Humorous holiday greetings

[Rambuchan]

Folks! We are less than a week away from Christmas now. So where's the love??? Christmas avvies are all well and good but there needs to be more in the way of Holiday / Christmas greetings IMHO, especially humorous ones.

So here is my Christmas Card to all of you (which I didn't write myself but received by email from an associate). It's typically OT style humour, so here it is:

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee")

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color,
age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or
sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:- This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under English Law!

Merry Christmas to you all and please post your other humorous holiday greetings.

 

[Che Guava]

"It has been revealed to me through certain unnamed sources that on this day approximately 2000 years ago, someone, who may or may not have been the son of a being claiming to be a deity, descended to earth to share a message of peace and love that has been deemed at this time appropriate for public release. While I cannot confirm or deny the validity of this claim, I would like to pass on my steadfast commitment to peace and love, and wish all people of the world that peace and love, although not necessarily in that order."

 

[thetrooper]

I'm sorry to disappoint you Ram, but all I get is spam.

 

[Rambuchan]

"Disappoint"? Thanks for ruining my run up to Christmas trooper. :suicide: [joke]

 

[The Last Conformist]

Merry weight gain season!

 

[Whomp]

As many of you know from my memos in your PM box over the last few days I was in charge of this year's CFC Christmas Party and I feel much better now.

FROM: Whomp
TO: All CFCers
DATE: December 17th 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the CFC Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the CFC lounge. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. And don't be surprised if Sid Meier shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
Exchange of gifts among CFCers can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for CFCers!
Soren will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Whomp
==========================================================Draft 2....
FROM: Whomp
TO: All CFCers
DATE: December 18, 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are atheists or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Whomp
=========================================================
Draft 3....
FROM: Whomp
TO: All CFCers
DATE: December..?? 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Also Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the CFC union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
==========================================================
Draft 4....
FROM: Whomp
To: All CFCers
DATE: I Forget..
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim CFCers beliefs. Perhaps the lounge can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing will be allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, - I am sorry the lounge cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Whomp ==========================================================
Draft 5....
FROM:Whomp
TO: All CFCers
DATE: Who cares...
RE: The Freaking Holiday Party
Vegans we're going to keep this party in the lounge whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Angry Whomp!!!!!!!
==========================================================Draft 6....
FROM: Rambuchan
DATE: December 20, 2005
RE: Whomp and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Whomp a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and.
Happy Holidays

 

[Rambuchan]

Whompster: I gotta take my hat off to that! Some damn fine satire there bwoy!! Very amused.

PS. You'd have been better off just going with my version in the OP, given all the problems you've been through