Historical Joke Thread

[Phyr_Negator]

I've used translator so that grammar mistakes are forgivable.

Non official name of American medal "Purple Heart" assigned to wounded in battle is "Forgot to cover"

"In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it."
- Field Marshal Erwin Rommel

"Artillerymen believe the world consist of two types of people; other Artillerymen and targets."

...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
- Ambrose Bierce

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. "
- A. Whitney Brown

"We have gained a valuable insight into the Russian soul.
It will be most educational - if we don't die of it"
- King Charles of Sweden said while seeing the Russian countryside burning all around his army (and right before Poltava)

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed."
- General Norman Cota: Omaha Beach, 1944

"This is the epitaph I want on my tomb: "Here lies one of the most intelligent animals who ever appeared on the face of the earth."
- Benito Mussolini

"I'd rather have a German Division in front of me than a French one behind."
- General George S. Patton

 

[Gelion]

Taken from the Jokes forum:

Words of Wisdom for Military Personnel

Aim at the enemy - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen. MacArthur

"A slipping gear could let your M-203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic! The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him. - USAF Ammo

Source:
http://fromtheinside.us/humor/militarywisdom.htm


More:
If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

There is always a way.

The easy way is always mined.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: 1. When you're ready for
them. 2. When you're not ready for them.

Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

If your attack is going well, you have probably walked into an ambush.

Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get
out.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

And most importantly, never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest
bidder.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps...printed at different scales.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The Quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

Don't worry about the bullet with your name on it, worry about the shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

Better trained troops with poor equipment than untrained troops with good equipment.

The only situation more dangerous than being allied to America is to be her enemy.

In a conflict between the map and actual geography, the map takes precedence.

Here's a few more;

Never tie a tourniquet around someone's neck, no matter how bad they are bleeding.

FRONT: TOWARDS ENEMY (marking on a Claymore mine).

Never use your morphia on a wounded comrade. Use his. You might need yours later.

Ducking when fired on is a mistake. You should be on the ground before they open fire.


In the navy:
"Salute everything that moves, paint the rest"

 

[Serutan]

OK, another quote but IMO funny, in the context :

In 1864, after the Union had captured Atlanta, Confederate
President Jefferson Davis made a speech in which he promised
that Sherman and his army in Atlanta (which has a warm climate) would be forced to re-enact the retreat of Napoleon from
Moscow. Upon hearing of this, Gen. Grant said :

"Mr. Davis has not made it quite plain who is to furnish the
snow for this Moscow retreat".

 

[Riesstiu IV]

Can be bad taste for US citizens as it refers to very recent history so please skip it if you fear you might not like it and please don't take it bad as that is not its aim.

Ben Laden, hunted by US troops in Afghanistan, decides to call Bush.
Ben Laden : "George, it is me. I have a good piece of news and a bad piece of news for you.
George : yes, tell me !
Ben Laden : the good news is you win and I surrender. I will come to New York to surrender to you.
George : Great ! And what's the bad news ?
Ben Laden : Well,.... I am coming by plane..."

It’s not offensive but not very funny either.

 

[nonconformist]

It's 1960.
A man in France goes to his local Catholic church, and enters the confessional.
"Forgive me, father for I have sinned" says he.
"Would it be wrong to have sheltered a resistant from the Germans, father?"
The priest is astounded.
"Why...no, not at all, my son!"
"Well, then, father, would it have been wrong to charge this resistant a large sum in exchange?"
"Well....no, after all, in war, you needed the money to survive, and you were saving his life."
The man pauses a couple of seconds.
"Should I tell him the war's over?"

 

[Kosez]

Great stuff!

Ex Yugoslavian president Tito went to visit JFK with his wife Jovanka, his right arm Kardelj and Kardelj's wife Pepca. They were having a formal dinner with US VIP's, and suddenly Jovanka notices, Kardelj has stolen a golden spoon. He whispers to Tito, that she will not tolerate that only Pepca will have a golden spoon back home, she wants one too.
So Tito stands up: ˝I will show you now some magic˝, he takes a spoon and puts it in his pocket. ˝Where is the spoon?˝ he asks. They all say it's in his pocket. ˝No˝, he answers ˝It's with Kardelj!˝.

Tito, Stalin and JFK are in a plane, circumnavigating the world. Suddenly Stalin puts his arm out: ˝We are in Russia˝. ˝How do you know that?˝ ˝I´ve touched the Kremlin.˝
Couple of ours later JFK does the same. ˝We are in US.˝ ˝I have touched Empire State Building.˝
Still couple of hours later its Tito's turn: ˝Yes, we are definetly in Yugoslavia. They have stolen my watch!˝

 

[strategycat]

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[privatehudson]

I always liked that point when Khrushchev kept interrupting MacMillan at the UN by shouting and banging on the table. MacMillan calmly said

"I should like that to be translated if he wants to say anything."

 

[strategycat]

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[strategycat]

Back in the 1960's, the prime minister of India, Indira Gandhi, was on a state visit to the USSR.
As she and Brezhnev were riding through the streets of Moscow in Brezhnev's limousine, he turned to her:
"You know, Madame Prime Minister, I enjoyed my visit to your country last year very much.
"There is one thing though that kind of puzzled me. I noticed that people were defecating on the streets of New Delhi, right out in the open, and that there definitely seemed to be a problem with waste disposal in that large city.
"You know, Madame Prime Minister, our country would be glad to be of technical assistance to you in constructing modern, state of the art sewage systems for your cities".

Gandhi was taken somewhat aback by Brezhnev's comments when, right at that moment, she looked out the window of the car and noticed a well-dressed man crouching on the sidewalk, his pants at his ankles as if he were relieving himself.
"Look! Look at that!", she exclaimed to Brezhnev, "Look at what that man is doing!"
Brezhnev looked and couldn't believe what he was seeing. He immediately ordered the driver to stop and to go out and arrest the man on the sidewalk.
The driver stopped, got out, walked up to the man, exchanged some words with him and belately came walking back to the limo.
"Well, why didn't you arrest him?" asked Brezhnev, excitedly.
"I'm sorry, Comrade Chairman", answered the driver, "But I can't arrest that man. He's the ambassador from India."

 

[Dreadnought]

Great jokes all!

 

[soul_warrior]

WWI is raging a cross Europe.
the foriegn ministers of Germany and the US have a meeting.

the German, being extremly militaristic says "if the US shall enter the war, we have a million German-Americans willing to fight for us"

"that's quite allright," answers the US statesman, "we have a million lamp posts to string them up from"

 

[Adler17]

This joke I once read in another thread here:

A young US soldier during the Ardennes offensive had lost his gun. His sarge says: "At first believe me. You take this stick and go out and say bang, and the enemy will be dead. He does so. When he mets a German soldier he says bang and the German dies at once. Also the next German dies at once. Now the young soldier thinks nobody could stop him when suddenly a young German soldier appears, also unarmed. The GI says Bang, but nothing happens. Bang, but again nothing happens. After a third time, which was also successless, the German says: "Tinkity, tinkity, tank. Boom."

Adler

 

[Adler17]

In Germany East Friesland is like Kerry for the Irish, a plat land in Lower Saxony, with inhabitants the people mock in jokes, but usually not in a evil way.

During the Cold War East Friesland sends a declaration of war to the Soviets. "We do have 5.000 men and 10 tanks so we declare war on you." The Soviet responds: "We do have 5.000.000 men and 10.000 tanks. Do you really want to go for war?" The answer is sent immediately: "We retreat our declaration of war. We considered we don´t have so much capabilities for so many prisoners of war and therefore fear a humanitarian desaster."

Here another although not strictly historic. To understand the joke: To live behind the moon means to be backwards, to be hillbillies.

Why do the people of East Friesland demand to have invented the space flight? Because 200 years ago the reverend of Aurich said the people live behind the moon.

Adler

 

[Taliesin]

Top-level representatives from NATO and Bloc states were engaged in a peace summit towards the end of the Cold War. Unfortunately, during their flight from Stockholm to Helsinki for the second round of the summit, their plane begins to falter over the Baltic. Everything is tried, but the plane does not respond well, and the situation begins to look desperate. The delegates jettison everything they can, but even this does not seem to be enough.

Finally, the Soviet delegate decides that a sacrifice must be made for peace. He cries, "God bless Russia!" and leaps off the plane.

The others are shaken, but the plane's lone engine is still having trouble. After an awkward few minutes, the American delegate decides he will not be outdone by a Communist, and shouts "God bless America!" before jumping to his death.

The rest of the delegates are extremely upset by this point, but still the plane seems doomed to crash soon. Finally, the delegate from Ireland, who has been very quiet until now, decides that there's nothing for it: this is the time for his country to step up and play with the giants. So, mustering his courage, he loudly cries "God bless Ireland!"-- and pushes the British delegate out.

 

[~Corsair#01~]

Hannibal (247 - 182 BC)
by Mary Holtby

Spoiler :

He'll be coming down the mountain when he comes
In the bitter wind that batters and benumbs
He'll be coming down the mountain and I see the vultures counting,
They'll be counting up the corpses as he comes.

He was born a Carthaginian and his Dad
Was anxious to indoctrinate the lad
So he took him into battle and informed his offspring : 'That'll
Show you something of the hassle that we've had.

Here's an altar and before I let you go,
You must swear undying hatred to the foe!'
So for all the Roman nation he declared his detestation
Which in later life he had the chance to show:

Fought bravely under Hasdrubal in Spain
And himself at last conducted the campaign.
To restore some sort of order Rome set Ebro as a border,
For a peaceable division of terrain;

But Saguntum, on the Carthaginian side,
The Romans in their arrogance denied.
This Hannibal found shocking, so he gave the town a knocking
And began to plan his celebrated ride.

For the Romans had declared the Punic War,
And Hannibal remembered what he swore.
'Now that Rome has tried to burke us we shall treat her to a circus
Of a kind she's not experienced before.'

So he settles on the Alps for his Big Top
Where his elephants go dancing till they drop;
At sour wine his clowns may grumble but it makes the rockface crumble
And in Italy the hissing has to stop.

He beat Scipio, the first upon the scene;
Lured Flaminius to his fate at Trasimene;
And at Cannae (somewhat later, thanks to Fabius Cunctator)
Threw a spanner in the Roman war machine.

But alas! This was the highlight of the show;
His country is in trouble - he must go,
And the end of all the drama is the battlefield of Zama,
Where he can't escape the scourge of Scipio.

Defeated, he still rules his native state,
But the Romans want his blood and will not wait;
He flees and raises forces, but exhausting his resources
He eventually fixes his own fate.

Though for cruelty the Romans curse his name
And palpitating pachyderms may claim
That they hold the same opinion, this ingenious Carthaginian
Was a hero who deserves eternal fame.

Well, I laughed.

 

[Taliesin]

That was hilarious!

 

[FriendlyFire]

Real fact:

Thanks to Red propogander and brainwashing of the population. (In regards to the might of the red army)
During the opeining days of Barbarossa where Germany was tearing into the Russia.

A general announcement for war was announced in lenningrad. That Germany had opened hostilities. The russians population were saying that the war would be over in days, other disagreed saying it would take longer at least a few weeks for the red army to reach Berlin.

 

[privatehudson]

Also a real fact.

The first thing the British Paratroopers under Major Frost did during after landing during the Bruneval raid was to secure their landing area and ensure they were not observed. The second thing was that they all proceeded to relieve their bladders.

On the flight over they had all drunk a lot of hot tea laced with various alcohlic drinks to keep them warm and by the time they were anywhere near the French coast every single one of them were dying for a wee.

Having paid attention to their call of nature they then formed up and moved off in the direction of their objectives.

Funny, I don't recall that being mentioned in the Victor Annual story on the raid

 

[Serutan]

@strategycat - Re the Clinton picture - The restaurant in question (Mi Nidito here
in Tucson) added a menu item consisting of what Willy had for lunch. About a year
later, the owner said that while a lot of people had ordered it, only Willy had finished it.