Historical Joke Thread

[vikingruler]

an irish represneatative in the parliment and Prime Minister wellington are talking. wellington says something nasty about his native ireland. irish guy says, "sir, how could say such a thing, you were born in Ireland". wellington responds, "if a boy is born in a stable does that make him a horse?". the irish guy says, "no sir, but it does make him an ass".

 

[SeleucusNicator]

Nixon calls Brezhnev and tells him he has a new super-powerful computer that can predict the future. Brezhnev is skeptical, and asks "If the computer is so powerful, can it tell me the names of the Politburo in 2000?"

Nixon goes silent for a few minutes. Finally, Brezhnev taunts him: "So, your computer is not so powerful at all. It can't answer my question."

Nixon replies "No, it gave me the answer immediately. But I can't read Chinese."

(another joke on how the Soviets viewed China as a threat)

Then there's my personal favorite:

Carter invites Brezhnev to the Washington and gives him a tour of the White House. Near the end of the tour, Carter leads him into a small room with a button. "Press the button," Carter says. Brezhnev presses it, and immediately a mechanical arm pops out of the wall and throws a pie at his face. "An American joke!", Carter says.

Later that year, Brezhnev invites Carter to the Kremlin and gives him a tour. Near the end of the tour, Brezhnev leads Carter into a small room with a button. "Press the button," Brezhnev says. Carter presses it, and nothing seems to happen. "Russian joke!", Brezhnev explains. Carter says "You call that a joke? Nothing happened. You want a joke? In New York, we have this comedian who..."

Brezhnev cuts him off. "New York no longer exists."

 

[nonconformist]

Carter: In the US, you can freely stand outside the Whitehouse, and shout 'Carter is a moron'
Brezhnev: So? In soviet Union you can also freely sthout 'Carter is a moron'

Did you hear about Volodya getting 20 years in Siberia for shouting 'Brezhnev is a moron'?
He got a year for libel, and nineteen years for releasing state secrets!


A real anecdote (I think)
Molotov is visiting Germany in the days before the Great Patriotic War.
he is talking to Ribbentropp, when the sirens go off, and they take refuge in an air raid shelter.
Ribentropp mentions how Germnay is winning the war.
"If you are winning the war" says Molotov "then who is bombing us, and why is it us in the air raid shelter?"

 

[SeleucusNicator]

Ah, speaking of Nazi/Soviet relations, a favorite practical joke of Stalin's between 1933 and 1939 was, when any German representatives came, seating them next to Jews at dinner parties. He loved to see those Nazis squirm.

 

[Xen]

Ah, speaking of Nazi/Soviet relations, a favorite practical joke of Stalin's between 1933 and 1939 was, when any German representatives came, seating them next to Jews at dinner parties. He loved to see those Nazis squirm.

 

[soul_warrior]

great stuff here

and yet another famous, thin book "French Military Victories in Post Napoleon Era"

 

[Xen]

How many Nazis dose it take to screw it light bulb?


1.6million and 1.

1 to screw in the lightbulb, 1.6 million to invade poland.

 

[Serutan]

It is the end of the war. Germany lies in ruins, its soldiers being led away to prison camps.
Stuck between the American and the Russian lines, is a company of experienced German soldiers. Their officer calls a meeting.
"Soldiers" he says "We have fought long and hard.ssians to the East, the Americans to the West.
My soldiers, I see no choice but to attack, and die heroically, for our honour!
But, my noble knights, I leave it to you to decide our fate, as I am proud to have served with you".
Everything is quiet.
Suddenly a solitary voice pipes up from the back.
"So you're asking us whether to attack the Americans or Russians?"
"Indeed"
"The Americans then" the voice pipes back "After all; business before pleasure".

I heard a similar version of this one :

A Pole was asked : If your country was attacked by Germany and Russia
simultaneously, which would you fight first?

Pole : Germany, the Russia.
Questioner : Why?
Pole : Business before pleasure.

 

[Verbose]

great stuff here

and yet another famous, thin book "French Military Victories in Post Napoleon Era"

Somewhere in the vicinity of the Norwegian joke about the brevity of the book "Swedish Heroes".

Tells you more about the joker really.

 

[nonconformist]

From Downfall

The setting: Berlin, 1945. Berlin has been reduced literally to rubble by the Red army.

"Berlin is a city of warehouses. You always hear 'Where's my house? Where's my house?'"

 

[Adler17]

That joke I heart a bit similar after Gulf war 2 (1991):
Wo sind die meisten Warenhäuser? In Bagdad. Da waren die meisten Häuser mal Häuser.

Where are the most warehouses. In Baghdad. There were once many houses a house.

Not a top scoring joke.

Adler

 

[thetrooper]

More from Bagdad:

Fastest way to end an Iraqi bingo game?

Spoiler :

Call B52

Yeah - I know it's poor taste.

 

[Riesstiu IV]

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.

"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"

Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, mein Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."

Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."

 

[Phyr_Negator]

Bush:"Lately I receaved 4 000 000 letters with one question - "What for our boys dying in Iraq"... I think it's a spam."

Nixon and Brezhnev once exchanged with their secretaries. After a week they wrote to homeland.
"That Brezhnev is awful! Every day he forces me to longer my skirt by 1cm! Soon my beautiful legs will be all covered!!!"
"That Nixon worries me. Every day he forces me to shorten my skirt by 1cm. Soon he can spot my balls and holster."

Vietnam War. American Commandos recoon for vietnamiese rebels' supply path. Several missions sucseeded adn they are on another... Returning to base all beaten and in scratches.
"What happened?"
"We engaged with some strange vietnameese. They discovered us strangely fast. And we were something strange about that party.
They sweared in russian and kicked us only with boots."
"Why boots?"
"They used their arms to tighten their eyes."

"Dear Bush. Dangerous terrorist Usama Bin Laden now residing with my mother-in-law(Taliban member since 1990). I'm having heavy engagements with them(adress on the back side). Asking for fire support and precision airstrike."

Modern businessmen arriving to old polish village and moving to old granny.
"Good woman, do you remember how in 1940 you helped little jewish boy, who was hunted by nazis? You covered him until end of war, sharing all food and household with poor boy. So that was me!"
"Yes, yes, I remember you."
"Well, you forgot to return my fur coat back then."

Russian officer integorrating german POW.
"Wie deinen Namen"(What is your name)
"Mich rufen Jan"(My name is Jan)
Officer hits his jaw with all strengh.
"Wie deinen Namen!!!"
(in shock)"Mich rufen Jan!"
Another strong hit.
"Wie deinen Namen!!!"
(crying)"Mich rufen Jan, JAAAN!!!"
"I'M ASKING HOW MANY TANKS YOU GOT, FU**ER!!!"

Partisan diary:
Monday: Driven germans put of forester lodge.
Tuesday: Germans driven us out of forester lodge.
Wednesday: Again we captured forester lodge.
Thursday: Germans recaptured forester lodge.
Friday: A forester came and driven everyone out.

 

[PrinceOfLeigh]

An excellent thread. I once read that Laughter is the Totalitarian Cancer, sure to bring Dictators down quicker than any armed Revolution.

 

[Dreadnought]

Russian officer integorrating german POW.
"Wie deinen Namen"(What is your name)
"Mich rufen Jan"(My name is Jan)
Officer hits his jaw with all strengh.
"Wie deinen Namen!!!"
(in shock)"Mich rufen Jan!"
Another strong hit.
"Wie deinen Namen!!!"
(crying)"Mich rufen Jan, JAAAN!!!"
"I'M ASKING HOW MANY TANKS YOU GOT, FU**ER!!!"

I don't get it.

 

[RegentMan]

I think the Russian doesn't know how to speak German, so he's saying a common German phrase, thinking the prisoner will understand. It's like someone saying "Oui" when asked if one speaks French when one doesn't.

 

[Adler17]

A remark on that joke:
It must be "Ich heiße Jan" or "Mein Name ist Jan". "Wie ist Dein Name" is the correct version of the question however this can be still so bad since this is a Russian speaking who does not (obviously) not know the German language. However bad joke.

Another quotes by Frederick the Great:
A Major asked once about permission to merry a fourth time. Frederick´s reply: "From now on the major can merry so many times as he wishes."

On a decision against a soldier, which damned him to pay 2000 Rthl. (Reichsthaler):
"Before I confirm this actual sentence, I am very curious to get to know the means you want tzo take to let a soldier pay 2000 Rthl."

About a question of a mayor how to punish a man who took God´s, Frederick´s and the municipal authorities´ name in vain:
"That the arrestant blasphemed God is a prove he doesn´t know him; that he took my name in vain I forgive him, but that he took such a noble municipal authorities in vain, therefore he shall be punished exemplarily and send to Spandau prison for half an hour."

On a sentence against a catholic soldier, who had stolen the money of a church and defended himself at the trial, the holy virgin donated him the money:
"The alleged criminal is to be acquitted, because he continues to deny the theft and because of a declaration of the priests of his church that this kind of wonder is not impossible. But for the future I forbid him under strong punishment nothing to take from the Holy Virgin or any other saint."

Well, in dubio pro reo. But I don´t think he would have been acquitted now...

Adler

 

[LouLong]

Can be bad taste for US citizens as it refers to very recent history so please skip it if you fear you might not like it and please don't take it bad as that is not its aim.




Ben Laden, hunted by US troops in Afghanistan, decides to call Bush.
Ben Laden : "George, it is me. I have a good piece of news and a bad piece of news for you.
George : yes, tell me !
Ben Laden : the good news is you win and I surrender. I will come to New York to surrender to you.
George : Great ! And what's the bad news ?
Ben Laden : Well,.... I am coming by plane..."

 

[PrinceOfLeigh]

I know they are technically quotes from Churchill but I thought them quite funny none-the-less.

Speaking to Lady Nancy at a formal dinner:
Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
Bernard Shaw: “Bring a friend, if you have one.”
Chruchill: “Send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one”

On formal declarations of war
“When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.”

One More
Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
I shall be sober in the morning.