horrible puns

[Guangxi]

About not being able to come up with anymore puns:
"I was caught with my puns down."

 

[Ramius75]

A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm... let's see... what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction.
Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!"
Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?"
The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!"
"Nope, but you're close," the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

oh my, lolololol .... thats bad....

 

[pboily]

A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm... let's see... what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction.
Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!"
Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?"
The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!"
"Nope, but you're close," the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

I get the feeling that you need to have grown up with english as your first language for this to make sense? It seems like it could be a nursery rhyme.

"clock struck Juan" is "clearly clock struck one"

Can anyone explain?

 

[Sophie 378]

pboily: Good guess! It's an old English nursery rhyme. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hickory_Dickory_Dock

 

[Catharsis]

Yep, it's based on that nursery rhyme. It's one of the great tragedies of my life that I can never tell that joke to anyone, because I don't know how to pronounce the word 'daiquiri'. (No-one tell me, I want to angst some more. Oh, misery.)

Keeping this on-topic, another nursery-rhyme-based pun from Rinkworks Really Bad Jokes:

There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death.

So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."

Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.

The moral of this story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

 

[Veritass]

Back when Roy Rogers was alive, his wife, Dale Evans, bought him a new pair of cowboy boots. When she brought them home, though, he was taking a nap, so she left them on the porch. Just then a mountain lion came by and ate them. Dale was so mad she hopped on her horse, tracked down the mountain lion and killed it. She brought carcass back and threw it on the porch and said,

"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

 

[Guangxi]

Back when Roy Rogers was alive, his wife, Dale Evans, bought him a new pair of cowboy boots. When she brought them home, though, he was taking a nap, so she left them on the porch. Just then a mountain lion came by and ate them. Dale was so mad she hopped on her horse, tracked down the mountain lion and killed it. She brought carcass back and threw it on the porch and said,

"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

. i don't get it.

 

[Veritass]

For non-Americans, that is a pun off of the song title, "Pardon me, boys, is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?"

 

[Abaddon]

Puns only work in a context.. a thread such as this wouldnt work..

Most of these "puns" are merely poor jokes.

 

[kristopherb]

the word polictaly correct is not polictaly correct

(doing about the depression in history)
"this is despessing"

 

[Catharsis]

The first one's more ironic than puntastic.

 

[rugbyLEAGUEfan]

Ghandi spent most of his time barefoot leading to terrible callouses . he was very weak due to how little he ate and his poor diet often resulted in bad breath .

result..................(God this is bad)

a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis !!

 

[Lord Baal]

Why did you need to bump this when there's an identically-themed thread on the same page?

 

[Phrossack]

Is there such a thing as a good pun?

 

[rugbyLEAGUEfan]

Why did you need to bump this when there's an identically-themed thread on the same page?

this thread "horrible puns"

other thread "jokes with no puns"

 

[classical_hero]

Yep, it's based on that nursery rhyme. It's one of the great tragedies of my life that I can never tell that joke to anyone, because I don't know how to pronounce the word 'daiquiri'. (No-one tell me, I want to angst some more. Oh, misery.)

It should not be too hard to say it, since it looks almost like it sounds.

 

[Fr8monkey]

A frog was bored with his life and went to the bank to get assistance in redecorating his home. The receptionist met hm and asked for collateral.

"I'm sorry, Miss Wack," said the frog. "All I have is this small dolphin statue."

"Call me Patti." She says as she calls to her boss for conformation.

The banker enters the room and looks at the items and says....

It's a knick-knack Patti Wack, give the frog a loan.

 

[Catharsis]

It should not be too hard to say it, since it looks almost like it sounds.

That post was from over three years ago: I have since learned how to pronounce 'daiquiri'. 'Dakkery' doesn't work very well for that particular pun, but apparently 'dykkery' is also acceptable. So that's that three-year-old loose end tied up.

 

[Mise]

I would be remis if I didn't mention Dave Gorman's Pun Street.

 

[!!!!!]

what happened when the wheel was invented?



there was a revolution