jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!
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dannyevilcat
DESTROYER OF FURNITURE
Freezing To Death
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
scorch
Legalize Pot
That joke reminds me of a favourite.
Three guys go to heaven, and Ol St Pete decides that too many people are coming into heaven, so him and God decides that you had to have had a bad day on the day you die, to get into heaven. So the first guy goes up, and St Peter asks him about his day and the guy says, "Well, I got fired at midday, so I came home to my apartment and found my wife in bed naked, breathing heavily, well, I looked around the room to see a guy, when i hear someone say 'help' from the window, i look out, and i see a guy hanging from the windowsill, so i stamp on his hands causing him to fall into the bushes below, but im not finished, so i pick up the freezer and drop it on him, and from all the excitement, i have a heart attack and die."
And the St Peter thinks, and lets him in, the second comes up, and St Peter asks him about his day, and this guy says, "well, i was working out at the top floor of my apartment, and i was really getting into it, i lifted up a heavy weight with such force that the momentum sent me flying through the window, however i was able to grab onto the windowsill of the apartment below, but this crazy guy came and stomped on my hands, then i thought he had finished, but no! he then throws his freezer out and it lands on me and i die."
St Peter agrees that this guy had a hard day, and lets him in aswell.
Then the third guy comes up, and St Peter asks him about his day, and the guy says 'Well, picture this, im hiding in this freezer...'
Three guys go to heaven, and Ol St Pete decides that too many people are coming into heaven, so him and God decides that you had to have had a bad day on the day you die, to get into heaven. So the first guy goes up, and St Peter asks him about his day and the guy says, "Well, I got fired at midday, so I came home to my apartment and found my wife in bed naked, breathing heavily, well, I looked around the room to see a guy, when i hear someone say 'help' from the window, i look out, and i see a guy hanging from the windowsill, so i stamp on his hands causing him to fall into the bushes below, but im not finished, so i pick up the freezer and drop it on him, and from all the excitement, i have a heart attack and die."
And the St Peter thinks, and lets him in, the second comes up, and St Peter asks him about his day, and this guy says, "well, i was working out at the top floor of my apartment, and i was really getting into it, i lifted up a heavy weight with such force that the momentum sent me flying through the window, however i was able to grab onto the windowsill of the apartment below, but this crazy guy came and stomped on my hands, then i thought he had finished, but no! he then throws his freezer out and it lands on me and i die."
St Peter agrees that this guy had a hard day, and lets him in aswell.
Then the third guy comes up, and St Peter asks him about his day, and the guy says 'Well, picture this, im hiding in this freezer...'
Ansel
Chieftain
Some of these are really bad.....but here goes.
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> .
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A bishop, an actress and a prostitute walk into a pub. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> and says "Pint please, and one for the road."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says "I've just come in my pants."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A naked man with a naked girl on his back goes to a fancy dress
party. The host opens the door and says, "This is a fancy dress party, you can't come in like that!" The man protests "I am in fancy dress, I've come as a snail." The host says "But you've only got a naked girl on your back." The man says "I know, it's Michelle!!"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly " I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no
bull!"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh1t before
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said "no, the steaks are too high."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man walks into the doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a
glove."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
3 generations of prostitutes were housed in a single brothel
>
The youngest charged £40 for a blow job
>
The mother charged £20 for a blow job
>
The grandma was grateful for a hot drink.......
>
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> .
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A bishop, an actress and a prostitute walk into a pub. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> and says "Pint please, and one for the road."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says "I've just come in my pants."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A naked man with a naked girl on his back goes to a fancy dress
party. The host opens the door and says, "This is a fancy dress party, you can't come in like that!" The man protests "I am in fancy dress, I've come as a snail." The host says "But you've only got a naked girl on your back." The man says "I know, it's Michelle!!"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly " I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no
bull!"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh1t before
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said "no, the steaks are too high."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
> > --------------------------------------------------------------
> >
A man walks into the doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a
glove."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> >
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
3 generations of prostitutes were housed in a single brothel
>
The youngest charged £40 for a blow job
>
The mother charged £20 for a blow job
>
The grandma was grateful for a hot drink.......
>
Wolfe Tone
Which Way Did He Go?
Most of those were terrible. However there were a couple of funny ones.
GenghisK
...
A woman is going to a gynecologist. As soon as he saw her, he absolutely wanted to sh*g her. Then he told her to get naked.
1) He touched her legs caressed them, and asked:
_ You know what I'm doing?
_ Yes doctor, you're trying to see if I have some skin cancer
2) He put his hands on her breast, did the same thing and asked again:
_ You know what I'm doing?
_ Yes you're trying to see if I have a breast cancer.
3) Finally he removed his pants and did something really nice to her (I won't tell you what) and asked:
_ Now you really know what I'm doing?
_ Yes you're about to catch my herpes disease. That was the reason why I came to see you.
It's quite clean right...
1) He touched her legs caressed them, and asked:
_ You know what I'm doing?
_ Yes doctor, you're trying to see if I have some skin cancer
2) He put his hands on her breast, did the same thing and asked again:
_ You know what I'm doing?
_ Yes you're trying to see if I have a breast cancer.
3) Finally he removed his pants and did something really nice to her (I won't tell you what) and asked:
_ Now you really know what I'm doing?
_ Yes you're about to catch my herpes disease. That was the reason why I came to see you.
It's quite clean right...
Yep I heard that at school a week ago and it was funny. Another one was this:
A plane is about to crash, so a Women gets up and doesn't want to die without having sex so she asks if there is anyone on the plane that is willing to make you a women. A man stands up, takes of his shirt and tells her to iron it for him.
A plane is about to crash, so a Women gets up and doesn't want to die without having sex so she asks if there is anyone on the plane that is willing to make you a women. A man stands up, takes of his shirt and tells her to iron it for him.
Switch625
I don't care.
Q: What do you call a motorist who has left his keys in the car?
A: A pedestrian.
A: A pedestrian.
Bamspeedy
CheeseBob
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, would he be charged with battery?
GenghisK
...
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did itlook good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Now it's even cleaner right Civ1?
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Now it's even cleaner right Civ1?
Switch625
I don't care.
A little girl comes home from school and says, "Hey mommy,Johnny paid paid me $5 to stand in a tree today." The mother says, "Johnny only wants to see panties, honey." The next day she went to school. When she came home she says, "Hey mommy,Johnny paid paid me $10 to stand in a tree today, but i sure fooled him" Mommy asks, "How did you fool him." She says, "Well, I didn't wear any panties today."
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