Such a long time without new jokes....
I hope these don't get me banned!
Tattoo
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been? "
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?"
"What kind of tattoo did you get? "
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . . . Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money . . . Third, I like how money feels in my hand . . .And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want ! ! !"
Sexual Position
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead!
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Old Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the
docks once more for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
He asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.
Marriage Secrets
Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Out of hand circumcision
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, hess perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
Heaven
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at
the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head
drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that"
