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VanillaCube
Your local Schizophrenic
this one is stupid but here it is......
Three tomato's were walking down the street a baby tomato, a papa tomato, and a momma tomato.
The baby tomato starts to lag behind and the papa tomato gets real angry so he goes back and smashes the baby tomato and says Kechup!
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The people in my cool book
1.travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin
Three tomato's were walking down the street a baby tomato, a papa tomato, and a momma tomato.
The baby tomato starts to lag behind and the papa tomato gets real angry so he goes back and smashes the baby tomato and says Kechup!
------------------
The people in my cool book
1.travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin
Travin
Chieftain
What Do You Call Two Nuns And A Blonde?
Two Tight Ends And A Wide Reciever
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
Two Tight Ends And A Wide Reciever
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
Travin
Chieftain
3 men standing in line to get into heaven..Apparently it had been a pretty busy day and Peter tells them, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today so I will only admit people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first guy replies: "Well, for a while I suspected my wife was screwing around on me, so today I came home from work early to catch her red-handed. As I came to my apartment on the 25th floor I could tell something was going on. So I rush in and am searching all over and can't find the guy.
"I go out to the balcony, and sure enough there is a guy hanging off the railing. So I am so mad that I start beating on him, kicking him and the damn guy won't let go. I go into my apartment and get a hammer and start hammering his fingers and finally he falls. But - wouldn't you know it - he lands on a bush, stunned but okay.
"I run into the kitchen, grab the refrigerator and throw it over the edge, killing him instantly! But all the stress gives me a heart attack and I drop dead!"
Said Peter, "That sounds like a bad day to me; come on in!"
The next guy comes up to Peter. "It was a horrible day. I was standing on the 26th floor of my apartment on the balcony exercising and I slip and fall over the edge. Luckily I grab the railing below me and I am hanging on for dear life. Miraculously a guy runs out on the balcony and I think he's going to save me but no, he starts beating me and kicking me and I am hanging on for dear life.
"Then he gets a hammer and is hammering my fingers and I let go. By the grace of God I fall on a bush, stunned but alive. Suddenly the guy throws a refrigerator over the railing and it crushes me instantly and here I am."
Once again Peter says, "WOW! What a day! Okay, come in!"
The third guy comes to the front and says to Peter, "Picture this: I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...."
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
The first guy replies: "Well, for a while I suspected my wife was screwing around on me, so today I came home from work early to catch her red-handed. As I came to my apartment on the 25th floor I could tell something was going on. So I rush in and am searching all over and can't find the guy.
"I go out to the balcony, and sure enough there is a guy hanging off the railing. So I am so mad that I start beating on him, kicking him and the damn guy won't let go. I go into my apartment and get a hammer and start hammering his fingers and finally he falls. But - wouldn't you know it - he lands on a bush, stunned but okay.
"I run into the kitchen, grab the refrigerator and throw it over the edge, killing him instantly! But all the stress gives me a heart attack and I drop dead!"
Said Peter, "That sounds like a bad day to me; come on in!"
The next guy comes up to Peter. "It was a horrible day. I was standing on the 26th floor of my apartment on the balcony exercising and I slip and fall over the edge. Luckily I grab the railing below me and I am hanging on for dear life. Miraculously a guy runs out on the balcony and I think he's going to save me but no, he starts beating me and kicking me and I am hanging on for dear life.
"Then he gets a hammer and is hammering my fingers and I let go. By the grace of God I fall on a bush, stunned but alive. Suddenly the guy throws a refrigerator over the railing and it crushes me instantly and here I am."
Once again Peter says, "WOW! What a day! Okay, come in!"
The third guy comes to the front and says to Peter, "Picture this: I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...."
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
Travin
Chieftain
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, here were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Fred, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Fred, like many rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Fred was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Fred showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Fred announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.
"Secondly, I want her to wear protection."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Fred. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
ok this my last one
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Fred, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Fred, like many rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Fred was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Fred showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Fred announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.
"Secondly, I want her to wear protection."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Fred. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
ok this my last one
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-
Cunobelin Of Hippo
Site Pachyderm
Okay, this is old but...
There was a great Polish King who decided that he wanted to do something special for his people, the Poles. So he said to his engineers "Build me the biggest, greatest bridge in the world!"
So they went off and several weeks later re-appeared. The king said,"Where did you build the bridge?"
And the engineers were like,"Well, we built it where no one else would think to...over the Sahara Desert!"
So the Polish King was like "What! Get it out of there before we all look like idiots to the whole world."
So the engineers went away, then came back a few months later. The king said "Well, did you get the bridge and bring it back?"
The engineers shook their heads. "Why not?" demanded the King.
"Because the Neufies were fishing off it."
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Answer me these questions three: How long was the 7 years war?
What Louis came after Louis the 3rd?
How many metric gallons in a furlong?
There was a great Polish King who decided that he wanted to do something special for his people, the Poles. So he said to his engineers "Build me the biggest, greatest bridge in the world!"
So they went off and several weeks later re-appeared. The king said,"Where did you build the bridge?"
And the engineers were like,"Well, we built it where no one else would think to...over the Sahara Desert!"
So the Polish King was like "What! Get it out of there before we all look like idiots to the whole world."
So the engineers went away, then came back a few months later. The king said "Well, did you get the bridge and bring it back?"
The engineers shook their heads. "Why not?" demanded the King.
"Because the Neufies were fishing off it."
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Answer me these questions three: How long was the 7 years war?
What Louis came after Louis the 3rd?
How many metric gallons in a furlong?
Travin
Chieftain
Did I Win Yet?
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-
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Travin
Cool Book
-VanillaCube-
-Thunderfall-
-Stellar Converter-
VanillaCube
Your local Schizophrenic
no not yet!
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The people in my cool book
1.travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin
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The people in my cool book
1.travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin
S
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Guest
lets give other people a try, you know, to make it look fair, then well hand the trophy over to you.
Michael FierceWolf
Chieftain
Okay, there is this cruise ship that has a magician working on it, performing magic tricks for the tourists. Since there is a constant turnover of tourists, he can keep doing the same tricks. One day, a parrot arrives and watches his shows. The parrot starts to reveal all his secrets to the audience. Saying "It's under the table" or "It's up his sleeve!" this infuriates the magician because he has to keep coming up with new tricks. Well, one day, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. All that is left is a large board, and the magician and parrot hanging on to it. They are hanging on to this board, staring at each other, for days. Finally, the parrot speaks up and says, "Okay, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
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"I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh to the Father except through me" John 14:6
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"I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh to the Father except through me" John 14:6
You know what is a bad idea???
To insult one of the judges!!!
And it's spelled Newfies.
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"I'm too out of shape for a long fight so I'll have to kill you fast"
"If LESS is MORE just imagine how much MORE, MORE would be!!!"
I AM CANADIAN!
Civ 2 Ladder
My Civ 2 Scenario Page.
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whats a newfie? this is my favorite smily
vladmir_illych_lenin
King
Its a Newfoundland person
Here's my joke, and it has to do with civ!:
There is this international army, and people from every civ join, thus forming an international army. One day, at the new recruit evaluation center, an old, gruzzled colonel is serveying the new, green soldiers. He goes up to the British guy and says:
"Let me ask you one question young man, did you or did you not join the army to die for your country?"
The young British man bravely says:
"Yes sah! For King and countrrry sah!"
The General says "Very well."
Then the General goes up to the Russian guy and asks the same question:
"Did you join this army to die for your country?"
The young Russian man bravely says:
"I have come to fulfill my patriotic duties on behalf of my glorious motherland!"
The General says "Very well."
Then the General goes up to the Australian guy and asks again the same question:
"Did you join this army to die for your country?"
The Australian guy replies:
"No maite, ah joined this ahmy yestadie!"
[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 03, 2001).]
Here's my joke, and it has to do with civ!:
There is this international army, and people from every civ join, thus forming an international army. One day, at the new recruit evaluation center, an old, gruzzled colonel is serveying the new, green soldiers. He goes up to the British guy and says:
"Let me ask you one question young man, did you or did you not join the army to die for your country?"
The young British man bravely says:
"Yes sah! For King and countrrry sah!"
The General says "Very well."
Then the General goes up to the Russian guy and asks the same question:
"Did you join this army to die for your country?"
The young Russian man bravely says:
"I have come to fulfill my patriotic duties on behalf of my glorious motherland!"
The General says "Very well."
Then the General goes up to the Australian guy and asks again the same question:
"Did you join this army to die for your country?"
The Australian guy replies:
"No maite, ah joined this ahmy yestadie!"
[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 03, 2001).]
vladmir_illych_lenin
King
The good, the bad, and the ugly:
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You`re in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Ugly:He looks better than you
Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife`s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She`s a lawyer
Good: The postman`s early
Bad: He`s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 03, 2001).]
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You`re in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Ugly:He looks better than you
Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife`s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She`s a lawyer
Good: The postman`s early
Bad: He`s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 03, 2001).]
vladmir_illych_lenin
King
An archaeologist was digging in the a desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining
it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've
just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a
man who died of heart failure!"
The excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied,
"Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining
it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've
just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a
man who died of heart failure!"
The excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied,
"Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
vladmir_illych_lenin
King
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
vladmir_illych_lenin
King
A businesswoman explained her problem to the doctor. She was always farting at board meetings, during interviews, on the trams and buses. It was impossible to control. "But at least I am fortunate in two respects," she told the doctor, "they neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, since I have been in your office talking to you, it has happened twice Doctor." The Doctor reached for his notebook, scribbled a prescription and handed it to her.
"What? Nasal drops?" she queried. "Yes" said the Doc. "We'll fix your nose then have to fix your hearing."
"What? Nasal drops?" she queried. "Yes" said the Doc. "We'll fix your nose then have to fix your hearing."
vladmir_illych_lenin
King
Booyah! aren't i funnY?
Newfie is/means, in some people's mind, a derogratory term to describe the people who live in Newfoundland, Canada. While a lot of Newfoundlanders use this term to describe themselves, most take offence when it is used by a "Mainlander" to describe them. Since it's usually accompanied by the term "Stupid", "Idiot", or "Moron". Also the term "Newfie" appears to be the butt of a lot of jokes, this also offends us because we (most of us) aren't that stupid.
In conclusion, I'd like to says that this term should be banned and all hippo's should be killed. (Joking about the hippo's, of course.
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"I'm too out of shape for a long fight so I'll have to kill you fast"
"If LESS is MORE just imagine how much MORE, MORE would be!!!"
I AM CANADIAN!
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My Civ 2 Scenario Page.
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one might say that i learn something new everyday... i like comrade lenin's jokes the best so far.
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