Jokes II

[YNCS]

A cowboy is sitting in a bar. A young woman sits down next to him, looks at him, and asks "Are you a cowboy?"

"Well, I spend all day sitting on a horse watching cattle, so I guess I am a cowboy. What are you?"

"I'm a lesbian. When I wake up in the morning I think about making love to women. When I'm at work I think about making love to women. When I come home I think about making love to women. When I go to bed I dream about making love to women. I'm a lesbian."

A few minutes later a man sits down on the other side of the cowboy, looks at him and asks "Are you a cowboy?"

"Until a few minutes ago I thought I was."

 

[Bose]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.

Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorryand beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued...

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[YNCS]

The pongo is a khaki-colored South African monkey with some very disgusting habits. During the Boer War, fought in South Africa, the British Army disgarded their red coats and started wearing khaki uniforms. As a result, British Army officers are called "pongoes."

During WW2, a British general working in the War Office asked his counterparts in the Royal Air Force and Royal Navy to tell their people not to have British Army officers referred to as pongoes.

A message went out from the Air Ministry: "Henceforth RAF personnel shall not, repeat NOT refer to British Army officers as pongoes."

A message went out from the Admiralty: "Henceforth pongoes shall be called 'army officers'."

 

[Bose]

After many years, a mother and father brought in their five sons to have a talk with them. The father said, "Come on in here and sit down, boys. Your mother and I have something to tell you. I know it's not going to be easy to hear but…your mother and I were never married."

The boys sat with their heads in their hands, not sure how to react.

After several awkward moments, unable to handle the silence any longer, the mother demanded, "Well? Aren't you bastards going to say something?"

 

[allhailIndia]

Once at a dinner banquet for the Armed Services, the Army and Navy speakers constantly referred to the Air Force as the "Cinderella of the Services". In response, the Air Force representative got up and replied,
"I don't know much about Cinderella, except that she had 2 very ugly sisters".

 

[Turner]

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles there were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Near by a Navajo sheep herder and his son where watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate, and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message: "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

 

[Bose]

Before you read this, take note that i have absolutely no problem with gay men, this is just a JOKE!


Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a poof."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!"

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St.Patrick was a transvestite poof!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really piss him off... just you watch." So, the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

 

[Serutan]

A lawyer, a gay guy, a blonde, and a prostitute walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says:

"Is this a joke?"

 

[YNCS]

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?

The ceiling is awfully close.

 

[puglover]

Stolen from Hogan's Heros: A German officer was accused of a crime and was sentenced to the firing squad. The officer asked one of the executioners how many people attended. The executioner said, "There are 87 soldiers from your company." "But I only have 77 men!" Said the officer. The executioner replied, "The deserters returned to see you shot."

 

[Pillager]

Originally posted by Bose
Before you read this, take note that i have absolutely no problem with gay men, this is just a JOKE!

That's good. And Englishmen...?

 

[gerryandersson]

Originally posted by Turner_727
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles there were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Near by a Navajo sheep herder and his son where watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate, and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message: "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

 

[andrew510]

A kid askes "how do you go insane?", his dad answered "your insane becuse you eat to many nuts."

 

[YNCS]

Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?

A. Grapes are purple.

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

A. "Here come the elephants."

Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?

A. "Here come the grapes." (Jane was colorblind.)

 

[CivCynic]

Three men were at the top of a cliff. They had a magic lamp and started rubbing it. A genie appeared and gave each of them one wish. All they had to do was jump off the cliff, say their wish, and they would land on it. The first guy thought about it and jumped off shouting, "Mountains of gold!" The second guy also thought and jumped off shouting, "Naked women!" The third guy knew right away and backed up really far. He ran as fast as he could and at the end he tripped and yelled, "Sh**!"

 

[Sodfather]

This is from when I was like 10 years old so maybe it won't be funny now. I'll post it anyway.

There's an apartment building with four floors. The guy at the first floor window likes pickles. The guy at the second floor window loves to paint things green. The guy at the third floor window always pisses out his window. The guy at the fourth floor window tosses knives out of his window.

So, one day, the third floor guy is pissing out of his window when I knife from the fourth floor chops his wang off. It falls down to the second floor guy who paints it green. Finally, it reaches the first floor guy who eats it, thinking it was a pickle.

Wow, that is a terrible joke. Let's all make fun of it.

 

[Bose]

Hmmm, is that a joke or a list of random fictional occurances...


DURING a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded.
"Do you understand what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded again.
"So," the coach continued, "when a penalty is called, or you're offside, you don't curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

 

[ferenginar]

Q. What's the difference between an Australian and a computer

A. You only have to punch information into a computer once.

 

[ferenginar]

Q. Why are elephants big grey and wrinkly?

A. Because if they were small white and round they would be aspirins.

 

[WillJ]

A middle school science teacher was explaining that, even though it often happens in the movies, a whale can't swallow a human, because even though it's huge, its throat is too narrow for a human to fit in.

A girl raises her hand and says, "But Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

The teacher gets frustrated and explains that it's physically possible. The girl then whines about Jonah being swallowed by a whale, and the teacher stands by her statement.

Then the girl says, "Well, when I go to heaven I'll ask Jonah himself about it."

"What if Jonah went to Hell?" the teacher asks.

"Then you ask him."