horrible puns

[Perfection]

My semiconductor professor didn't like my joke

Spoiler DANGEROUSLY BAD NERD HUMOR :

Why is chili a good p-type semiconductor?

Spoiler answer :

It has a high frijole concentration!

 

[Wolfe Tone]

Don't drink and drive, infact don't even putt (works best on a golf course)

 

[Ramius75]

I was dining in a restaurant with 1 of my friend nickname Zoossh

and i passed to him his drink, " Zoossh, ur juice is here." It was the poor joke of the day.

 

[Hygro]

A snail goes into a Nissan dealer to by a "Z" car (350ZX, used to be 240Z, 260Z, 280Z), but he has one request: he needs the "Z" turned around and made into an "S" for "Snail." The dealer agrees and makes the changes. As the snail races out of the lot in his new vehicle, the dealer says to his assistant, "Look at that S car go."

Once I sent in ten puns to Reader's Digest to see if any of them would get into the Humor section. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

This thread isn't very punny

Though a pun, it is officially banished from pun-hood by the Official Council of Pun Judges.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

No Pun Judges can prevent me from using that pun!

 

[Serutan]

(stolen from Isaac Asimov) Euclid's geometry isn't the plain truth, just the plane truth.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

The pun is mightier than the sword

 

[Syterion]

See the Lame Joke thread.

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

A bunch of them.

 

[superslug]

I almost majored in English literature while in college, and I was simply dismayed at the falsities that the professors would teach their students when it came to puns. Almost every one of them would say that Shakespeare was a master of puns and that his plays were great examples of puns but it's not true! Puns are plays on words. Shakespeare's plays are on stages.

 

[Hygro]

ah ah ahhh

 

[Red Door]

I almost majored in English literature while in college, and I was simply dismayed at the falsities that the professors would teach their students when it came to puns. Almost every one of them would say that Shakespeare was a master of puns and that his plays were great examples of puns but it's not true! Puns are plays on words. Shakespeare's plays are on stages.

It took me 4 times through to get this.

 

[Guangxi]

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.

At the tire shop: "We skid you not!"

 

[Perfection]

Terrible, just plain terrible.

 

[Guangxi]

Terrible, just plain terrible.

.
..

 

[Catharsis]

A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm... let's see... what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction.
Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!"
Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?"
The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!"
"Nope, but you're close," the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

 

[Hygro]

 

[LLXerxes]

Ever heard of the famous weevil? Well he had a brother, yeah a brother. They grew up together. One of them became famous, and that's why you've heard of him. The other one is a farmer in Nebraska.
The latter was known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

[Veritass]

OK, time to bring out the big guns:

A farmer had a horse that had a very long mane, and he had a problem with songbirds building nests in it. He tried everything to keep the birds out, but couldn't get rid of the problem.

A local veterinarian told him to put some baker's yeast into the horse's feed, and that would cause an certain subtle odor in the horse's hair that would keep the birds away. He tried it and it worked perfectly. He asked the vet where he came up with that remedy, and the vet told him it's common knowledge:

Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.

 

[Martacus]

Did you know that the French peasantry revolted in 1789 mainly because the aristocracy was revolting?