DrewBledsoe
Veteran QB
The best ever thread must continue.....tomorrow when I'm not so tired...somebody else pls 
It makes so little sense it's funny
- Thread starter gettingfat
- Start date
In a land far, far away, in the year 1950, the leader of a great nation finishes his third glass of wine:
Prime Minister: Wow! This imported wine is the best thing since sliced bread. What are the ingredients?
Advisor: Well Sir, the bottle says that the ingredients are grapes. I think. It's in French. I'm really going by the pictures of grapes on the bottle.
Prime Minister: Grapes? Well great! I saw some of those outside the palace the other day, and we weren't even using them for anything. Let's send some fellas out there and make some wine!
Advisor: Ummm, well, we don't know how to make wine out of grapes.
Prime Minister: Let's research that then! I'm sick of importing wine from those heathen Hindus in France, with their pompus king. Research "grape growing," or "bottling," or whatever.
Advisor: The bottle says "de le Royale vineyards" or something. It's in French. Silly language. Can't tell you what it means exactly, but I think we have to research 'monarchy.' That's what we need to make grapes into wine.
Prime Minister: Are you crazy? Our forefathers decided thousands of years ago when they built the 'Great Pyramids', that 'representation' was far more enlightened than 'monarchy', and that such a 'civic' was only for the heathen in France. This is madness!
Advisor: (worried) Well, ummm, yes, that does seem quite strange. (idea!) Here, sir, have another glass of wine and lets think this over...
3 hours, and 2 bottles later....
Prime Minister: You know what? <hic> This wine is better than sliced bread! This stuff <hic> is awesome. I've got to have my own "le Royale vineyards!" (waiving arms around) Lets put the scientists to work!
Advisor: Yes, sir. On 'monarchy' sir?
Prime Minister: Whatever it takes! <hic> I won't be upstaged by the French!
Advisor: OK sir, we'll divert research from 'fisson' into research on 'monarchy.'
Prime Minister: Very nice, now bring me another bottle. Maybe it would be good to be a king....
Prime Minister: Wow! This imported wine is the best thing since sliced bread. What are the ingredients?
Advisor: Well Sir, the bottle says that the ingredients are grapes. I think. It's in French. I'm really going by the pictures of grapes on the bottle.
Prime Minister: Grapes? Well great! I saw some of those outside the palace the other day, and we weren't even using them for anything. Let's send some fellas out there and make some wine!
Advisor: Ummm, well, we don't know how to make wine out of grapes.
Prime Minister: Let's research that then! I'm sick of importing wine from those heathen Hindus in France, with their pompus king. Research "grape growing," or "bottling," or whatever.
Advisor: The bottle says "de le Royale vineyards" or something. It's in French. Silly language. Can't tell you what it means exactly, but I think we have to research 'monarchy.' That's what we need to make grapes into wine.
Prime Minister: Are you crazy? Our forefathers decided thousands of years ago when they built the 'Great Pyramids', that 'representation' was far more enlightened than 'monarchy', and that such a 'civic' was only for the heathen in France. This is madness!
Advisor: (worried) Well, ummm, yes, that does seem quite strange. (idea!) Here, sir, have another glass of wine and lets think this over...
3 hours, and 2 bottles later....
Prime Minister: You know what? <hic> This wine is better than sliced bread! This stuff <hic> is awesome. I've got to have my own "le Royale vineyards!" (waiving arms around) Lets put the scientists to work!
Advisor: Yes, sir. On 'monarchy' sir?
Prime Minister: Whatever it takes! <hic> I won't be upstaged by the French!
Advisor: OK sir, we'll divert research from 'fisson' into research on 'monarchy.'
Prime Minister: Very nice, now bring me another bottle. Maybe it would be good to be a king....
stuge
Emperor
This thread has has caused me to laugh even more than the "1000 clues"-thread. A deep bow to everyone who have posted here.
Now, having said that, I have a little contribution of my own:
Worker 1: Good news, brother! The government has finally bent before the might of our Red Shirts and has imported some wine and incense.
Worker 2: Awesome! Let's try them out.
(Many hours, which are cowered in the fumes of alcohol and burning incense, pass.)
Worker 1: I tfink tha' it's the the the the... whutwazzit... time for us to thank our governervenet, (hic), whits has dun sooooooooo greet many things for us, and contribbbte our effo' toward the product of the mahvellous space...
thing.
Worker 2: Amen to that and those cute little wriggling screwdrivers! (Giggles hysterically.)
After two hours, the launch site for the "Centauri challenger"-spaceship goes up like a firework.
Time for the project leader to call the g-men, methinks.
Now, having said that, I have a little contribution of my own:
Worker 1: Good news, brother! The government has finally bent before the might of our Red Shirts and has imported some wine and incense.
Worker 2: Awesome! Let's try them out.
(Many hours, which are cowered in the fumes of alcohol and burning incense, pass.)
Worker 1: I tfink tha' it's the the the the... whutwazzit... time for us to thank our governervenet, (hic), whits has dun sooooooooo greet many things for us, and contribbbte our effo' toward the product of the mahvellous space...
thing.
Worker 2: Amen to that and those cute little wriggling screwdrivers! (Giggles hysterically.)
After two hours, the launch site for the "Centauri challenger"-spaceship goes up like a firework.
Time for the project leader to call the g-men, methinks.
Halmboy
Chieftain
Good story
But one thing I think is really irritating is that you need to have universal suffrage to hurry something! It's stupid, and dont make any sense. So, if i have heritaged rule, i cant hurry my productions? It's silly!
But one thing I think is really irritating is that you need to have universal suffrage to hurry something! It's stupid, and dont make any sense. So, if i have heritaged rule, i cant hurry my productions? It's silly!
(A twofer!)
Gandhi gazes happily out the window. "We have finally managed to found all the religions of the world. Now, under my command, we shall surely usher in a new era of peace, prosperity, and religious tolerance, with none using religion as an excuse or a fuel for violence... We shall never have to build our first taker of lives."
The Military and Foreign Advisors rush into the room simultaneously, panting for breath. Gandhi is shocked. "My children, what has happened?"
The Military Advisor begins speaking, in between gasps for air. "Saladin... has attacked us!"
The Foreign Advisor adds on a single sentence, and Gandhi drops to the floor in a dead faint.
"...Because he is 'upset that we have fallen under the sway of a heathen religion'!"
~
When Gandhi awakens, he immediately gives orders for defensive units to be built in all his cities. He then goes to the crown, sitting over the mantle. He takes it in his hands and sighs. "We have so much gold, but we cannot use it to help us... If only I had built the Pyramids, I might be able to concieve of a system where everyone can vote, which would allow the government to fund production so that units could be finished in a single turn... Alas. But that Caste System I implemented gave me lots of engineers to help with production, and I can make my empire into a Police State that uses Slavery, so that I can kill off my beloved citizens to create something to kill more people, and kill anyone else who complains... Maybe I should make us a Theocracy, too..."
Gandhi gazes happily out the window. "We have finally managed to found all the religions of the world. Now, under my command, we shall surely usher in a new era of peace, prosperity, and religious tolerance, with none using religion as an excuse or a fuel for violence... We shall never have to build our first taker of lives."
The Military and Foreign Advisors rush into the room simultaneously, panting for breath. Gandhi is shocked. "My children, what has happened?"
The Military Advisor begins speaking, in between gasps for air. "Saladin... has attacked us!"
The Foreign Advisor adds on a single sentence, and Gandhi drops to the floor in a dead faint.
"...Because he is 'upset that we have fallen under the sway of a heathen religion'!"
~
When Gandhi awakens, he immediately gives orders for defensive units to be built in all his cities. He then goes to the crown, sitting over the mantle. He takes it in his hands and sighs. "We have so much gold, but we cannot use it to help us... If only I had built the Pyramids, I might be able to concieve of a system where everyone can vote, which would allow the government to fund production so that units could be finished in a single turn... Alas. But that Caste System I implemented gave me lots of engineers to help with production, and I can make my empire into a Police State that uses Slavery, so that I can kill off my beloved citizens to create something to kill more people, and kill anyone else who complains... Maybe I should make us a Theocracy, too..."
DrewBledsoe
Veteran QB
Inspired by Antilogic's findings that Ragnar didn't have either Pottery or Agriculture in 500AD.........
Uppsala 510AD
Advisor: Sire, I fear there is trouble in the Mines
King Ragnar: Why's that?
A: The workers grow restless, they need something, a diversion to relax them after a hard day's toil.
KR: And what do you suggest?
A:Well sire, my grandfather told me of a man, a wild man living alone in the hills, who used to plant barley seeds in the ground.
KR: Yes...
A: And well, they grew strong and tall, and when they had reached maturity, he used to pick them mix with water from the stream in a stone hollow, add a mould he called "yeast", let the whole noxious brew ferment, and then drink it.
KR: Sounds disgusting, what happened to him?
A: Well Sire, he would start to sing songs and laugh madly to himself, then eventually he would fall into a deep sleep, even though no harm would come to him.
KR: Hmm....
A: And one day, when he was a young man, my grandfather snook up to his hovel when he was asleep, and drank a great deal of this mixture.
KR: Your grandfather was the great warrior Hagar wasn't he?
A: Yes sir, and on returning to town, he behaved in an odd manner, he began threatening bystanders, accusing them of "Looking at him in a funny way", he even threatened to "go beserk" on someone.
KR: (mumbling) but we haven't discovered that yet.
A: Sire?
KR: Nothing, do continue.
A: Well he remembered nothing upon awakening sire, cept that it was a pleasent experience.
KR: Do you think we could make this brew?
A: I shall search the length and breadths of the land to acheive it sire.
Several Months Later
A: It is finished sire, a huge iron cauldron of the brew.
KR: Hmm, now if we just had something easy for the peasants to make themselves, a container of some kind.
A: In my travels sire, I came across a group of hunters who camped near the river.
KR: Yes and?
A: Well in their fire, the next morning, I noticed some of the river clay had turned to a hard substance. I assume the heat of the fire did this. Clay is easy to shape sire, if we were to mould it into the shape of an iron drinking vessel, then put it in a fire, this may work.
KR: Excellent, the peasants could make this themselves.
Several Months later still
KR: (hic) thizzz breeeew is most wonderous my good man.
A: (hic) tis indeeeed zzire.
KR: bring in (hic) my court muzzzzicians, I want a song.
A: (hic) {shouting} bring in Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha, and Anni-Frid.
KR: Rrrrright, I want a song for the workers in the mines, a jolly drinking song.
BBAA: {mumling discussion}..ok..1, 2,3, "HI-HO, (hi-ho)..HI-HO....HI-ho, Hi-ho, its off to work we go"
KR: (burp)..naaaahh, don't like that one...I want a song for my wife, so she can dance, she love's to dance...{AND MORE DRINK}
Queen Kristiana: Oh Yes pls!
BBAA: {more mumbling}...ok 1,2,3 (huge glissando) Ah, ah, HA Bring in the Dancing Queen (da ding da ding da dong)
KR: Yessss much besssser.
.........
A: You know (hic) sire, I was told that the same barley can be ground into a pazzzte, mixed with water, and then baked to make bread.
KR: (stares at him)
KR and A: (Both laughing uncontrollably)
KR: Thats so funny, everyone Knooooowwws that Viking bread is made out of gravel and rocks....Hahah, that a good one bread out of plants....
A: You are funny sire...
KR: What..(hard stare), you calling me funny? I'm a funny guy am I?
A: No, no, sire, not like that.
KR: GUARDS!!
...
A: Oh pls no sire..
Guard: Yes sire?
KR: Tell my advisor...(hic)..that he my's best mate and I love him.
Guard: Erm, whatever you say sire....
KR: I LOVE this drink, think I'll call it Reeb...
A: (relieved) whatever you say sire.
---------------------------------------------------------
(With apologies to Pratchett, Disney, Goodfellas and a certain Swedish Group)
__________________
antilogic said:
Uppsala 510AD
Advisor: Sire, I fear there is trouble in the Mines
King Ragnar: Why's that?
A: The workers grow restless, they need something, a diversion to relax them after a hard day's toil.
KR: And what do you suggest?
A:Well sire, my grandfather told me of a man, a wild man living alone in the hills, who used to plant barley seeds in the ground.
KR: Yes...
A: And well, they grew strong and tall, and when they had reached maturity, he used to pick them mix with water from the stream in a stone hollow, add a mould he called "yeast", let the whole noxious brew ferment, and then drink it.
KR: Sounds disgusting, what happened to him?
A: Well Sire, he would start to sing songs and laugh madly to himself, then eventually he would fall into a deep sleep, even though no harm would come to him.
KR: Hmm....
A: And one day, when he was a young man, my grandfather snook up to his hovel when he was asleep, and drank a great deal of this mixture.
KR: Your grandfather was the great warrior Hagar wasn't he?
A: Yes sir, and on returning to town, he behaved in an odd manner, he began threatening bystanders, accusing them of "Looking at him in a funny way", he even threatened to "go beserk" on someone.
KR: (mumbling) but we haven't discovered that yet.
A: Sire?
KR: Nothing, do continue.
A: Well he remembered nothing upon awakening sire, cept that it was a pleasent experience.
KR: Do you think we could make this brew?
A: I shall search the length and breadths of the land to acheive it sire.
Several Months Later
A: It is finished sire, a huge iron cauldron of the brew.
KR: Hmm, now if we just had something easy for the peasants to make themselves, a container of some kind.
A: In my travels sire, I came across a group of hunters who camped near the river.
KR: Yes and?
A: Well in their fire, the next morning, I noticed some of the river clay had turned to a hard substance. I assume the heat of the fire did this. Clay is easy to shape sire, if we were to mould it into the shape of an iron drinking vessel, then put it in a fire, this may work.
KR: Excellent, the peasants could make this themselves.
Several Months later still
KR: (hic) thizzz breeeew is most wonderous my good man.
A: (hic) tis indeeeed zzire.
KR: bring in (hic) my court muzzzzicians, I want a song.
A: (hic) {shouting} bring in Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha, and Anni-Frid.
KR: Rrrrright, I want a song for the workers in the mines, a jolly drinking song.
BBAA: {mumling discussion}..ok..1, 2,3, "HI-HO, (hi-ho)..HI-HO....HI-ho, Hi-ho, its off to work we go"
KR: (burp)..naaaahh, don't like that one...I want a song for my wife, so she can dance, she love's to dance...{AND MORE DRINK}
Queen Kristiana: Oh Yes pls!
BBAA: {more mumbling}...ok 1,2,3 (huge glissando) Ah, ah, HA Bring in the Dancing Queen (da ding da ding da dong)
KR: Yessss much besssser.
.........
A: You know (hic) sire, I was told that the same barley can be ground into a pazzzte, mixed with water, and then baked to make bread.
KR: (stares at him)
KR and A: (Both laughing uncontrollably)
KR: Thats so funny, everyone Knooooowwws that Viking bread is made out of gravel and rocks....Hahah, that a good one bread out of plants....
A: You are funny sire...
KR: What..(hard stare), you calling me funny? I'm a funny guy am I?
A: No, no, sire, not like that.
KR: GUARDS!!
...
A: Oh pls no sire..
Guard: Yes sire?
KR: Tell my advisor...(hic)..that he my's best mate and I love him.
Guard: Erm, whatever you say sire....
KR: I LOVE this drink, think I'll call it Reeb...
A: (relieved) whatever you say sire.
---------------------------------------------------------
(With apologies to Pratchett, Disney, Goodfellas and a certain Swedish Group)
__________________
gettingfat
Emperor
- Joined
- Nov 7, 2003
- Messages
- 1,417
What? The thread that I started a decade ago is still actively running? I guess this makes no sense at all!
Ambreville
Deity
5cats said:
I guess the difference here is between lots of little rocks vs big ones that you can carve into big solid blocks. Just a guess. But yes, it ought to be easier to find beeeg rocks, especially near hills or mountains compared to iron or copper.
Ambreville
Deity
That's what you get for not checking the dates.
lbhhh
King
Whew, just read through the whole thread! Great stuff except for the few people who don`t get it. so here`s my crack at it, inspired by a real game occurance.
A: Sire we have just discovered military tradition! We can now build cavalry a powerful military unit.
K: What does cavalry do exactly?
A: Well, they're like Knights but instead of swords they have rifles, a very powerful weapon.
K: Ok then begin producing the cavalry.
A: Unfortunately we need to research gunpowder first.
K: Ok so get on it.
***Several turns later***
A: Sire we have just discovered gunpowder we can now build cavalry.
K: Great, what else does gunpowder do?
A: Well we can build musketmen, an infantry unit armed with muskets, primitive firearms, the ancestors of rifles if you wish.
K: But we are already builfding rifles for our cavalry! Can't we give some to our ground troops?
A: No Sire that`s impossible.
K: Alright what if we asked a cavalry unit get to dismount and fight on foot? Would that work?
A: Once more Sire...
K:Alright then, start building musketmen and upgrade our existing longbow units into musketmen at once. Then research rifling immediately, I need riflemen on the batlefield asap.
A: Sire our longbowmen can't upgrade to musketmen and before we can research rifling we need to first discover printing press and replaceable parts.
K: This is insane, disband the longbowmen then, they're useless!
A:Not quite, they can be upgraded to...
K(interrupting) if you say riflemen I`m gonna lose it...
A(thinking fast in an attempt to save his head) umm guys that use rifles to fight?
King faints, adviser sneaks out.
A: Sire we have just discovered military tradition! We can now build cavalry a powerful military unit.
K: What does cavalry do exactly?
A: Well, they're like Knights but instead of swords they have rifles, a very powerful weapon.
K: Ok then begin producing the cavalry.
A: Unfortunately we need to research gunpowder first.
K: Ok so get on it.
***Several turns later***
A: Sire we have just discovered gunpowder we can now build cavalry.
K: Great, what else does gunpowder do?
A: Well we can build musketmen, an infantry unit armed with muskets, primitive firearms, the ancestors of rifles if you wish.
K: But we are already builfding rifles for our cavalry! Can't we give some to our ground troops?
A: No Sire that`s impossible.
K: Alright what if we asked a cavalry unit get to dismount and fight on foot? Would that work?
A: Once more Sire...
K:Alright then, start building musketmen and upgrade our existing longbow units into musketmen at once. Then research rifling immediately, I need riflemen on the batlefield asap.
A: Sire our longbowmen can't upgrade to musketmen and before we can research rifling we need to first discover printing press and replaceable parts.
K: This is insane, disband the longbowmen then, they're useless!
A:Not quite, they can be upgraded to...
K(interrupting) if you say riflemen I`m gonna lose it...
A(thinking fast in an attempt to save his head) umm guys that use rifles to fight?
King faints, adviser sneaks out.
GeneralX
Warlord
gettingfat said:
Sometimes you never really appreciate the impact you have on the world. This is the best forum that I have seen in years.
Bushface
Deity
@Lord Olleus - in post #244 above you refer to "beaurocracy". Is this rule by the handsome or the well-dressed ? Any way . . .
Adviser: Your supremacy, we have discovered Plastics !
President: So ?
Adv: So we can build an enormous dam which will power all our factories !
Pres: I thought dams were made of concrete.
Adv: Sir ? What is that ? We have never heard of such a substance.
Pres: And what are these - er - Platsticks made of ?
Adv: They are produced from Oil, sir.
Pres: But we have no Oil !
Adv: That doesn't matter, sir. We can still make plastic dams. Millions of tons of wonderful shiny flexible plastic made from nothing !
Pres: I think it will need a better argument before I believe you. Now go away.
Adviser: Your supremacy, we have discovered Plastics !
President: So ?
Adv: So we can build an enormous dam which will power all our factories !
Pres: I thought dams were made of concrete.
Adv: Sir ? What is that ? We have never heard of such a substance.
Pres: And what are these - er - Platsticks made of ?
Adv: They are produced from Oil, sir.
Pres: But we have no Oil !
Adv: That doesn't matter, sir. We can still make plastic dams. Millions of tons of wonderful shiny flexible plastic made from nothing !
Pres: I think it will need a better argument before I believe you. Now go away.
Barney's_Soul
Warlord
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2006
- Messages
- 205
Well Russian peoples obviesly liked Catherine, as she was able to sleep with them allFragment said:
Isabella is hawt in the game.
hi, i'm from Aberdeen Scotland and need to ask a question. i'm playing the greek empire (civ 4) but cannot figure out how to move from one island to the other and start a new town. it appeares that building a galion or other boat does not work. can you help by explaining the necessary moves? pls be detailed because because its the first time i play civ....!
(pls reply to: toutoungi@gmail.com if it's any easier)
ths
(pls reply to: toutoungi@gmail.com if it's any easier)
ths
lbhhh
King
toutoungi said:
1-Build a settler
2-Build a galleon
3-make sure both units are in the same city
4-select the settler then hit the "load" button
5-select the galleon and move to the island
6-select the galleon and click the "unload button"
A piece of advice, bring a long a couple of other units to escort your settler.
JonnyB
Workaholic
General: Sir Sir, An enemy Battleship has appeared off our coast! We have no ships in range and next turn it will be able to reach our crab resource and destroy it!
President: What do you mean by next turn?.... Never mind, we have bombers and fighters in range don't we?
General: Yes sir, we sent some of them out and bombed the ship to half it's strength, but it can still destroy our crabs.
President: Nothing will get rid of our crabs, just send the rest out and sink that thing!
General: We can't sir, once it's half damaged we're not allowed to attack it anymore.
President: What do you mean we're not allowed? I'm giving you an order, Do it!
General: Sorry sir, the planes won't even try.
President: I knew you were a traitor. GUARDS!!
President: What do you mean by next turn?.... Never mind, we have bombers and fighters in range don't we?
General: Yes sir, we sent some of them out and bombed the ship to half it's strength, but it can still destroy our crabs.
President: Nothing will get rid of our crabs, just send the rest out and sink that thing!
General: We can't sir, once it's half damaged we're not allowed to attack it anymore.
President: What do you mean we're not allowed? I'm giving you an order, Do it!
General: Sorry sir, the planes won't even try.
President: I knew you were a traitor. GUARDS!!
Syagrius
Warlord
hehe good script
DrewBledsoe
Veteran QB
This occurred to me as it happened in a recent game....
Advisor: Sire, our workers have completed the clearance of the forest you ordered, and we have much excess wood, which will enable us to construct something almost instantaneously.
King: Excellent, what do you suggest?
A: Well sire, we have lived in isolation for all our history, until the Persians boats arrived at our shores.
K: This is true.
A: So how about we construct some missonaries to spread our Good Word to the Persians?
K: We can build missionaries out of wood??
A: Apparently sire
K: Sort of Like a "Trojan Missionary"
A: Beg your pardon sire, never heard of that.
K: Something some Greek chaps built once upon a time.
A: Never heard of them sire
K: Nevermind I must have dreamed them or something.........
Advisor: Sire, our workers have completed the clearance of the forest you ordered, and we have much excess wood, which will enable us to construct something almost instantaneously.
King: Excellent, what do you suggest?
A: Well sire, we have lived in isolation for all our history, until the Persians boats arrived at our shores.
K: This is true.
A: So how about we construct some missonaries to spread our Good Word to the Persians?
K: We can build missionaries out of wood??
A: Apparently sire
K: Sort of Like a "Trojan Missionary"
A: Beg your pardon sire, never heard of that.
K: Something some Greek chaps built once upon a time.
A: Never heard of them sire
K: Nevermind I must have dreamed them or something.........
