Jokes II
- Thread starter Bose
- Start date
TimTheEnchanter
I...am...an Enchanter!
Jesus 
and Moses were on the first tee, warming up for their weekly golf match, when a haggard old man walked up and asked if he could join them.
Sure! they replied
Moses stepped up to hit first. He pulled out his driver and boomed a shot straight down the middle of the fairway. The ball carried 300 yards and started bouncing down the fairway toward the pond in front of the green. As the ball approached, the water in the pond parted, the ball rolled through the gap and onto the green, about 5 feet from the hole.
Wow, a miraculous shot! the old man said.
Jesus then stepped up to the tee box with his driver. He hit a monstrous shot some 400 yards. The ball went straight for the pond, but instead of sinking, just bounced and rolled across the water onto the green, coming to rest just inches from the cup.
An immaculate shot! exclaimed the old man.
At this point, the old man hobbled up to the tee box. He carried a rusty old 1 iron, which he could barely hold. He cranked back with the club and took an ugly swipe at the ball. He hit a horrible slice that went about 50 yards forward and 75 yards to the right into the dense woods. The ball came to rest next to a squirrel, which turned and grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running back toward the fairway. As the squirrel came clear of the woods and onto the fairway, an eagle swooped down from the sky and grabbed the squirrel in its talons. The eagle started to fly away, but was hit by a bolt of lightning and let go of his prey. The squirrel fell to the ground and landed on the green. When he hit the ground the ball popped out of his mouth and rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turned to the old man and said Nice shot, dad.
and Moses were on the first tee, warming up for their weekly golf match, when a haggard old man walked up and asked if he could join them.Sure! they replied
Moses stepped up to hit first. He pulled out his driver and boomed a shot straight down the middle of the fairway. The ball carried 300 yards and started bouncing down the fairway toward the pond in front of the green. As the ball approached, the water in the pond parted, the ball rolled through the gap and onto the green, about 5 feet from the hole.
Wow, a miraculous shot! the old man said.
Jesus then stepped up to the tee box with his driver. He hit a monstrous shot some 400 yards. The ball went straight for the pond, but instead of sinking, just bounced and rolled across the water onto the green, coming to rest just inches from the cup.
An immaculate shot! exclaimed the old man.
At this point, the old man hobbled up to the tee box. He carried a rusty old 1 iron, which he could barely hold. He cranked back with the club and took an ugly swipe at the ball. He hit a horrible slice that went about 50 yards forward and 75 yards to the right into the dense woods. The ball came to rest next to a squirrel, which turned and grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running back toward the fairway. As the squirrel came clear of the woods and onto the fairway, an eagle swooped down from the sky and grabbed the squirrel in its talons. The eagle started to fly away, but was hit by a bolt of lightning and let go of his prey. The squirrel fell to the ground and landed on the green. When he hit the ground the ball popped out of his mouth and rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turned to the old man and said Nice shot, dad.
Vraslosken
Warlord
A man walks down the road. Suddenly Satan appears. "Who the hell are you", the man says.
"Yes", Satan replies.
"Yes", Satan replies.
Lord_all_Mighty
Watching....
Three clergys and a religous woman were arguing over a point when the woman, knowing she was right, prayed to god to give her them a sign to prove she was right. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge thunderstorm appeared in the sky, lightning flashed, rain fell, and the thunder rumbled. The three priests looked at each other, when one finally said, "that does not prove anything". The woman prayed again to provide a sign, and sure enough, a lightning bolt flashed from the sky and vaporized a nearby tree. A priest once again claimed it was merely a coincidence. Finally the woman prayed god to give her the best sign possible, and to anwer her, a huge booming voice from the sky rang out saying, "SHE'S RIGHT!!!!". The three priests looked at each other in fear, when one then turned to the woman and said, "okay i guess it's three to two now".
An employee for a chain of fried chicken restaraunts visited the pope one day to try and convince him to change a part in the lord's prayer, specifically the part about "daily bread" to daily chicken. The pope angrily refused and dismissed the man. A day later, he returned and offered one-hundred thousand dollars to make him change it. He once again, refused the offer. A day later he returned and offered a million dollars, and the pope did not take it. On the last day, he came back and said, "I will give you a billion dollars to change the saying". The pope thought for a second and replied, "Let me consult my cardinals." he then vacated through a door in the back. There, the cardinals sat and the pope exclaimed, "good news and bad news. The good news is that we'll make a billion dollars, the bad news isw we might lose the Wonder Bread account."
A meteor struck a stadium one day and killed three people, conviniently, Al Gore, Goerge W. Bush, and Bill Gates. They soon appeared before god and he questioned them. "You," he said looking at Al Gore," what do you stand for?". Gore stepped up and replied, "I believe in the welfare of my citizens and the internet." God looked at him and then said,"splendid, you may come and sit by me." He then turned his attention towards Bush, who stepped up and said, "I believe ina strong economy and the support of our troops". The lord then gestured Bush to come and sit at his side. Gates finally stepped up and told him, "I believe," The lord leaned closer, Gates finished, "Your in my seat"
An employee for a chain of fried chicken restaraunts visited the pope one day to try and convince him to change a part in the lord's prayer, specifically the part about "daily bread" to daily chicken. The pope angrily refused and dismissed the man. A day later, he returned and offered one-hundred thousand dollars to make him change it. He once again, refused the offer. A day later he returned and offered a million dollars, and the pope did not take it. On the last day, he came back and said, "I will give you a billion dollars to change the saying". The pope thought for a second and replied, "Let me consult my cardinals." he then vacated through a door in the back. There, the cardinals sat and the pope exclaimed, "good news and bad news. The good news is that we'll make a billion dollars, the bad news isw we might lose the Wonder Bread account."
A meteor struck a stadium one day and killed three people, conviniently, Al Gore, Goerge W. Bush, and Bill Gates. They soon appeared before god and he questioned them. "You," he said looking at Al Gore," what do you stand for?". Gore stepped up and replied, "I believe in the welfare of my citizens and the internet." God looked at him and then said,"splendid, you may come and sit by me." He then turned his attention towards Bush, who stepped up and said, "I believe ina strong economy and the support of our troops". The lord then gestured Bush to come and sit at his side. Gates finally stepped up and told him, "I believe," The lord leaned closer, Gates finished, "Your in my seat"
Bose
Antipodean
A man rang Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent him Diana Ross.
Bose
Antipodean
Q: What should you never do if you find some invisible ink?
A:
A:
nalves
sailing in a NAU
Hy Bose
You are realy good
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him:
- "Daddy, what's Sex?".
"OK!" He thinks... this day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intra-course, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams. Then she asks:
- "Daddy, what is "A Couple?"
He carries on: a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, or two females which we call lesbians, and goes on to describe oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, sex toys, etc... The father finally asks:
- "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex"?
- "Oh, mummy said lunch is ready in a couple of secs" ...
You are realy good
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him:
- "Daddy, what's Sex?".
"OK!" He thinks... this day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intra-course, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams. Then she asks:
- "Daddy, what is "A Couple?"
He carries on: a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, or two females which we call lesbians, and goes on to describe oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, sex toys, etc... The father finally asks:
- "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex"?
- "Oh, mummy said lunch is ready in a couple of secs" ...
Zcylen
Moonlight Rambler
where do you get so many jokes Bose??? 
if I'll have to pay a cent for every good joke you tell you'll be damn rich
if I'll have to pay a cent for every good joke you tell you'll be damn rich
Japanrocks12
tired of being a man
A lawyer, surgeon, and architect were arguing over which one of their professions was first in the bible.
The surgeon says " God used surgery to make a woman ".
The architect says "God made the world out of chaos"
the lawyer says " just who do you think created all the chaos?"
The surgeon says " God used surgery to make a woman ".
The architect says "God made the world out of chaos"
the lawyer says " just who do you think created all the chaos?"
A guard holding a rifle is walking along a line. He is saying "22, 22, 22, 22" over and over again. A tourist approaches. He says, "I'm a tourist. I want to know what you are doing." The guard continued saying 22 over and over again. "Well. I'll just cross the line then." says the tourist. When he crosses the line the guard shoots him. "BANG!" "23, 23, 23"
Bose
Antipodean
Thanks mate, you're too nice Zcylen! I always keep my ears out cause i love a good joke (and a bad one!).Originally posted by Zcylen
where do you get so many jokes Bose???
if I'll have to pay a cent for every good joke you tell you'll be damn rich
Thanx also to you nalves, make sure you keep posting on here!
A little girl asked her father how she got her name. He answered, "when you were born, I brought your mommy a rose. One of the pettals fell of and landed on you head, so we named you Rose."
Her sister asked about her name to which their father replied "when the nurse brought you in to see your mother, a daisy pertal fell off and landed on your head, so we named you Daisy."
The third daughter walked to her father and said "Thbutldieikkpfftlblahdk"
Her dad then said "Shut up Cinderblock"
A Sunday School teacher asks the class "Does anyone know where God lives?" A little girl's hand shoots up and she says "God lives in our bathroom."
"How do you know God lives in your bathroom?"
"Because every day my dad beats on the bathroom door and shouts "God, are you still in there?"
"How do you know God lives in your bathroom?"
"Because every day my dad beats on the bathroom door and shouts "God, are you still in there?"
Bose
Antipodean
What do you do if a Rottweiler is making love to your leg?
Fake an orgasm.
Fake an orgasm.
allhailIndia
Deity
Once Putin, Bush and Vajpayee meet and decide to ask God on how to tackle corruption. Bush asks, 'When will mah country be free of corruption", to which God replies, "In another 100 years". To which Bush starts wailing and regrets it would not be in his lifetime.
Next Putin asks, "When will Mother Russia be free of corruption?"
God replies, "In another 500 years". Fighting back tears, Putin regrets even his great grandson would;nt be alive by then.
Finally Vajpayee asks, "Bhagwan, when will my country bve free of corruption". To this God starts shedding tears and between sobs says, " Even I won't be around then".
Next Putin asks, "When will Mother Russia be free of corruption?"
God replies, "In another 500 years". Fighting back tears, Putin regrets even his great grandson would;nt be alive by then.
Finally Vajpayee asks, "Bhagwan, when will my country bve free of corruption". To this God starts shedding tears and between sobs says, " Even I won't be around then".
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2001
- Messages
- 30,080
US Marines have just stormed a school in Bagdhad, where they have arrested a maths teacher.
The maths teacher was found to have set squares, a calculator, abacus and protractor concealed about his person.
A spokesman for the marines as reported to say "Here is clear evidence that Iraqi's are concealing weapons of maths instruction".
The maths teacher was found to have set squares, a calculator, abacus and protractor concealed about his person.
A spokesman for the marines as reported to say "Here is clear evidence that Iraqi's are concealing weapons of maths instruction".
KingWilly
Melbournite
A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapists office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $82 for the session.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"
The old man replied "We're not trying to find anything out.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90 and the Hilton charges $160.
We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $82 for the session.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"
The old man replied "We're not trying to find anything out.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90 and the Hilton charges $160.
We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
Bose
Antipodean
@ainwood: *Groans* That was bad... I loved it! I'll try and get worse...
What's funnier than a dead mouse?
A dead mouse in a clown suit
What's funnier than a dead mouse?
A dead mouse in a clown suit
allhailIndia
Deity
Once a man is sitting on the top floor of a building which is also a bar.
Another man comes and sits next to him and starts talking about the wind currents at the altitude.
"In fact", he claims, " I can fly out of the window right now and prove it to you." The first guy watches dumbfounded as the second walks up to the window, jumps out, flies a couple of times around the building, makes a flip and returns to the bar.
Eager to try it out, the first guy jumps out of the window,but lands on his head and dies.
The barkeep gestures to the second guy and says, "You're really mean when you are drunk Superman".
Another man comes and sits next to him and starts talking about the wind currents at the altitude.
"In fact", he claims, " I can fly out of the window right now and prove it to you." The first guy watches dumbfounded as the second walks up to the window, jumps out, flies a couple of times around the building, makes a flip and returns to the bar.
Eager to try it out, the first guy jumps out of the window,but lands on his head and dies.
The barkeep gestures to the second guy and says, "You're really mean when you are drunk Superman".
