Funny quotes

[Bobbtjoe]

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
-Segal's law

 

[stuge]

"Well, you can't take with a shovel what was given with a spoon."

First lieutenant V. commenting on the performance of a conscript in training.

 

[Kullervo]

A conversation I had with a senior from my school. The back story is that I am listening to Bach.

"Hey, when did that guy live?"
"Ermm... around 1680-1750... (not sure what to think).
"Oh."
But something was bothering him. Eventually he asked... the question.

"They recorded music back then?"

I had to be taken out into the hall to calm down.


I believe this was George Patton, but I may be wrong.

"Let the enemy believe that he has gods and destinies on his side. We have tanks on ours."

 

[CivRulez07]

I went to a camp just a couple weeks ago, and for our first big meeting one of the camp councilors started off the meeting with "Ok guys, we're here to get you guys in and out of here as quick as possible, that's what she said."

 

[madviking]

One of my friends: "It's not binge drinking if you do it all the time."

 

[Heretic_Cata]

He has a point.

 

[_random_]

One of my friends: "It's not cheating if you do it in the open."

 

[Jarlaxe Baenre]

Unknown Source:

Sometimes, the road less taken is less taken for a reason.

 

[Nuka-sama]

Me talking to one of my friends about how to play dodge ball (this is at West Point Military Academy): It's pretty much exactly like World War I-don't die, and you'll be fine

Conversation I had with the weapons sergent

Me: Can this take out a tank?
Sergent: Not a chance.
Me: What can they do?
Sergent: Mostly vehicles, helicopters too.
Me: But, what if I was fighting a tank?
Sergent: Call for an air strike
Me: Pretend I'm out of radio connection, what now
Sergent: Listen, if you are up against a tank, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong

 

[cardgame]

Random guys on the internet.

Thinking about getting a mac.

You could just paint your laptop white, you know?

 

[Jarlaxe Baenre]

Random guys on the internet.

But my mac is grey...

 

[cardgame]

really really light grey...

 

[Kullervo]

Heard a little kid with two women.

Woman 1: Listen, can I borrow that acne cream that you had?
Woman 2: Sure.
Little kid: Mommy, why do you need acne cream?
Woman 1: Oh, because I have a little bad skin at the moment...
Little kid: (looks at her in horror) Mommy! Are you hitting puberty?!

 

[Lord of Elves]

"Cats look down on us, dogs look up to us. I like pigs. They treat us as equals." - Winston Churchill

 

[Bobbtjoe]

"These Firecrackers are loud to my eardrums." - My little brother at this years 4th of July.

 

[Kullervo]

One of my older cousins at a party, to... well, me, sadly...

"Holy sh*t... I'm drunk as hell and you're STILL ugly!"

A girl of... loose behaviour, to put it politely, at my school to a random guy.

"Hey, you're hot, want to make out?" (she tries this on everyone, even on people three years younger than her.
"Absolutely, hop on board."

I don't know why I found that so amusing, but I am definitely stealing his response, hopefully I'll get a chance to use it.

 

[Lord of Elves]

"Guns are a gateway weapon to laziness. First it's the Chinese, then the Europeans get a hold of them, then they're everywhere, and suddenly before you even know what happened, everyone is sitting in their bunker with their thermonuclear arsenal and FOX News turned on full blast and their finger on the button."

 

[Dumanios]

Person A: Atleast I'm not a Neo-Nazi.
Person B: What, that isn't a bad thing.
Person C: Yes it is!

 

[carmen510]

"If you don't have electricity by the weekend, email me" -Teacher referring to the recent "tornado" in New York.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

"Poor old Conrad Veidt - he escaped Nazi Germany with his Jewish wife, then spent the rest of his life playing Nazi villains."
- YouTube user NonInflatable