Lord Draegon
Awoken
If you know any please post
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"
Benjamin Franklin
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"
Benjamin Franklin
Funny quotes
- Thread starter Lord Draegon
- Start date
stratego
Trying to be good.
"I can name all the continents, A E I O U."--Jessica Simpson
allhailIndia
Deity
"Allah will roast their stomachs in hell", Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf , Iraqi Info Minister
"A woman is like a plane Blackadder, you get into her five times a day and take her to heaven and back"
Lord Flashhart, in Black Adder goes Forth.
"All foreigners should stop interfering in Iraq"
Paul Wolfowitz, US Dep. Defence Secretary
"A woman is like a plane Blackadder, you get into her five times a day and take her to heaven and back"
Lord Flashhart, in Black Adder goes Forth.
"All foreigners should stop interfering in Iraq"
Paul Wolfowitz, US Dep. Defence Secretary
Lord Draegon
Awoken
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
--Albert Einstein
--Albert Einstein
Nylan
Characters Welcome
"If you see anyone licking their fingers and saying 'No, we do not eat tasty delicious babies' report them to the king"--mrmitchell
Achinz
Hermit of Huangshan
"Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised." - George W Bush
Lord Draegon
Awoken
All of these are by Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.
Lord Draegon
Awoken
Benjamin Franklin
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Most fools think they are only ignorant.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
Mark Twain
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."
"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. "
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Most fools think they are only ignorant.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
Mark Twain
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."
"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. "
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
ybbor
Will not change his avata
"I actually did vote for the $87 billion before i voted against it."- John Kerry
Vancouver 2010
Getting Paid to Code
"I definitely did not eat that delicious, plump, speckled pigeon!" - Blackadder (Blackadder Goes Forth)
Lord Draegon
Awoken
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy Rose
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Arthur Block
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. Franklin P. Jones
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Richard Harkness
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
--George Muncaster (Air Force Wisdom)
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
--Bill Vaughan
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
--Woody Allen
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
--Noelie Altito
I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
--Nancy Reagan, former First Lady
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
--Cheech Marin
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
--Ken Dodd
One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear
--J.B. Morton
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
--Paul Getty
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
--Lisa Claymen
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
--Stan Laurel
One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
--Edgar Watson Howe
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger
--Franklin P. Jones
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
--Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy Rose
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Arthur Block
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. Franklin P. Jones
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Richard Harkness
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
--George Muncaster (Air Force Wisdom)
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
--Bill Vaughan
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
--Woody Allen
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
--Noelie Altito
I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
--Nancy Reagan, former First Lady
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
--Cheech Marin
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
--Ken Dodd
One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear
--J.B. Morton
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
--Paul Getty
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
--Lisa Claymen
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
--Stan Laurel
One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
--Edgar Watson Howe
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger
--Franklin P. Jones
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
--Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
SoCalian
Deity
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2003
- Messages
- 2,901
A few of my friends are compiling a book of quotes form one of my other friends. Here a few of them:
"What I'm gay?"
"No I don't exist, so stop talking to me."
and the one that started it all
"You have to be strong to strum all day, not hopping to accomplish anything, but in the end you go for the food instead."
"What I'm gay?"
"No I don't exist, so stop talking to me."
and the one that started it all
"You have to be strong to strum all day, not hopping to accomplish anything, but in the end you go for the food instead."
Achinz
Hermit of Huangshan
"Tomorrow we start bombing Moscow" - Ronald Reagan
Lord Draegon
Awoken
*A drink a day keeps the shrink away. (Edward Abbey)
*"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." (Douglas Adams)
*"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." (Douglas Adams)
*"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)
*Half of the people in the world are below average. (Anonymous)
*Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. (Anonymous)
*On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)
*Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. (Anonymous)
*"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." (Anonymous)
*Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore .... (Anonymous)
*Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. (Anonymous)
*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Anonymous)
*Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. (Anonymous)
*Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. (Anonymous)
*Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. (Anonymous)
*Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. (Anonymous)
*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)
*If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. (Anonymous)
*Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. (Jim Backus)
*Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}. (Charles Barkley)
*Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)
*Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry)
*All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. (Dave Barry)
*When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry)
*If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Dave Barry)
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it" - Yogi Berra
*"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!" (Yogi Berra)
*Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. (Ambrose Bierce)
*I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)
*The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)
*"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." (Ray Bradbury)
*"The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." (William J. Broad)
*Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. (James Brown)
*I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -A. (Whitney Brown)
*"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." (Douglas Adams)
*"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." (Douglas Adams)
*"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)
*Half of the people in the world are below average. (Anonymous)
*Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. (Anonymous)
*On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)
*Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. (Anonymous)
*"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." (Anonymous)
*Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore .... (Anonymous)
*Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. (Anonymous)
*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Anonymous)
*Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. (Anonymous)
*Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. (Anonymous)
*Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. (Anonymous)
*Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. (Anonymous)
*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)
*If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. (Anonymous)
*Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. (Jim Backus)
*Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}. (Charles Barkley)
*Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)
*Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry)
*All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. (Dave Barry)
*When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry)
*If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Dave Barry)
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it" - Yogi Berra
*"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!" (Yogi Berra)
*Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. (Ambrose Bierce)
*I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)
*The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)
*"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." (Ray Bradbury)
*"The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." (William J. Broad)
*Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. (James Brown)
*I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -A. (Whitney Brown)
Achinz
Hermit of Huangshan
"Men don't make passes at women who wear glasses" - - Ogden Nash
soren
The Existentialist
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2003
- Messages
- 328
Are you talking about me? In that case, I didn't steal anything from anyone, including you. I knew about this quote for years, and it has been floating around, so I might as well say you stole it from whoever. Altimatley, it came from Gershom Scholem, and everybody "stole" it from him.
Achinz
Hermit of Huangshan
"Ten years ago I couldn't make up my mind, now I'm not so sure" -- Graffiti in a university toilet.
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