joke contest submission

  • Thread starter Thread starter stellar converter
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The Internet is like a *****

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

<IMG SRC="http://www.geocities.com/melysni/woof.gif" border=0>
 
This may be too late for consideration, but consider if you will:

Four nuns are driving back to their cloister from a charity event. Their VW bug is struck and flattened by a tractor trailer, and they find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates(side entrance, 12 sins or less).

When their group reaches the head of the line, St. Jude(Pete always hogs the main gate) says

"I have but one question for you ladies of the cloth, one at a time. Have you ever touched a man's *****?"

The first nun nods her head yes, and Jude asks, "With what?" She holds up her hands. "Was your hands in the font of holy water and enter, sister."

He asks the second nun, "Have you ever touched a man's *****?" She nods yes as well. "With what, sister?" She points to her bosom. Startled, Jude says, "Very well, wash your chest with the holy water and enter."

In the meantime, the last two nuns, after a heated, whispered debate, have swapped positions.

"Sisters, why did you exchange spots in line?", Jude asks.

To which the fourth nun(now third) replies:
"I'll be damned if I'm gargling that stuff after she sits in it!!"

 
Im late on the contest too, but one day I was at the mall with my son. I got what I needed and was waiting in line and the gal in front of me saw him and said "Oh how cute I would like to have one" and I replied "We do have time..."
 
One day a rabbit walked into a bakery and said to the baker, "I want six baps, you jackass."
The baker said "Ur OK".

The next day the rabbit went back to the bakery and again said "I want six baps, you jackass."
This time the baker said "Now look here! You came in here yesterday and called me a jackass, and you've said it again today - come here again and say that and I'll nail your ears to the wall."

The next day the rabbit came back again - "'Got any nails?"
The baker said "No this isn't a DIY shop, this is a bakery."

"Then I'll have six baps you jackass."
 
This is kind of a visual joke, so I hope you guys can follow it...

Paddy is a hard working man from Ireland, but as he had trouble finding jobs in his homecountry, he moved with his family to England.
He searched for a job and found one at a construction site. The foreman saw the obvious qualities of a strong lad like Paddy and told him he could help building the department store they were currently working on.
'Everything you need is working spirit, two hands, some muscles ... and knowledge of the sign language, because we have trouble using our voice, considering the noise here.'
'No problem, sir' said Paddy, happy to have found a job at last. He ascended the building and started banging with a hammer.
Later that day a supply truck arived, to deliver some bricks. It entered the site, drove through a big hole and fell over partially.
The foreman assembled some of his strongest men to put the truck upright. He looked around and saw Paddy, up high working his b*tt off, and banging with his hammer.
'PADDY!', he yelled, 'PADDY!!!'
Between two *bangs* in, Paddy heard his name and looked down.
The foreman started gesturing:
PADDY!
I (he points to his eye)
NEED (points to his knee)
YOU (points to Paddy)
DOWN (points to the floor)
HERE (points to his ear)

Paddy, looks, seems to comprehend, but suddenly start wanking!
The foreman shouts: 'No, no! You've got it all wrong, and repeats the gestures: I need you down here!'
Again, Paddy tries to understand, shrugs, and starts wanking again!!
The foreman almost explodes, now that he realises that Paddy is making fun of him. He ascends the building and angrily steps to Paddy.
'Who do you think you are? I patiently ask you to come down to help us, and you tell me that I'd better wank off?'

'No sir', Paddy explains: 'I'm coming, I'm coming!'


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Not sure if you've heard this one...

<h4>More Coffee</h4>

A customer was so infatuated with his waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."


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It appears as if V.I.Lenin and Travin know where http://jokes.astraweb.com/ is. how about you guys just go that link and imagine I copyed and pasted some jokes so I dont have to go though all the effort?

deal?
smile.gif


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~Weimar Republic
 
HERE ARE MY JOKES:

What did the blonde get on her test?
NAIL POLISH
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How do you kill a blonde?
YOU STICK A SCRATCH AND SNIFF STICKER AT THE BOTTOM OF A POOL
punch.gif


How do you confuse a dumn blonde?
YOU TELL HER TO SIT IN THE CORNER IN A CIRCLE SHAPED ROOM
confused.gif


What do you call two lesbos in a boat?
FUR TRADERS
sex.gif


How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower?
YOU GIVE HER A SHOVEL
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HERE ARE MY SAYINGS:

"Life is like being shot in the buttocks. You never know how much it's gonna hurt." ~Xeven(THAT'S ME!)

"WOMEN and the universe, Two of MEN'S biggest mysteries. The difference between the two is: We my figure out the mystery of the universe, but we'll never figure out the mystery of women..." ~Xeven(THAT'S ME!)
 
Yeah and how do you call a clever blonde?
A labrador, I think.

_ What's the difference between Madonna and a boxing glove?
You can only put 5 fingers in the glove...

_ What does she put behind her ears to attract men?
Her knees!
_ What does she say after making love?
So you're all in the same football team?

Hope Stellar won't edit it. Doesn't seem to dirty
smile.gif


[This message has been edited by GenghisK (edited April 24, 2001).]
 
What does BSE stand for?

Butchers
Shops
Empty

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<FONT COLOR="blue">VS4ever</FONT c>

<FONT size="5">Siny</FONT s>
 
An old guy goes into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 83 years old and have never been with any woman other than my dear wife of 50 years. But last night, father, I met these two beautiful 18 year-old girls, and well... We ended up going to a motel. Father, I made love to both of them all night, and into the morning. All night, father! I just couldn't help myself! It was like being a young man again. Better, even."

THe priest replies: "I see. When was your last confessional, my son?"

"Well, never Father. I'm Jewish."

The priest, shocked, says, "But... then why are you telling me all this?"

"I'm telling everybody, Father."
 
A young 18 years old Cherokee was about to have the test to prove he deserved to be a true Cherokee brave. The tests consisted in 3 tents.
In the first there was a 5 liter wine bottle that had to be drunk.
In the second one there was a tiger that had a tooth ache and had to be cured.
In the last one, there was a woman who has never had climax. Guess the test
wink.gif


He came in the first tent, drunk in 1 minute the bottle and came out, a bit drunk.
When he came in the second tent, everybody outside heard terrible roars and after 5 minutes of fighting, an absolute and dreadful silence... The tribe feared the worst but the guy got out, victorious and said: "And now the last test. Where the hell is the woman with the tooth ache?"

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Genghis K.
 
Sorry I have posted this elsewhere but wanted to post it here also:

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
 
To all the girls!

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mum, I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. She goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier!

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Genghis K.
 
Sorry replying to myself but I've just got also these true Q/A:
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters -

I took me 30 minutes to put that in color using BB code!
frown.gif
the red are for questions, the green for answers...

<FONT COLOR="red">What is your date of birth?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">July fifteenth.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">What year?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Every year.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Gucci sweats and Reeboks.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">: And in what ways does it affect your memory?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">I forget.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">How old is your son, the one living with you?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">How long has he lived with you?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Forty-five years.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And why did that upset you?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">My name is Susan.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">We both do.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Voodoo?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">We do.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">You do?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes, voodoo.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Were you present when your picture was taken?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">So the date of conception (of the baby was August 8th?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And what were you doing at that time?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">She had three children, right?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">How many were boys?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">None.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Were there any girls?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">How was your first marriage terminated?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">By death.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And by whose death was it terminated?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Can you describe the individual?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">He was about medium height and had a beard.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Was this a male, or a female?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No, this is how I dress when I go to work.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">All my autopsies are performed on dead people.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Oral.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Do you recall the time that you examined the body?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Are you qualified to give a urine sample?</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Did you check for blood pressure?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">Did you check for breathing?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="red">So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">No.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">How can you be so sure, Doctor?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.</FONT c>

<FONT COLOR="red">But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?</FONT c>
<FONT COLOR="green">Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.</FONT c>

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Genghis K.
 
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