Funny quotes

[Jimjam Jones]

One that was in a junk email about penis enlargement that found its way into my inbox (they got their words mixed up as you can tell):

This message is for strictly men of the age 18 and over.

 

[KaiserElectric]

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

Ironically enough, it was Tiger Woods who said this...

 

[Erik Mesoy]

Name and context removed to protect the guilty:

"I totally respect anyone's desire to crawl into someone's penis."

 

[dwaxe]

A six year bump!?!?

Anyway:

(my sig)

 

[Deep Thought]

I often lose intrest and start focusing on more interesting thing...oh look, a butterfly.

-Me

Ten Characters

 

[mythmonster2]

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot
-Unknown

 

[jlvfr]

A few years back, a local soccer star spoke these words of wisdom regarding a hard game he had just played (hope the translation goes well...):

"We were at the edge of the abyss, but we were brave and took a step foward"

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

"Bullwinkle, do you know what an A-bomb is?"
"Sure! A-bomb is what some people call our show."

- Rocky & Bullwinkle

 

[LAnkou]

"-Mr. President, would you mind taking the mouse to control the computer?
-a mouse? what is a mouse?"
President Chirac

During a european summit about the PAC while Maggie Tatcher speak: "What more does she want this housewife ? My balls on a plate ?"
President Chirac

The only thing worse that british food is finnish food
President Chirac

 

[Fugitive Sisyphus]

It's all true. We are space aliens. And I'm amazed that it's taken you so long to find out.
-Phil Gramm



I heard this while listening to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me on the radio.

 

[KaiserElectric]

lol that show is funny as heck.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

In the beginning, there was Nothing.
And God said, "This is rather boring."
So he created the Universe.
And he discovered that improv could be good, and it could be bad,
But it was mostly bad.
Yet he still watches,
Because there is nothing else on.

 

[Huayna Capac357]

"It depends on what your definition of is is."

-Bill Clinton.

We miss you, Bill (mostly your gaffes).

 

[KaiserElectric]

"Opera is when someone gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying, they sing."
-Me

"There is a circle of hell reserved for people who put sweaters on dogs."
-Me

"Like two skeletons making love on a tin roof."
-Sir Thomas Beecham, describing the sound of a harpsichord.

 

[@N1k1T0$]

"It depends on what your definition of is is."

-Bill Clinton.

We miss you, Bill (mostly your gaffes).

This is brilliance not a gaffe !

 

[CCRunner]

Spoiler :

* Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
* Witness: "By death."
* Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

* Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
* Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
* Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
* Witness: "Forty-five years."

* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

* Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
* Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
* Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

* Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
* Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
* Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

*

* Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
* Witness: "Yes sir."
* Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

* Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
* Witness: "Oral."
* Lawyer: "How old are you?"
* Witness: "Oral."

* Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
* Witness: "The victim lived."

* Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
* Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

http://rinkworks.com/said/courtroom.shtml

Spoilers because there's a lot.

 

[kristopherb]

"Oh my god where did them chinese people come from?" Steve

 

[Sharwood]

On exercise:
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd have put diamonds on the floor." - Joan Rivers.

"When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. I'm beginning to believe it." Clarence Darrow.

"Well, tonight, those answers will get their... Oh f***, sorry, can we go again?" - wrestler Sid Vicious
"We're live pal." - announcer Jim Ross, in response.

"What kind of man sits on their own face?" - Joey Styles

 

[Firestorm94]

"Math is confusing, I'm taking Algebra next semester!"--some idiot

 

[CCRunner]

I'm really getting tired of the predictive text on my mobile phone thinking I actually want to use the word "Duck."