Gigamesh's Court

[Flouzemaker]

940 AD



Hey! What a pleasant surprise!
Isn't it?
I completely forgot we were building this!
Probably because it took so long to build.
I suppose that might be-


What the hell is this? Hello? Nothing is moving! I... the sound is gone!
The game has crashed, Gilgamesh.
Did you do this?
In a certain way, I suppose you could say that.
Nice going, pal! I was doing great so far. What do I now?
Restart your computer and reload your latest save.
Great. Just great. This didn't happen before I got BTS, you know. Here's to you patching things up yesterday, huh? Thank God I saved only seconds ago. But restarting will take forever. It'll want to do an HD check and stuff, and it takes an eternity!
When was the last time you went outside? Do you even remember what your girlfriend's name is?
What?
Have you eaten recently?
Come to think of it, a pizza would do wonders for me just about now. I suppose I could do that while I reboot and reload.
That's the spirit. I do what I can to help.
Just make sure you don't help me too often, then.




..... to be continued.....

 

[50_dollar_bag]

HAHAHA This is awesome.
I especially like the Sid Meier thing.
Brilliant.

 

[Rex rgis of Ter]

Awesome Story!
Does this last installment mean there will be a long wait for the next chapter?

 

[Tiepolo]

Just gets better and better.

 

[Flouzemaker]

Thanks for taking the time to read it, guys!





940 AD



Hey! What a pleasant event that's not very surprising anymore.
Isn't it?
I totally remember that we were building this.
Probably because it took so long to build. Seeing it slowly progress turn after turn after turn...
I suppose that might be so, but I suspect another reason.
We could have built it much, much faster had we used the know-how of Isamb-
Hey what's our science at, now?
Much better than it was, sire. We now produce 161 Beakers every turn. It's not bad per say, but your Hall of Fame says you've also managed much better on numerous occasions. We could do better if you put any thought as to exactly how we work the land. What we have here is an economy built on a little bit of everything, it seems.
Boring! Who wants to spend time thinking when we can act?

Even if it's acting like a buffoon.
I will not confirm that you read my mind, sire.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1010 AD
A missionary carrying Caravel approaches the Aztec coast and the Visual Phone rings.



I am “pleased” to meet you, Gilgamesh! Let us each slaughter fifty thousand slaves to “celebrate” this “auspicious” occasion.
I can see you making those quote gestures when you speak to me, Montezuma. This is a visual phone, after all.
Oh.
And I can think of more useful things to do with fifty thousand slaves that just slaughtering them. What the hell is wrong with you?
It would please the Gods tremendously, of course!
Really? Buddhism sure has changed, it seems.
I WILL wage war on you, Gilgamesh. But meanwhile, do you strive for “peace?”
Yes.
“Good.”
I can still see you gesticulating! Our communication device doesn't become any less visual over time!
Dr. Scully warned me about your elaborate webs of lies. Your words are trite!
What? Who's Dr. Scully? Please don't tell me it's the little skull trying to camouflage itself in the bush of feathers atop your noggin'.
He sure is!
OK... Well, I can't take much more of this, so I will just end our very constructive conversation right here.
Watch out for the Field of Voices! They scream “Tumor” under the full moon!
Goodbye, Montezuma.


How “special” was that?
It appears my sources were unanimously correct about Montezuma's mental health, sire.
Taking advice from an inanimate object sure explains a lot, though.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1020 AD

The tide has turned in the Mongolia-Egypt war, my lord.
Really?
Ramesses reclaimed Memphis a while ago, and now, he has seized control of Old Sarai.
Huh! And here I thought she'd get her unshapely hind quarters readily whooped!
Anything can happen in the wonderful civilization universe, my lord.
Well, thanks for keeping me informed on that one!


1030 AD

Hello? Sumerian Publishings now sell a new book called “Hairy Hoofer Stones a Philosopher to Death.” Interested in a purchase?
I am, Gilgamesh, but not that one.
Then how can I help you, Kublai Khan?
I've had a hard time keeping the Egyptian cities I liberate in the past, mostly due to some cultural issues. Theaters would greatly help me in that regard. Perhaps you can spare this wuss-like Drama technology of yours for in exchange for the virile Mongolian knowledge of Horseback Riding?
Isn't that beastiality?
We don't ride them that way, Gilgamesh. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if the despicable Egyptians did. What if I add 60 gold?
You've got a deal, Kublai!
I'm delighted that your friendly yet weak civilization serves a purpose.
No problem. I'm cheering for you in that little war you got going, dude.
So why don't you help?
Good question, but check this out. I can put twelve saltines in my mouth and still whistle my own diplomatic music!
Forget I ever asked, Gilgamesh!
Now, THAT I can do!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1040 AD

What do you want, Willem?
You probably noticed that I generously taught the savage people of Uruk the virtues of Confucianism, did you not?
You did? Oh yeah... lookit that!
So?

What are you waiting for?
What the hell are you talking about?
Convert to Confucianism. I need some kind of ally, somewhere.
Have you lost your marbles? You want me to convert over ONE city? The Holy Cuneiform Bible brings joy to all my people!
Joy is naught but a figment of your imagination. It only dupes the weak-minded into apathy as the harsh realities of the world prepare to sneak up on them. In essence, might as well convert to Confucianism.
Listen, buddy. Amsterdam and Rotterdam are Christian. Why don't YOU convert?
No. YOU convert.
No YOU!
You infinity!
Alright, this is pointless and childish, Willem. Drop the matter and have a miserably depressing existance.
Thank you.


M'lord, Mao Zedong of the Chinese has declared war on Joao II of Portugal.
Did he, now. It's a shame Christian brothers should bicker like this. On the upside, this ties up all of my closest neighbors in wars of their own. But Kublai Khans's dislike of Ramesses made that war predictable, but this? What could cause Mao to do this?
My sources tell me Mao has a reputation for waging the war most profitable to him, even if it's against someone he likes.
Mao Zedong is not the only one to have that reputation in the world, my lord. You should keep this in mind as you bolster our defenses (-please?-).

 

[Flouzemaker]

1060 AD

GILGAMESH!
Gh-nyes?
Check this out:



Interesting. An outlandish wedding gift only goes for 71 gold nowadays? My, that's petty change! Let's do it! We'll announce a national celebration!
Congratulations, sire. Your decision greatly improved our relations with Mongolia, as most of the world sees you as a friendly and weak suck-up. Ramesses and Montezuma just think you're weak.
Well, they're both stupid anyways. In fact, I think I'll slowly begin building some offensive forces to grab the Holy City of Tenochtitlan as my own.
Really?
Totally. After we learn the secret of Education, we'll go for Liberalism and hope we're the first to get there.
I think our chances are good, sire.
Excellent. That should give us knowledge of Astronomy. We'll get to Aztec territory with galleons while Montezuma will have to sail near-inifinite distances to land his pitiful galleys on our shores.
That's almost clever, my lord.
What if Ethiopia has won enough to make Montezuma his vassal by then?
We'll see when we get there.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1080 AD



Another Wonder of the World has been erected in Uruk, divine-leader!
Groovy!
We were building that?
Well, we had nothing else to do in Uruk.
We could have built countless legions of troops!
We can do that now.
Good.
Right after we build an University.
How delightful, sire!

Oops! Incoming call.


Uruk University of Higher Learning, do you want to apply?
Not at the moment, Gilgamesh, I'm busy. However, if you send Philosophy my way, I'll think about it.
You may be cute, you're not that cute! Philosophy is still a pretty valuable technology, Mao.
But everyone knows you're a suck-up! Suck away, Gilgamesh, suck away!
You're not getting it, Mao. I'll go suck elsewhere if it pleases you.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1090 AD

M'lord, Joao II has razed the Chinese city of Xian.
Serves Mao right, uppity little pest!
Well, turns out that it was a bad idea, my lord.
Really.
Having seen their lands destroyed, a resistance of Chinese origin has taken arms near Evora. That event may turn the tides of war in the north.
My friend, I've been listening to you and I know one thing.
What's that?
Sumeria doesn't care.


1150 AD

Sire! We are the first Civilization to discover Liberalism! We get a free tech! We get a free tech!
Interesting. Based on that logic, will we lose a technology when we become the first to discover Conservatism?
Errr... I don't think there is such a thing, sire.
Nevermind me, I digress! Let's build some Universities, Observatories, Offensive troops and a few Galleons. Execution!
Sire. I've looked a the Trade Screen, and for the first time in the game, other civilizations have made some of their technology “available” to us.
I'll get right on it!

Dials on the Visual Phone

Wat wilt u dit keer, Gilgamesh?
What would you give me for Compass, my gothic little friend?
How about Code of Laws, 20 gold, and my World Map?
~sigh~ Alright. That'll do. Thanks!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Dials again

Sim? Oh. Fale rapidamente, Gilgamesh, mim são ocupado.
What do you want for that Feudalism of yours, pal?
From what you got? How about Compass, Drama and, say... 25 gold?
Deal! Thanks!


1160 AD
The Visual Phone Rings

Madam Gilga's Esoteric Astrology?
Gilgamesh? I forgot to mention, in that last deal... you were supposed to give me some of your fur.
No I wasn't.
But the working ladies of Amsterdam are getting cold this winter!
Oh. In that case, they certainly shouldn't freeze. Have some, I can't seem to trade it to anyone anyways. Just remind me to cancel this deal in ten turns, Willem.
Of course I will! ~chuckles~ I am content with that arrangement.
You can go away, now.


1180 AD
The Visual Phone Rings again

I can see Uranus from here, what can you see?
Hopefully a friend, Gilgamesh.
You're buttering me up for something. What do you want?
You, Gilgamesh, have been selected to win this century's grand prize draw!
Exciting! What's the prize?
War with Mao Zedong!
I don't claim it! I don't claim it!
That's alright, I didn't expect you would. Buddies?
Buddies. Adeus, Joao!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Divine-leader!
Yes, what is it?
Eridu has become the birthplace of an ambitious Great Engineer named William T. G. Morton!
Awesome! Where is he?
Right next to Isambard Kingdom Brunel.
Who?
The other Great Engineer that we got 460 years ago.
Oh, right... that guy. I forgot about him.
No kidding.
What Wonders can we have him build?
None at the moment, divine-leader.
Well. We'll research Divine Right at the next opportunity, then. Hold on. Let me get this call. Hello?
Greetings, insignificant little rat!
Oh, hey there. I wanted to tell you that I really didn't-
Stop trading with Kublai Khan this instant or shut it!

I'm waiting.
I was shutting it. Wasn't it obvious?
Fine. Be that way.
Leave me alone, then. Goodbye. I've got a call waiting.

 

[Flouzemaker]

Hey my puny little friend! How are you?
Greetings, my dear pinheaded neighbor! What's on your mind?
Let's wage war on Egypt together, like old times!
What do you mean, like old times? We never attacked Egypt together!
But in a few centuries, we'll be able to drink together and remember all the good times we had at Ramesses' expense!
Thanks but no thanks, Kublai. I'm busy with other plans, here. I'm reforming my educational system, slowly converting France to our faith and stuff. Wait, I've gotta go, there's someone on the other line. -

Hello?
Wage war on Portugal with me and you'll get your own little red book for free!
Is that all you guys think about?
War is a pretty time consuming affair, Gilgamesh. You should try it sometime. How about now, against Portugal?
Just like you, Joao is my friend.
Impossible! Joao has proven himself to be trustworthy and amiable.
That's why he's my friend!
Really? We must have different criteria, then.
Listen, buddy. I've got to go, there's somebody else on the other line. Goodbye!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Who's on the other line?
No one. But they all bought the excuse, didn't they? Listen. As things heat up between all our neighbors. I want to seriously plan an invasion on the Aztecs, OK? How many Galleons have we completed in Lagash?
We almost have one, my lord.
Have Eridu build me some artillery, then. You never get far without artillery.
Right away, my lord!




The STATE OF THE WORLD IN 1200 AD!!!

Score: 1437 – Gilgamesh of Sumeria, Christian.
With the Oracle, the Pyramids, the Hanging Gardens, the Hagia Sophia, the Great Library, The Parthenon, Angkor Wat, The University of Sankore, and two Great Engineers ready to build more wonders, we're in great cultural shape, divine-leader!
Our economy is stellar and we seem to have moved at the head of the pack in terms of Technology.
Overall, our diplomatic relations are good, sire. Only Montezuma and Ramesses dislike us, and they become less relevant with every passing turn.
The size of our army is pathetic. We are considered weaklings by one and all as we offer, year after year, a beautiful target for any Civilization looking for easy pickings. Only the fact that we are slowly starting to rebuild our army and that our neighbors are busy warring amongst themselves still give me a tiny bit of hope for our future.

Score: 1087 – Louis XIV of France, Hindu.
He has The Great Wall, the Temple of Artemis and the Shwedagon Paya, but can't truly compete with our own Sumerian culture.
Louis is not as scientifically advanced as he could be. I believe he shall discover Music in about eight turns.
Our diplomatic relations are good, and they'll soon be better as we only need to introduce Christianity into one more of his cities to have him convert to our faith.
France is at war with no one, yet has by far the world's most powerful army. Unfortunately, Louis seems pleased with absolutely everyone. Well, except for Montezuma. Hopefully he'll use his forces against the latter. Or his close neighbors Willem and Ramesses. At any rate, should he choose to attack us, we'll have no choice but to make prolific use of the “F” bomb. Because that's what we'd be, right now.


Score: 967 – Willem van Oranje of the Netherlands, Confucian.
Somehow, The Hague, home to the Taoist and Confucian shrines, is the world's most cultured city. Willem would be well positioned to win culturally as Amsterdam is pretty good thanks to the Colossus. However, Rotterdam has dreadfully low culture, so that probably won't be an option for him.
Willem is our closest competitor in terms of Science. He should discover Divine Right in about four turns. Unfortunately for him, WE shall discover Divine Right in three turns. I love it when that happens, sire.
Willem likes just about everyone, and vice-versa. Excluding Montezuma. In fact, Willem very much despises the Aztecs.
By the size of his army, I'd say Willem has all he needs to successfully defend his territory, but not enough to seriously invade anyone else. Except us, considering you'd only need three scouts to do us in.

 

[Flouzemaker]

Score: 921 – Kublai Khan of Mongolia, Christian.
Culturally, Mongolia is fairly pathetic in the shadow of our own cultural Empire. They have the Statue of Zeus, but it ends there.
Scientifically, Kublai Khan is pretty competitive and keeps up nicely with the Dutch.
Kublai has adequate or better relations with everyone except Ramesses II. They are at war, obviously.
Kublai has a larger military than Ramesses, yet he doesn't seem to gain anything from his ongoing war with Egypt. At least, that war keeps him busy enough to forget about our own wimpiness. Their war has made lieu to one Great General that we know of.


Score: 894 – Joao II of Portugal, Christian.
Joao II has Chichen Itza, but that's it. Overall, his culture certainly cannot compete with ours.
Portugal is a bit lacking Science-wise, but they're not hopeless or completely out of the loop.
Joao has befriended everyone except Mao Zedong and, of course, Montezuma.
Portugal's forces are superior to China's, but by a very small difference. That is why their own war has been essentially at a standstill since the razing of Xian.


Score: 894 – Mao Zedong of China, Christian.
Mao Zedong has contributed absolutely nothing to humankind. His nation's culture is pathetic.
Mao is doing an adequate job with his Science. Like his enemy, he's not out of the loop either.
China counts ourselves, Mongolia and France as it's only friends. Wait... Mao also seems to be the only leader in the world to be pleased with Montezuma. Unbelievable!
Mao Zedong defends himself well, and his army is almost equal in power to his enemy's, Joao.


Score: 589 – Ramesses II of Egypt, Hindu.
The founder of Hinduism and builder of the Great Lighthouse could have become a cultural threat had Kublai Khan not declared war on him. With different priorities in mind, Egypt has no hope of a cultural victory.
Scientifically, Egypt is not very impressive.
Ramesses is a popular figure in France, Portugal and the Netherlands, but that's all. Obviously, he's at war with Kublai Khan.
Let's give credit where credit is due, Ramesses has done an admirable job of surviving and counter-attacking Kublai Khan. He has even been rewarded with a Great General for his efforts. In his case, it's not the size of the army that counts, it's what he does with it.


Score: 397 – Montezuma of the Aztecs, Buddhist.
Culture? What culture?
If the universe was a school, Montezuma would be in the “special needs” class.
By all accounts, Montezuma is in dire need of psychological help. He has managed to successfully anger everyone except Mao Zedong. For some reason, he himself also likes Louis and Kublai Khan.
As you can tell by his score, Montezuma isn't faring too well in his war against Ethiopia. He has essentially become an irrelevant figurehead.

 

[Flouzemaker]

Score: Unknown – Zara Yaqob of Ethiopia, probably Buddhist.
As we have not made contact, we know next to nothing of Ethiopia and its King.
What we do know, is that Zara Yaqob currently has Stonehenge, the Mausoleum of Maussollos and control of the Buddhist Holy City of Tenochtitlan.
By the looks of things, my lord, I strongly suspect that Montezuma is Ethiopia's Vassal.




1230 AD



WOOT! Guys, you have to remind me to call Willem and make fun of him!
Certainly, divine-leader. But not only have we founded Islam in Kish, the Great Prophet Mo Tzu has been born there.
Make him go to Eridu to build the Temple of Sol – Hold on, I have a call. Yes, what is it?
Greetings, Gilgamesh.
Well speak of the devil, huh?
Speak of who? Are you pointing at me?
Yes. And now: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hee! Hee!
What are you doing?
Something I promised myself I would do. By what motive am I honored by your presence?
I want Education, and you want Civil Service. So let's trade, one on one.
~Sputter!~ Come ON, Willem! Be realistic, here. How about... Optics and Divine Right for Civil Service and 30 gold?
Alright. That will do.
Excellent! You were getting Divine Right by yourself next turn anyways, so that's an excellent trade indeed!
But we'll see who's laughing when I build the Spiral Minaret!
~Chuckles~ Sure, Willem, sure. Bye!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1260 AD



Divine-leader. Mo-Tzu has created the Temple of Solomon, and Isambard Kingdom Brunel, The Spiral Minaret!
Yessss!
But... you know... out of the two... let's just say I would have selected a different screen shot.
I tried taking one of the Minaret, but it didn't work, for some reason.


1280 AD
The Visual Phone Rings



Hail to you, Gilgamesh. I am Zara Yaqob, ruler of the god-fearing Ethiopian people! May the friendship between our two great civilizations last until we are much, much larger than you! Which will be soon.
Zara! You... you... look like a normal human being!
Surprised? Is that a race thing? I am not going there, totally not going there.
What? No, no, you misunderstand me, Zara. I ain't touching the race thing with sterilized latex gloves, dude! It's just that, well, they say I look like a goat, Mao looks like a mushroom, the circumference of Joao's hat is larger than the Earth's, Louis has a wig-wearing Moai Statue on his neck, Kublai Khan looks like some kind of pincushion, and Willem looks like an undead clown. And I haven't even mentioned Montezuma yet!
Don't waste your time mentioning my vassal.
He's your vassal? Dang it!
And make sure you leave him be. He entertains me.
But I was preparing an invasion force and everything. I even built artillery and will have Gunpowder soon!
Impressive technology. But my sisters say your troops are much, much smaller than mine.
Ah Ha! But your troops are all outdated. You're technologically backwards, Zara. Here, let there be peace in our time.
Alright.
And have Aesthetics too, you lucky you!
OOH! Pretty! Thank you! You're a good man, Gilgamesh, a very good man!
I know, everybody (that matters) loves me. Goodbye!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1300 AD



I have founded Nibru, guys!
Why?
What else was I gonna do?
How about build more than just three Trebuchets? What are we supposed to defend the country with, my lord?
Relax, guy. Those who don't like us are busy elsewhere. We're in absolutely no danger at all. Besides, we'll have a few musketmen on the way soon.


1330 AD



I have founded Bad-Tibira, guys!
Why would you even do that, divine-leader? It brings no new resources and even in 700 years it will still suck!
I don't know. Maybe we can make a few gulags in there or something.
1330 AD and you guard it with a Warrior. What a proud moment THIS is, my lord.
As I said, musketmen are on the way, so get off your high horses! Your paranoia is unsettling.


1380 AD

Sire? Louis XIV has completed the Sistine Chapel.
Good for him. I'll send him a polite congratulatory note.
And, having done that, he took the time to adopt Free Religion.
What?? Why that sly [BLEEP]! Why the hell would he do that?? Huh?
All of his cities were Christian, but almost all of them also had Taoism, Confucianism, and Hinduism. Converting to Free Religion gives all of those cities a +4 happiness modifier.
Wow. That's a lot of happiness. Why would anyone need that much happiness?
Because war weariness is a great hindrance in warfare, my lord. And Louis has the world's largest army. He's undoubtedly going to attack someone. I still pray daily that it might be Willem.
Interesting food for thought. Good thing there's such a great distance between our Empires, huh?

 

[Flouzemaker]

1400 AD
The Visual Phone rings




Soon my numberless minions shall destroy you all!
What?
I declare war on you. Pitchez la vache!
What the hell is this, Louis? [BLEEP]! God [BLEEP] this [BLEEP]! We were frikkin' buddies, man!
Since when does that have anything to do with anything, Gilgamesh?
You giant-headed [BLEEP]face!
Now, now, there's no need to take this personally, Gilgamesh. Stop whining like a baby and say: “So be it.”
No!
Why not? It is the custom.
Because I know you won't answer my calls after I hang up this time, and I'm not done insulting you.
Be mature about this, Gilgamesh. I like you and all that, but you're running away with an easy Cultural victory at this point. Someone had to stop you!
Your mother [BLEEPS] with goats! I know because I was with her last night!
Stop this childishness!
You're a [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP]er that [BLEEP]s on a daily basis!
And I fart in your general direction!
SO BE IT, [BLEEP]er!


My lord? I hate to say I told you so but... I TOLD YOU SO!! I've been warning you about this for well over a THOUSAND years, my lord. Time after time, you've ignored my counsel and look where we are. Look! We'll go down in flames so fast Dan Quail will look like genius! The French have the world's largest army, my lord, THE LARGEST! Who knows how many Stacks of Doom are making their way towards Sumeria as we speak. And what do we defend ourselves with? A Knight named Jack and a Musketman called Squat! Jack Squat!
Come on, guy. We can make it, we HAVE to! We have three Musketmen, two Knights, Three Trebuchet and a handful of outdated units!
As I said, my lord. It's time to take out the F bomb out of storage because that's what we are. [Bleep]ed.




..... to be continued .....