jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

[starlifter]

by GK:

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

LOL!! Good one!

 

[Lord_Vetinari]

At a bar in Istanbul, an old man sits and stares gloomingly at nothing while sipping his beer. A young man decides to try to cheer him up, and he seats himself next to the old man and is just about to start a conversation when the old man interrupts him:
"It's a strange world," the old man says
"Yeah, why?" the young man replies
"Do you see that bridge over there lad?"
"Yes"
"I built that bridge with my own bare hands. It was hard work and it took me a whole year to finish it. But when it was finished, do you think people called me 'Abdul the bridge builder'?"
"I don't know, did they?"
"Oh no, they didn't. Do you see that school over there?"
"Yeah"
"I built that too you know, without the aid of any machinery. It took me two whole years to finish it. But do you think they called me 'Abdul the school builder' after that?"
"I guess not," the young man replied
"Nooo, they didn't, why would they? So after that I built that mosque over there," the old man said and pointed at the mosque. "I built that all by myself, and I didn't even demand any money for it, even though it took me a whole three years to build it. But you don't think they called me 'Abdul the mosque builder' after that, do you?"
"No, guess not," the boy answered
"Oh no, they didn't. But you f*ck one goat..."

 

[newfangle]

An Englishman, an American, and a Canadian were caught drinking some beer in Saudi Arabia. The local magistrate saved them from the death penalty, and declared they each receive 20 whips. Because the Judge was quite fond of the foreigners, he granted them each one wish. The Englishman was first, and his wish was to have a pillow placed on his back. The pillow withstood about 5 whips, allowing 15 to hit the man. The American was next. Seeing what happened to the Englishman, he wished for 2 pillows. The whip penetrated the two pillows after 10, leaving the American to suffer 10.

Next it was the Canadian's turn. The judge took him to the side and said, "I am so fond of Canadians, I will grant you two wishes." Smiling, the Canadian said, I'd like to receive 100 whips please. Shocked, the judge responded, "and your second wish?" The Canadian responded, "strap the American to my back."

 

[andyo]

lol - someone fond of canadians - that is a good one - i'm crying i'm laughing so hard

 

[GenghisK]

For blondes:
A redhead b**, a brunette thief and a blonde go to heaven.

Saint Peter:
_ Now tell me the truth about your worthless life and I'll let you in, otherwise you die.

The redhead b***:
_ I think I've always had a very sane and clean life...

Then the brunette said:
_ I think I've always been honest, and have never stolen anything...

Finally the blonde spoke:
_ I think...

 

[starlifter]

@ GhengisK: That is a nice clean one! I think!

Lord_Vetinari:

"Oh no, they didn't. But you f*ck one goat..."

Hehe, knew something like that was coming!

 

[Zwelgje]

My collegues are still enjoying the jokes very much, in fact they are being sent all over the hospital.

 

[Switch625]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the nexttable. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!
Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said,"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replied........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[Switch625]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chimed in, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman said, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women gave her this subtle, "Well...?"

To which she smugly replied, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God....'"

 

[Dell19]

The second to last one was so terrible, it was funny...

 

[GenghisK]

Finally I got a decent one to tell.
3 rapists die and go to hell.
Satan:
_ What was your job on Earth?
The first guy replied:
_ I was a carpenter.
_ Okay then you'll have your "thing" sawn, planed down, nailed etc... Demons, execution.
( waaahaa, ouch, no noo, etc...)

_ And you, what was your job?
_ I was a butcher.
_ Fine, then you'll have yours cut, roasted fried etc... Execution.
( ouch ouch waahaa, etc...)

The third guy started laughing.
_ You'd laugh less if you knew what the sentence is.
_ I know I know, I was a lollipops sellers...

 

[dannyevilcat]

I don't know if this one has already been posted.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

 

[GenghisK]

By a rainy day, John's (9 year old kid) parents decided to do what-you-know and since it was raining and John couldn't go out, he was sent to the balcony to admire the landscape...
_ John, go to the balcony, it's an excellent idea to spend the afternoon gazing at people. You'll tell us everything you can see ok?
_ Yes dad.

...

_ wow the nice car in the parking...
_ wow there's fire in the neighbours garden...
_ wow there's a nice girl walking down the street...
_ firemen just arrived in our neighbours garden...
_ there's a hold up in the bank...
_ ah, finally the Smith are shagging...


_ Jooohn, how can you know that?
_ Very easy, dad. They sent their kid to the balcony.

 

[Pragmatic]

These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string notices a horse with a sign that says, "Make me laugh, make me cry, win $1000" on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead, and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in front of the bar. "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.

The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular, "I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell." Several dozen customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps down the rest of his martini and says, "And at these prices, you're not likely to see many more!"

At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and says, "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to get any better!" "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't even thit!"

There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, "And now his brother's a dead ringer, too!"

The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval costume wanders out. "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?" he asks.

Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears.

A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has mysteriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" The bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve people from Purdue, *********!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killing him instantly.

Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my brother!"

(Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand Marcos won 512 to 2.)

An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax problem?" the solicitous bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," replies the red man.

The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the grafitti reads:


>>>Electricians do it for the halibut.
>>I have a haddock.

>Cod, I hate this.

The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.

A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, "57!" The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the floor beside him.

A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door...

 

[Switch625]

That was the humor equivalent of an out-of-body experience.

 

[Pragmatic]

Yeah, it's from http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/. That webpage originally started out posting the best of the best of the rec.humor.funny newsgroup, posting one or two jokes a day. It's down to posting a joke two or three times a week.

Good, though.

 

[Lt. 'Killer' M.]

A not-so-clean one, but I hope it's OK (mods, be nice, I had a bad day )


Three nuns died, and when they reached the pearly Gates and wanted to enter heaven, St. Peter spoke to them, and he said:
"Dear Sisters, before you can enter Heaven you will have to answer a question!"
And St. Peter spoke to the first nun, and he said:"Dear Sister, who was the first Man on Earth?" - "Oh, that's an easy one, wasn't it Adam?????"
And the bell rang, and the gates opened, and the first nun went to heaven
And St. Peter spoke to the second nun, and he said:
"My dear Sister, who was the first Woman on Earth?" - "Oh, that's an easy one - wasn't it Eve??????"
And the bell rang, and the gates opened, and the second nun went to heaven
And St. Peter spoke to the third nun, and he said:
"My dearest Sister, when Eve saw Adam for the first time - what did she say?"
...
...
...

...
...
"Hmmmm thats a hard one..........:"

And the bell rang, and the gates opened..........

 

[GenghisK]

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."

 

[Dominix]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
Having no choice, the Jews picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

 

[starlifter]

by Switch625:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

LOL!! Good one


by GenghisK:

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."

hehe.... my young nephews will get to hear that one .


by Dominix:

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

very good!



This is a good thread, all.