jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

[allhailIndia]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday he preached, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

 

[allhailIndia]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available:
a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in
the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old
man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next
to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car you got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a
million dollars!".

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost
so much?".

"Because this car can do up to 320 kilometers an hour!" states
the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?".

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a
pretty nice car, all right!".

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 320kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his
rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to
see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips
by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster
than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him,
he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again,
heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man
on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh!
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing
the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigosh! Is there
anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers in the young man's ear, "Unhook my suspenders
from your side-view mirror!

 

[allhailIndia]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

[allhailIndia]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick
to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office
to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by
his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure
enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over
the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"

 

[allhailIndia]

This is the real allhailIndia, my sister put up those last few jokes she found on the net.

 

[damunzy]

Good jokes, allhailIndia's sister.

 

[GenghisK]

A man was driving down a mountain road. A woman was driving up the same mountain road. When met each other, the guy shouted: "big cow". She replied and yelled: "f*** you, bast**"
Then after the first turn, she collided with a huge cow on the road.

Morale of the story: women should always listen to men.
My words of wisdom.

 

[rjgo]

Q. why do chickens not wear underpants?

A. because their peckers are on their heads.

shalom

rjgo

 

[GenghisK]

Radio interview of a shepherd.
_ what's your greatest memory?
_ eeeh once I remember we lost a sheep in the mountain. Took us 4 days to find her. Then we were so pleased that we all f*** the sheep.

Embarrassed the reporter said:
_ sorry but I can't put that to the radio. Well what's your second best one?
_ teeheee, my neighbour's wife was lost in the mountain, took us 8 days to find her. We were so pleased that we all f*** her.
_ Damn I can't let that on the radio either. What's your worst one then?
_ aaaah, once I was lost in the mountain...

 

[damunzy]

@GK: not very clean though

 

[GenghisK]

I don't see why you would mind me telling horror stories

 

[starlifter]

by allhailIndia's sister.:

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

ROTFL!!! That was good!!! PS, I was an engineering major in college....

Then after the first turn, she collided with a huge cow on the road.

Genghis always comes thru with a good one when he has to! I need to tell my sister that one, hehe....

 

[GenghisK]

Thanks for the compliment. I shall turn it back with a reciprocal respect too
Anyway I fear it was a little bit machist so your sis might not enjoy it very well

PS: WB Starlifter. We all missed you. Dreadfully

 

[starlifter]

Anyway I fear it was a little bit machist so your sis might not enjoy it very well

That is exactly why I am going to tell it to her with such great enthusiasm!! LOL, she often tried to assume too much ahead of time (but admittedly she's very smart!)... just like the subject in the joke, hehe...

 

[napoleon526]

Did you hear about the (ethnic group you don't like) terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

He passed out after havig his mouth over the tail pipe too long.

Did you hear about the (ethnic group you don't like) wolf who got caught in a trap?

He gnawed off three of his legs and was still trapped.

 

[De Lorimier]

At the back of a movie theater, a girl and a guy are making out passionately. Finally, the boy has to take a moment to stop and come up for air. "Wow," he pants. "I really love kissing you, but
would you mind not passing me your chewing gum?"

"Oh, that's not chewing gum," replies the girl. "I have bronchitis."

 

[De Lorimier]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: $1.50; Chicken sandwich: $2.50; Handjob: $10."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your damn hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[De Lorimier]

How do you clear out an Iraqi bingo game?

Yell "B-52!"

 

[starlifter]

Yell "B-52!"

LOL! In real life, I talked to some Iraqi POWs (grunts, who just loved being POWs, and did not wish to return to Iraq) in April of '91 who said that they normally did not have advanced warning the bombs were about to fall, the troops out "in the field" that is. Gives new meaning to "Death From Above" .... They said it was very demoralizing.

 

[GenghisK]

This one I tried to keep it extremely clean. So enjoy

What's the difference between a twister/tornado and a woman.
None, they're all wet and warm inside when they come, and they leave with your home and car...