Jokes II
- Thread starter Bose
- Start date
Originally posted by Rout
An explanation please?
I cannot bear not being in on things
There is a breakfast cereal called Trix. In the commericals, which are cartoons, the Rabbit is always trying to get the Trix. He disguises himself to get them, and at the end of the commercial is always tripped up by something, and it is discovered he is a rabbit. The kids say: "Silly rabbit, trix are for kids."
Why do I feel like I'm in an Austin Powers movie?
Bose
Antipodean
GIRL'S DIARY
FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a
bit late so I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in;
he hesitated, but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just
half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to
bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when
we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that
he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.I cried
myself to sleep.
BOY'S DIARY
FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
Australia lost to England by 6 wickets. Got a shag though.
FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a
bit late so I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in;
he hesitated, but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just
half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to
bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when
we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that
he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.I cried
myself to sleep.
BOY'S DIARY
FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
Australia lost to England by 6 wickets. Got a shag though.
Penguin Glory
Aquatic Pigeon
KingWilly
Melbournite
That's a good one, Bose. 
Darth_Pugwash
wobble wobble
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2003
- Messages
- 2,873
A man walked cautiously into a feild containing a bull. Spotting the farmer on the other side of the fence, he asked
"is this bull safe?"
"he's as safe as can be" replied the famer, "but i cant say the same for you"
"is this bull safe?"
"he's as safe as can be" replied the famer, "but i cant say the same for you"
Sir John
The evil one...
Moderator Action: Post edited out. CFC is a family-type site; post this ugly stuff again, and action will be taken. - XIII
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
Japanrocks12
tired of being a man
Your evil ways fascinate me Sir John. It's sort of like a... inspiration 
Sir John
The evil one...
Sorry... I didnt think it was that offencive...
The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... . ''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... . ''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
Leha
ooseepoosee
One guy is back home from work . He sees his wife sitting in front
of mirror topless and studying herself .
" What's that you're looking at ? " - he asks .
" My doctor said I have breasts of 20 years old girl " - she responds
"And what your doctor said about your 50 years old ass ? ""
" Well , we didn't talk about you , honey "
of mirror topless and studying herself .
" What's that you're looking at ? " - he asks .
" My doctor said I have breasts of 20 years old girl " - she responds
"And what your doctor said about your 50 years old ass ? ""
" Well , we didn't talk about you , honey "
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
I liked the Bus joke as when i was told it i was at a guys funeral and it was totally unexpected! Liked the last joke Padma i have a similar one.
I shall now tell the funniest joke in the world (apparantly)
Two men were in the forest shooting. One of the men heard a sound and thought it was a fox so shot unaware that it was his friend! He couldn't believe it and felt extremely guilty and called the emergency services. He asked for an ambulance and the lady asked what happened,
" i was shooting with my mate and i shot him by mistake!".
"Oh, well keep calm, is he dead?". she responded
"I don't know".
"Could you make sure".
The man says "Okay" and shoots him!
I shall now tell the funniest joke in the world (apparantly)
Two men were in the forest shooting. One of the men heard a sound and thought it was a fox so shot unaware that it was his friend! He couldn't believe it and felt extremely guilty and called the emergency services. He asked for an ambulance and the lady asked what happened,
" i was shooting with my mate and i shot him by mistake!".
"Oh, well keep calm, is he dead?". she responded
"I don't know".
"Could you make sure".
The man says "Okay" and shoots him!
More unwritten book titles....
"Trying not to get caught", by Heidi Evidence.
"Medical Equipment", by Cathy Ters.
"The Great English Breakfast", by Chris P. Bacon.
"Volunteering for Charity Work", by Linda Hand.
"Kung-fu Fighting" by Marsha Larts.
"Castration", by Emma Sculated.
"My Favorite Stringed Instrument", by Amanda Lin.
(I love this type of joke
)
"Trying not to get caught", by Heidi Evidence.
"Medical Equipment", by Cathy Ters.
"The Great English Breakfast", by Chris P. Bacon.
"Volunteering for Charity Work", by Linda Hand.
"Kung-fu Fighting" by Marsha Larts.
"Castration", by Emma Sculated.
"My Favorite Stringed Instrument", by Amanda Lin.
(I love this type of joke
)
