It makes so little sense it's funny

King: Mister Morton, Herr Leibniz, welcome. My advisers report that you have a very interesting proposal for me today.

Leibniz: Yes, your most gracious majesty. I've been reviewing recent economic and production reports, and it has appear to me that we haven't been reaping quite the benefit from the land that we could. When word went out that Morton here had been born, I went to see him to see if my ideas could be put into practice. And thanks to his ingenuity, they can.

King: And your idea is?

Morton: We're going to throw a party!

King: Excuse me?

Leibniz: My colleague is a touch flip. In my notes, I call it a golden age...

Morton: Pretentious that.

Leibniz: ... but it is not truly inaccurate to call it a party. Think Mardi Gras, but on a national scale. We expect most towns to throw elaborate festivals, broadening the tax base; the miners are certain to be hammered.

King: You're going to throw a party, and that will make the citizenry more productive?

Leibniz: Yes, your grace. I've checked the figures most thoroughly.

King: What about your colleagues at the library? Will not the party disturb them in their work?

Morton: What, that lot? I doubt those amateurs will notice.

King: Very well. How to you propose to produce this miracle? In layman's terms, if you please?

Morton: That would be my department, if I may. As you must suspect from the portable nature of the solution, the principles must be straightforward, as indeed they are. You simply... that is to say... (sigh) in layman's terms, your grace, it's magic.

King: I'm supposed to do magic?

Morton: No, no. For your grace, it is sufficient to put on the safety goggles and push the button. I...

Leibniz: We

Morton: ...have already done the magic.

King: Safety goggles?

Leibniz: Yes, your grace; the equations suggest that the visual effects will be... dramatic.

King: Indeed. Am I wearing these properly?

Leibniz: Your majesty is already an expert.

King: Ah, the lenses would be your design then, Gottfried?

Leibniz: Not so, your grace. They are the work of an English gentleman who shows some promise.

King: Very well. The button is golden, Mister Morton?

Leibniz: A small jest by my colleague. A very small jest.

King: Nevertheless, I am quite eager to try it.

<fx: Click>

King: That... was less than you lead me to expect. Gottfried?

Leibniz: Bottoms up, your grace

<fx: WOOSH>

King: My God, it's full of stars.... I take it back, Gottfried, that was indeed spec... Gottfried? Morton? Now where did they get to?

Minister (entering): Your majesty, I've just received an express dispatch indicating a dramatic increase in projected revenue over the next eighty years, and... what are those things on your face? er, your grace?
 
King: Send young Polo in to see me, would you?

Polo: Grazie mille, Regno!

King: Marco my boy! My, look how you've grown. And... gracious, what is that awful stench? Have you not bathed since I saw you last?

Polo: 'Scuzi, Regno. I had to bring Giuseppe with me.

<fx: spit>

Polo: Lucreza was most insistent that I not leave him alone in the house. Mille regretti.

King: Never mind that, now. I had in mind to put you to work here in Rome, a favor I promised to your father many years ago, when he erected the great statue in my honor. Yet now I hear you have dreams of travel?

Polo: Si! They say that the sands of Arabia are limitless in their wealth. I would travel there, and persuade the Great Sultan to share this wealth with you.

King: I see. And just how would you persuade him?

Polo: Regno, I would sell him Giuseppe.

<fx: spit>

King: Sell Giuseppe?

<fx: spit>

Polo: Si.

King: To the Arabs?

Polo: Si!

King: Absolutely out of the question. Marco, our relations with the Arabs are tenuous at best; so it is really quite inappropriate to begin selling them military resources. As carefully housebroken as Giuseppe is

<fx: spit>

King: I'm not will not permit you to sell him to nation state has been training camels as instruments of war.

Polo: An instrument of war? Giuseppe?

<fx: spit>

Polo: No, Regno, it is not possible. 'e has too many humps.

King: Excuse me?

Polo: The front hump, so you see? For even the legendary archers, charging into battle would be a most disagreeable experience. It is for this reason, Regno, that I intend to walk Giuseppe to Mecca, not to ride him.

<fx: spit>

King: It will take some time then, for you to travel to Mecca and return?

Polo: The Great Sultan, he has a harem of renowned beauty, experienced in the magics of the orient?

King: So it is said.

Polo: But Allah alone is all knowing, si. And the Sultan - it is said that there is no stallion that can throw him, no mount that he cannot tame?

King: So it is said.

Polo: His harem will be idle many months as he tries to bridle Giuseppe.

<fx: spit>

Polo: I must remain behind to console them.

King: Your father had a reputation for erecting more than statues, it must run in the blood. However, the sultan has too much pride to admit that he has been tricked by a boy, so I'm sure you shall suffer no great difficulties. I, on the other hand, still have a problem. How am I to spend the Sultan's gold if you don't bring it back to me?

Polo: Regno, it would take many years again that I should bring the gold back to you. Instead, I shall stay behind, that you get your gold much faster.

King: Now how is that going to work?

Polo: I'll write you a post dated cheque. Cash it when you receive word that the sultan in indisposed.
 
Brilliant thread. really funny!

Maybe the Leaderheads could age realtime as the game progresses?

I'd like to see anyone get the hots for Catherine aged 3000!
 
King: Gentlemen, the two of you have been lounging here for years, when I asked you specifically to get this thing fixed. And while I've appreciated getting progress reports on a regular basis, the point of a progress report is to report progress. Nichola, tell me you've got progress to report or I'm going to assign you both to desk jobs here in the city.

Tesla: Progress we've got. What we're missing is a working prototype. I've been able to clean the accumulated corrosion in Morton's machine, and our modern research advances have allowed me to upgrade the old components. So we've managed to extend the life of it a bit - it should run for about eight more years, if we can get it started.

King: Only eight? When it ran for eightly last time?

Tesla: This prototype, yes. It's battery driven, and there's only eight years left. Once we figure out how to get it started, we'll assemble a new one, with some improvements I've come up with. The new version will draw power directly from the earth, and should run indefinitely - until the earth stops spinning, give or take a week. But there's no point in building a new version of the machine that doesn't start. The theoretical details are all great, but Morton didn't leave us any notes. And, though it was terribly gracious of you to allow us access to your memoires, your majesty's writing betrays a somewhat casual attitude toward details. To be blunt, the description <fx: WOOSH> is not precise.

Heisenberg: Nothing ever is.

Tesla: Stuff it, Werner. Your majesty, Morton is gone, and left nothing behind. All we have to go on is what you remember.

King: Let's see... I asked him how it worked; he told me it was magic.

Tesla: What an ass.

King: That's not right?

Tesla: It works on sufficiently advanced technology.

King: Oh....

Tesla: And then what did he say.

King: And then, he said the gold color of the button was a joke on Leibniz.

Tesla: Gold? That's not right....

King: Oh, you're right. It was Leibniz who said that.

Tesla: No, that's not what I meant...

Armstrong (entering): Hey kids.

Tesla, Heisenberg: Hey Chef!

King: Louis! I'm terribly sorry, I'm running late. Our resident slackers haven't managed to get the Morton machine working yet. Have a seat, and I'll be with you in a moment.... let's see. Oh, Leibniz had me wear my safety goggles, I think I still have them here somewhere....

Armstrong: I see trees of green, red roses too; a sign error, line twenty two. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Tesla: Line twenty two? Werner, could that be it?

Heisenberg: I'm not certain.

Tesla: It would explain the color though - I can change that pretty easily, so let's try it....

King: ... Ah, here they are. So I put them on.... Oh, you got the color right! So I pushed the button....

<fx: click>

Tesla: No, not yet!!!!

<fx: WOOSH>

King: You fixed it! Fantastic! How long will it take you two to get the new machine built? Nikki? Werner?

<fx: crickets>

King: (sigh) Sorry about the wait, Louis. I've got a special project for you out in Seattle. I'm going to send you there tonight, and... Louis? Satchmo?

<fx: crickets>

King: Nuts.
 
Latest game, aggressive AIs as normal, I get the "war announcement noise", and a second later get the message:-


"Gandhi has declared war on Genghis Khan"


The more I think about it, the more it tickles me :)
 
Advisor: Sire, we have discovered the secrets of Combustion! Now we can build strong naval units, but..

King: But what?

A: We have no oil.

K: Then what bloody use is it then?

A: Do not fret, Sire, we have uranium to power our boats!

K: Combustion suggests the use of burning, no?

A: Yes, but...

K: Surely you are not suggesting me we burn a green glowing metal to power our ships?

A: No...

K: GUA -

A: Wait! Actually, *sighs* yes. We do burn the glowing green metal.

K: Good lad!
____________________________________________________

K: Advisor, advise.

A: We have discovered Scientific Method! We have now discovered oil deposits within the reaches of our empire!

K: Good! Now make use of it.

A: Er, we don't know how yet. We still need to discover Combustion for that.

K: So you are telling me, we have discovered a technology that not only obsoletes the Great Library without books because we have not discovered paper, obsoletes our monasteries, AND shows us a resource that we cannot even use yet?!

A: Yes.

K: ...
________________________________

A: Sire, we have discovered Hunting! We have now learnt that, if you throw a pointy sharp thing or a big rock at something, it dies, and we eat it!

K: Genius!
______________________________________________________

A: Our empire is prospering under your rule, sire! We shall build the Great Pyramids in your honour!

K: Good. What shall these Pyramids be built from?

A: Stone, sire, but we have none.

K: Then how do we build the Pyramids?

A: We do not need Stone, sire. It merely doubles the speed at which we build them sire.

K: If we do not need Stone, then what do we need?

A: Er

K: Don't say it!

Advisor: **** it. We need Stone, but we don't need it. Furthermore, we have it, but we don't. There. I quit.
 
Originally in another thread, but someone posted that they liked it so I'll put it here too:-

New for patch 1.61

Advisor : Now we have discovered mathematics sire , we can produce much more wood from clearing forests.
King : Why? Are not the woods the same as before..
Advisor: Ah but with mathematics sire, we have also discovered a new method called "accounting", so where before there were 2 trees, now there are 3...one day this will lead directly to something called "Political Spin"
King: So there are now 3 trees where before there were 2?
Advisor: Thats what it'll say in the books sire..
King: :crazyeye:
Advisor: Don't mention it sire....
 
Commander: Ha! That's the last of their chariots. How foolish of them to try attacking us across the river.

Aide: Sir, we have passed some arbitrary experience value and have become more capable.

Commander: Good, the king wishes us to take the war to the enemy so let's use our experience to become better city raiders.

Aide: But sir, all we have been doing is fighting enemy mounted units on forests and plains. I don't think experience from that is going to help us attack cities.

Commander: Better leave thinking to the people who understand these things, boy.

Aide: Yes, sir.
 
Irrate Workers: ITS TOO CROWED! we refuse to work!!!
King: hmmm would you help me build settlers so it wont be so crowded? would that solve the problem...
IWs: WE REFUSE TO WORK!
King: hmmm, how about if I build a temple, would that make you happy enough to go to work even tho its a little croweded?
IWs: WE REFUSE TO WORK!
Kings Advisor: *wispers to the king*
King: Really? *looking at the advisor* we can do that?
Advisor: *nods* We know how to make Shackles...
King: *Grins*

King impliments Slavery

King: Now Build that Temple!
IWs: WE REFUSE TO WORK!!
King: *Shackles a Worker and forces complete the construction of the temple, he dies in the process* do we have any other problems?
Other Workers: *worried* no, were good, we got PLENTY of room now that idiots gone...
King: Excelent, now lets talk about pyramids...
 
Ancient Ruler: So give me the construction report on the pyramids..

Advisor: They have at last been completed lord, but due to your orders to hurry the last phase of construction, thousands of workers died in the process.

AR: Well then, we shall implement a new form of government , where the people have a say in the decisions through elected representatives.

AD: Erm, do you think that wise lord, as because of your *cough* tyrannical rule, their first decision may be to build a gallows right outside the palace..

AR: Ah right, ...well I've always felt that I was made ruler through some higher power, so call me King, and have some more slaves whipped in the copper mines, we could do with a new division of spearmen......
 
King: So, how are doing with our pyramids? I hear they were more than half completed.

Advisor: That is true sire, but another civilization from far away has completed it before us. We can no longer continue...

King: GUAR-

Advisor: *quickly* But we got loads of gold for it

King: That's what I like to hear...


Meh...I tried...:p
 
Advisor: Sir, This city is a great centre of learning! shall we build a libary?
King: Yes, what shall we buidl it out of? I'll order some workers to cut down some trees and-
A: But sir, there is no need! make our population work in a mine instead!
K: to mine materials?
A: No, To make Hammers to build the building out of!
K: You mean, built the building with.
A: No, out of.
K: So, you are telling me, that we can Mine hammers, and build libaries out of them?
A:And add to our armies.
K: We can train our citizens with them?
A: No, we simply create soldiers out of hammers!
K: Of Course we do.....
 
Swordsmen- Reporting in...
King- Our budget no longer allows us to afford our excessive military, and since you didn't perform to well in our last mission, were going to have to delete you...
Swordsmen- you mean Disband?
King- are you trying to correct me? I said delete, your going to be deleted...
Swordsmen- Can't we just return our weapons to the armoury and tend the crops...
King- Your defince of my orders is insolate, if you wern't already on your way to deleteion I'd have you killed...
Swordsmen- ARGH... MY FEET!!! they have vanished!!!!
King- yer thats how it goes... Now wheres my lunch...
Swordsmen- GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!! *blink*
King- did he just call my world Cruel? Bring him back here...
Advisor- Sir we cannot, you deleted him...
King- hmm then bring me another swordsmen unit so I can punnish them for this outrage...
 
Adviser : Most glorious Emperor, we have discovered Mathematics !
Emperor Qin : So ?
Adviser : This means that we have discovered how to calculate the difference between two numbers.
Emperor Qin : So ??
Adviser : This will be known for ever as the Chinese take-away !
 
King: advisor, tell me when our great civilisation appears on earth?
Advisor: in 4000 BC, sir...
King: and we are ?
Advisor: in 400 BC, sir...
King : what does these number means?
Advisor: we don't know sir, we haven't discovered Calendar yet...
King: so we don't know how old is our mighty empire
Advisor: yes, we do. as we discovered mathematics, we know that it has been 3600 years our mighty empire is on his way to rule the world!!
King: good, why didn't you said it faster...
Advisor: because we don't know what a year is, sir...
King: .... you're right. But since we know how to count in the proper way because of mathematics, why did these -years- go in the wrong way ?
Advisor: because we are still waiting the birth of Jesus Christ, who will found christianism. That explains the BC, it means Before Christ.
King: so when we get to year, whatever a year is, year 0, this Jesus Christ will be born, and we will get in the good way to count years?
Advisor: that's right sir.
King: and Christianity will be founded as a consequence? right?
Advisor: your sense of understanding things will always amaze me, sir...
King: good. ...but, wait!!
Advisor: what sire?
King: How can you explain that we found christianity last year?
Advisor: err...
King: GUA...
Advisor: Wait, i know!! Since we don't know what a year is, we must have made a mistake... when we will discovered "calendar", we will know what a year is, so we could fix this problem
King: forget it, i won't change all the date in all the books, just because this Jesus Christ was born 400 years before himself...
Advisor: as you wish, sire.
 
adviser: we have discovered a great new technology that shows us to understand how objects interact with each other. our people call this "physics"
King: does that mean we'll be able to make on of those ball things that click together when pulled and dropped?
a:yes, and also magically out of nowhere, glowing rocks have suddenly appeared!
K:so what do we do with them?
A;Maybe you should ask this man who has suddenly "been born" in our capital fully grown
K: why don't you?
a *hypnotized by that ball toy*
newtons%20cradle.gif

probably not that funny
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

D
Hi gang - it's been awhile 😊
Replies
3
Views
289
raider980
raider980
K
Bombards "Can only defend" - but also attack?!
Replies
1
Views
162
Walter Hawkwood
Walter Hawkwood
B
Does converting you own cities to your religion makes sense in Civ 7?
Replies
18
Views
5K
Krikkit1
K
R
Ideologies should remove settlement limit cap
Replies
0
Views
104
Renouf
R
evonannoredars
Teotihuacan - Antiquity Era Civ Concept
Replies
19
Views
1K
evonannoredars
evonannoredars
Back
Top Bottom