couldn't build a city here because we were "within 2 tiles of another city" whatever that meant. Anyway we moved to another spot and founded a city there. We expected to half to do a bunch of work but as soon as someone said "ok this is fine" a bunch of buildings popped out of nowhere an people started walking through the streets.


An exert from the log of a Spanish King:

One day this guy calling himself Benjamin Franklin was born in Madrid, which was constructing something called the Spiral Minaret. With his help the building was finished twenty times faster and I was about to ask him to help us build something called "The Heroic Epic" when suddenly he disappeared and was never seen again. Even stranger, my financial adviser said we now received more money because this building would boost our trade roots. When I asked him how he replied "tourism". When I asked him how a bunch of people on a pilgrimage that didn't pay our taxes or buy our food could increase gold or how a strange tower with a spiral staircase could boost other countries trade with us he replied: "I don't know I just take the gold".


An exert from Roosevelt's military log:

I just don't understand!!! I fired ten nukes at an enemy Greek City called "Athens". The explosion was huge and the blast encompassed land far beyond that of the city. I was cirtain they were destroyed until I discovered (somehow) that they still had a tiny bit of their population left,represented by a (1). I fired 2 more nukes certain they were destroyed this time. When the smoke cleared that one citizen and a few buildings still stared. Angrily I fired ten more nukes at the city, but it still stood their. Finally I lost my patience and ordered 50 195 megaton nuclear bombs fired at the city. I then relaxed, certain that they had been destroyed. when the smoke finally cleared I saw that... The city was still there. At this point I had run out of Nukes and was about to build more when my military adviser said that cities can't be destroyed by nukes. I asked him why this was and he replied "because the rules say so" I was about to ask him what the rules were when I accidentally hit a button labeled "end turn' Immediately our city got hit with nuclear retaliation missiles from Sparta. I asked him (my military adviser) how they figured out how to make nukes and he replied that when we built the Manhattan Project every country could build nukes so long as they had the technology. He also said that this was because of "the rules" I was about to ask him agin what these rules were when another Nuke hit Washington. This is looking to be a very long day.

 

[Crowqueen]

Diary of an unknown Sumerian tank driver, found after the battle for New York

24 June, 1783 AD

Geeze, it's cold! This tundra must go on for miles. No wonder the Americans are so backward, they hardly stood a chance against all this whiteout. All I can hear are the calls of the snowy owls and the barking of tundra foxes, and me and the boys made ourselves hats out of fur we captured from the American trappers yesterday. Say what you like, Gilgamesh, but plastic macs can't beat a good beaver cap.

Anyway, we move against New York tomorrow. I've heard they are all slaves in America - Lincoln is the biggest slaver of them all. We took a couple of villages yesterday when we captured Boston, but they don't really seem to get it that Gilgamesh has liberated them from their cruel oppressors. When we arrived in the city, I wanted to go drinking, but we weren't in the unit that actually ground the defenders to a halt and so on to our next destination without so much as a toilet break or a chance to patch up the kit. Never mind. We'll sort it out once we get to New York because I've heard they even have a blast furnace there to sort out a copper (!!) patch for this old tin can. (Note to you Yankees: this is what's called a tank. Even if you hit it a thousand times with your pointy metal sticks, it WON'T JUST GO AWAY.) When we told them they were free and that the gracious Sumerian people would let them live, they took that as a sign to scatter like the pathetic peasants they really are. And without full control of Boston - I can still see the riots from here - we can't get them to work for love nor money. Perhaps it's time to try liberating them from their water-clocks to get them moving again. They do however seem curious of the computers High Command back in Uruk uses to communicate with the troops in the field. (Better check my email and see how the other battles are doing on iGoogle Sumeria). Oh well.

Farrad here says that New York is defended very poorly. Instead of blades, the people in the city still use spears. Of course, back in the first days of this war, I can remember the massive regiments of horse-based cavalry came in very useful when we bulldozed through England. Back then I supposed spears were still useful, because horses are living beings and get scared when a well-trained phalanx rushes them with pointy sticks. That's why Gilgamesh decided to order his scientists to learn combustion and industrialisation in order to make sure we could have metal horses rather than real ones (there is oil in the Empire, they found it under one of the old forts that we built back in the early days; odd that the courtyard well acted so ...well to extract the oil and that we didn't actually have to build a rig or a refinery to use the oil and petrol in our tanks, but there you go...miracles often happen when you rely on Enlil, the most Holy High Hindu God). OK, so they didn't survive the first few rounds of rifle fire, but that's the problem - our enemies are so poorly equipped you'd think it was impossible to learn from other civilizations. Surely the black market must have worked in their favour. Even the odd unaligned free cities we encounter come at us with illicit AK47s. So why does a civilization like Lincoln's not know how to use even antique muskets? Odd.

Anyway, I've got to go. I can hear marching in the distance, it must be that Lincoln has sent yet another bunch of sacrificial lambs to the slaughter in this pointless battle against the inevitable.

The diary was found among the effects of Tom Bennett, an American spearman, when the Sumerian army finally liberated New York. The diary had been partly used as toilet paper during the last days of the siege but the last entry was clear proof of the way in which Sumerian tanks were actually still vulnerable to the twists of fate. Enlil be praised that it actually survived to bear witness to such an event because the likelihood of such an occurrence was so slim and yet so predictable in certain circumstances that the military instructors in Eridu were able to put their heads together to come up with a possible solution as to how to fix it in the next aeon of their civilization.

 

[Winth]

Huayna Capac decided finally to settle down after years and years of wandering, hunting and having se... seven beers for dinner.
-We have to settle down. Give me our map of what we explored.
-Um, sire, we don't have one. The only map we have is what is around us.
-What? So you say that after thousands of years that we have wandered around the world and the fact that for some reason I am immortal so I can drink poisoned wine which gives me the power of making propane-propelled farts... Nevermind, I'm immortal! So I can pretty much remember that there were helluva lot of resources out there, why do we know only about where we are?
-Basically yes, sire.

A tale of Gruknukchuk, the barbarian leader.

There was a little village of Olmec people somewhere over there. They were mainly roving raiders, getting what they want from the other civilizations. A scout reported:
-chief gruknukchuk. me found worker fella. weaponless.
-What is he doing?
-he come to the gate of city. he count archer.
-Retaliate! Kill him!

* * *

-What do you mean "Meep! Meep!"?!
-worker fella said dat. when he ran.
-How?!
-i can "meep! meep!" too...
-Not THAT, you idiot! How did he ran away?
-our archer shot. but before arrows reach worker fella, he "meep meep" and goes.
-Where is our oracle?
-grumpy old woman in tower.

* * *

-How did that happen?
-The gods are saying that workers will always move before you can retaliate. They can move 2 fields a row.
-Why can't we?
-Beats me.

Diary of the Great General Donaldo Plandecco:

I have disposed some of our fine Roman archers to nail the enemy axemen from behind the city walls. However, the archers have left the city and fought the axemen in the open. Now Rome has virtually no defenders. Idiots...

Fortunately, at the cost of about 60000 of our people we have managed to train 3000 Axemen. That was enough, although we gave them their axes when some enemies already advanced at us, we were in hurry. No problem, although I wonder why we didn't just give the axes to those 60000 people. Probably it's because being an Axeman requires an exclusive burial site, manicure and pedicure... Yeah, it can be painful to manage those sweaty, ugly scarred people. Some just don't make it (make it... make-up... heh...) and get killed themselves. Or is it because that idiot Slubilus likes to whip the pedicurers. He pretends to be Harrisonus Fordus.

The crysis was managed. Meanwhile, our a bit exaggerated force of 48 Praetorian divisions still have trouble fightning against rioting people of Olmec. This city currently has 1000 inhabitants because of the siege and the slaughtered armies, but those 1000 Olmecs still do surprisingly well as partisans, even though the only weapon they know is a wooden club. They don't even have armor, bah. But on a footnote, it seems that the situation will stabilize in about 120 years.

Meanwhile, Rome flourishes. Priests teach people on writing, maths and stuff. People are storming in hordes to the Church of Nativity. We are fervent Christians and it's our state religion, which causes quite a stir with our Jewish and Hindu neighbors. But it's weird that our zealous ways are not putting a screwdriver into the fact that we are sticking to Paganism as a way of handling religion in our nation since 4000 BC. Weird, I tell you.

But our diggy ol' chump, Julius, seems to know where his mind is, so he decided to make a revolution. We are now theocratic. People find it quite wrong and they riot like those jerks in Olmec. But when we captured Stonehenge, it didn't stop them from building Monuments rather than doing their work. Sigh.

 

[Thomas G.]

Conversation between Lt. General John C. H. Lee, commander of Services of Supply, and Colonel Bogey, commander of First Washington Defense Regiment.

- Colonel, I wanted to talk these supply figures over with you.
- Sure thing, general. Whats the matter?
- Well, here is your report, and there is the report from a Colonel Smart, up near the canadian border
- ...yes?
- If you look at the total expendure column, you will notice that you both spend 1 million dollars yearly in unit maintenance.
- Gee, what a coincidence!
- Exactly the same? To the dime? One hell of a coincidence, wouldn't you say?
- ....well...
- But this remarkable fact is not why I need to see you, of all my 50 regimental commanders. See here, the Canadian border regiment is what we designate a mechanized infranry regiment.
- ...mh-mh
- They fight and train and maneuver with the latest weaponry, fire off hundreds of rounds per soldier only in training.
- ...okay...
- They ride in armoured vehicles which use up gas, precious, costly gasoline.
- ...
- And they also launch anti-personell rockets and anti-aircraft missiles which cost 40.000 dollars a piece.
- ...and so?
- Now how in the seven HELLS can you explain how your regiment of CLUB-wielding WARRIORS manages to spend the same as this fighting unit?

 

[Crowqueen]

Diary of Aziz, Babylonian Bowman-turned-Scout, 630 BC

Now I've seen it all.

We made landfall off the coast of Spain where an unaligned village made us welcome. A couple of the village boys were so excited by my tales of far off Babylonia that they were eager to join our voyage west into the unknown. They ran down to the shore into the galley, but were surprised when we couldn't join them. "What's the matter, effendi?" they asked.

"Oh us?" we replied. "Oh, we've already moved this turn. We'll have to wait ten years to move again. Sorry boys - help yourself to fish from the boat but we're staying right here, OK?"

P.S. Now I've heard everything. Some supply ships from the mainland came here yesterday enthusing about a huge building that's just been built in Babylon next to Stonehenge. They were particularly curious as to why Hammurabi (may God grant him a long life!) had built it out of steel and glass rather than mud bricks, and called it Scotland Yard rather than the Hanging Gardens, but I suppose God must have ordered it that way through visions Hammurabi (may God bless him with many children!) had while at the Henge.

 

[dragon.jade]

Last entry in the diary of Montezuma, leader of the Aztecs:

Yesterday, I was trying to start a new war. Since the Mayas to the South were weak, I decided to attack them. But that old war advisor crony just told me that I could not do it because they were already beaten from the last war and that they were already vassals to us. I was so wroth with this that I had the Maya ambassador chest ripped open at the closest Sacrificial Altar.

I then decided to declare war to the meek Indians to the East. But yet another bugger told me I couldn't because they just gave tribute to us yesterday. And that by decree of the gods, I should abide with peace with them for the next twenty years!

I then decided to declare war to the last people on the continent: the Holy Roman Empire to the North. I cannot stand the silly face of their ambassador face any more. They may be the sole providers of all of the Copper, Iron and Horses, we had, but this merchant people will never stand the might of the Aztec Empire.
Since I finally warned the wise men advisors that the next to object my war declaration will meet the sacrificial knife, most approved of this decision, thus indeed proving they were wise. "Their LandKnecht will never stand the savage might of our Jaguars." yelled one of them with enthousiasm."

This diary is now on display in the Imperial Museum in Aachen. Aztechlogues are still trying to understand the Aztech script.

 

[Hannibal XIII]

War Journal of Hannibal Barca- 1710 AD.

Today, those Roman bastards were finally wiped out. After 200 years of war, millions of Roman deaths, and me waiting for revenge since I lived on this rock called Earth, I finally defeated the Romans. My soldiers raped the woman, and pillaged the riches. I myself decapitated every Roman senator. Hannibal ad portas indeed, stupid pikemen using asses. Pikes don't beat tanks, silly...

 

[Breunor]

Hey, my description was cut-off, it is now only about 2/3 there. Can somebody recover the rest, I thought it was prtetty good!

Best wishes,

Breunor