Jon the Bastard
Warlord
Well hello there everyone! Since my initial thread about the personalities of the CIV V leaders I decided to do another write-up on the DLC CIVS. Now, first of all, I have to apologize to all of you who have been waiting FOREVER for this write-up. I know that by now many of you have contemplated the idea of grabbing your torches and pitchforks, lopping my head off, and displaying it on the nearest castle wall. So, again, please accept my most sincere apologies for the manner in which this write-up is arriving - late.
But, without further ado, here is PART II of "Observations About Leaders in CIV V."
Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon - The Emphysema Stricken - "Why hello there - cough cough - I am the great - cough cough - Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon - hack, cough, hack, hack." And then half a lung is spit up on your face. One of the first things you will notice about ol' Nebuchadnezzar is his voice, which sounds like one of those old Italian women who has done nothing but beat on her husband and smoked cigarettes her entire life - you know... the ones that never die but just shrink out of existence. Nebuchadnezzar is pretty damn grouchy, too. Sometimes, I just want to slap the disapproving look on his face right off. Even when this guy is "friendly" he still looks like he just found out that the Hanging Gardens is suffering from a terrible infestation of... ... ... ... ... ... ducks! But really, rarely ready to open borders, or trade with you for that matter, Nebuchadnezzar, much like The Hermit of Egypt, is an isolationist. He lives in his own little corner of the globe, spamming out enough science to make China blush. In fact, that seems to be the only thing that Nebuchadnezzar ever has going for himself in my games. He strikes me as the kind of guy who drives around with a World of Warcraft case and a copy of Popular Science in his car... yeah, good luck ever getting laid. Nebby never is much of a threat in my games; but, he's always an extremely displeasure to deal with... it's the one thing you can count on with him.
Genghis Khan of Mongolia - The Breeder of Silkworms - Even more confusing than his propensity for sausage ("Hey, you sausage man!" he is famous for saying in his diplomacy screen) is the amazing, breathtaking, awesome, frenetic, tits, hella-in, and down right astonishing amount of ass this guy kicks on a regular basis. It's so impressive that I recently have started to scream out "You've gotta Genghis Khan that S-H-I-T!" when I want someone to annihilate something. The Silkworm Breeder of Mongolia is like a combination of the fearlessness and stupidity of those s who jump across canyons or 8,639 buses, and the audacity and asskicking awesomeness of Morpheus's sunglasses. Now, as I alluded to, Genghis Khan and sometimes be in over his head, but he don't give a . He'll go down in a blaze of glory, rising from the ashes like a phoenix the next game to make you pay with that pathetic little thing of yours that you call a civilization. War! War! War! His silkworms cry out as he rides to the battlefield. But, really, in all seriousness, he's pretty badass and I try to take him out if he is next to me, or, if he makes it past the Renaissance era, I make friends. Because no one is crazy enough to mess with this guy by CHOICE!
Pachacuti of Inca - The Supremely Tanned - Pachacuti runs huge empires... huge. I have yet to play a game with him where he isn't conquering forth or gobbling up as much land as he can in the early game. Because he has so much land and such large cities, his production is very high and his economy is very strong, allowing him to field a huge military if he wants or funnel all of his money into any other "project" he might want to work on instead. Much like Napoleon, as far as I can tell, this guy is legit so I don't have a lot to make fun of him for.
Isabella of Spain - The Pope Mistress - And people have said that CIV V doesn't have enough religion in it! Every time I talk to this lady I have to hear something about how awesome God is, or how God anointed our meeting, or how God answered her prayers and got her tickets to that Yankees game she's been wanting to go to. Not that I have anything against Christianity, but, I think we can all agree that there is a bit of zealotry there. Isabella... oh, where do I begin? First of all, I like you... you're pretty effing sweet. In PART I of this series someone described her as the "little sister that goes to war with you." And he was totally right. Isabella is always starting trouble somewhere and with someone and it is quite fun to go to war with her riding along your side. But, here's the thing... Isabella rarely has an impressive empire... in fact, often times her empire is only 3 to 5 cities large. Of course, she chases natural wonders because of her UA. She splasheth holy water upon thine face, however, and you find that Isabella is actually quite pleasant.
Kamehameha of Polynesia - The Serene - Yeah, he's serene and I really like just staring at his leader background as it is a nice alternative to the frozen tundra of North Dakota, especially this time of year. But, Kamehameha is actually... ... ... ... ... well, he is pretty damn pathetic. You would think that the civilization widely hailed as some of the best seafarers in history would "row, row, row their boats" to another island or land mass and begin to settle there; but, no. Kamehameha seems to have missed the memo sent out at the inception of life on this planet: If you want to be badass and to have an awesome civilization with 36 water parks, nukes, shopping centers, 36 iron and enough sugar to fuel an entire army's worth of 3rd graders, YOU HAVE TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE CITY!!!! I have played four games now where Kamehameha has been on the map and only in one of them did he have more than one city... in that game he had three cities... ... ... ... ... ... ... which were promptly taken from him by Pachacuti barely into the Medieval era. He just doesn't seem to get it. Don't get me wrong, it is actually really fun to play as Kamehameha. But, the AI just doesn't seem to know what the hell to do with him. It's a shame really, because he's a nice guy. I am pretty sure if he asked me for a city, I'd give it to him - either because he asked really, really, really, nice or because I felt sorry for him.
Thanks for reading everyone, I appreciate it! Take care and play on!
But, without further ado, here is PART II of "Observations About Leaders in CIV V."
Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon - The Emphysema Stricken - "Why hello there - cough cough - I am the great - cough cough - Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon - hack, cough, hack, hack." And then half a lung is spit up on your face. One of the first things you will notice about ol' Nebuchadnezzar is his voice, which sounds like one of those old Italian women who has done nothing but beat on her husband and smoked cigarettes her entire life - you know... the ones that never die but just shrink out of existence. Nebuchadnezzar is pretty damn grouchy, too. Sometimes, I just want to slap the disapproving look on his face right off. Even when this guy is "friendly" he still looks like he just found out that the Hanging Gardens is suffering from a terrible infestation of... ... ... ... ... ... ducks! But really, rarely ready to open borders, or trade with you for that matter, Nebuchadnezzar, much like The Hermit of Egypt, is an isolationist. He lives in his own little corner of the globe, spamming out enough science to make China blush. In fact, that seems to be the only thing that Nebuchadnezzar ever has going for himself in my games. He strikes me as the kind of guy who drives around with a World of Warcraft case and a copy of Popular Science in his car... yeah, good luck ever getting laid. Nebby never is much of a threat in my games; but, he's always an extremely displeasure to deal with... it's the one thing you can count on with him.
Genghis Khan of Mongolia - The Breeder of Silkworms - Even more confusing than his propensity for sausage ("Hey, you sausage man!" he is famous for saying in his diplomacy screen) is the amazing, breathtaking, awesome, frenetic, tits, hella-in, and down right astonishing amount of ass this guy kicks on a regular basis. It's so impressive that I recently have started to scream out "You've gotta Genghis Khan that S-H-I-T!" when I want someone to annihilate something. The Silkworm Breeder of Mongolia is like a combination of the fearlessness and stupidity of those s who jump across canyons or 8,639 buses, and the audacity and asskicking awesomeness of Morpheus's sunglasses. Now, as I alluded to, Genghis Khan and sometimes be in over his head, but he don't give a . He'll go down in a blaze of glory, rising from the ashes like a phoenix the next game to make you pay with that pathetic little thing of yours that you call a civilization. War! War! War! His silkworms cry out as he rides to the battlefield. But, really, in all seriousness, he's pretty badass and I try to take him out if he is next to me, or, if he makes it past the Renaissance era, I make friends. Because no one is crazy enough to mess with this guy by CHOICE!
Pachacuti of Inca - The Supremely Tanned - Pachacuti runs huge empires... huge. I have yet to play a game with him where he isn't conquering forth or gobbling up as much land as he can in the early game. Because he has so much land and such large cities, his production is very high and his economy is very strong, allowing him to field a huge military if he wants or funnel all of his money into any other "project" he might want to work on instead. Much like Napoleon, as far as I can tell, this guy is legit so I don't have a lot to make fun of him for.
Isabella of Spain - The Pope Mistress - And people have said that CIV V doesn't have enough religion in it! Every time I talk to this lady I have to hear something about how awesome God is, or how God anointed our meeting, or how God answered her prayers and got her tickets to that Yankees game she's been wanting to go to. Not that I have anything against Christianity, but, I think we can all agree that there is a bit of zealotry there. Isabella... oh, where do I begin? First of all, I like you... you're pretty effing sweet. In PART I of this series someone described her as the "little sister that goes to war with you." And he was totally right. Isabella is always starting trouble somewhere and with someone and it is quite fun to go to war with her riding along your side. But, here's the thing... Isabella rarely has an impressive empire... in fact, often times her empire is only 3 to 5 cities large. Of course, she chases natural wonders because of her UA. She splasheth holy water upon thine face, however, and you find that Isabella is actually quite pleasant.
Kamehameha of Polynesia - The Serene - Yeah, he's serene and I really like just staring at his leader background as it is a nice alternative to the frozen tundra of North Dakota, especially this time of year. But, Kamehameha is actually... ... ... ... ... well, he is pretty damn pathetic. You would think that the civilization widely hailed as some of the best seafarers in history would "row, row, row their boats" to another island or land mass and begin to settle there; but, no. Kamehameha seems to have missed the memo sent out at the inception of life on this planet: If you want to be badass and to have an awesome civilization with 36 water parks, nukes, shopping centers, 36 iron and enough sugar to fuel an entire army's worth of 3rd graders, YOU HAVE TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE CITY!!!! I have played four games now where Kamehameha has been on the map and only in one of them did he have more than one city... in that game he had three cities... ... ... ... ... ... ... which were promptly taken from him by Pachacuti barely into the Medieval era. He just doesn't seem to get it. Don't get me wrong, it is actually really fun to play as Kamehameha. But, the AI just doesn't seem to know what the hell to do with him. It's a shame really, because he's a nice guy. I am pretty sure if he asked me for a city, I'd give it to him - either because he asked really, really, really, nice or because I felt sorry for him.
Thanks for reading everyone, I appreciate it! Take care and play on!
